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It came to a head and will again - could it get anymore complicated? LONG

This is a long and complicated problem, but I will try to keep it simple. I've also rushed this so there may be some errors in my typing. I made a thread before on here, but a long time ago, about me and a girl but I can't find it so I'm making it again and covering what I said before, here, and all the new stuff. Shame about the extra typing, lol.

Me and this girl are close mates, she drops lots of hints and seems to like me. I don't need to ask "does she like me?" because I've asked so many people and the answer is yes. I told her I like her because I did and genuinely felt I had a chance. If I felt I didn't have a chance then I'd have told her mate (whom I know) and let him tell her rather than being all formal about it and meeting her.

Anyway, we're talking on the net one day and I drop some signs of affection, and she says what I'm doing for valentines day I said nothing she said nothing
going to spend it with family I ask her if she has a boyfriend to be direct she says no - good sign, and she aint spending the day with a boy. Convo goes on, I said out of honesty that I have girl issues amonst uni problems and stuff straight away she doesn't ask about the family or uni issues but asks which girl problems and really is persistant This was at 2am. I go offline as I didn't want this conversation on the internet and I didn't imagine her to be so persistant. My girl mates bar one don't care about my problems and nor do a lot of my mates. Only my closest mates care. Her persistance made me think she wanted me to say its her to put her mind at rest that it's not anyone else. When I txt her about something, she tells me I still have to tell her. Most mates of mine (girl mates) don't even care about these problems, but she's really pushing me on the other hand. I told her I have girl issues so that during the week she would ask me and I'd tell her I like her - so I get the ball rolling now and do something around the 14th - no going back and all that. I wanted to, but failed, in meeting her that week as she was not in uni when I was in (bunked a day off - I was unlucky).

Tuesday I looked all over uni for her I got home and she told me she weren't in uni etc etc as soon as I got online, and she told me to explain my girl problems. I was trying to avoid her on MSN but I couldn't and she asked me what I didn't want her to ask - my girl issues. I was really secretive as I wanted this conversation in person (hence why I was looking for her in person), as everyone says msn is not the place. Anyway I started off by saying that I don't chat to other girls much apart from her and maybe one other she said "aww have you not found the one yet its valentines 2mz ". Anyway, I told her there is a girl I like and she nudged me and said there is someone I like in uni too (I didn't say someone in uni). Again I didn't ask who as I felt I should ask in person. More hints were dropped, like "I am in uni 2mz if u r! ". I didn't ask her out on MSN because again I felt I should ask her in person but I regret this now because this could have been a factor in the bad way things are right now. Does it really matter if I ask her on MSN? I did before she said yes no problems there, but on MSN she can't hear my voice and thus see my intentions. On this day she wasn't in she told me so I was unlucky.

Then the next day came as I couldn't really see her in person I just told her on msn it's her I like to end the pressure and stress and get my focus back for
the purpose of my work. I know this shouldn't be done on MSN but I felt I had little options. She was busy on Wednesday meeting family and I didn't like the
idea of telling her to come to uni just for me. I'm not used to telling people what to do just for me, so I didn't tell her. If she likes someone in uni, why aren't they going out on V.day or why did she say she doesn't have a bf? Although going out doesn't = bf. When I told her, I said I have to explain don't
hate me etc and she said "..." which was probably in response to the explaining bit, after I said I like her. So she read the msg, right. She went offline a few minutes later without warning and txtd me saying "Hey got dc sorry be on in a bit!". First time she said that. So I saw her that evening online and she msgd me again as usual I said I need to speak to you she said wat I said the thing I said before, she said she didn't read the msg, right? She replied to it?! Then I pasted the bit about me liking her, she said how u mean same way (as in I said do you like me in the same way?). She said well I like you as a mate...your nice guy I said I'm confused about relationships in general she said ok what do I say what you so confused with and said your nice guy I like you as a mate (wierd how she repeated the same sentence but re-arranged it). To make things even stranger, she said can we please not talk about this rite now and I said whenever you want then she said thanks then told me she has to go to eat a few minutes later.

Since then she has been acting normal as if nothing has happened she still msgs me just as often except now she actually says bye before she leaves. Even wierder, she actually copies some of the phrases I say and it really is noticeable. She also uses a lot of smile emoticons on MSN which gets kinda wierd. She asks if I'm in uni as if she wants to meet me (that'll be interesting...). She tells me everything like she asks me for restaurant recommendations I give some she says she's going out with mates (of course, as I've stuffed things up I haven't been invited and she'd probably discuss me with her mates - except she won't big me up to her mates like she did before). She tells me she found a restaurant and tries to put me off by talking about her expensive tastes and buying habits, and how she hates getting ready to go out (make up, shower etc). Is she trying to put me off? She also asks me if I go to bars/restaurants much. But to really top if off, when I ask her what restaurant she chose, which I deserve to ask as she's been talking to me about the bloody thing for an hour or two, she says "ermm I can't tell you you might end up there lol sorry " WTF is up with that?! I'm honest with her and this is what I get!?

A few weeks ago, she msgd me (whilst I was set to away) but I didn't reply as I got back on my PC late and I didn't notice her msg till I saw my logs the
next day. Then she asked me if I am cross with her. I thought to myself, I tell her I like her, I get nothing but headaches and no explanation. I act like a mate, but that's just avoiding the issue, I bring up the subject but it gets changed (and thats when I battle with the awkward feelings), I don't say anything (as my mates say I should ignore her), and she thinks I am cross with her. Perhaps, however, I am. Why should I be happy? So whatever I do, I have some sort of problem. I decided to ignore her msgs and I didn't answer her question as I didn't have an answer. I went offline. The next day she asked me for help but I didn't reply. A few days later, she txtd me about work stuff and I didn't bite and reply. On MSN she said are you still my mate you seem off with me or perhaps it's because I haven't given you an answer yet (wasn't her answer she sees me as a mate? Yet she likes someone in uni?), and she said give me time and we'll talk about it. Why does she need so much time? To top it off, if she really doesn't like me, then why is it that when she saw me walking with another girl (a mate, not even very close or anything), she asks me on MSN the next day (first time I was on the net and she was at the same time since), "oi oi who was that girl you were with". If she's asking out of kindness she would have been more mannered than to say oi. Instead I have the idea she is jealous I am talking to another girl than her and makes me think there is a chance. If we're not going to be together, I'll do what I want! It's none of her business who I hang around with if we're just "mates". Me and this other girl are not even close, all we were doing was talking. That hardly means anything... Whereas I like her, but I don't do anything really really obvious until I actually tell her (which I regret...). So maybe she liked me but didn't do any obvious about it.

WTF is going on?

I hear the usual "she's a user" theory, which makes her no different to past girls I've liked and managed to survive from. I hear the theory that she is an
attention whore and she knew I liked her so she knew I would give her attention. This doesn't make sense because even though I like her for sure (given how shy I am around her right now, the confusion about wether I like her is over), she always msgs me. I txt her to say good luck with an exam and I only help her with work because this is when we have a proper conversation that goes on for hours (but towards the time I told her I like her, we started having conversations that went on for hours and work was briefly mentioned but I didn't have to help her, which was good). Usually the attention is from her to me.

Also, it can't be easy for her to know I like her as I didn't really do or say anything strong to indicate that (ok maybe I did say one or two things that
insinuated that), but it would still have been difficult to tell. She asks who a girl I'm walking with is, and it reminds me of my mate and his girl mate.

This mate gets a new girlfriend, and his girl mate asks him "who is she?!" and they have a face-to-face argument and split their friendship because of this (but they became mates after). In this case of my mate, what is it to her? I read a thread on here a while back about a guy on here and a girl he liked who was confused and said give me time and I'll see if we can be together. I feel I may have the same scenario here, and if so, I will wait as long as it takes as I have nothing else going on in my life (ok I have my degree etc but I can handle all this with ease, I'm well ahead). I like her and this is a test of how much I like her. If I didn't like her, I wouldn't choose to wait. There's no other girls I care about (and I know loads, and only 1 or 2 are decent people). I think she likes me but is confused hence the "I think I fancy someone in uni" and the "give me time and we'll talk about it" comments. What's with the "I think" uncertainty and the need for time? This does indicate that things really are 50/50. At least this time round I MAY be getting a consideration.

One minute she drops hints left right and centre, and when I do what I have to do (being motivated by her hints), she says she sees me as a mate. I end up looking completely stupid. Don't even say I can move on because I am still waiting for an explanation from her and she obviously doesn't care about what I have to say. And don't say I know where I stand either. If I could move on or knew where I stood (need the latter for the former) then I won't be asking on here about this. Rather than trying to get these answers from here, I should be getting them from her but I am not thus I feel telling her how I feel was completely stupid and the wrong thing to do - and if it's the wrong thing to do, then there is nothing I can do! I thought telling her was the right thing to do and everyone told me I should tell her (we've been out alone and with mates but as it takes effort to act normal and enjoy myself when I'm with her I don't ask what the state of play is), but then when I told her everyone says I did the wrong thing and scared her. It's not "too little too late" but "too much too early". Everyone I asked - girls included - said she definately likes me, and then those same people say I misread her signals! I read them perfectly, she probably just gave the wrong ones...

Reply 1

dh00001

ok after that read i am feeling confused and disorientated. :s-smilie:

to me sounds like she enjoys having someone chase her. try again or leave it to her and concentrate on her as a friend. only you really know if its going to keep happening or if it will ever change.
i think anyway :s-smilie:

i need a lie down :p:

hope you can sort :smile:

Reply 2

username47781

I didn't read all of it but it seems she likes playing hard to get as dh said.

Reply 3

MeepMeep09

Thats quite a problem you've got there. Tell me, have you brought up the issue with her again?

Apologies if you said that already.

I have to go here so i thought I'd edit this. I'd suggest that you ask her again only to her face and wait for an answer. If she ignores you or tries to avoid the question you should maybe try to explain that you just want an answer and it doesn't matter which it is. It's possible that she doesn't want to turn you down for fear of ruining your friendship? If she's using you then at least you'll know and you can move on. Beyond that I don't know what you should do.

Good Luck!

Reply 4

Misogynist

I think she's very confused and attention seeking. She wants you but she thinks she can do better. So your friends are right when they say 'She's a user.'

I can't really give you any hard advice on this because the situation is, as stated, quite long winded and confusing. From how and what she's saying, I could clearly deduce that she liked you, but that doesn't go at all with her saying she likes you 'As a mate.' Neither does her getting jealous when she sees you with another girl and asking you about it.

It's HER problem, not yours. She just can't make up her mind and is too indecisive. I think playing hard to get would be extremely effective in this case as she is trying to speak to you when you ignore her. She's definitely thinking about you quite alot so It'll be like a hammer to the face.

I don't know whether you're BENT on getting her, or whether you just saw an opening for a relationship and you wanted to take it. If you WANT her, Then:

- Play hard to get, Tease her (Friendly), -Be slightly.. bad, Be unpredictable.

Since she's CONFUSED right now, That'll push her to the distance where she sees you as more than a 'mate.' (Which is happening now.)

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Playing hard to get won't put me off. Ok it seems childish which I always hate, but I like her so much that I can/will wait and do all it takes - until she says she doesn't like me with a good reason. This playing hard to get is all just a test of how much I like her. I like her to such an extent that I don't care about her negatives. So yea I guess I am bent on getting her. If I want something, I won't give up too easily.

I've never brought up the issue with her again because I've never got anything sorted in my head (i.e. where exactly I stand), and because of this, I've never been prepared of what to say. So if I bring the subject up and she doesn't change it then I will get lost for words quite quickly. Also I may make myself look stupid by saying something like "you gave signals" and then she says she didn't and I look stupid. I don't want to get into that with her. Of course, girls can and do flirt as much as they want and us boys look stupid when we think it means something...

Playing hard to get is effective because I didn't reply to some of her txts/msgs/phonecalls for a period of two days and straight away she noticed and said the "give me time about you liking me and we'll talk about the situation" etc.

P.S. we haven't spoken for a week now since I didn't answer her phonecall at 1am, lol (was/is shy).

Bump.

Don't make the mistake of not talking to her for ages because you're shy. I did the same thing once and I ended not talking to her for a month. It's relationship procrastination.

Reply 8

*Katie*

Erm....can I get the Footnotes version of that?

Reply 9

devils_nose

You said you like her - she said she likes you as a mate.. I think she is now dallying trying to find a nice way to let you down and keep you friendly. Don't think its going to happen. Sorry.

Reply 10

khil

First and foremost, please use punctuation properly :s-smilie:

This is not me trying to sound harsh and have an over-attention to detail - it's simply for your lack of commas I've found it incredibly difficult to understand what on earth you're on about! And got really confused about the girl's response.

Anyway, from what I can deduce (afraid I stopped reading towards the end), she sounds like she doesn't know if she likes you. Either 1) she likes the attention and wants you to stay hung up on her while she's not gonna return your affection, or 2) she's genuinely confused, or 3) she's messing with you cus she liks mind games. The first 2 reasons seem most likely.

And to be honest, you should probably have just out and told her as opposed to "oh I have girl problems" - cus if a guy did that to me, I would've guessed soon enough who the girl was and I would've simply got terribly annoyed with the guy cus to me, he would be acting very annoying presently.

Anyway, she doesn't sound like she's worth your time - just leave her be. Ignoring her is not a way out considering you still want her as a friend - ignoring her will make problems worse. Just be honest, tell her how you feel, how you feel like she's playing you around and you demand an answer, even if her answer is "No" or "I don't know" but you NEED an answer. I think both of you are acting rather immaturely but the girl is more at fault for messing with you. Either leave her and forget about her, or demand an answer from her so that you can move on if she's not interested. She can't leave you hanging like this. And ignoring her will not give you an answer.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

If she doesn't like me then I take it she likes someone else (well she said she likes someone...). That really hurts if that is the case :frown:

I'd solve all of this by myself but of course despite having a laidback attitude in the past, and analysing everything in this situation, neither attitudes results in anything. Instead I worry about the situation even though everyone says I'm sorted (including people on here in a past thread or 2) and I don't get anything or anywhere. And they wonder why I worry so much... :rolleyes:

If there was a cliff notes version don't you think I would have posted that? Every detail counts so every detail will be typed. :rolleyes:

Don't just look at the post and make some smart, pointless and unhelpful reply. Maybe if this girl didn't have to be how she is being then any post I make/made would be a lot shorter.

Would it be a bad idea if I txtd her and said something like next time you're on msn or I see you in person, whichever comes first, we'll talk about as you wanted us to meet up. It's unlikely we will see each other in uni etc etc but I'm not on msn much anymore as I have to revise. Or would this make things worse (if they could get any worse)? If I did what everyone recommended me to do (tell her) and it's given me nothing but more problems, I certainly need outside advice as this is not like any other situation really...

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

I sent her a txt saying next time you're on msn we'll talk about "us" (which probably did scare her), and even though I saw her on, she didn't say anything. I decided to send her an email explaining why I did the things I did and say the things I said (justify myself). In the email, I also said some sweet, affectionate things. The day I sent the email I txtd her saying she should read it (I didn't tell her). She came online said hey as usual, and said she read my email and her screen name (confuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssed) is in relation to my email. She also said so much reading never done it before and then she nudged me, I didn't see this message till late when she was offline. I txtd her to come back but she didn't. Anyway next day I told her I was revising she said np I got your txt in the morning I went to bed. I then said a few things like I didn't mean to hurt you, I need the closure, if I'm confused then what I will say will confuse you, etc. Some of this was fairly deep and when I said it she left. I said come back but she didn't. I saw her on the next day she msgd me we spoke about revision etc. At night she told me she wanted to quit uni and do something else, she said I'm going to bed now xxx etc. Despite all that I've said she acts the same - all the usual x's, everything! It's like I can throw anything at this friendship and we're still mates! But that's because she avoids the real issue. Since then, she had the confused thing in her name for 4-5 days. She always has to msg me on msn, and tell me everything! It's like I'm a magnet to her and it's getting annoying and a bit "suspicious" if we're just mates! What's with the confusion? If she didn't like me she wouldn't be confused!

Reply 13

rosetinted

OK I got most of the way through that first post and others, but skim read due to the crappy punctuation making my brain ache.

It doesn't sound like she's interested. If she was, then she would have acted when you told her you liked her. All this game playing that both of you are doing seems pretty daft to me. I'd agree with your mates who said she is messing you about. Sounds like she likes stringing you along because she enjoys the attention, but has no intention of getting involved with you.

I know a few (very irritating) girls like this, who will flirt, tease and joke as if they are interested...and then snatch themselves away when a guy falls for them. Look for someone better.

Reply 14

~~hannah~~

Ok cliff notes version is: he likes a girl that he thought liked him, so he told her (via msn) and she said she liked him as a mate. She later said she needs to think about it. And he is confused as to where he stands but still really likes her.

Ok good. Right, this might sound a little harsh, but this happens to alot of people at some point and reading into every little thing she says or does is a bit over the top. Maybe you seem a little too obsessive and she's worried about that. Say to her, you've had enough of this limbo of not knowing and you want to know once and for all if she has any feelings for you further than friendship? If she fobs you off with youre a nice guy and a great mate again. Then you're just going to have to realise that she's not into you. She shouldnt necessarily have to give a 'good reason' as you said, do you want to hear that you're not attractive/boring/obsessive or whatever the things might be. She might just say I only see you as a friend and you will have to deal with that.

Reply 15

-Blade-

Since when do girls act on their feelings? The boy does all the work - well all the major stuff. The only thing girls do is give signs, invite you out to places - with mates, not alone (well this girl didn't have a problem doing alone stuff with me but I never asked what the intention is/was because that is like comitting suicide). If a girl likes a boy, she will drop all the usual signs and if the boy doesn't act the girl will just distance herself. No such distance here though. If I was a millionaire, then the girl would probably act on her feelings! The problem is, it's so hard to tell what the girl IS feeling, so we can't say "she should act on her feelings". In all of my mates experiences (which are never like this), they all said the girl liked them (hence they're together), but the girl didn't "act".

My mates have told me plenty of stories, and girls themselves, of how they would say I see you as a mate when they really do like you but are just scared or still slightly confused. The problem is, I did what I did over the net (yea I know...), and I was way too up-front. I lacked sensitivity.

The problem is, since I have told her I like her, I cut right down on the attention! So there is no attention for her to enjoy! Before I told her, I admit I did give her a lot of attention, which is sort of natural and I'd rather give attention than be shy, but since I told her, the attention stopped. If I hadn't told her to this point, I would think I have it all to play for and I would be sending her txts asking her about her exam revision - which I haven't done.

The tables have turned. Rather than me asking her how her exam revision is going (and it is obvious when a boy likes a girl and not vice versa when the boy is always constantly asking the girl "How was your exam??" "How are you?" "What did you get up to today??" Etc - this girl is like this towards me).
Rather than me asking her how her exams go or whatever, she tells me everything herself anyway - even after I told her I like her. Events can be divided into two areas - before I told her I like her, and after - there really is no difference anyway as she acts the same.

I hardly doubt a problem this complex and drawn out is common.

I am not obsessive at all. I'm not the one asking "oi oi who's that gal", or "are you angry with me?" just because I didn't reply to one msg - and I was on away. and nor am I the one being msgd everytime I am on msn. In March she msgd me everytime she was on msn. I never msgd her back unless it was because she msgd me earlier in the day.

I'm also not the one who gts msgd straight away on msn just because I wasn't online during the day, which makes her think I had an exam. The other day I was at uni revising, as soon as I get online at 6pm for the first time in the day, she messages me asking me how my exam is even though she asked what my timetable is like. Furthermore, when I say I was in uni she says "hmmmm" - don't know what she is thinking about.

She wants to see me - ok it's to help her - and I will mention this topic for the last time, but this time I will be sensitive. I'm not going to plan anything either, but I have a good idea of the things that I need to say. She's backed herself in a corner. She can find someone else to help her np if that's all she wants. She thinks I'm very clever, in fact all girls think that of me, but I'm hardly unique lol.

The cliffnotes version is pointless - it doesn't capture all the exceptions of this situation and thus would just cause wrong advice to be said.

Reply 16

-Blade-

BTW why doesn't the anon feature work anymore (for me anyway)?

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