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    I am a second year student and a friend of mine and also another one at university who is doing the same degree course are struggling, to be quite frank! I don't mind helping at all! Last year I used to sit with them both, trying to gather facts and evidence and research articles. This year however, I am up to my eyes in it. I have to do/prepare three essays by January and also type up my notes from lecture and plus: I am working so I haven't really got spare time on my hands.

    Moreover, she asked me if I can sit with her outside of university each week as I need to give her guidance and step each of the way! I mean.. I think she really isn't putting any effort in! I used to always tell her she needs more research in her work, etc. I told her I may be wrong because I just went through the guidance sheet and told her to do the same but she's a bit off with me and she's seen my WhatsApp texts but hasn't replied.

    I feel really bad :/ I am a helping person but the time I spend to help her hours on end could be the time I spend on my own work!

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    You shouldn't be jepodising your own work in order to help her. The impression I get is that she seems to be expecting it now? It's not as if it's 5 minutes here and there?

    She needs to learn to do the work herself.
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    (Original post by OU Student)
    You shouldn't be jepodising your own work in order to help her. The impression I get is that she seems to be expecting it now? It's not as if it's 5 minutes here and there?

    She needs to learn to do the work herself.
    Exactly. She always struggles because she isn't putting any effort in. When she gets stressed she just smokes which wastes time.

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    When I was at a brick uni, it wasn't unusual for people to meet up and work together. But they'd actually go over the work together, which isn't the impression I get here at all. I'd give up and concentrate on your own work personally.
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    I've fallen into this trap on three occasions now. Try to think of it like this - if you end up doing the work for them, you're not actually helping them at all. You're stopping them learning for themselves.

    I don't know if it was the right thing to do, or whether it would be right for you, but I just reached the point where I told them point blank that I wasn't going to do any more for them. They'd worked with me enough to see how it was done. If they hadn't been sensible enough to learn from that, I couldn't be responsible. Two of them pretty much haven't spoken to me since and the third keeps communication to a minimum. It ought to be unpleasant, but it's really just a relief. They turned out not to be friends at all.

    I know from experience that it's easier to give the advice than to implement it, but you need to just stop helping. With my friends, their requests for help became expectations, and eventually, demands. If they got poor marks, those were my fault. Looking for a reference became reading the paper and telling them what they needed to answer the question. TBH, my "help" was starting to border on an academic offence before I felt I could put my foot down.
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    Maybe try setting yourself some times in the week when you are willing to help (for example 1 hour on 2 separate days) so then see if they can do some work in between and just ask you in those times any questions or when they get stuck. You would have to be strickt and not do anything out of the times you set.
    Maybe explain how to do a task (e.g. go through a paper and find the important bits) and then set kind of 'homework' for her to do. So explain the process of having a assessment set to handing in completed work. Over time you would hope she will learn how to do it without you at every step.

    That's what I do with my support, I get different 1-2-1's at different points in the week, so I do some work myself in between and then go to them with various questions or things I got stuck with. so could she do that, and then it would encourage her to learn to do stuff for herself too?

    But then really it sounds like to me you are doing more than 'helping a friend' I have these 1-2-1's because of various disabilities so my wondering is if she's struggling this much and having another student help as much as you are then you should do something about it. Like could she have some undiagnosed difficulty that was never a problem until work at uni which is harder? Even if not it's not fair for you to be helping so much if there is something like this because there's people there for it if needed. If not then you should do less so she does it herself.
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    (Original post by Butterfly92xo)
    I am a second year student and a friend of mine and also another one at university who is doing the same degree course are struggling, to be quite frank! I don't mind helping at all! Last year I used to sit with them both, trying to gather facts and evidence and research articles. This year however, I am up to my eyes in it. I have to do/prepare three essays by January and also type up my notes from lecture and plus: I am working so I haven't really got spare time on my hands.

    Moreover, she asked me if I can sit with her outside of university each week as I need to give her guidance and step each of the way! I mean.. I think she really isn't putting any effort in! I used to always tell her she needs more research in her work, etc. I told her I may be wrong because I just went through the guidance sheet and told her to do the same but she's a bit off with me and she's seen my WhatsApp texts but hasn't replied.

    I feel really bad :/ I am a helping person but the time I spend to help her hours on end could be the time I spend on my own work!

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    i think you need to be firm and say if you are struggling go and see your tutors, i don't have any time to help you. It's not mean at all, its mean of her to expect you to give up your time to sit and guide her.
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    I agree with the other people who are saying to put your foot down. You can't be helping others to the detriment of your own work, it's simply not fair on you! I appreciate it's really hard to do especially when they're your friends but it's not worth sacrificing/compromising your grades for others. Friends come and go mostly, but your grades are on your transcript for life :sadnod: (Take it from someone who's learnt this lesson the hard way! :eek: )
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    Sounds like your friend needs to do some work for herself.
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    I've had help from a friend from GCSE level to uni level. He would make it clear that all he was going to do was explain why if you x, you get y. He was not going to do my work for me. He would also go over my work for me and see where I was going wrong. Usually that would mean explaining things differently to how the book / teacher explained it. I found this was a great help - teachers simply don't have the time to do this.

    It, in the long run, doesn't benefit anyone for you to do her work for her.

    When I used to get help, I would be expected to look at the work first and have at least done something. Rather than look it and just say "I don't get it. Help me please".
 
 
 
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