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Should I put any effort into maintaining friendship with him at this point? watch

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    I've been friends with someone for ten years and considered this person one of my closest friends. We have a lot in common and he is always there for me. But - he goes awol for long periods at a time. Sometimes, he is busy, other times a bit down and out and there are other times when I wonder if he just can't be bothered being friends any longer but doesn't want to say so.

    When we do meet up it's great and I have a really good time but he is rarely, if ever, in touch with text or email anymore. He used to love sending big emails and talking on the phone but it's pretty much stopped now. I know he's actually lost friends in the past through being rubbish at keeping in touch, which he has expressed sadness about.

    My dilemma: the last couple of messages I sent received no response. They weren't questions, but just continuing our conversation and filling him in on my life. We currently live about 2 hours away from each other. I will be in his town in a few weeks - should I send a message asking to meet up - or accept that this friendship is probably fading?
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    The friendship is fading, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't pick up where you left. Meet up i guess
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    Ask to meet up with him. If he doesn't respond to that then accept it.
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    Aw. I'm sorry to hear that OP : /
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    (Original post by AlexSO)
    Ask to meet up with him. If he doesn't respond to that then accept it.
    Ok. I don't think he would ever ignore me for something like that but it is still unlikely to answer my question about whether he views the friendship as an obligation in the event that he says he can't make it because he's working or got something else planned already.

    I suppose...the ball would be in his court to arrange something in the future? And if he doesn't, I'll probably have my answer?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    the ball would be in his court to arrange something in the future? And if he doesn't, I'll probably have my answer?
    I would say so - if he doesn't then I really am sorry. But if you meet up you could just hint that it's a shame you don't see each other or talk often and that it would be nice to be in contact with each other more...
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    Time apart can damage a friendship, however , if you really did get on well in the past there is no reason you can't still be good friends. Perhaps your friend is just going through a bad time in life and needs some space, people don't always open up about their life to friends.
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    (Original post by Mancini)
    Time apart can damage a friendship
    I do wonder why though (as in the time factor)
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    (Original post by kka25)
    I do wonder why though (as in the time factor)
    Well it's just natural that the less you nurture a friendship the more it will fade and eventually end.

    Why don't you go get yourself a flower and take care of it , then at some point stop watering it and taking care of it then see the results it will be the same.

    However , there are some friendships that can comeback from this although I would say for the majority it's unlikely. People change and life changes people and eventually we just don't want to always be seeing the same people because we don't connect aswell anymore.
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    (Original post by Mancini)
    Time apart can damage a friendship, however , if you really did get on well in the past there is no reason you can't still be good friends. Perhaps your friend is just going through a bad time in life and needs some space, people don't always open up about their life to friends.
    Last time we met he actually was going through a rough time. So that could be it...then again, he once "lost track of time" for 18 months...

    I'm thinking I will reach out one more time...because I don't want to lose him. If he doesn't respond in the way I would like, I will have to accept it. Although - a friend suggested that before asking him to meet up, I should first ask if he actually still wants to still be friends/find out where I stand. I'm a bit confused about what to do really.
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    (Original post by Mancini)
    Why don't you go get yourself a flower and take care of it , then at some point stop watering it and taking care of it then see the results it will be the same.
    The way you phrased isn't really the best way to put it you know.
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    (Original post by Mancini)
    Well it's just natural that the less you nurture a friendship the more it will fade and eventually end.

    Why don't you go get yourself a flower and take care of it , then at some point stop watering it and taking care of it then see the results it will be the same.

    However , there are some friendships that can comeback from this although I would say for the majority it's unlikely. People change and life changes people and eventually we just don't want to always be seeing the same people because we don't connect aswell anymore.
    I know. That's why it sometimes amazes me when people boast about not seeing friends for years and then finding they start off "right where they began". How? Surely so much has changed in the interim?
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    (Original post by kka25)
    The way you phrased isn't really the best way to put it you know.
    Yeah but I'm sure you get the message though and that's what matters.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know. That's why it sometimes amazes me when people boast about not seeing friends for years and then finding they start off "right where they began". How? Surely so much has changed in the interim?
    I haven't seen some people on my Facebook for years infact don't even talk but I'm sure if I bump into them on the street it will be just like yesterday. When I went through tough times I didn't really want to see my friends, so I'm speaking from experience. To be honest though I'm not the best at this friend thing, I do my best but it's hard to juggle and for some people even friendship is about material but there are good friends out there who can add to your life in more meaningful ways.
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    (Original post by Mancini)
    I haven't seen some people on my Facebook for years infact don't even talk but I'm sure if I bump into them on the street it will be just like yesterday. When I went through tough times I didn't really want to see my friends, so I'm speaking from experience. To be honest though I'm not the best at this friend thing, I do my best but it's hard to juggle and for some people even friendship is about material but there are good friends out there who can add to your life in more meaningful ways.
    Well said Mancini. You sound like the sort of friend to be valued.

    But have you ever had that thing where you are sporadically in contact with someone until you realise that actually...neither of you are into the friendship anymore? I had a realisation this week that there are two friends I do this with for years at a time! And I also realised we do it because we like each other but don't want to quite sever things completely.

    The truth is I want to know where I stand with this friend. If he's fading out because he no longer wants to be friends after a decade, that's okay. Life changes, but I'd like him to say so. Asking me to "keep in touch" and then not responding to anything is utterly annoying. I find the fading out thing really cowardly.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well said Mancini. You sound like the sort of friend to be valued.

    But have you ever had that thing where you are sporadically in contact with someone until you realise that actually...neither of you are into the friendship anymore? I had a realisation this week that there are two friends I do this with for years at a time! And I also realised we do it because we like each other but don't want to quite sever things completely.

    The truth is I want to know where I stand with this friend. If he's fading out because he no longer wants to be friends after a decade, that's okay. Life changes, but I'd like him to say so. Asking me to "keep in touch" and then not responding to anything is utterly annoying. I find the fading out thing really cowardly.
    Well there's no need to rush about it , you know once he comes out of whatever he is dealing with and you possibly do see each other take some time to talk to him about why his behaving like this and explain how it makes you feel and hopefully he is understanding and you can resolve the situation. I've had these sort of sporadic friendships with a few people but I can always tell when it's a relationship that is not worth my time and end it. I would rather have a few amount of friends who I can really talk to and engage in good conversations then have many friends who are really not friends at all and the relationship is clearly weak.

    Another option instead of confronting him is just let him be, you too can make a decision yourself about whether this person is worth all this mental stress and hussle. I personally wouldn't be friends with someone if I knew they were intentionally ignoring me continuously and almost using me , it's rude and highly immature not got time for that.
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    Why don't you bring this up with him. Call (or text if that's too stressy) and say that you feel he's not really very interested in talking with you, and you're wondering why since you know he's regretful about other friendships that have ended. Then if he doesn't reply, brushes you off - ditch. You can't stay friends with someone when you do ALL the work.
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    (Original post by Mancini)
    Well there's no need to rush about it , you know once he comes out of whatever he is dealing with and you possibly do see each other take some time to talk to him about why his behaving like this and explain how it makes you feel and hopefully he is understanding and you can resolve the situation. I've had these sort of sporadic friendships with a few people but I can always tell when it's a relationship that is not worth my time and end it. I would rather have a few amount of friends who I can really talk to and engage in good conversations then have many friends who are really not friends at all and the relationship is clearly weak.

    Another option instead of confronting him is just let him be, you too can make a decision yourself about whether this person is worth all this mental stress and hussle. I personally wouldn't be friends with someone if I knew they were intentionally ignoring me continuously and almost using me , it's rude and highly immature not got time for that.
    That's the thing - at the moment, I don't know if he is ignoring me because he just can't be bothered OR because he is struggling with some things in his life. If I don't say anything, in order to get to the bottom of it, and he shows up months later having been depressed or similarly struggling...I would feel bad. If, on the other hand he's like "hey! sorry lol just been busy, noticed the ice caps melted and felt obligated to text" then I think I know where I stand.

    I'm like you. I want to have close friendships that energise me and them. I find this occasionally chatting and limping the friendship along draining.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's the thing - at the moment, I don't know if he is ignoring me because he just can't be bothered OR because he is struggling with some things in his life. If I don't say anything, in order to get to the bottom of it, and he shows up months later having been depressed or similarly struggling...I would feel bad. If, on the other hand he's like "hey! sorry lol just been busy, noticed the ice caps melted and felt obligated to text" then I think I know where I stand.

    I'm like you. I want to have close friendships that energise me and them. I find this occasionally chatting and limping the friendship along draining.
    Whether he is ignoring you because he can't be bothered or depression fact is he is ignoring you and right now this issue is sapping your energy and you should not be wasting time on it. Live your life and put him to the back of your mind for now don't let it be such a big issue, you said you have tried contacting him that's all you can do, don't keep chasing him. If a person wants to meet you in life they let you know.
 
 
 
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