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struggling watch

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    #1

    coming up to week 8 of uni and i'm struggling. mid-term exams went very badly, i would be surprised if i get over 30-40% on any of them. haven't made a single friend yet, managed to go along to some social events though and had quite a few good nights out. ever felt that you go unnoticed though, like not one person remembers your name but you remember practically everything you talked about with them? that was in the first couple of weeks, i feel so broken that i can't leave my room without feeling quite uncomfortable

    guess i've never been the most confident person, i usually think negatively about myself and my life in general but i do sometimes have my good days where i feel incredible but something always brings me crashing back down to earth. that negativity must just radiate from me. i'm not worth knowing if i have no good qualities. i haven't had one of those good days in some weeks now

    i've been unhappy for years (bar those few good days that crop up now and again) but it's mostly been bearable I'd say. never had to go see anyone about it or talked to anyone about it, just kept it to myself and cracked on with life. coming to uni has amplified the negative feelings to the point that my personal tutor noticed how depressed i looked. they were starting to berate me for bad attendance and my eyes started to well up a bit. after a bit of a discussion they recommended i go to counseling and start attending properly so that i'll get to know people on my course. bad attendance is due to being tired and sleeping quite a lot, plus i feel that i might have lost interest in learning all together, not that i have an alternative to that at this moment in time. i did have a job which sucked and i don't want to go back to a terrible job from here. but i might have to i guess, i'm so lost with the subject matter now it might be too late for me to get on track, especially in this state

    counseling appointment is in 2 weeks, god i hope i don't still feel this **** in 2 weeks, i don't know if i can bear it that much longer. i've never even told my mum how i really feel, i don't know if i can tell some stranger. or maybe that might make it easier somehow i guess i'll see how it goes, don't really know what to expect from it

    everyone around me is having the time of their lives (as you should at uni i guess) and i'm here feeling the lowest i've ever felt in my life, at 3am on a saturday morning, whinging on the internet. my head is such a mess, how have i gotten to this point. i'm not the same person i was a few months ago. maybe i am, just the bit of me that pretends to be alright has ****ed off somewhere. a reappearance would be pretty good right about now otherwise i'm gonna be stuck like this. what if i go home for Christmas and my friends think i've turned weird. i'm normally quite outgoing and we have a good laugh. they wouldn't even want to know me like this. all i seem to do is think bad things. i have never hated myself this much. so insignificant, no ambition, no hope. i feel so lost.
    • #2
    #2

    Hi. I'm sorry but I haven't been able to read everything you wrote (I have some learning disabilities and loads of words just do not agree with me). I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It may not be "normal" to feel how you do but it is certainly not uncommon. I know you have counselling, but have you considered seeing a doctor and doing some therapy. I found that counselling didn't offer me nearly as much benefit as therapy did.

    You are not going to be stuck like this forever. You just need to find some help that works for you. Have a look at mind.org to see if any of it helps. It helped me a lot.

    Good luck and remember, IT DOES GET BETTER!

    If you need anybody to vent to before your counselling you can always email Samaritans (it's not just for people in crisis and is completely anonymous)
 
 
 
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