Hi could i have some advice on this descriptive writing piece? And what grade would you say i was working at... Im also struggling to get to the 600 words i need, what else could i write about? How can i inprove?
Bonfire NightStood in a muddy field underneath the night sky means onlyone thing, its bonfire night. Crowds of people surround me all dressed in big,warm coats and their winter wellies. Shivering, the children are muffled andburied in their cosy knitted scarves and hats. The eager crowd gather in groupsof friends and family, laughing and joking between themselves while thechildren stand aside dancing and celebrating on the fallen, crisp, autumnleaves. Gentle drops of water tap my head; the field now becomes a mass ofmulti-coloured canopies of protection. The ground becomes filthier each time Istep on it, swallowing my feet with its dampness and the mud splashing to thehems of my dress. The damp, slippery grass is blanketed with empty crisp packets, brokenplastic cups and used sparklers. Despite the downfall the loyal crowdremain enthusiastic for the annual finale. Tantalizing wafts of sizzling hotdogs cling to my nostrils;the intoxicating smell draws me towards the fast food stand like a dog to abone. At the front of the que I am attendedby a slaved overweight man. His skin moves inripples as he waddles around preparing my snack. Sweat oozing out of his skin like waterfalls,his clothes drenched in the grease of oily foods and his body odour stench bad enoughto make your eyes water. Teenagers pointand laugh at the beast behind the concession but he continues to flip mysausage on the grill without a worry in the world. He hands me the steaming hotdog wrapped in a napkin and smothered in ketchup, I hand him the 2 pounds andwe exchange a friendly smile on departure. I smack my lips as I prepare to take the firstbite. Circled around the roaringbonfire, the people of the community stand and watch in awe of the great beast.Thick, grey smoke billows into the air, the once clear midnight sky is no more,choking and suffocating the clouds with its poison. Yellow and orange flamesdance, they dance for their crowd. An illuminous inferno reflects in those eyeswho fall spellbound to the intoxicating but beautiful blaze. Logs of wood arecarelessly tossed onto the bonfire like a wet towel in a laundry basket, theheat now becomes more intense and the almighty beast towers and intimidates hisvictims. The crowd becomes silent, the crackle and pop means only onething, the fireworks have started. Couples huddle together as they watch thebeautiful bottle rockets illuminating the night sky, igniting romance in theatmosphere. Children stare in complete amazement and let out ooo’s and arrr’sas they bury their cold, red, runny noses into the collar of their coats. The cacophony of differently pitchedscreams, screeches and yelps are piercing through my eardrums, deafening me. Explosionsof neon colours excite the twilight sky like a paint palette being poured incrackling fire. Gold streaks burst into the black canvas sky like a luxury bottleof Moet champagne being popped open and exploding in celebration.
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Descriptive writing - Bonfire night watch
- Thread Starter
- 30-10-2015 15:05
- 30-10-2015 16:15
Is this the whole thing? Because it's very short, as you've aforementioned.
First of all, where are your paragraphs? I don't mean to sound overly critical but you can't even begin to enter a C grade without proper paragraphing. It is a shame because some of your description is very detailed, so primarily you need to focus on paragraphing.
Next, the conventions of a descriptive piece are quite different to a narrative. At some places it seems you are losing the descriptive qualities and beginning to tell a story. The way you need to improve this is by deciding to write specifically about small details that you can see, like you have done with the mans appearance. It is no use moving around a lot but much better to really develop some of your descriptions further. For example, 'Explosions of neon colors excite the twilight sky like a paint palette being poured incrackling fire. Gold streaks burst into the black canvas sky like a luxury bottle of Moet champagne being popped open and exploding in celebration.' This could be developed further, talk more about the paint palette and the atmosphere it creates, what are the subjects implications on all 5 senses?
Finally, part of the marking criteria (if you are doing AQA if not I presume all are similar) is that you use appropriate language techniques that are more sophisticated than just similes and metaphors. So can use parenthesis and hyperbole, maybe even an extended metaphor?
Hope this helped. I advice you rewrite your piece based on this advice Also I can't grade this for you sorry though I would say roughly C-B