Turn on thread page Beta

grade rating for narrative writing and feedback watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    6
    ReputationRep:
    hi was just wondering if their are any gcse English teachers online if they could please give a suggested mark for wjec gcse English narrative writing for content and organisation via marks according to the band grading and mark me on sentence structure, punctuation and spelling please as given in the work assignment grade banding.

    An unforgettable day

    It was a cold, gloomy, early Monday morning towards the end of November when my mum awoke me from my daydream to get me ready for my long day ahead. After my mum helped me to finish getting ready I began to feel very nervous and sleepy still as I knew what was ahead of me. As I sat eating my breakfast my mum began shouting,
    “We’re running late!”
    as she struggled to push me out of the door as the wheels of the wheelchair kept getting stuck in the door like a car wheel that had been clamped. That morning my mum pushed me down the back alley towards the bus stop. The bus stop stood proud and had much dignity in keeping people warm from the cold air and dry from the pouring rain that fell.
    On the bus it was very daunting as people looked at me as though there was nothing wrong with me and thought that I did not need the wheelchair. The journey was very unnerving as people were talking extremely loudly like a group of chipmunks and children were screaming like seagulls at a seaside resort because they were hungry. As the bus approached every bus stop people with pushchairs starred at me with judging eyes as the bus driver had to refuse them entry onto the bus as I was sat in my wheelchair taking up all the pushchair and wheelchair space.
    The hospital was just around the corner and I heard my mum saying to me,
    “You ready for your big operation”
    Being five years old at the time I said to my mum, that I was scared and that I didn’t want to have it done without my mum being by my side. As we approached the hospital there was a collective of patients and visitors outside smoking and all you could smell was the horrible tarry smell of smoke like an old house’s chimney. Going through the hospital doors and into the warmth of an oven I could see the last bit of breath come from my mouth as it was far too cold outside. Once inside the hospital there was lots of doctors and nurses all rushing around the hospital in their nice tidy uniforms and crowds of people walking everywhere wearing normal everyday clothing.

    Before my mum took me up to the ward we stopped off at the hospital cafe which was very small in size and there wasn’t very much space to sit down as my mum tried to get the wheelchair as close to the table near where she sat as possible, I think that it was the smell of freshly ground coffee that had enticed my mum into the cafe late that morning.
    That afternoon my mum took me up to the ward to get me settled before my big operation came. I remember the ward looked very daunting with really dull coloured walls and was more like a morgue rather than a hospital and parts of the lighting was flashing like you where in a pub that had strobe lighting. The patients in the beds next to me didn’t look well and looked a pasty grey as though they only had a few days left to live which then got me thinking and i started sobbing heavily because I thought I was brought up on to the ward to die rather than have a big operation to sort out my left hip. My mum was trying to cuddle me to stop me from crying which was comfy but didn’t really work. All I could think about was that I was going to die and that I wasn’t going to see my mum ever again.
    The doctor came around the ward and stopped outside my cubicle where I was laying in bed trying to sleep. The doctor came in and asked my mum how we were doing. He wasn’t much older than my mum and was around twenty nine years of age. He had a white coat on that looked like an albino mouse and his name tag was stuck to the outside of his pocket the doctors name was Mr bell and he sat down beside me and my mum and asked,
    “How are you feeling today Paul”
    and I replied back to the doctor
    that I was in so much pain and that I felt like I was going to die.

    The doctor tried to comfort me and my mum by saying that I wasn’t going to die in a smooth gentle manner and said that he had done this operation about fifty times already. He then reiterated what he said at my last consultation about what he was going to do in surgery to try and rectify my developmental dysplasia of the left hip and said that he would need to make a big incision on the left hand side of my hip so that he could cut my hip bone in three areas which would then allow him to twist my hip so that my ball and socket would fit perfectly in place. After this the doctor then asked my mum if she consented to me having the operation and passed her the consent form for her too sign. I then looked over at my mum and could see that she was going to cry and the doctor said that the anaesthetist would be round very shortly very shortly to get me prepared for the surgery. The anaesthetist came later that afternoon and explained that my surgery was booked for early Tuesday morning and explained that he would be on the ward around half past six to get me ready.
    That night I tried to sleep, but because of all the noise of patients screaming due to the amount of pain they were in and the nurses running back and forth slamming doors behind them kept disturbing my sleep pattern, just then I needed to go to the toilet and pressed my buzzer to try and get the attention of the nurses as I needed to go to the toile. The nurses took roughly an hour to answer my buzzer as I kept shouting,
    “ Nurse, nurse I need to go badly”
    just then one of the nurses came to me and asked what all the shouting was and I said that I needed to go to the toilet really badly so the nurse said I’ll be back shortly and off she went to fetch me a urine bottle as I could not get out of bed to go to the toilet myself. the nurse eventually came back with the urine bottle and told me to just place it on the bedside cabinet beside me when I had finished.

    Early Tuesday morning at half past six Mr bell my consultant came back onto the ward and explained that I had not had a recent x-ray taken of my left hip and asked one of the nurses to arrange this for as soon as possible and that if I didn’t have this x-ray done that he would have too postpone my operation for the morning and that it would not take place until later that afternoon around two pm.
    At seven am Tuesday morning the porters came into my cubicle and took me down to the x-ray suite on the cubicle bed and all I could remember seeing is the lights that were mostly flickering and the upside down faces of two giants that over towered me. Just then we approached the x-ray room and the radiographers put their cold hands under my back to lift me on to the x-ray table their hands were like ice on my warm body and they positioned me how they wanted me for the x-ray by placing my legs apart and my left leg slightly to one side, they also place a extremely cold x-ray plate onto my hip. Once ready the radiographer told me to lay very still as they took the x-ray and I could hear a shuddering noise coming from the x-ray machine it sounded like a tractor that was running out of petrol.
    Back up on the ward for quarter past seven and the nurse was already stood in my cubicle ready to get me ready for my operation that morning. The nurse put a cannula into my left hand and put tape around it to stop the cannula from coming loose.
    the anaesthetist was on his rounds and asked me how I was feeling this morning and I said that I hadn’t got much sleep because of the noise and that I was very tired and jokingly the anaesthetist turned around and said that I would have plenty of time to sleep during my operation, eight am came really quickly that morning and the porter and anaesthetist started to take me down to the theatre room where I would be having my surgery and all I can remember is having a load of nurses around me which for a five year old boy was very daunting. One nurse came unto me and said I’m just going place an injection into your arm to make you sleep and asked me to count backwards to zero. All I cold remember at this point was how bright the theatre lights were and how I was starting to get a headache.
    It was around two pm in the evening when I awoke and I felt really weak from the surgery and tried to look around for my mum but couldn’t see her anywhere on the ward so I started to cry and shouted,
    “Mum where are you I’m scared”
    Just then one of the nurses came and explained to me that my mum had just gone to the canteen for some dinner and that she would be back very shortly. Well this just made me cry even more as my mum was more like my best friend and I couldn’t cope with her not being at the side of me.
    Later that night the doctor came around and said that the operation was a complete success and that I would have to spend the next three weeks in hospital with my leg in traction and that in the next couple of days I was going to be transferred from Sheffield Hallamshire hospital to Doncaster royal infirmary.
    The day of the transfer and I can remember seeing two nice angels for ambulance people stood next to me and said they were going to be taking me to Doncaster royal infirmary children's hospital I was so excited when I got there because the staff where extremely polite and there was plenty of other children my age that I could play with well with in the limit of being in bed that is. remember the lovely sally one of the nurses asking me if I wanted to go into the games room I was over the moon because this was the first time after my operation that I actually got to play on computer games.
    The next three weeks flew by as I was now enjoying myself and the day for me to be discharged from hospital came with it and I was glad to be going home as I was missing all my friends plus I was no longer in my wheelchair anymore so I didn't have to rely on my mum to push me anymore.
    Getting outside the sun was sparkling down like a twinkling star and almost touching my hand just like the way I felt after being in hospital I was sparkling with joy as I no longer needed a wheelchair to get around in anymore.

    please if a English teacher could take their time and then mark this piece of work within the grade bandings provided by wjec also if you could possibly give me any feed back as to how I could possibly make slight alterations in this narrative piece I don't really want to change the way the story comes across but if you find anything to do with sentence structure or have alternative words or connectives I could use I would be most grateful and I would also like too thank everyone for taking their time to mark this work for me.
 
 
 
Poll
Do you think parents should charge rent?
Useful resources

Study tools

Rosette

Essay expert

Learn to write like a pro with our ultimate essay guide.

Thinking about uni already?

Thinking about uni already?

See where you can apply with our uni match tool

Student chat

Ask a question

Chat to other GCSE students and get your study questions answered.

Creating

Make study resources

Create all the resources you need to get the grades.

Planner

Create your own Study Plan

Organise all your homework and exams so you never miss another deadline.

Resources by subject

From flashcards to mind maps; there's everything you need for all of your GCSE subjects.

Papers

Find past papers

100s of GCSE past papers for all your subjects at your fingertips.

Help out other students

Can you help? Study help unanswered threads

Groups associated with this forum:

View associated groups

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.