Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta

Whats the best way to find out/expose a cheating partner? watch

Announcements
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Anon for obvious reasons.

    I'm beside myself with anxiety and paranoia (though I'd love to have my paranoia proven to be unfounded). Its just I have this gut feeling that wont go away.

    She did something with someone when we first went out; I forgave her.

    Despite me thinking I'd moved on, I still think about it, and you never really 'forget it'.

    I love her dearly, and as much as i'd like to think things have changed, and we're much stronger (as it was nearly two years ago since) since, I still feel rather uneasy.

    Specifically recently, where she is working more often, and we have less communication than we used to do. Whenever I've brought this up as a valid concern I'm told she 'fell asleep' or 'her battery died'. My paranoia has gotten so bad I question her often, and she often gets frustrated with me. Eerily enough, sometimes she reacts calmly though.

    Tonight I asked her how work went, and pressed for her to elaborate on what she did, and then expressed how i thought her doing a particular role seemed unrealistic because shes a new starter, and her tone of voice suggested she was a bit nervous upon my pressing the issue.

    I objectively have no way of proving anything. We're long distance, and I daren't get into her social media accounts and the like.

    What can I do to ease these problems?

    Me and her have been down this road before and we broke up only to get back together. Only this time wer'e engaged.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by bardnnyc)
    I'm that someone she did something with and if you don't stop harassing her to spill the details, I,ll oblige you.

    That was two years ago dude. If you ask her that silly question one more time, I,ll make sure you don't see or hear from her ever again.

    You don't own her. She is not under any obligation to be faithful to you.
    Btw, im tired of hearing her moaning about your short flaccid knob.
    Very funny dude...great entertainer you are!
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by bardnnyc)
    I'm that someone she did something with and if you don't stop harassing her to spill the details, I,ll oblige you.

    That was two years ago dude. If you ask her that silly question one more time, I,ll make sure you don't see or hear from her ever again.

    You don't own her. She is not under any obligation to be faithful to you.
    Btw, im tired of hearing her moaning about your short flaccid knob.
    You're an *******.
    OP - if you can't trust her, and haven't truly forgiven her, you need to reconsider whether you want to be with her.
    For now at-least I'd put the wedding plans on hold.
    You're not being unreasonable to have doubts. Even if it was two years ago.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    If you're that paranoid you need to have a serious conversation with her about how you feel and about whether you should continue with the wedding. If you're still not over it when it was two years ago then that says something about your relationship
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    1. It's impossible to feel 100% secure in a relationship with the paranoia method. You simply got to find a way to accept that people will do whatever it is they want, and you can only ensure your own fidelity and hope the favour is returned.

    2. A relationship needs trust, if you simply cannot find a way to get it then maybe the relationship isn't worth it?


    Plus you're in a LDR which sounds like a recipe for disaster one way or the other anyway. You gotta be incredibly invested but also laid back to get through that. They break all sorts of otherwise strong and committed couples.

    Anyway best of luck OP, having a real conversation with your girlfriend is probably the answer. Avoid accusations or accusing tones. Frame this as your issue (paranoia) but yeah.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    Why don't you outright ask her if she's cheating on you and carefully watch her facial reaction?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by GlitterandGold-x)
    You're an *******.
    OP - if you can't trust her, and haven't truly forgiven her, you need to reconsider whether you want to be with her.
    For now at-least I'd put the wedding plans on hold.
    You're not being unreasonable to have doubts. Even if it was two years ago.
    I mean, initially I'd built up a lot of trust with her and thought I could move past it. We got engaged and I'd slowly had no further concerns.

    Just lately she's started a new job working 30/40 hours a week, and our communication has dwindled a heck a lot more than it used to do (although in her previous job she worked less).

    Nowadays, I'll be sending her a message and she sees it but doesn't respond (not always but often). I've brought this up and I've said she feels 'distant' from me and she tells me 'I can't sleep in the bed upstairs, I'm so used laying next to you, that when your not here I can't get to sleep there so I end up falling asleep in sofa'. Now, to start with I thought that was fair enough, she's tired and working a lot.

    Lately, she told me that her battery on her phone had died, while she was in bed; and it made no sense because she has a charger there. She said her phone also went into battery saving mode so all of her tones/notifications were deactivated.

    Last night I said to her, just go up to bed if you're tired, and get used to sleeping in your bed again. She agreed, but as time goes on, I see she's online, I talk to her...she goes silent and doesn't respond (she's seeing my messages), but no reply. At 4am I get a response...'sorry this bed is really comfy, I fell asleep'. Isn't this the polar opposite of what she'd been telling me the day or so before

    I personally feel she's chatting to someone online, or investing her time elsewhere. What can I do to help these deep feelings of suspicion? I see a therapist for anxiety etc, but even with her reassurance I feel odd.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Studentus-anonymous)
    1. It's impossible to feel 100% secure in a relationship with the paranoia method. You simply got to find a way to accept that people will do whatever it is they want, and you can only ensure your own fidelity and hope the favour is returned.

    2. A relationship needs trust, if you simply cannot find a way to get it then maybe the relationship isn't worth it?


    Plus you're in a LDR which sounds like a recipe for disaster one way or the other anyway. You gotta be incredibly invested but also laid back to get through that. They break all sorts of otherwise strong and committed couples.

    Anyway best of luck OP, having a real conversation with your girlfriend is probably the answer. Avoid accusations or accusing tones. Frame this as your issue (paranoia) but yeah.
    Hi,

    I agree with what your saying here. I do love her and I'd love to be able to trust her. I love her deeply and I don't want to end things with her, but my strange gut feeling is basically destroying any trust or feelings I have. We're engaged and I thought we could last and have something. I never thought my insecurities would return.

    Most of my concerns revolve around her not being around, not replying to my messages online as promptly, and then upon me asking her she tells me it's because she falls asleep on the sofa (she works 40/50 HR a week) and has just started a job about two weeks ago. However, Facebook shows her as online when I message her, and she sees them, but tells me she falls asleep on sofa because she can't sleep in the bed when I'm not laying next to her (we're LDR).

    I've had suspicions ever since, and just last night I tell her "why don't you try sleep in your bed and get used to sleeping their again". She says okay. I then message her about 11/12mid and again, she doesn't respond but sees my messages. This morning I woke to a message i received at 4am, and she says 'she fell asleep as the bed is so comfy'. To me, all of those things she says are contradictory and don't add up. It isn't logical to say you can't sleep in your bed, and then upon my messaging and her not replying, then telling me she can sleep in it, is very odd.

    The other night her excuse was her battery died, but also that her phone went into battery mode and deactivated her notifications. But the thing is her charger is always upstairs near her bed. I later Skyed her and she got cross with me and deflected it on me saying: " you can hardly talk, your phone is always on silent, off or dead".

    I dunno what to do, or how to feel,
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Plantagenet Crown)
    Why don't you outright ask her if she's cheating on you and carefully watch her facial reaction?
    Last time I did that she got really upset with me, didn't end well (this was two years ago). I basically didn't trust her responses ended up breaking up temporarily, after I begged her on guilt to have another go.

    This time, I feel differently, I feel I have more reasons to suspect her.

    I may ask her, but could end up jeopardising what I have, if not true.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Yeah honestly dude, its all about trust really, i moved abroad this year, 2000km from my home and my recently new girlfriend (2 months). at the end of the day i let her go to all the parties she wants etc, because i trust her, evidently i ask her not to get drunk for valid and obvious reasons, and we agree on these, i dont know what she does at the parties bar what she tells me but i trust her, talking is key and we do that ALOT. You just have to see how much you really trust her, Ive had those gut feelings twice, and openly spoke to her, she explained it all and said if it helps me shell stop said activity or the reason for me feeling like this, because at the end of the day she doesnt want to upset me. I feel thats how it should be, your gunna have to be honest with your partner and just tell her whats up, because that gut feeling is the worst thing in the world, now i trust my girlfriend 100% and ive been with her 8 months now, i dont have an engagement stressing over me, but you have to realise that stands for something

    i just feel i cant (or anyone infact) tell you what to do, you know your relationship and its your decision, the worst thing would be to read someones comment and that swing you to hypothetically leave her. She may have done nothing and you bear some one elses response who frankly knows 'jack all' to blame, no. you have to talk to her, or not, and come up with your own decision, its your relationship not anyone on this forums.

    Hope it helps man, just being honest
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    OP I'm sorry but you seem to be actively looking for reasons to convince yourself she is cheating. She says she can't sleep without you by her side but then falls asleep and this is one of the things that lead you to believe she may be cheating. People HAVE to sleep, or they die. I think you need to reevaluate your relationship because right now there doesn't really seem to be one.

    Have a mature conversation about how you feel and why you feel this way, and she can tell you how she feels and why. If you don't communicate and just seek to 'expose' something that might not evens be there, your relationship will break down.

    She should be able to understand you and explain calmly and maturely what her situation is. If she won't, then why would you want to be with someone who hides things anyway?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    There are no defined rules for finding a cheating partner. It's simple. If you found the behavior of your partner is changed and he or she is not so much interested in you and your talks and ignoring you. You realize your partner is changed.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    At the end of the day, a strong relationship is founded on trust, yes, but also honesty and communication. I suggest you talk to her about it. Rather than questioning her all the time and acting paranoid (this is probably becoming a big strain on both of you), open up the conversation. Just be like - "I'm really concerned about this, I'm not sure if I trust you anymore, how can we improve this?"

    Maybe the problem is with her, maybe it's with you. But you can only work past this if you do it as a couple.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by georgiaswift)
    OP I'm sorry but you seem to be actively looking for reasons to convince yourself she is cheating. She says she can't sleep without you by her side but then falls asleep and this is one of the things that lead you to believe she may be cheating. People HAVE to sleep, or they die. I think you need to reevaluate your relationship because right now there doesn't really seem to be one.

    Have a mature conversation about how you feel and why you feel this way, and she can tell you how she feels and why. If you don't communicate and just seek to 'expose' something that might not evens be there, your relationship will break down.

    She should be able to understand you and explain calmly and maturely what her situation is. If she won't, then why would you want to be with someone who hides things anyway?
    I probably sound like a ****, and probably according to her I am. But the thing is, I can't help this deep sense of uncertainty. In my therapy right now we are working on my inabilities to deal with uncertainty and resilience and learn how I can try to overcome these.

    It isn't exactly the things she says, of course she could have fallen asleep, she might well be tired, but I don't take anything at face value as much anymore.

    I just have this feeling that all these times she's 'fallen asleep' or whatever has been spent doing something else. She tells me she sporadically wakes up in the night one hour here one hour there. But I just dunno.

    I love her and desperately want to trust her. She has tried to reassure me, but my mind just automatically goes back to my thoughts and her past when she actually did kiss someone else.

    If I could remove my brain and shake away my perceived insecurities I would. I've been in therapy for years and have had such problems most of my adult life.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by nothingbutepic)
    There are no defined rules for finding a cheating partner. It's simple. If you found the behavior of your partner is changed and he or she is not so much interested in you and your talks and ignoring you. You realize your partner is changed.
    Would the reasons I gave be enough for you to feel as I do?

    Would you feel the same ?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Mention guys names you think she may be messing around with in a conversation and look closely at her reaction to it.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I probably sound like a ****, and probably according to her I am. But the thing is, I can't help this deep sense of uncertainty. In my therapy right now we are working on my inabilities to deal with uncertainty and resilience and learn how I can try to overcome these.
    For what it is worth, I think your gut instinct is probably right. She is certainly not telling you something. People don't forget if they fell asleep or their phone ran out of battery. It is a straight fob off plain and simple.

    So you have a question to ask yourself. Do you stick with someone who makes you feel uneasy but won't go out of their way to give you a straight answer to a simple question, or do you end the relationship and find someone who is straight down the line with you?

    I have dated / befriended people like this girl. I have no time for them or the games they want to play, even if said games are not as sinister as we might think.

    Good luck!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    She is now telling me she loves me and whether or not she's upset me..after I responded vaguely to her after she told me she'd fallen asleep.....ffs why does it need to be this way..l

    Why does my gut feel so sick and feel like something is really going on ? I want to just straight out ask her, but I'm not prepared for her responses.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by prettyreckless13)
    Mention guys names you think she may be messing around with in a conversation and look closely at her reaction to it.
    Don't know if she is 100% and I don't know specifically who with, I have an idea she's either using her phone or Facebook to interact with someone. Hence why she is up for periods on a night, and doesn't respond to me at midnight when she blatantly sees my messages, yet at 4am she will respond to me...

    I should note, it's around the same times everynight; same time she ignores me but sees my messages, same times she tends to reply I'm early hours, same time she's active.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Don't know if she is 100% and I don't know specifically who with, I have an idea she's either using her phone or Facebook to interact with someone. Hence why she is up for periods on a night, and doesn't respond to me at midnight when she blatantly sees my messages, yet at 4am she will respond to me...

    I should note, it's around the same times everynight; same time she ignores me but sees my messages, same times she tends to reply I'm early hours, same time she's active.
    there are so many explinations for this - she read the message then fell asleep etc etc, talk to her about it! you need to be open with each other about stuff like this. and I don't mean challenge or question her, have a serious conversation about trust and stuff, if you are going to get through this, it should be as a couple!
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: November 5, 2015
Poll
Do you agree with the proposed ban on plastic straws and cotton buds?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.