Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hello guys,
    This is my first post here.I am from Europe and english is not my mother language so maybe i'll do mistakes so please don't throw stones at me for that the post is also pretty long i know but i would appreciate some feedback on my problem.
    Anyways here it goes.

    I have currently just started a masters degree in another country than in my own after finishing my bachelor.

    The thing is i live in an appartment in a student dorm with another guy from my home country for 2 months now.This guy is a bit strange or antisocial and i don't know what to do.Let me explain.

    So before heading for this masters i spent another 3 years doing a bachelor - i shared the room with another student, and we got along pretty good.We did alot of stuff together and with the group of friends we had.Played cards, partied, even worked at the same job for 3 months .So the idea is that i am not new to this kind of living/sharing/making social interactions etc.

    So when i applied to this master degree i saw there will be another student from my country at the respective university and thought it was a good ideea to live together.Basicly i managed to get in touch with him , and as myself he was looking for an acommodation aswell.We decided to stay together and before we left we meet in person to talk about it.We meet at a bar , and we both ordered a beer.Something didn't click right the moment i met him.He didn't talked to much and was like waiting to run away.I was very nice asked him about himself ,what he studying and after like 10 minutes he didn't drank more than 5 drops of beer, gets up and tells me he has to leave.I am astouned , no more than 10 minutes he gets up tells me he needs to leave shakes my hand and leaves, letting his almost full beer behind and myself to drink my beer alone.I have a moment i which i think about if i said something that upset him but can't find anything.So that was pure rudeness.


    After a couple of weeks i arrive at my destination, time in which he didn't contact me at all, and when i contacted him he was always very monosilabic and talking very little.He wasn't even surpdised/glad or anything when i arrived and didn't even want to socialize at all.In the weeks that come i tried to talk with him and understand him as a person and managed to convince him to come to town and drink a beer and chill a bit.All the time he was extremely cold and very detached.I tried to make jokes he was barely laughing and barely saying anything.

    After this i waited for him for his initiative to invite me to a beer but it didn't came at all.After 2 weeks i invited him with a couple of friends from university to a party, he didn't want to come and after another week i invited him to go with mysefl and another friend in another city for a day and he refused again.

    After a while i was trying to figure it out if he didn't like me or something and let him do his thing and thats it, but i don't think that i am the problem.Basicly in the university restaurant he eats alone most times and if he is not he is eating with colleges from his courses.I saw him trying to socialize with them but everything looks very forced and artificial.I got a couple of friends already that we usually go out and do some things but he has none.Everything that he does is, going to courses, eating and an ocasionally run around the student dorm to stay fit.People from the same floor where trying to socialize with him and he refused them all.Basicly he is very lonely,sits in his room al the time and even locks it when he goes away like i am going to steal something from him.Everytime i am trying to socialize with him about the new stuff that is going on he is like talking for 5 minutes and than says he needs to go, gets in his room locks the door and stays there for hours.He is very cold like has a big wall around him and doesn't let you know him ,its like hes running away from conversations all the time its not friendly and doesn't do anything to try to be pleasant.

    The good part is that he is not messy and cleans after himself and is not loud.

    Thing is that hes behavior is drivin me nuts sometimes.I can't discuss anything profound(deep) with him, he is very formal and the few things that we discussed where only SMALL TALK .Maybe i expected wrong but since we are the only 2 students from our country at this university i expected him to be more close to his own kind and try to be a bit friendly at least.He is the only one with which i can exercise my native language and it sucks cuz in 2 months i don't think i managed to get more than 1 hour of conversation out of him (and here i include the time we where in the town for a beer).I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt that he comes harder out of his shell at the beginning but after 2 months i really think he is antisocial as hell.I even had an argument with him a couple of days ago and i observed that he can talk and hes articulate if he feels like he needs to.so i don't know anymore.

    and forgot about this.At a time he forgot his wallet home when we where going to the university.he saw this only when he arrived so i told him i can lend him the money and he can give it back in the evening but he refused and turned back home to get it.how strange is that?

    What should i do guys?I am beginning to think it was a mistake to move in with him.I don't like the idea of sharing an appartment with someone who will be a stranger even after 2 years of standing together and someone who doens't even try to be nice and a good roommate.

    Thank you.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    Sorry, some people are just like that. You can't force them to change.
    Maybe he prefers working hard, or you could try something more 'introvert' focused like watching a film together or something.
    Other than that, I'm afraid you two just aren't compatible, but don't be too harsh, as I said it's just in some peoples nature.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    .I am from Europe and english is not my mother language so maybe i'll do mistakes

    Your post is more coherent than most English posters lol!
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Inazuma)
    Sorry, some people are just like that. You can't force them to change.
    Maybe he prefers working hard, or you could try something more 'introvert' focused like watching a film together or something.
    Other than that, I'm afraid you two just aren't compatible, but don't be too harsh, as I said it's just in some peoples nature.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Thanks
    What should i do though cuz i need to live together for a pretty long time.Basically i tried to get him out of his shell but at this moment it seems not possible.What to do?It is the first time i am confronting myself with this kind of situation.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Wimbs)
    .I am from Europe and english is not my mother language so maybe i'll do mistakes

    Your post is more coherent than most English posters lol!
    Haha yeah man, that is good to hear, ty

    any advice on this situation?
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by siesta24)
    Thanks
    What should i do though cuz i need to live together for a pretty long time.Basically i tried to get him out of his shell but at this moment it seems not possible.What to do?It is the first time i am confronting myself with this kind of situation.
    As I mentioned, you can't change what he is like.
    You just learn to live with it. Or actually ask him whether he'd like to do anything. Going out for a beer or to another city is likely not interesting to him. Staying in and studying or watching something may be.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    He sounds like he might have social anxiety, unconfident and uncomfortable talking with other people. You've made all the right moves and you really have made an effort with him. I know my brother didn't get along that well with his 3rd year flatmates, and he just had small talk with them and then went out and did his own thing with his friends from uni. You could do that and just focus on your own social circle or if you are uncomfortable living with the guy maybe talk to him about it? or look for another place to live with hopefully people that will be more social.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    I have low self-esteem and I often worry that I come across a bit like this, I often if I'm with a group of people talking, leave without saying anything quite quickly because I worry about being a burden and I don't want to irritate them as I feel they would prefer me not to be there. But to be fair I go out with people when offered and try to respond to people talking to me so I'm not antisocial to the extent your flat mate seems to be, but I can see why he might be like this.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Maybe he has issues. Maybe he has depression. Maybe he's experienced a death in the family, maybe he's been through a divorce or a break up. Maybe he lost a friend. Maybe he has financial trouble. You never know what's going on in his life.

    I don't understand why you're desperately trying so hard to win his approval and to reach out to him time and time again. You should have got the hint early on, clearly for whatever reason he doesn't want to socialise with you. It doesn't have to be because of something you did or said, maybe he prefers to be alone or maybe he's having difficulty in his life. He's not your brother, he's not your family member, you can't expect things from him and then get disappointed when he doesn't live up to what you want him to be. So what if he remains a stranger to you? It's not like he's leaving a mess or being loud and noisy, you said he's clean, tidy and quiet so that's all that matters in a housemate. You don't need to be friends, you don't need to socialise with him. Let him do his own thing, stop bothering him and smothering him with constant invitations and conversations. He clearly prefers not to talk to you or to go out with you, you should have got the hint a long time ago.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Some people just don't like socialising. Why should he have to talk to you anyway? If he doesn't want to talk just leave him alone. Still the fact that you have tried to talk to him is good, some people start out shy and then become more forthcoming. But if he clearly doesn't want to be forthcoming after a few months then that's just his personality. Some people are introverted and don't get any pleasure from interacting with others, it's not a bad thing. You just need to adjust your expectations for him.

    Besides, I wouldn't borrow money from someone if I left my wallet at home, I don't like borrowing money. And as for the beer and parties, sounds like he doesn't drink and doesn't enjoy partying, which is hardly a crime, a lot of very sociable and well adjusted people don't like alcohol fuelled parties let alone introverted people.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    To That 2Fase:

    I tried to make friends with him because i was alone as well and taught we share a common nationality so we would have alot of stuff to talk about and compare between our new place and our home country.Sharing ideas with someone with wich you have them similar based on common knowledge is a great way to grow and expand your mind.And second i was alone, in a different country with no one but myself, so it was logical to try to gain his approval because it was the only person i knew.

    Trust me after being friends with my last flatmate(maybe i was lucky here) it is somehow uncommon to behave like a stranger with the other guy in my appartment.And as i said, common sense tells me that a minimum on trying from his part is a must so he doesn't come up as a duche without caring about anyone else but himself and barely trying to give a "Good morning" to the other flat mate, in this case me.I don't know about you but i don't see this as a friendly behavior and wouldn't share an appartment with someone like that if i had the chance not to.In this case i am stuck.

    But today after i talked with someone over the internet i think i found what his problem is.I think he has Aspergers Syndrome.Many of the signs are obvious, i will give you the last message that i have written:

    "Hei, thanks for the reply.You said some true words right there.After doing some research about Asperger i think he has a form of it.Basically i heard him talking with his family on skype and he talks like a normal guy , makes jokes feels right , talks normal etc.But the minute he is trying to socialize with anyone else like me or other persons , something happens, he is avoidant and feels the need to run away.

    It was pretty hard to figure it out cuz the 2 pieces where contradicting each other, like how can he be such a normal person in a situation and so weird in another one.After reading about Aspergers i saw that ppl suffering from this defficience are mostly social with family and the immediate spouse/boy/girlfriend and have a very hard time socialising with other ppl(but of course there are exceptions).

    At the same time i didn't knew why he is so cold.Now i try to understand the fact that i think he doesn't read emotions very well and can't figure out when i am trying to make a better connection with him- another Asperger Syndrome.He can't read emotions well and at the same time has only one (1) face expression most of the time besides of smiling so he has not developed well in expression of his emotions by body language - other Asperger problem.

    Has almost same patterns every day like going to courses, goes at the same hour for a run around the block and usually stays 1 hour never more.Puts his clothes everytime in the same place, folded , hes phone everytime in the same place, like he has only 1 spot for every thing.This is another symptom of Aspergers, having Rituals in Routine.

    Thanks for the reply , now i think i figured him out and know that he doesn't have anything personal with me , he basicaly was just borned this way.I am not going to try anymore with him cuz i saw that ppl with this problem don't change so i will have to find social relationships outside of the appartment "

    So this is in my opinion the situation.Problem solved.If some of you have knowledge or know persons with this defficience i would really like to hear about it.

    Thanks for the replys guys and girls !!
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    8th grade syndrome or nah?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    When i started reading this, i thought your flatmate probably has Aspergers. It is not his fault, but also not something you can "talk him out of." My nephew has it and he lives with me because his mum struggles with his tempers. But we get on great.
    He struggles to understand other people's facial expressions, does not understand sarcasm, tone of voice or turns of phrase. He will think 'pull up your socks' actually means just that. You have to explain everything really carefully. Different social situations stress him out. If i l take him to visit a friend's house, i must explain the rules. If i then went to visit a different friend, he would not realise it is the same social situation, just in a different place, so i have to tell him the rules again. Every situation is like this, and it really gets him stressed out. He likes to play computers in his room and talk on a head set to people he knows very well.

    Your flatmate will appreciate you more if you leave him alone. No surprises or unexpected guests. He might not know if he has aspergus, but it doesnt matter. Just be clear and polite, dont harass him or put him in novel social situations. Dont expect him to guess your feelings or what you want. I say to my nephew "ive had a bad day at work with rude customers. Im so tired and cross. I will feel better if i watch a funny movie. Do you want to watch it with me? We will just sit, watch, eat and laugh." My nephew then doesnt have to guess my mood and the activity is really predictable and enjoyable for him. Making your flatmate feel safe is a place to start. It would help if your flatmate knew he didnt have to talk with you everytime your paths crossed. Respect his routine, verbalise what you are doing, thinking or feeling, but dont expect him to talk back. Dont badger him with questions.

    No doubt your room mate has something he is really into. My nephew is mad on minecraft, and he can hold a conversation with a stranger on the topic for ages because it is a predictable safe topic for him. Find out what this is for your room mate.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by GrimBeast)
    When i started reading this, i thought your flatmate probably has Aspergers. It is not his fault, but also not something you can "talk him out of." My nephew has it and he lives with me because his mum struggles with his tempers. But we get on great.
    He struggles to understand other people's facial expressions, does not understand sarcasm, tone of voice or turns of phrase. He will think 'pull up your socks' actually means just that. You have to explain everything really carefully. Different social situations stress him out. If i l take him to visit a friend's house, i must explain the rules. If i then went to visit a different friend, he would not realise it is the same social situation, just in a different place, so i have to tell him the rules again. Every situation is like this, and it really gets him stressed out. He likes to play computers in his room and talk on a head set to people he knows very well.

    Your flatmate will appreciate you more if you leave him alone. No surprises or unexpected guests. He might not know if he has aspergus, but it doesnt matter. Just be clear and polite, dont harass him or put him in novel social situations. Dont expect him to guess your feelings or what you want. I say to my nephew "ive had a bad day at work with rude customers. Im so tired and cross. I will feel better if i watch a funny movie. Do you want to watch it with me? We will just sit, watch, eat and laugh." My nephew then doesnt have to guess my mood and the activity is really predictable and enjoyable for him. Making your flatmate feel safe is a place to start. It would help if your flatmate knew he didnt have to talk with you everytime your paths crossed. Respect his routine, verbalise what you are doing, thinking or feeling, but dont expect him to talk back. Dont badger him with questions.

    No doubt your room mate has something he is really into. My nephew is mad on minecraft, and he can hold a conversation with a stranger on the topic for ages because it is a predictable safe topic for him. Find out what this is for your room mate.
    Hei Grim, it seems you have alot of knowledge about the subject beeing directly involved in a relationship with a person with Asperger.I just thought he has something with me but now i know .I think he has a milder form of aspergers than your nephew or the fact that he is 22 years old has made him improve from his initial condition since he was a child because he is able to understand some social stuff.Like he can understand the change in voice tone or tone in general.For example he once told me he didn't like how a student tutor responded to him in a e-mail and he could feel like that student doesn't have to much time for him.

    And when i wanted to talk about the situation some more he told me he usually doesn't think about this stuff and shut me of completely.what about this????

    Interesting is the fact that once i met him in the University cafeteria , and made a head gesture to come and sit with me at the table(but didn't said anything) and eat after he pays for it.I think he didn't understood it because i saw him departing in the other direction the moment after he payed and sat alone at a table.At that moment i took it personally and was a bit frustrated but now i see it otherwise.

    Still something puzzles me, how can he laugh, be articulate, and talk normal with his family?He talks with them like 3-4 hours a day

    Basically if he was like that with other people as well he would be 100% normal.But he doesn't seem able to do it.

    And one more thing.He is a good looking guy.He is tall and slim with muscles because of his daily sporting routine,some girls even wanted to invited themselves in our appartment because they liked him but he refused them from the door.I mean he could have alot more confidence in himself only just by the fact that he is good looking.

    Could sport be his thing?like minecraft for your nephew?
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    Wow, the person you're describing sounds exactly like me...

    It's probably a form of social anxiety, I have it as well and I'm in the same situation, it's making it very hard to enjoy university. It's probably worth noting that he has no real control over it, however it could be something a bit more severe like Asperger like one user above mentioned. Honestly, it might be worth sitting down with him and talking about it, I know as someone whose going through the same thing, I yearn for a person I can sit down and talk about my problems with. I barely know anyone on my course, and it makes classes and the such very hard to go through with.

    I'm not catered for the socializing aspect of Uni in the slightest, and I'm guessing your roommate is in a similar position. He may even be depressed as well, it can result from social anxiety and the isolation that it entails. It makes you want to spend all your time alone, just procrastinating, fearing any kind of social contact. In my current state I would be very happy turning up to lessons, lectures etc and just not talking to anyone, but it's impossible and makes Uni a very isolating and hard experience.

    So I would recommend sitting down with this guy, and asking him if he has any problems, anything at all. I spoke to a university councillor and got very upset, however I opened up to her and I'm now starting to get help with my problems. I would try and be a person he can confide in, and then maybe he'll open up and you can do things together, just the 2 of you to begin with.

    I would love to know if you could keep me posted on what happens with this guy, I'm going through the same so it's refreshing to me.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hei cookie, the problem is that this guy doesn't want to socialize at all.He doesn't do any effort at all, it is so extreme that if you don't know about asperger you take it personally, because he doesn't even give a good morning or barely tries to repsond to yours. and as i said, in the previous post when i asked him about the student tutor problem he told me that" he doesn't think about this stuff" and shutt me off completely.He basicaly is completely closed in his behavior at any of my initiatives to reach out to him.

    I don't know if he knows or not that he has Asperger.Basically my solution to this problem is let him do whatever he does and find people outside of the appartment.I would be lying if i would tell you that hes way of beeing is not upssetting me somehow, because i basically live with a stranger in my flat a really weird stranger , a thing with which i am not used to, and hope for the better i will never be in the situation to experience a second time.The truth is that we are not compatible at all.Would you move in and share bathroom/kitchen/fridge etc...with someone who is the total opposite of yourself have nothing in common with and irritates you with hes bahavior ? No one would ... ( this was mainly adressed to the people that said that the only thing that matters in flat mate is to be clean and not loud - and critisising myself for wanting a connection with the person that i share 1 year of my life in the same location )

    But time passes quickly and i will ask for a room change next year.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    A and by the way about depression . i had it before also so i know how it feels and he is not depressed.I struggled with depression more than a year because of phisical injury.

    I remember very well what i felt back then:Was lost in my own mind, couldn't focus or remember anything, everything was like in a fog, i looked at life like it doesn't have any purpose and compared with a fish tank where everybody struggles for nothing cuz in the end doesn't matter.I had problems getting stuff done and getting out of bet in the morning, i couldn't go to classes most of times because lack of interest and the despair i felt.I talked with other ppl that had depression and it was similar as mine.

    This guy is not depressed.He gets his **** done.Goes to uni, does his daily routine of running, eats, speaks with his family, -but only his family takes every day exactly 3 showers.every day.I couldn't even get my ass out of the bed sometimes when i was depressed or was to tired to even eat and slept with empty stomach.people that had it they know what i am talking about.and second depressions doesn't mean anti social behavior.if you are depressed you are just waiting to talk to someone and tell them how you feel .exactly how you say it cookie.And you can go on for hours about how bad you feel how depressed/lonely etc.It manifests itself exactly the opposite of anti social.You just wait for the opportunity to get the bad thoughts out of yourself with close friends/family or even strangers in the bus ( it happend to me) , it doesn't mather .

    This guy is not depressed he has Aspergers 100%.
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    22
    ReputationRep:
    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by siesta24)
    This guy is not depressed he has Aspergers 100%.
    You don't know this. Not that it matters. He only lives with you. He doesn't have to socialise with you.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Inazuma)
    As I mentioned, you can't change what he is like.
    You just learn to live with it. Or actually ask him whether he'd like to do anything. Going out for a beer or to another city is likely not interesting to him. Staying in and studying or watching something may be.
    Netflix and chill?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I wonder how the flatmate feels? He only feels he can safely socialise with his family on the computer. He is very dependent on them. Do you think he would respond to simple notes you left him? Like a white board in the kitchen, just for basic communication at first. See if he uses it. Might be a way forward with him.
    Frankly you could have a lot worse. I have heard real horror stories about violent, drunk, filthy flatmates.
 
 
 
Poll
Are you going to a festival?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.