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Should I break up with my boyfriend? watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Warning this thread is really long and long winded I just don't know how much context to use to I tried to cram in a lot of it.
    I'm only 19 but am in a serious long term (5 year) relationship and lived with my boyfriend for a year before moving to university which is the other side of the country. I love my boyfriend but for about 6 months leading up to university I had small infrequent thoughts wondering if my relationship would last while at university which were followed imediatley by guilt and pushed at the back of my mind. These were because I would get mad at him for no reason and want to go home but usually ended up going back to him the same night or next morning because it was better than being home with my family. While with my boyfriend I ended up pushing most of my friends away and only spending time with him. Over the past year and a half I made a conscious effort to spend more time with friends but that was only about once a month.
    After moving to uni I made an effort to make friends and go out more. I think the combination of becoming more independant and the copious amount of male attention I recieve has really boosted my confidence and whereas back home I appeared quite outgoing but suffered with anxiety when trying to talk to people now it's no longer an act. I barley get anxiety at all now. I think I prefere who I am now.
    I felt guilty for not missing him when I didnt see him for 3 weeks but put it down to keeping myself so busy. He visits me fairly regularly now but is absolutley miserable without me. He's extremly sweet and loves me more than anything and really doesn't deserve me to feel like this. He rings me in the morning to wake me up for lectures so I dont miss them, he sends me gifts, he offers me emotional support and is always there for me. Part of me feels like the main reason I love him is because he loves me so much. He's also the only person in the whole world that I trust and I think he understands me more than anyone. We still have sex a lot when he visits and have an exciting sex life and he always makes sure I finish first yet I still don't feel satisfied. I slept with another guy since starting uni (frst time ever and with my boyfriends permission) and didnt enjoy the sex then either but I think that was down to the other guy being bad in bed. The only way I can think of describing my feelings towards my boyfriend is as if he was my brother. He's been such a big part of my life and is in nearly every memory and photo I have since I was 13 so no matter what happens there will always be a connection between us. I'm really close to his family and wont be able to get rid of all the stuff he bought me and all the photos of us because almost everything would remind me of him, and he's even in most of my family holiday photos. He's my best friend and loosing him would break my heart so I think I may be staying with him as a lover so I don't loose him as a friend. I've agreed to get a house with him next year and share a car so feel more pressured than ever to make a decision as to where this relationship is going because if I decide against once we get the house I'll be trapped.
    I havent given him any indication that anythings wrong in the relationship and have even discussed marriage (We're engaged) and children with him so this would be such a hurtful shock to him. I really dont know what to do and need advice. I don't know if this has been partially brought on by not being able to talk to him about much of my uni stuff as he doesn't understand (there has always been an intelligence gap but it felt less important when I was young) or by my attraction to other guys I'm meeting here although the main reason is that Our relationship has started to feel like that of siblings. I think If we were to split up I would become polyamourous as I've always been poly-minded and want to stop having to push away and hide my feelings.
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    yes
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    I'm sorry. different relationship.
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    The guy has put some much effort spent so much affection for you. If you still feel nothing for him leave, but think about the consequences of the guy. If hes been with you for so long try to explain to him about the other men and how you had sex with another person. Honesty can help end and mend relationships.
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    I would say no up to the point where he allowed you to sleep with another guy... That's so weird, but to be honest he probably wasn't decisive enough to say no and probably felt awful.
    I think you have to talk to him first, discussing stuff you've mentioned here, and then make a decision together, rather than jump to conclusions.
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    Why don't you use paragraphs? And the answer is yes.
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    Yeah, break up with him. He deserves better.
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    Just addressing one part of the factor, cause I don't really have the time to do it all, though I have read the whole thing: is there any particular reason he's not at uni? Is he from a less-privileged/financially well-off family? Could he not pursue uni with you so you can both grow together intellectually, instead of you leaving him behind now that you feel you've grown out of him? It just seems a shame to me to ditch such a long relationship in which, by your own admission, you've become best friends that truly understand each other. Take it from someone who's been in a similar 5-year relationship, albeit a less intimate one; it'll **** both of you up pretty bad, and by the sounds of it him that little bit more.
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    Go for it!!!!!!
    • #2
    #2

    Polyamourous is just a fancy word for being a whore. I don't understand people who think like you, it's disgusting.

    You slept with another guy, and he sounds like he deserves so so much better!! If you're not capable of loving a person properly, BREAK UP WITH THEM.

    Sorry, just my opinion XD
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Polyamourous is just a fancy word for being a whore. I don't understand people who think like you, it's disgusting.
    Sorry, just my opinion XD
    This is a nasty mindset. As long as all of the people involved in the relationship are aware that it is polygamous there is no issue. And whilst polygamy seems weird to you, monogamy seems weird to others. Just let people be happy
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by georgiaswift)
    This is a nasty mindset. As long as all of the people involved in the relationship are aware that it is polygamous there is no issue. And whilst polygamy seems weird to you, monogamy seems weird to others. Just let people be happy
    Sorry for my choice of words. I just can't comprehend polygamous people getting themselves involved in these sorts of relationships... This guy clearly loves her and is going to be heartbroken.

    This guy is going to be hurt because she can never feel that way for one person?? It confuses me, where are the morals?

    Maybe I'm weird. I just cannot understand. I've seen it so much.
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    Yes, your boyfriend will be heartbroken but it sounds like it is time for you both to move on. How is it that you are planning on sharing a house/car next year if you are at uni across the country?
    It is natural that if you started dating at age 13 you'd start to grow apart. If you are feeling like you'd like to pursue a
    polyamourous lifestyle then that is up to you; but you owe it to your current boyfriend, that you claim is your best friend, to have the opportunity to have a relationship with a new girl who will genuinely appreciate the effort he puts into the relationship and deserves to be loved likewise in return. He doesn't want a platonic best friend.
    You shouldn't feel guilty or bad - your lives have taken different paths but it is time to end this relationship so you can both find what you want in life. You shouldn't stay together because it is comfortable and convenient and if that is the only reason you are staying with him it is just prolonging the inevitable.
    I can't believe that he was okay with your sleeping with someone else though. You either have a very non-traditional relationship or he needs to be stronger and more assertive with what he needs. He sounds really caring to the point of being a push over, potentially.
    Anyway evaluate what you want. If you want to move forward to a different life/lifestyle via your uni then do the right thing and break it off. Usually, doing what is right is the hardest choice.
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    TSR Support Team
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Warning this thread is really long and long winded I just don't know how much context to use to I tried to cram in a lot of it.
    I'm only 19 but am in a serious long term (5 year) relationship and lived with my boyfriend for a year before moving to university which is the other side of the country. I love my boyfriend but for about 6 months leading up to university I had small infrequent thoughts wondering if my relationship would last while at university which were followed imediatley by guilt and pushed at the back of my mind. These were because I would get mad at him for no reason and want to go home but usually ended up going back to him the same night or next morning because it was better than being home with my family. While with my boyfriend I ended up pushing most of my friends away and only spending time with him. Over the past year and a half I made a conscious effort to spend more time with friends but that was only about once a month.
    After moving to uni I made an effort to make friends and go out more. I think the combination of becoming more independant and the copious amount of male attention I recieve has really boosted my confidence and whereas back home I appeared quite outgoing but suffered with anxiety when trying to talk to people now it's no longer an act. I barley get anxiety at all now. I think I prefere who I am now.
    I felt guilty for not missing him when I didnt see him for 3 weeks but put it down to keeping myself so busy. He visits me fairly regularly now but is absolutley miserable without me. He's extremly sweet and loves me more than anything and really doesn't deserve me to feel like this. He rings me in the morning to wake me up for lectures so I dont miss them, he sends me gifts, he offers me emotional support and is always there for me. Part of me feels like the main reason I love him is because he loves me so much. He's also the only person in the whole world that I trust and I think he understands me more than anyone. We still have sex a lot when he visits and have an exciting sex life and he always makes sure I finish first yet I still don't feel satisfied. I slept with another guy since starting uni (frst time ever and with my boyfriends permission) and didnt enjoy the sex then either but I think that was down to the other guy being bad in bed. The only way I can think of describing my feelings towards my boyfriend is as if he was my brother. He's been such a big part of my life and is in nearly every memory and photo I have since I was 13 so no matter what happens there will always be a connection between us. I'm really close to his family and wont be able to get rid of all the stuff he bought me and all the photos of us because almost everything would remind me of him, and he's even in most of my family holiday photos. He's my best friend and loosing him would break my heart so I think I may be staying with him as a lover so I don't loose him as a friend. I've agreed to get a house with him next year and share a car so feel more pressured than ever to make a decision as to where this relationship is going because if I decide against once we get the house I'll be trapped.
    I havent given him any indication that anythings wrong in the relationship and have even discussed marriage (We're engaged) and children with him so this would be such a hurtful shock to him. I really dont know what to do and need advice. I don't know if this has been partially brought on by not being able to talk to him about much of my uni stuff as he doesn't understand (there has always been an intelligence gap but it felt less important when I was young) or by my attraction to other guys I'm meeting here although the main reason is that Our relationship has started to feel like that of siblings. I think If we were to split up I would become polyamourous as I've always been poly-minded and want to stop having to push away and hide my feelings.
    I am sorry to sound harsh but this guy deserves better and the right to know that you want to break up with him, the fact you are asking then you should break up with the poor guy and let him find someone else who actually wants to be with him because you clearly don't.
 
 
 
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