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Friendless at university watch

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    I guess this could go into university life or something instead, but the problem is probably mainly to do with my relationship-forming capabilities.

    So I'm half way through first term of first year of uni with no friends. I have never been out (except by myself to watch the rugby lol), even though I would like to, and I don't even know the names of the vast majority of people in my flat; such is the extent of my isolation. I know it's pathetic, but I have never cooked, or hardly ever even used anything in a kitchen to be honest, so I never go in there, and other than that there isn't really any opportunity to talk to my flatmates. And it's been so long now with me making scarcely any contact that I imagine people would be somewhat confused and they're all friends with each other by now anyway.

    As for my course, when we have small groups I will speak to people and am on decent terms with some but I never do anything with those people outside of the classes and it's basically all just study-related chat anyway.

    As for societies, I don't even know why I haven't joined one really, but I haven't. I'm just apprehensive about everything, and I feel like wherever I go friendships will already have been formed, and besides I'm not that interested in most stuff anyway. I'd really like to start doing sports for once in my life but I'd be utterly terrible and everybody would probably turn up with their friends anyway so I doubt I'd ever make any friends that way. Half the term's gone and there are so many opportunities ripe for the taking to not only try to meet people but to just enjoy life for once in general and I don't know what prevents me from taking them.

    So I guess I'm just asking how I can try and form actual connections with the very few people I have spoken to, and how at this relatively late stage I can possibly hope to acquaint myself with anyone new, and if joining any societies or looking into doing any sport would be at all helpful or if all friendship groups will be impenetrably established there already as well. I feel I'm just going to go through this whole year with barely any meaningful in-person human connection in university time, and I certainly will have nowhere to stay next year. Also would like to know if anyone else has experienced this weird self-sabotage of not taking opportunities or trying properly to connect with people even though you want to and how to combat that; I get the positive intent behind all that advice to just do it, but I really don't feel like I can. Perhaps this is more an issue of poor mental health, who knows.
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    Be the instigator, ask the people in your class if they want to eat or catch a cup of coffee or go watch James Bond , they'll properly say yes, and if they say no ask someone else. It sounds a bit late to just go out with the people in the flat, but that mostly because they probably don't your name , so if I was you I would re-introduce yourself and say u found it hard moving away from home so you kept to your self (should put you on better terms with the flat mates). And just join a couple of societies you dong really have to enjoy them , you can just pretend and don't just go for the popular ones try something new.


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    i have a similar problem ....

    You’re not supposed to feel alone at uni...right? i feel invisible.First of all, i am a very awkward person when it comes to meeting new people. I shy away and turn red at the hint of anything uncomfortable or that i am self conscious about...which is a lot of stuff! Secondly, i have major ‘resting-*****-face’ .... i cannot help it, but if i’m not overly happy then i just have a facial expression like a slapped arse. I know i seem like a drag, or moody, but really i’m just incredibly shy and self conscious, trying to play it cool... it just comes across really badly.I’ve missed a fair amount of uni so far and EVERYONE has their little clique .... i don’t know how to get past this.All i want is to connect with people, but i am the very cause of all my problems....how do i get past this and act like a normal person....(please don’t say “join a society” because just no.. i am far too shy to jump into that)
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    (Original post by bk9752579742398)
    Be the instigator, ask the people in your class if they want to eat or catch a cup of coffee or go watch James Bond , they'll properly say yes, and if they say no ask someone else. It sounds a bit late to just go out with the people in the flat, but that mostly because they probably don't your name , so if I was you I would re-introduce yourself and say u found it hard moving away from home so you kept to your self (should put you on better terms with the flat mates). And just join a couple of societies you dong really have to enjoy them , you can just pretend and don't just go for the popular ones try something new.


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    Yeah I guess I'll have to try at some point. But I'm terrible at making conversation with new people too lol. If it's more than one person then I just don't contribute much to the conversation and if it's just one person then it's awkward. Even friends from school I've known for years I suck at talking to apart from like one. I'll probably join some society soon but I don't have high hopes.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i have a similar problem ....

    You’re not supposed to feel alone at uni...right? i feel invisible.First of all, i am a very awkward person when it comes to meeting new people. I shy away and turn red at the hint of anything uncomfortable or that i am self conscious about...which is a lot of stuff! Secondly, i have major ‘resting-*****-face’ .... i cannot help it, but if i’m not overly happy then i just have a facial expression like a slapped arse. I know i seem like a drag, or moody, but really i’m just incredibly shy and self conscious, trying to play it cool... it just comes across really badly.I’ve missed a fair amount of uni so far and EVERYONE has their little clique .... i don’t know how to get past this.All i want is to connect with people, but i am the very cause of all my problems....how do i get past this and act like a normal person....(please don’t say “join a society” because just no.. i am far too shy to jump into that)
    I dunno if resting-*****-face is supposed to be a gender specific term or not but I have whatever the male equivalent is. I'm actually a pretty shy person but shyness comes across as aloofness, superiority, rudeness when you look angry/petulant all the time. People will talk to those who just seem solely shy and be quite nice but if you look angry or something they're not going to lol. I manage to maintain my sanity by talking to people I knew from school and stuff and through being on here all the time but it's not a substitute for actually talking to people really. But it can be a short-term solution/alleviator I guess.
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    Yh I'm pretty bad at making convo too, I mostly listen, people love to talk just start them off and the rest is done , ask a question about their past (I.e school, any moments they had,) sports if u follow sports, the course there on , if there enjoying it, TV SHOWS, everyone watches TV shows , and then they should talk for a while, just smile when they look at you and ask a stupid question , I.e if they are taking about breaking bad, be like what's it about, story, his good it is, and what other TV shows are good , and then just build on it


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    the sad thing is that this is probably extremely common (particularly nowadays with the internet era, it sort of lends an easy excuse to just remain in your room tucked away from everyone else), but individuals experiencing this will never really find each other because they're all isolated.

    i'm not sure what infrastructure for finding accommodation your university has, but if it's possible to end up living with new people next year it sort of gives you a fresh start. sometimes there'll be e-mails/notices/whatever with things like "we're 3 students looking for a fourth to rent a house next year... blah blah blah".

    the truth is that if you started to go into the kitchen more frequently, you may end up friends/friendly with your fellow flat mates. they might wonder at first why they haven't seen much of you - and that awareness will be uncomfortable for you - but after a fairly short period of time if you consistently go in, that'll fade. some people are so natural at making friends. for those of us who aren't, we have to make the decision of whether to actively put ourselves in these uncomfortable situations and potentially expand our social circles or just continue to shy away. it really does come down to that, there's no magic solution.
 
 
 
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