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I don't know what to do anymore in terms of uni, work etc due to GAD, panics and OCD watch

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    I've been debating for a while whether or not to post thing as I haven't spoken to my family or friends for advice yet as I am a bit ashamed, confused and mostly just tired and can't be bothered explaining it over and over and even more likely, can't deal with what their reactions might be.

    So a bit of background even though most of you will know me inside out by now - had GAD, panic attacks and agoraphobia for about 3 years now and was housebound from it for a few months and OCD I've had my whole life but this year has been the worst its ever been, especially the last few months. I've lost weight from not eating because of it and I'm catching every bug under the sun because I am so run down most of the time from lack of proper meals and I get barely any sleep plus I am always tense and worried about something.About 3 weeks ago, I took what I would call a breakdown. I couldn't cope. I was screaming at my bf to take me to the local hospital because I just couldn't cope with the anxiety, panics and OCD any longer. I hadn't slept at all for 3 days at that point, I couldn't eat for my OCD fears and also my stepgran was dying so I had a lot on my plate. I called NHS24 claiming I was having a nervous breakdown out of utter desperation because my bf wouldn't drive me up. Thankfully they were very understanding and assured me it was most likely just stress because of everything that happened and urged me to get a docs appointment for the next day.

    So I went to the GP the next day and it was a new doctor I saw and she was lovely, the first understanding doctor I've met in regards to OCD. She really listened and saw it for what it is, a debilitating illness. She sent off an urgent referral to the psychologist for me. She offered me meds but I can't even take ibuprofen at the mo even in extreme pain due to my OCD contamination fears so we agreed to deal with all my anxiety problems with therapy and self help.So a few weeks on, I am a bit better in some regards. I am eating one meal a day now at least but its still hard work and my OCD is still through the roof and my panics and overall anxiety hasn't lessened much. I keep getting this overwhelming thought/feeling that I am going to die soon. I don't mean that I'll kill myself, nothing like that, but I just feel like my body wont put up with this constant state of anxiety and tension for much longer and it'll just explode or collapse if you know what I mean? I have a constant feeling of dread in my gut, aches and pains everywhere, no appetite, diarrhea, dizziness, nausea, headache etc. I've noticed I feel worse at night time and as soon as it gets dark now as well.

    So I'm at uni. I'm doing my degree with OU as I left college years ago when my panics started and didn't want to give up my education entirely. I had to defer uni twice in the past, once because of a death in the family and then because my mental health was bad (this time around is worse though) so was told this year would be my final chance to study the degree and if I deferred again without passing/completing my current modules, I wouldn't be able to study with OU again so there has been added pressure on my this year. I had an assignment due in when I was at my worst a few weeks ago and I didn't submit it and I am falling further and further behind every day. My heart isn't in it which really upsets me because I love science and I was so excited to finally get back to my degree this year. I am studying biology and my goal was to work in virology but I don't see any way I could do that with my OCD as my OCD is mainly contamination fears.

    I haven't spoken to my lecturers which I know is wrong, I haven't even spoke my to partner or family as I feel like a failure when there are plenty of other people out there with all sorts of illnesses who can still hold down a job or go to uni.I told my doctor yesterday (the same one I went to at the start of the post) that I was thinking of quitting uni altogether and that if I did, I wouldn't have another chance and she didn't bat an eyelid. She didn't seem to find it a big deal. I also told her I have giving up on my interests such as gaming, socialising etc and she didn't really say anything to that either. She felt like a different doctor to last time. I told her I have zero income at the mo, we are living off of my partner's student loan which is just £300 a month and I told her I don't know if I am ok to work and should apply for JSA or claim ESA and she said she didn't know either. I felt totally deflated after that appointment after she was so brilliant the first time.

    Suppose I am just looking for advice on whats best to do for everything - getting over this breakdown, what to do about uni and work and in general, how to just be me again. I don't know if I am depressed or just stressed out from everything that has happened lately.
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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
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    Heya
    Sorry to hear things aren't too well at the moment.
    Do you do things generally to manage your symptoms? coping strategies, medication, counselling.
    With your life at the moment - I would talk to the people that are important to you and explain. If you have a uni tutor I would give them an idea, and they may be able to better support you in your degree.
    Not sure I can say anything about your choices, as it seems like how you are feeling are influencing them quite substantially and things are 'easier said than done'. But I would try and keep up your education and hobbies as much as you can.
    Not sure about financial support stuff, sorry!
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    (Original post by hellodave5)
    Heya
    Sorry to hear things aren't too well at the moment.
    Do you do things generally to manage your symptoms? coping strategies, medication, counselling.
    With your life at the moment - I would talk to the people that are important to you and explain. If you have a uni tutor I would give them an idea, and they may be able to better support you in your degree.
    Not sure I can say anything about your choices, as it seems like how you are feeling are influencing them quite substantially and things are 'easier said than done'. But I would try and keep up your education and hobbies as much as you can.
    Not sure about financial support stuff, sorry!
    Hi thanks for the reply I don't take meds for any of my MH problems but to deal with them I exercise, relax by going for a bath, play games, listen to music etc and usually they work well but lately they have been having little to no effect. I'm currently on the urgent waiting list for therapy for OCD mainly. I think it'll be CBT I'll get or something along those lines.

    I've emailed my lecturers explaining the situation and hopefully I hear back from them in the next day or two.

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    Today has been pretty hard so far. I got little sleep last night and woke up with a killer headache. It started at my neck and went all the way to my forehead. I think I slept on it funny because my neck and back were agony to touch. Thankfully its gone now but my anxiety was sky high with that thinking "oh what if its meningitis" and crap like that which I knew was silly and then my boyfriend is at college all day so I felt quite lonely and then my mum and stepdad came up to help decorate the spare room in my flat. Don't get me wrong, I love my stepdad to bits but see when I feel anxious or panicky, he's the last person I want to be around. I dunno why. Maybe its because I've panicked so much around my mum and partner that thru have seen me at my worst so I'm no longer embarrassed to have one around them. So I've been in a constant state of holding in how I feel while they are here. I've just said I'm on my period just in case I do come across as moody or quiet. Boyfriend will be back in about 2 hours thankfully.

    I have barely eaten either since I woke up with a dodgy stomach but that seems to be the norm these days. I've had a sandwich and a biscuit but I'll need to try and eat more especially since I'll be helping with the room. Hoping all the scrapping and painting later will tire me out for bed later!

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Hi thanks for the reply I don't take meds for any of my MH problems but to deal with them I exercise, relax by going for a bath, play games, listen to music etc and usually they work well but lately they have been having little to no effect. I'm currently on the urgent waiting list for therapy for OCD mainly. I think it'll be CBT I'll get or something along those lines.

    I've emailed my lecturers explaining the situation and hopefully I hear back from them in the next day or two.

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    Would you not like to try meds, even for a short(ish) time? Exercise is a great way to go though
    Hope they get back to you in good time!
    May be possible to reduce OCD symptoms by improving certain mechanisms through training, though not sure - psychologist stuff I have no idea about.

    What music and games do you like usually?
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    (Original post by hellodave5)
    Would you not like to try meds, even for a short(ish) time? Exercise is a great way to go though
    Hope they get back to you in good time!
    May be possible to reduce OCD symptoms by improving certain mechanisms through training, though not sure - psychologist stuff I have no idea about.

    What music and games do you like usually?
    I have tried meds in the past and they made me feel suicidal which is something I had never felt before, even at my worst so the doctor and me agreed that self help and therapy would be the best course for me.

    Music wise I mainly listen to a lot of older music like The Smiths, Joy Division, New Order etc and game wise Skyrim is my all time fave game big shout out to Command and Conquer, Witcher and UT2004. I'm playing some Skyrim at the mo. I find it really relaxing, especially with the music in it too.

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    I have tried meds in the past and they made me feel suicidal which is something I had never felt before, even at my worst so the doctor and me agreed that self help and therapy would be the best course for me.

    Music wise I mainly listen to a lot of older music like The Smiths, Joy Division, New Order etc and game wise Skyrim is my all time fave game big shout out to Command and Conquer, Witcher and UT2004. I'm playing some Skyrim at the mo. I find it really relaxing, especially with the music in it too.

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    Sorry to hear!

    Ah, I like The Smiths. I haven't heard much of JD or NO.
    I used to love Oblivion as a kid, though I never played Skyrim. I avoided it cause I thought it would take too much time, as the old one did, but then I ended up playing Dark Souls and sunk all my time into that.
    The Witcher is supposed to be amazing, tempted to invest :P
    Loved C&C, played loads of the Tiberium Wars one vs the PC!
    You like games like Portal? Really loved that one. Kind of relaxing and frustrating at the same time!
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    I've played Portal once but I couldn't get into it though I did play it when I had the start of a migraine coming on so I wasn't really in the mood for games in general that day, especially ones that require you to think




    Still haven't heard back from my lecturers yet. I am keen on staying at uni because even though my main goal was to study viruses, I could also use a biology degree to work with animals and you all know I am a big animal lover. I maybe could still work with viruses or maybe even teach microbiology if I got my OCD and anxiety under control which hopefully I should. I wont be graduating for a very long time anyway, about another 4 yrs.Money wise I don't know which benefit to apply for. I might try talking to a benefits advisor or citizens advice or something like that because we can't live off of the £300 we get a month from my partner's student loan and its selfish of me to just live off of that and not bring anything to the table myself.I managed to get some sleep last night, just about six hours but the night before I was lucky if I got an hour. My OCD was through the roof last night. I took an ibuprofen since my bad headache came back and there was no way I could sleep with it so gave in and finally took something. The tablet worked but all I could think were things like "its laced with this that and the other", "it could be comtaminated" and I sat there for about 2 hours in my panicked state only for nothing to happen...as always. OCD never learns, or at least that is how it feels.
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    I am in a similar situation to you, have depression, anxiety and aspergers and dyspraxia and keep getting infected with tonsiliitis it's os hard isn't it.. As it's having such a bad affect on you have you looked into PIP? you would have an assessment most likely for it but if you are awarded it you can still study and get the benefits to help you? Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat (also love your avatar rewatching Soul Eater :3 )
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    (Original post by Samwin)
    I am in a similar situation to you, have depression, anxiety and aspergers and dyspraxia and keep getting infected with tonsiliitis it's os hard isn't it.. As it's having such a bad affect on you have you looked into PIP? you would have an assessment most likely for it but if you are awarded it you can still study and get the benefits to help you? Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat (also love your avatar rewatching Soul Eater :3 )
    I don't think I would get PIP as when I mentioned benefits to the GP last time I went, she didn't even think of giving me a sick line for ESA. Thanks for your reply sorry to hear you're in a similar situation too.

    ---

    So yesterday my stepdad took a mini stroke and thankfully after tests at the hospital, he was discharged last night. I'm very relieved at that. My stress was through the roof yesterday as you can imagine and I didn't sleep well the night before which didn't help. I only got about 4 hours sleep last night despite being absolutely exhausted as I was running here and there yesterday. I went to bed at 7pm last night and I didn't fall asleep until 1am. I tossed and turned all night and then ended up just watching TV shows on my phone. I was too hot and itchy then I was anxious then I was restless. Just one of those nights I suppose.

    My boyfriend is at college today until 1pm so I am alone atm and that's making me a little extra anxious but I'll just have to grin and bear it. This Hurricane Abigail isn't helping. Thankfully where I am in Scotland isn't as bad as the Hebrides but its still pretty bad and it makes me feel trapped in my flat when the weather is like this.

    One good thing that happened yesterday - even though I was so stressed and when I am stressed usually I don't eat at all, I managed to eat 3 full meals during the day of the first time in months. For ages I have been living off of one meal a day due to OCD but yesterday I ate fine and tbh, enjoyed every mouthful!
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    I had something quite similar to you - severe agoraphobia for years, panic attacks multiple times a day, ridiculous rituals and emetophobia on top of that. I just wanted to share what I did in order to get to where I am today:

    Went to the NHS desperate to deal with my phobia, they arranged exposure therapy for me which was extremely hard for me to even get to every week, but amazingly it wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be and it. actually. worked. I was at the point where I couldn't read the word 'sick' or anything online without spiralling and every tiny change in my body was a symptom. Let alone eating. In like six sessions everything was different and I no longer panicked every bloody second of every day.

    But I was still panicking every day, so finally after months I went back to my GP and asked for medication. In fact, my mum actually asked. I was sat there but I was so petrified that I couldn't speak or look at the doctor and could only communicate via a notebook. They prescribed me Citalopram - just 10mg of it, because I was so afraid of the side effect that it might make me ill while I adjusted to it. Which was a baseless fear, because it completely changed my life. Later on, about six or so months later, I upped it to 20mg of my own accord (and doctor's agreement) because it wasn't quite giving me the same baseline it had at the start, but my god. Medication is a miracle, my friend. I went from not being able to leave my bed or eat anything to owning two lovely dogs that I walk and making my own meals every day. I won't lie that it's not hard, but it's so, so, SO, so much better than the place I was in a few years ago.

    Trust me. If there was one fix, it was that. I would definitely recommend exposure therapy for your pill fears, btw.

    Lastly, I started private therapy. I understand that this is something that not everyone can afford (we can't anymore lol) but I was there for about 2 years and it really helped me deal with a lot of the stuff in my past that has caused this kind of a reaction in me. It was just a relief to be able to talk about whatever was causing me anxiety that day/week with someone that had nothing to do with it, you know? Even though at the beginning I struggled with opening up.

    When I was in your position, no one seemed to have any answers. I couldn't find ANYONE who had "recovered" from where I was. I just wanted to make this post to show you that you can recover. Fact. And that there are many different routes you can take in order to get yourself there. I would rec all three tbh.

    Feel free to ask me more about the exposure therapy. It sounds like the worst thing imaginable, I know, but I can explain how they do things and trust me, it's not the kind of hell you probably imagine.
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    Its CBT and exposure therapy I'm getting. I'm eager to get fully started and hopefully find some peace soon. I'm keen to get over my pill fear soon, not to take pills for my anxiety issues as I want to deal with that logically instead, but so I can take painkillers again if I ever need them or antibiotics if I ever need them because it could be a matter of life or death sometime and I might not take the damn medicine if I'm still in this situation.

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    ik this is really irrelevant i wish you all the best Spock's Socks but why does it say the OP was made in 1970? was TSR around then?
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    (Original post by CoolCavy)
    ik this is really irrelevant i wish you all the best Spock's Socks but why does it say the OP was made in 1970? was TSR around then?
    Thanks dunno why it says that! I've noticed that on a lot of threads. Must be a glitch

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    Quite proud of myself today. I woke up feeling hungover, I only had 3 JDs and cokes last night at my mum's but that was enough to leave me feeling crappy today but I decided to pull my finger out my arse and got some of my assignment that's due in on Thursday done. I got 2 questions done and the last one I'm going to do tomorrow. I have a rough idea on what I am doing for it so I should get it done in about an hour. I was going to get it all done today but I could feel the tension mounting, my heart beating quickly, stomach churning and nausea etc as I pushed myself harder and harder and then I realised I had done enough for today and can do the last question tonight or tomorrow.
    Quite proud of myself for pushing myself as I was so close to just saying ****it and quitting uni altogether. I regret leaving it to the last minute but proud none the less
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    Finished and submitting my assessment this morning before 10am. Quite chuffed that I managed to push myself on and not throw in the towel. Now cue the huge sigh of relief...until the results come back anyway! My OCD has been OK lately, flares ups here and there but its been mainly my panic attacks for the first time in a wee while that have been the number one problem.
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    Hi, sorry to hear about your condition, dont think your alone theres a lot of people that go through your condition, try to speak to your parents they love you and care for you, im pretty sure theyll help you, and take your meds like u say and talk to your doctor
 
 
 
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