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    Hi to whoever takes time out to read this!

    So, where do I start?! I guess a little background would help, I'm in my mid-20s (when you've read all of this you'll understand what I'm doing on this forum!) Muslim, living at home with my family and I work.

    So about a year ago I got into a relationship with a Muslim guy - 4 years younger than me, and from a different culture. At that time I thought I should do the right thing and tell my parents, which I did (and I'll probably regret this for a very long time!) They always told us children that as long as he was a Muslim and the two people were happy they would never refuse or stand in the way.

    I'm a practicing Muslim but definitely not as religious as my parents. My dad asked to meet the guy, which he agreed to do and then he asked to speak to his parents. He spoke to his parents about me several times, but seeing as he's not completed his studies they won't take him seriously nor will they let him get married, which to me makes sense, I actually don't feel ready nor am I in a rush!

    I told my parents this but they refuse to believe me and say he's just saying that and lying to me to make me happy (I know he loves me, but whatever he does, they'll never believe me and he's never good enough!)

    He agreed and liked the idea of introducing me to his mum when she comes over at Christmas to see him (just to clear it up, he's a foreign student, and this will be the first time his family comes here since we've been together, so we've not had an opportunity to do this sooner!)

    Anyway, for the past year I've been sneaking out and about to see him, and recently I got caught out, which I have been anticipating! I got into a huge argument with my family, they called my boyfriend up and started shouting and blaming him for lying and for playing me.

    Now I know people get played/used by others, BUT before getting into a relationship he knew how difficult my family were, he knew that I would barely be able to meet him and when we have it's only been for a few of hours in public. I'm not rich or incredibly stunning or anything special.. What exactly would he be using me for? We don't do anything aside from just 'hang out'. He's studying at University so if he wanted he has plenty of opportunities to cheat on me, to be in an easier relationship, or to do whatever the hell he wants, yet he's chosen to stick by me and make this work.

    The day my parents treated him with such hostility, he spoke to his mum about everything including how I defended him and argued with my family for him, but understandably it upset her a lot and now I don't think she'll agree to meeting me.

    My family gave me an ultimatum, we let the families meet in the Christmas holidays but I can't see him at all until that day (because as Muslims we are not meant to date and we are not married Islamically either) or if I choose to continue to be with him and see him whenever I want, I'm no longer family and most likely they'll kick me out the house.

    We met yesterday (for the last time, as my family think!) and I asked if his family would accept me and he said prior to how my family treated him, they would have. However now his mum is barely speaking to him and he said it's unlikely. I told him to use the time we have now (i.e. give our relationship 2 more months) until they come, to try and convince his mum to at least meet me, because that would give me an opportunity to set things straight. If they accept me, I told him I'd leave my family behind and move out (a friend has agreed to let me stay at hers!) because we have a great relationship and I'd be willing to risk it and make things work out. If, however, his mum refuses to meet me, I agreed that it would mean the end of us and our relationship and I'll accept it.

    Again, I thought I'd do the right thing and tell my parents the conversation we had, and believe it or not, they said he's a sly boy who's lying to me about talking to his mum, and making me believe that my parents are to blame (who I do blame for making me feel miserable and ruining my relationship!) They have continuously judged and accused him without ever giving him a chance. I know he is genuine because I talk to him and we've spent time together, and I know he treats me perfectly.

    I know very realistically I have less than 1% hope of it working out and lasting, because my parents will never budge or change their narrow ways of thinking or even let me make my own decisions. The 1% hope is that he convinces his mum to change her mind and she'll accept me.

    I feel like I'll come to terms with not being with him eventually, but I'll always blame my family and never have any sort of relationship with them again. I have no life outside of going to work, I have to always ask for permission about who I'm seeing, when, where, what time etc. They've been overprotective and suffocating since I was 16 (and for all those years I've lived like that without complaint) but now I feel like I'm merely existing and not living my own life. I had to cancel plans to see my friends because I supposedly 'always make plans when I have time off, and I'm never interested in family or housework'.

    The only reason I'm currently playing happy family is because my brother's wife lives with us, and I have a great relationship with my brother and her, and also because she is unaware of all of this (she happened to be away on the day it all kicked off!)

    I am very grateful for everything my parents have provided and given me, but I feel like I'm now old enough to make my own choices, even if it might not be the right one in their eyes. I want to learn have experienced and grow for myself. It seems like I live in prison and everyday I feel miserable, fed up and have no hope for anything anymore.

    Has anyone ever been in any kind of tricky situation like this? Has it ever worked out how you wanted? Should I even keep hope that life will ever get better for me? Or just any advice, ideas, solutions about what me, him or both of us could do? I really don't want to continue living like this anymore, I'm losing the will to live.

    I'm so sorry this post is so long and if there are any grammatical errors, but this is a very shortened version of everything, but feel free to ask for more details on anything if it would help!

    If you read all of this and reply, then thank you in advance, sometimes I just like an outsiders view, even if it's painful to hear.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I really don't want to continue living like this anymore, I'm losing the will to live.
    Losing the will to live ? That's pretty pathetic my dear...
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    save up a little money and move out if you're wanting your own freedom. My mum and dad always remind me if i want things my own way I should move out, but i have no where to go :laugh::laugh::laugh: - i can't of anything else to be honest with you


    PM me if you wanna talk x
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    (Original post by iAre Teh Lejend)
    Losing the will to live ? That's pretty pathetic my dear...
    It's just an expression, I'm sorry it seems pathetic to you!
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    (Original post by iAre Teh Lejend)
    Losing the will to live ? That's pretty pathetic my dear...
    Just an expression, I really am fed up, I'm sorry it seems pathetic to you!
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    (Original post by samina_ay)
    save up a little money and move out if you're wanting your own freedom. My mum and dad always remind me if i want things my own way I should move out, but i have no where to go :laugh::laugh::laugh: - i can't of anything else to be honest with you


    PM me if you wanna talk x
    I don't think OP wants to lose her family.
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    (Original post by iAre Teh Lejend)
    I don't think OP wants to lose her family.
    Then she needs to discuss the situation with both parents and get married to the guy, and live happily ever after
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    (Original post by samina_ay)
    Then she needs to discuss the situation with both parents and get married to the guy, and live happily ever after
    How old are you may I ask ? Your advice seems to be very badly thought out.

    P.S No offence intended.
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    (Original post by iAre Teh Lejend)
    How old are you may I ask ? Your advice seems to be very badly thought out.

    P.S No offence intended.
    Okay, what do you think she could do? Do you have anything better?
    Her situation is very difficult tbh.
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    (Original post by samina_ay)
    Okay, what do you think she could do? Do you have anything better?
    Her situation is very difficult tbh.
    Her situation is indeed very difficult, but it's better to contribute nothing, rather than contribute something that could make things worse.
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    (Original post by iAre Teh Lejend)
    I don't think OP wants to lose her family.
    If his parents accept me, I'll lose mine.. I don't have any kind of relationship with mine anymore, and I'm very angry with how they handled everything. Any happy family moment we have is fake!

    Ps. How do I delete a duplicate post?

    Thanks for reading my post, I appreciate it!
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    (Original post by samina_ay)
    Then she needs to discuss the situation with both parents and get married to the guy, and live happily ever after
    Believe me, I have tried. My parents will never ever change their narrow way of thinking, that's why I have to hope his family give me a chance..

    (Original post by samina_ay)
    Okay, what do you think she could do? Do you have anything better?
    Her situation is very difficult tbh.
    It is very tricky, don't worry I appreciate you taking your time out! I know we won't work out.. I just don't like my home life anymore and like you said save up and move out will be my only option!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Believe me, I have tried. My parents will never ever change their narrow way of thinking, that's why I have to hope his family give me a chance..



    It is very tricky, don't worry I appreciate you taking your time out! I know we won't work out.. I just don't like my home life anymore and like you said save up and move out will be my only option!
    I'll keep you in my dua's hun x
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    (Original post by samina_ay)
    I'll keep you in my dua's hun x
    That is incredibly sweet, thank you so much! <3

    Not sure how long I can continue to put on a brave face so hey let's hope the reward for patience is something very special
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That is incredibly sweet, thank you so much! <3

    Not sure how long I can continue to put on a brave face so hey let's hope the reward for patience is something very special
    Yes it is my darling - seek repentance from Allah swt and make loads of dua, maybe there's a reason behind all these no's, Allah might be taking you to far better yes. Have hope and patience x
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    (Original post by samina_ay)
    Yes it is my darling - seek repentance from Allah swt and make loads of dua, maybe there's a reason behind all these no's, Allah might be taking you to far better yes. Have hope and patience x
    I agree that there is a reason for everything, but right now I'm just frustrated because we have a right of free will and making our own choices in life and I feel like that's being taken away from me and I'm just living the life my parents want me to live *sigh*

    I'll try xx
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    You shouldn't have snuck out the house to meet him. Because you've just broken your family's trust. Why can't you just wait till Christmas so your family can meet his?
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    Your brother should have done more to prevent this happening. I did and I suffered, but at least my siblings have a lot more freedom now. I'd gladly do it all over again.

    I realise it's probably too late to say that you should never have kept up with this for so many years... but still.

    I believe you should focus on your family situation before dragging anyone else into it. Break free from the hold they have over you, it will be painful and depressing, but eventually you'll find serenity from the choices made.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You shouldn't have snuck out the house to meet him. Because you've just broken your family's trust. Why can't you just wait till Christmas so your family can meet his?
    I've been seeing him without them knowing for a whole year, albeit not a lot because I knew I'd get caught out eventually. They caught me as I was leaving from work to go and see him instead of and going coming home.

    When I suggested that idea that day because I'd only just found out about his parents coming, they refused and said no they won't wait because I've known him for so long! Then later they said to me to ask him as a test of whether he loves me or not, but they'd already been terrible to him and he'd spoken to his mum by then, so as I said his parents won't meet me, why would they even consider meeting the family who treated her son so badly?!

    My family make irrational, unreasonable and illogical decisions fuelled from anger. It's no use even talking to them calmly, they refuse to listen or believe anything I say.

    Thanks for reading my post!
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    (Original post by Final Fantasy)
    Your brother should have done more to prevent this happening. I did and I suffered, but at least my siblings have a lot more freedom now. I'd gladly do it all over again.

    I realise it's probably too late to say that you should never have kept up with this for so many years... but still.

    I believe you should focus on your family situation before dragging anyone else into it. Break free from the hold they have over you, it will be painful and depressing, but eventually you'll find serenity from the choices made.
    My brother? He has no role in what happened, he got married not long ago and so I chose not to involve him, because I don't want to ruin his life by making him play peacekeeper.

    Kept up with what? This life or my relationship?! Sorry just trying to clear up what you meant!

    I take on board what you said, but for at least the next couple of months, the two are linked, and once the new year starts, I just want to work my way out and away from my family.

    Thank you so much for reading and your post has given me a little hope that someday I'll get some sort of freedom if I work for it.
 
 
 
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