Turn on thread page Beta
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hey,

    I really didn't want to post this on the internet but I dont know 'who' else to turn to.

    I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now. We're both 20 and we're in a long distance relationship (although we see each other regularly).

    At the start of our relationship our sex life was beyond good. It was insane! We had sex regularly and we were very experimental. However, slowly but surely our sex life started to become non-existent and then whenever we did have sex she never felt comfortable and (without being too descriptive) as soon as I picked up pace she wanted to stop and that was that. It's gone from one extreme to the other. Nowadays I can't even start initiating sex without her saying 'no' or 'what are you doing?' insinuating that what I was doing was wrong.

    Whenever I bring it up she doesn't want to talk about it. What's really strange is that she's admitted that she knows that it's not the same and that she says no but she tells me she doesn't know why.
    She did have the implant but she was advised that it can cause lose of libido so she had it taken out but still nothing has changed.

    Now don't get me wrong - I don't want to force her to have sex (AT ALL!). But I think regular sex in a young relationship is important. It's come to a point now where whenever I'm horny I go straight to porn because I just have no chance with her.

    I just want to know if anyone else has experienced something like this and how they over come it?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    What do you do socially as a couple,do you go on dates?
    Is she stressed about something personal she hasn't shared with you?
    Book a cheap getaway locally perhaps a change of scenery would be good.Or go to a live gig/dance ect just have a bit more fun together.
    She sounds tensed..in terms of contraceptive there is also the IUD coil hormone free one.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Talk to her about how you feel. See if you can come to a solution. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who had a low libido (as mine is very high) but you might be able to work something out if you talk to her about it
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    Couples counselling?
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    Maybe tell her to go to docs if there is a change in her hormones? You both need to talk about it and see if you can resolve it together.

    It's either something biological, psychological or she's just not that into u anymore :/
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    Is she on any medications, such as SSRI's for anxiety or depression etc.?
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    You're not going to solve it unless she talks to you. Make sure you're not accusing her or making her feel guilty and see if she can think of anything which would help?
    • #3
    #3

    I got like that towards the end of my last relationship and it was because the sex wasn't that good anymore. I genuinely found it not worth the effort of getting naked in the middle of winter then having a shower after.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    I had this problem this Summer. He was quite a bit older. We'd been together I dont know 6 months maybe. To start with all was good. Really good. Almost too good sometimes. Then - and I still really don't know why - I lost interest in having sex with him. He never hurt me and I was still attracted to him.

    I couldn't explain my lack of desire because I didn't understand it myself. Communication and other intimacy became really important and strengthened our relationship in different ways. We talked about stuff and did stuff and he was really decent about it all. We're not together now and stuff didn't end great. I guess all along I knew deep down we weren't right for each other but it was good while it lasted.

    My suggestion is that you simply talk to her. Emotional intimacy is as important in a relationship as phsical. Perhaps even more so. Don't pressurise her but also make sure you let her know how you are feeling because that way she'll be more open to talking to you about her own feelings. Call her up instead of texting. Make time for her. Make plans. Take her out on dates again. Take it back to real basics is you need to. Wine her and dine her. Experience new stuff together. Hold hands. Hold her. We love this ****. I'm a good 80% sure she'll get it back again pretty quickly - if she doesn't then maybe it's time for you to reassess where you see the relationship going.

    People change as individuals so it makes sense the relationship wants and needs of a couple will change too. I'm not with the first guy I had a proper relationship with. We lasted a few years. We are both very different people now. Time and distance changed us both and being your stereotypical girl he's still the only guy I've ever really felt anything for. Any advice on how to overcome that? It's getting a bit old now!
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    Sex drive mismatch does crop up in many established relationships I think. Goodness knows why when the early days are rampant. Tiredness and work stress can play a part. And the trouble with sex is that it's a bit like hunger if you don't feel like it you don't feel like it. If she doesn't want to discuss it or seek some medical advice about libido then I don't see much option other than trying to reach a compromise. I compromise at every 7-10 day when my ideal would be every day!
    • #4
    #4

    LOOOL I would dump
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    Sounds like she ain't that into you bruh.

    In all srs though, some relationships end up like this and you have to seriously consider if you want to stay like this. It's unlikely to get better tbh.
    • #5
    #5

    im the same but im the girl? but i know my boyfriend loves me? he just doesnt like having sex with me anymore?
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey,

    I really didn't want to post this on the internet but I dont know 'who' else to turn to.

    I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now. We're both 20 and we're in a long distance relationship (although we see each other regularly).

    At the start of our relationship our sex life was beyond good. It was insane! We had sex regularly and we were very experimental. However, slowly but surely our sex life started to become non-existent and then whenever we did have sex she never felt comfortable and (without being too descriptive) as soon as I picked up pace she wanted to stop and that was that. It's gone from one extreme to the other. Nowadays I can't even start initiating sex without her saying 'no' or 'what are you doing?' insinuating that what I was doing was wrong.

    Whenever I bring it up she doesn't want to talk about it. What's really strange is that she's admitted that she knows that it's not the same and that she says no but she tells me she doesn't know why.
    She did have the implant but she was advised that it can cause lose of libido so she had it taken out but still nothing has changed.

    Now don't get me wrong - I don't want to force her to have sex (AT ALL!). But I think regular sex in a young relationship is important. It's come to a point now where whenever I'm horny I go straight to porn because I just have no chance with her.

    I just want to know if anyone else has experienced something like this and how they over come it?
    I think the main difference in libido between men and women generally is that men can get turned on almost straight away, women need to be in the right frame of mind. The real question is thus "why isn't she in the right frame of mind?". It could be that she's feeling depressed or mentally unwell in a way that is killing her libido generally, or it could be that she is unable to sex you sexually desireable. It's hard to speculate further without you convincing her to discuss the matter openly.

    What I suggest is you make it clear you think is vital for the future of the relationship, and make it clear you aren't demanding she has more sex with you- what you want is to understand the problem of why she doesn't want to do it now. Good luck.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    How long ago did she have the implant out? It can take a while to return to normal. Is she on any other birth control?
    Tbh I am quite like your girlfriend, really into sex in the beginning then really not into it. Sometimes I hate sex and don't want to do it for weeks. I hope they bring out female vigra soon Haha. I think you should tall to your girlfriend and tell her that you want to help her if you can and that sex is important in a relationship.
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    TSR Support Team
    Guess having the implant out may have messed her hormones up, then again she could also be tired and stressed, you both need to talk about this.
    Online

    17
    ReputationRep:
    Are you both at uni? Maybe she's just really stressed and tired. Or maybe she has just lost interest in you? Don't jump to any conclusions without getting her to talk to you first!

    I hope it all works out for you.
    • #8
    #8

    The amount of sex you have in a relationship can decrease over time as it becomes more established and less 'new' and exciting. Other things can make you not want sex too - has she gone through a period of high stress recently? When I was at uni last year I was really stressed and tired, and I just didn't want to have sex as much anymore, and it upset my boyfriend. When are you trying to initiate the sex - is it when you go to bed, or at other times of the day? Sometimes I find I'm too tired when we get into bed, but I'm happy to do it in the morning. It may be to do with your living situations too - I know I'm less likely to enjoy sex when I think people might overhear! It may be that she has gone off sex even more because she's started to find it painful - once you reach that stage it can be quite hard to get your enjoyment of it back, because you're assuming it's going to be painful every time and getting more tense which really doesn't help.

    It may also be that you try and initiate sex a bit too often for her liking - I used to feel under a lot of pressure to have really good sex when I saw my boyfriend as we're long distance too and he'd be all over me as soon as we got privacy, so that turned me off even more. I mentioned that to him and he hadn't realised he did that and since he stopped doing it as much our sex life has improved. He often took things a bit too quickly for me but now doesn't mind taking it more slowly if it means I enjoy it more. We used to have sex every day, often twice a day, when we'd see each other in the early stages of our relationship but now every other day is a compromise.

    Just try and talk to her about it, and it might be worth her seeing a doctor too, as such an extreme loss of libido can be a symptom of an underlying condition or a side effect of birth control.

    (Original post by jaffacake111)
    My suggestion is that you simply talk to her. Emotional intimacy is as important in a relationship as phsical. Perhaps even more so. Don't pressurise her but also make sure you let her know how you are feeling because that way she'll be more open to talking to you about her own feelings. Call her up instead of texting. Make time for her. Make plans. Take her out on dates again. Take it back to real basics is you need to. Wine her and dine her. Experience new stuff together. Hold hands. Hold her. We love this ****. I'm a good 80% sure she'll get it back again pretty quickly - if she doesn't then maybe it's time for you to reassess where you see the relationship going.
    Also the above. My boyfriend and I were rarely going out anywhere and seemed to just stay in watching TV when I lost my sex drive. I like doing that but it got a bit much doing it all of the time. When we started going out and doing things again it started coming back. It's quite easy to become comfortable & forget to do these things, but it's still good to carry on going on dates when you've been together a while. Never let things get stale in a relationship.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    She's cheating on ya bruh
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Just break up, she probably wants to break up with you and doesn't want to do it herself.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: November 7, 2015
Poll
Favourite type of bread

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.