Head boy help

can you guys tell me what you think of this

{teacher}, {teacher}, Distinguished members of the Teaching body and esteemed Students of the {school name} Form. I thank you all for this opportunity to speak before you. My name is {myname}, a member of {class}, aspiring entrepreneur, future visionary but more importantly, your next head boy.

So why should you vote for me? Well originally, I was going to come up here and try and convince you to vote for me because it would be a great thing to show off on my UCAS application, and whilst that is true to an extent, I now realise that to be put in the position of head boy just so I could show it off to potential employers seems all too selfish.

A wise man once said that the function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers. Something, that if voted in, I am certain I would achieve. Year 12, contrary to popular belief I do not see before me the deprived, underprivileged failures of the 11 plus. No instead I see a group of young people with unlimited potential and endless motivation. I see doctors, engineers, actors, scientists but most importantly I see before me a group of leaders. Anthony J Angelo once said 'that you do not have to hold a position to be a leader'
and so I ask what qualities actually make someone a leader?
To me leadership consists not in degrees of technique, but in traits of character; it requires moral rather than athletic or intellectual effort and it imposes on both leader and follower alike the burdens of self-restraint. It is said that anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm, but in the face of adversity true leaders are born.

I speak before you today, not to discredit nor insult my fellow candidates despite looking at them it is ridiculously tempting, instead to challenge you to choose a head boy that can take you from where you are now, to a place where none have been before allowing you to leave a trail for others. You see the quality of a leader is reflected in the standards they set for themselves. With this I must ask, how can I allow myself to become influenced by my peers? If I want to lead the orchestra I must turn my back on the crowd. Always looking forward and never behind, taking with me the dreams and aspirations of those that support a vision that will ultimately be for the betterment of Sixth Form. I must not tip the scale of justice because of influential standing, but weigh the scale because of an inner desire to do what is morally correct.

As your future head boy I am not only required but find it second nature to be your voice speaking up for what is right. Your eyes, seeing past doubt and indecision, homing in on hope and possibility. The ears that reject the murmurs of negativity, yet promote a positive mindset.

Year 12, we know not what tomorrow brings, but be certain it starts with us.

(edited 8 years ago)

cheesy level: 9000

Original post by The Diplomat.

cheesy level: 9000

do you think what would you change?

Reply 3

The Diplomat.

Original post by spud420

do you think what would you change?

best ask a mod or a helper to be honest

Reply 4

spud420

Original post by The Diplomat.

best ask a mod or a helper to be honest

how do i do that

Reply 5

Student403

Original post by spud420

So why should you vote for me? Well originally, I was going to come up here and try and convince you to vote for me because it would be a great thing to show off on my UCAS application, and whilst that is true to an extent, I now realise that to be put in the position of head boy just so I could show it off to potential employers seems all too selfish.

How to get your listeners to tune out and resent you in 5 seconds ^

Do NOT say that lol

Reply 6

The Diplomat.

Original post by spud420

how do i do that

no idea, could pm Gingerbread101. He's the community assistant

Reply 7

spud420

Original post by Student403

How to get your listeners to tune out and resent you in 5 seconds ^

Do NOT say that lol

other than that what else?

Reply 8

spud420

Original post by jamestg

Most of it is rhetoric. No where does it state what you have contributed during previous years of school life. Even if you're at a new school, you still put down stuff you've contributed.

Being head boy isn't just about leadership, most of it is simply ambassadorship. Again you haven't really stated how you would be a good ambassador for the school.

Don't mention about it bulking up your UCAS, it's okay to mention what opportunities it will provide for you though. Such as improvement of leadership skills and delivery of presentations/speeches.

Using a quote is good, but it doesn't really flow if you shove a quote in the middle. Start with a quote and explain how it is personal to you.

Most importantly, you're a role model. How in your academic life have you overcome challenges (genuine challenges, not petty ones)?

It is really well written, but honestly I'd start from scratch again. It's not bad but it could be a lot better IMO.

lol ok

Reply 9

Student403

Original post by spud420

other than that what else?

Well here's a general rule. Things look better on paper. Your sentences are actually very long.

Reply 10

jamestg

Original post by spud420

lol ok

I'm just trying to help! Don't take it as criticism, take it as assistance so you stand a chance!

Reply 11

Vicky628

It's all a bit airy, say exactly what you would do and what you have done. Sounds a bit pompous to me, but obviously I'm seeing words on paper, and I don't know you :colondollar:

Get rid of the "I'm only doing this for ucas" bit, and also perhaps edit the post to disguise all your personal details.

Good luck :h:

Reply 12

spud420

Original post by Vicky628

It's all a bit airy, say exactly what you would do and what you have done. Sounds a bit pompous to me, but obviously I'm seeing words on paper, and I don't know you :colondollar:

Get rid of the "I'm only doing this for ucas" bit, and also perhaps edit the post to disguise all your personal details.

Good luck :h:

the 'im only doing this for ucas' was for humour

Reply 13

jamestg

Original post by spud420

the 'im only doing this for ucas' was for humour

Probably best if you use humour in the interview for head boy, and not the application lol

Reply 14

Vicky628

Original post by spud420

the 'im only doing this for ucas' was for humour

It's still not going to win you any favours

Reply 15

spud420

Original post by jamestg

Probably best if you use humour in the interview for head boy, and not the application lol

aha theres no interview and its a speech

Reply 16

TrojanH

****ing hell pal chill on the cringe. im headboy and its just about representing yourself professionally (when needed) and just not being weird. You either succeed, or you don't, no need for to stress/worry over it.

Reply 17

spud420

Original post by jamestg

I'm just trying to help! Don't take it as criticism, take it as assistance so you stand a chance!

nah dw i get you

Reply 18

spud420

Original post by TrojanH

aha ok thanks I wish someone had said this sooner

Reply 19

Grewsters

Original post by spud420

aha theres no interview and its a speech

Being in the same situation (and succeeding) my advice would be to think in the audiences shoes. In my school, the students voted for the next head Boy/Girl. This advice may not be relevant to you if your system is different but anyway.

You don't want to hear someone talk about their own qualities for a long time. Talk about the audience, that you recognise them as individuals all with different needs. tell them what they want to hear, oversell it, tell a few white lies. eg. "I've been thinking about organising the instalment an air printer for the library".
Make sure it's relaxed, funny but not cheesy and keep it snappy. Instead of writing a script, make flashcards with topics that you want to address and maybe save a small section at the end for your personal qualities. Ultimately all the candidates that apply will be reeling off the same generic qualities and so focus on something that makes you different.
Your speech, although really well written and thought out, hasn't really been tailored to the situation you'll be in. (stood in front of many oblivious and short attention spanned teens)