The Student Room Group

Bf's parents not sympathetic to my depression

I'm currently depressed and on antidepressants, and have been for a while. Last year, when my boyfriend's dad found out he said some pretty nasty things about how I was crazy, need professional help, and should be in a mental hospital. This upset me, so I didn't mention anything about my depression any more and tried to make him believe I wasn't actually on them any more without explicitly saying so.

Now it's a year later, and I'm on a different type of antidepressants and a higher dose. Somehow, my boyfriend's dad has found out about this, and he says I'm not welcome in their house until I come off them. I just don't understand this and don't know what to do. I know I'm not well enough to come off them yet. But I love my boyfriend and want to marry him.
Reply 1
he's probably trying in his own way to get you to 'snap out of it'.
Reply 2
Anonymous
I'm currently depressed and on antidepressants, and have been for a while. Last year, when my boyfriend's dad found out he said some pretty nasty things about how I was crazy, need professional help, and should be in a mental hospital. This upset me, so I didn't mention anything about my depression any more and tried to make him believe I wasn't actually on them any more without explicitly saying so.

Now it's a year later, and I'm on a different type of antidepressants and a higher dose. Somehow, my boyfriend's dad has found out about this, and he says I'm not welcome in their house until I come off them. I just don't understand this and don't know what to do. I know I'm not well enough to come off them yet. But I love my boyfriend and want to marry him.


How do you know he said these things? He is probably just ignorant and has no idea what depression is like a lot of people these days. If you have the guts tell him that it would help if he said nothing until he finds out what depression is.
Reply 3
Like the above poster said he sounds really ignorant and obviously hasnt a clue what hes talking about. He's probably really old fashioned, my bfs parents are like that sometimes too and I sometimes feel they havent a clue about what goes on in the world these days :rolleyes:

You could try talking to him, what does your bf say about the situation? Could he maybe talk to them?
People who have never experienced mental illness can never fully understand what it's like so some people are just ignorant, although that is pretty extreme. If you have the confidence you could always confront him and ask him what it is exactly that bothers him about it. Just remember that it's his problem, not yours, and if your boyfriend doesn't care then that's the main thing.
Reply 5
Tell him you'd be far crazier off them so it's in his best interests for you to stay on them :p:
Reply 6
As others have already said, he sounds really ignorant. Sadly a lot of people don't realise that clinical depression is hormonal and that you actually can't do anything about it. It's also a sad truth that the word 'depression' is bandied around way too much these days by emo kids who go around saying 'boo hoo, I'm so depressed' when actually they're probably just sad or attention-seeking (or both). The existence of these people means that people who really have depression aren't always taken seriously. I would say maybe try and explain this to him, or if not, just try and ride it out until you're better. Then maybe this guy will see how moronically and rudely he's been acting towards you.
I think his father is an insenstive *******
Reply 8
Cthulhufiend
People who have never experienced mental illness can never fully understand what it's like so some people are just ignorant, although that is pretty extreme.

not at all. its very very true. i was exactly the same(i shamefully admit it) until i experienced some difficulties.
bobmarley988
not at all. its very very true. i was exactly the same(i shamefully admit it) until i experienced some difficulties.

Me too. I was always the first to say the wrong thing. TBH I thought that depression wasn't an illness but just a bad mood and anitdepressants were for wimps until I was diagnosed.
Reply 10
i agree with whoever said about getting the bf to sit down with his dad. I also agree with fleece :biggrin:
I'm not trying to defend what your bfs dad said, as it sounds very cruel. I can, however, possibly see some of the reasoning behind it. I went out with someone who suffered mental health problems (depression, leading to self harming and suicide attempts) for two years. My parents knew about this, and although they never said anything as blunt as your bfs dad, they did make it clear to me that they didn't think I should go out with him. At the time I resented this, although I understand now that it was because they were scared of how it would affect me if he did anything stupid (indeed, when he sunk into bouts of depression, it would get me very upset, it was particularly bad during my AS levels, which my parents were furious about.) My dad has also suffered from depression in the past, and been on medication for it, so it wasn't a case of them not understanding, more that they were trying to protect me.
Obviously I'm not saying you'd do anything that would hurt/worry your bf, necessarily, but I expect his dad might well be nervous about this, especially if he doesn't understand the condition.
they want the best for their son and you are in their eyes a nut job. of course they dont want you pulling their child down with you. even if your bfs dad did understand he probably would still resent you.
Anonymous
I love my boyfriend and want to marry him.


But does he want to marry you ?
I have know a few girls with mental illness.
I would never want to marry them.
Anonymous
I'm currently depressed and on antidepressants, and have been for a while. Last year, when my boyfriend's dad found out he said some pretty nasty things about how I was crazy, need professional help, and should be in a mental hospital. This upset me, so I didn't mention anything about my depression any more and tried to make him believe I wasn't actually on them any more without explicitly saying so.

Now it's a year later, and I'm on a different type of antidepressants and a higher dose. Somehow, my boyfriend's dad has found out about this, and he says I'm not welcome in their house until I come off them. I just don't understand this and don't know what to do. I know I'm not well enough to come off them yet. But I love my boyfriend and want to marry him.


Nother case of "nasty potential-inlaws syndrome". Not that I am saying you are about to get married.

Anyway. I really don't know what you could do. Sometimes a little "education" works. You could try having a serious talk with them, about the exact nature of your condition and what the medication is doing, to try and convince them that it isn't so bad and you are not "crazy". But often that doesn't work, because with the people one is dealing with are too thick, or too prejudiced to get it. Maybe you could get your boyfriend to do the talking for you?

Or maybe you just need to give them some space and stick it out. Maybe if they realise that you two have been together, say a year, and you have not murdered him or run off to China, then they won't see you as so scary.

In future, don't ever get the boyfriend's parents involved in your personal life.

Good luck!

EDIT - there is a difference between "she is a lovely lass, but do you think this relationship is wise" and "she is a nut job and isn't coming near us until she is off the medication".

However concerned he is, he is being very rude.
acolyte
But does he want to marry you ?
I have know a few girls with mental illness.
I would never want to marry them.

thats a jerky thing to say! your just generalising girls with mental illness!

the fact is her boyfreind is not you so don't assume he thinks like you!
Reply 16
He sounds like he's being extremely insensitive and offensive.

But parents always want to protect their children and they will say and do anything if they think it's right. In his eyes your illness poses a threat to his son's happiness. I am not knocking you for your problems at all, I fully understand mental health problems and I know that hearing insults from his dad must make you feel even worse. However when you have to cope with someone who is very unhappy (be it depression or something else) it makes you feel a little bit sad inside too. To his dad you are the root of that little bit of sad and therefore must be removed.

In truth if he loves you that sadness is irrelevant in the long run.
It sounds as if your BF's dad knows very little, is ignorant, and insensitive too. And it ay just be a case of education. I never really understood depression until I had a (now ex) girlfriend who suffered from it. After spending a couple of hours talking in-depth about it, I had a more clear picture of it, which has helped me a bit since I've had a few mild depressive states since.

You should have words with your boyfriend, who should be having words with his dad, bringing him up to speed, informing him that in the 21st century, depression is widely regarded as genuine illness, and that his inhospitality is only making things worse.

Other than that, I can't see much of a way orward. Your boyfriend should definitely talk with his dad.
I would be interested to know what your boyfriend's stance on this is. I presume he's okay with it? His father is truly an ignorant man. The people posting negative comments on this thread are ignorant too. Would he have the same attitude if you had a physical disability? I know lots of people on medication who live completely normal lives, you are not a "nut job" and anyone who says so is probably unaware of just how prevalent mental illness is in society. I would bet money that every single person posting on this thread knows someone who they don't realise is on medication. Nobody recognises how prevalent mental illness is because proportionally few people admit to it, and that is because of this type of ignorance and stigmatisation. If everyone took the stupid attitude that going onto medication is a sign of being a "nut job" and not of illness there would be many more easily preventable suicides. I wish you all the best.

EDIT: I would understand him being afraid of you "bringing his son down" if you were refusing to address your problem, but if anything the people I know who are on medication are happier than those who aren't!