So firstly, a bit of information about my mental health. I've had mental health problems for many years. I can go from hating something to loving it a few hours later. I'll have periods of time when I'm fine but it can switch in a matter of minutes. My opinions of people, from close friends to those I've never met are really inconsistent. I can see this in retrospect but not at the time. I've overdosed before and was taken to hospital and I often self-harm and binge eat. I've never been given an actual diagnosis, but been told variously that I have depression, anxiety, mood dysregulation and hypomania after seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for about two years.
Now to the problem. I'm currently studying Politics at uni and I really loathe it. It seemed like a great idea when I started but now I want to drop out because I feel I despise it and want nothing to do with it. I dropped out of an Anatomy degree three years ago for the same reason and I've also dropped out of two college courses between then and now. In the past, I've also applied for courses in Food Science, Forensics, Petroleum Engineering, Environmental Management, Nursing, Maths and Philosophy. I was really keen to do all of these for a while before rapidly changing my mind and deciding they were boring and I hated them. Before studying Politics I had applied for Psychology before asking to switch and was also contemplating switching to Film.
There seems to be a pattern in which I decide I love something and want to study it and then change my mind and want nothing to do with it. Not to sound dramatic but it's basically ruining my whole life as I'm never getting anywhere. Coupled with the fact that I'm basically trying to treat myself with various self-help materials whilst waiting on a referral back to Community Mental Health and an inconsistent diagnosis, I'm not really sure what to do. Can anyone relate to this? Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks for reading this!
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Last edited by Interrobang; 07-11-2015 at 09:09.
- 28-10-2015 21:15
- 07-11-2015 12:21
Hiya AeonIlluminate, just stumbled upon your thread whilst searching for something else and decided that I needed to create an account just to weigh in on your dilemma. I couldn't believe how similar our situations were!
So without going into too much boring detail I have Borderline Personality Disorder. A textbook symptom of this condition is something called "splitting," where your feelings about things, people etc. swing from one place to another constantly. It sounds like you're dealing with something similar and I totally agree that it's incredibly exhausting and a real pain in the arse. I don't want to give you an armchair diagnosis or send you down the wrong route but self-harm, mood dysregulation, depression, anxiety, boredom etc are all very typical of this disorder. Unfortunately, it's a very misunderstood condition and there isn't an overabundance of people who are qualified to treat it properly.
I went to uni convinced that I was going to become a high-flying geologist and drive up and down volcanoes in a jeep for a living. Lo and behold I absolutely detested it. I totally understand you applying to so many different things because I suddenly found myself becoming interested in anything that wasn't related to geology. However, if I'm honest I think the same pattern would have repeated itself no matter what I'd studied.
The only way I managed to wade through three years of what I still think is the most irrelevant, boring subject matter in the world was by being lucky enough to get the right therapy for my condition (DBT) and a nice strong dose of mood stabilisers. DBT teaches you stuff like mindfulness and radical acceptance which I found really helps with just muscling through these kind of things. You've presumably had neither of these and it must really be sh*t. So give yourself credit, going through higher education whilst battling mental illness is no small achievement.
At the end of the day, I realised that the things I actually like doing generally come free and that a career is, for me at least, a means to an end. It's stressful and it's boring and I wish I could just eat cake naked all day but I now at least have the skills to cope with that.Sorry for this ramble, I hope you may have found it a little bit encouraging and I apologise if it doesn't really make any sense.Last edited by toomanyleaves; 08-11-2015 at 00:16.
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- 07-11-2015 12:42
Do you know why you keep dropping out?
Are you sure (I'm not being rude. It's a genuine question) that uni is really for you? I came to the realisation after dropping out of one year, scrapping a pass in an OU module, failing another and dropping out of another, that maybe uni wasn't for me.