Selfish or taking care of yourself, where is the limit? Watch

moment of truth
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#1
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This is something that I struggle with quite a lot.

I try to support people as much as I can, but there are times when I am not able to do so. Whether that is because I am busy, not feeling too good myself or whatever, but there have been times where I will still offer support because I don't want to come across as a ****. If someone is struggling and they have come to me for support then I feel really bad if I don't offer them something. If I decided to ignore them, what kind of person does that make me?

A lot is about self care, how do you expect to help others if you aren't in such a good place yourself, but being able to put this across to others in a nice way is pretty impossible (for me anyway). A lot of people will just stop replying to the person and then they will get the message (sometimes), but that is not the way to do it.

Thank you
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DomiNateTricks
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If you have to ignore to sort yourself out for once I don't see the problem! You need to take care of yourself once in a while and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are worried that they will get upset just tell them you have stuff going on right now and that you need a little time to sort yourself out, I'm sure if they're rational they will understand! take care hun :hugs:
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ihatePE
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i tell them straight up that i'm not able to help, the way i see it is that if you got free time, then it would be selfish to not help. however if you have time, enough time to help then help, then you can atleast say you've tried
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Indeterminate
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(Original post by moment of truth)
This is something that I struggle with quite a lot.

I try to support people as much as I can, but there are times when I am not able to do so. Whether that is because I am busy, not feeling too good myself or whatever, but there have been times where I will still offer support because I don't want to come across as a ****. If someone is struggling and they have come to me for support then I feel really bad if I don't offer them something. If I decided to ignore them, what kind of person does that make me?

A lot is about self care, how do you expect to help others if you aren't in such a good place yourself, but being able to put this across to others in a nice way is pretty impossible (for me anyway). A lot of people will just stop replying to the person and then they will get the message (sometimes), but that is not the way to do it.

Thank you
Idk if this sounds weird, but whenever I'm down and I see someone in need of help, I put what's getting me down to the back of my mind and help them as normal. The satisfaction makes me happier and helps me get over the stuff that got me down. Thus I've found that, whenever you help people, you're helping yourself too.

Obviously it's best to be as positive as possible, but the above works on those not-so-good days
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moment of truth
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(Original post by DominiqueNelson)
If you have to ignore to sort yourself out for once I don't see the problem! You need to take care of yourself once in a while and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are worried that they will get upset just tell them you have stuff going on right now and that you need a little time to sort yourself out, I'm sure if they're rational they will understand! take care hun :hugs:
Taking care of yourself is the main priority, of course, but how hard is it to tell the other person that you can't talk right now? Like, at the moment, I have become pretty close to someone from my school as we both went through a similar situation and we used to talk most days and I messaged him last week and he hasn't replied despite being on Whatsapp since which tells me that he doesn't want to talk because of whatever reason, but surely, he could have just told me that he will talk later instead of not saying anything? I really don't understand it.

I care about the guy and I like talking to him, but why should I put so much effort if he can't even tell me that he can't talk or whatever. The main problem is that this has happened before to me and it will probably happen again. The problem must lie with me.

:hugs:
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moment of truth
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(Original post by ihatePE)
i tell them straight up that i'm not able to help, the way i see it is that if you got free time, then it would be selfish to not help. however if you have time, enough time to help then help, then you can atleast say you've tried
I struggle to be straight with people, cause I always think about what they will think or their own situation. It's another thing I need to work on.

(Original post by Indeterminate)
Idk if this sounds weird, but whenever I'm down and I see someone in need of help, I put what's getting me down to the back of my mind and help them as normal. The satisfaction makes me happier and helps me get over the stuff that got me down. Thus I've found that, whenever you help people, you're helping yourself too.

Obviously it's best to be as positive as possible, but the above works on those not-so-good days
I understand this and have experienced it too. It does help talking about something else or supporting others when you are struggling, at times, but there are times when it just isn't possible (in my opinion).
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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(Original post by moment of truth)
This is something that I struggle with quite a lot.

I try to support people as much as I can, but there are times when I am not able to do so. Whether that is because I am busy, not feeling too good myself or whatever, but there have been times where I will still offer support because I don't want to come across as a ****. If someone is struggling and they have come to me for support then I feel really bad if I don't offer them something. If I decided to ignore them, what kind of person does that make me?

A lot is about self care, how do you expect to help others if you aren't in such a good place yourself, but being able to put this across to others in a nice way is pretty impossible (for me anyway). A lot of people will just stop replying to the person and then they will get the message (sometimes), but that is not the way to do it.

Thank you
I think you just have to be quite firm with people, whether it sounds nice to them or not. If there's one thing my breakdown in Oxford and subsequent mental health problems taught me it's that you must ALWAYS ALWAYS put yourself first, no matter how selfish may seem or how big the other person's problems are. You must NEVER put anyone or anything before your own needs :no:

So whether it's a matter of ignoring someone, shutting a conversation down abruptly or saying "I'm really sorry but I can't deal with this right now and need to focus on myself", you've just gotta do what you've gotta do. That way, in long run, you will be able ot provide better help to more people. You can't put others first if you end up burnt out (like me) or (worst case scenario) dead because you have prioritised others for too long

So just say no in future. However it may seem, a good friend (or at least someone worth still talking to) will understand and at least try not to take it to heart :yes: Someone who insists on having your attention and who demands it even if you are not well enough to give it, is possibly toxic and not worth keeping in touch with anyway :nah:
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moment of truth
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
I think you just have to be quite firm with people, whether it sounds nice to them or not. If there's one thing my breakdown in Oxford and subsequent mental health problems taught me it's that you must ALWAYS ALWAYS put yourself first, no matter how selfish may seem or how big the other person's problems are. You must NEVER put anyone or anything before your own needs :no:

So whether it's a matter of ignoring someone, shutting a conversation down abruptly or saying "I'm really sorry but I can't deal with this right now and need to focus on myself", you've just gotta do what you've gotta do. That way, in long run, you will be able ot provide better help to more people. You can't put others first if you end up burnt out (like me) or (worst case scenario) dead because you have prioritised others for too long

So just say no in future. However it may seem, a good friend (or at least someone worth still talking to) will understand and at least try not to take it to heart :yes: Someone who insists on having your attention and who demands it even if you are not well enough to give it, is possibly toxic and not worth keeping in touch with anyway :nah:
I find it hard to be firm. I know it is really important and something I need to do, my own health should definitely come before other people. I still disagree with ignoring others as a result, I always just tell them that I will talk in a few days or whenever. It seems like loads of people are happy with ignoring though.

I agree, definitely. It's something I need to learn. I tend to get too involved with people and then just get hurt because I expect others to think like me, but that isn't the case.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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(Original post by moment of truth)
I find it hard to be firm. I know it is really important and something I need to do, my own health should definitely come before other people. I still disagree with ignoring others as a result, I always just tell them that I will talk in a few days or whenever. It seems like loads of people are happy with ignoring though.

I agree, definitely. It's something I need to learn. I tend to get too involved with people and then just get hurt because I expect others to think like me, but that isn't the case.
Ignoring people is def not nice but sadly, it is sometimes the easiest option. Some people unfortunately do not take well to being replied to but being put second after ur own needs; this is particularly true if someone is in crisis. So mean ad it is, I sometimes take that option :yes:

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