How to develop social skills as an adult Aspie?

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username1539513
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Basically if there's any aspie's on here that have and can consider themselves socially successful may I hear your tips and hints please?

I study a hard subject, I can drive (although no car yet), I can cook, clean and shop for myself. I support myself by holding down a job yet I still havn't managed to get the social skills I need to have downpat; I just can't make friends at all

It depresses me when I see all the NT's around me socialising fluently and having tons of best friends yet I can't seem to get that no matter how hard I try.
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username1539513
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Anybody? How do you develop social skills?
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bluemadhatter
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I think the first step is getting out there and practising. Even if you can't succeed the first time, its all about improving and getting better. The best way you can practice is by joining societies and clubs in your area and finding people with similar interests etc There you can make friends and your social skills will slowly improve through practice and observing/replicating.
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Tiger Rag
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(Original post by bluemadhatter)
I think the first step is getting out there and practising. Even if you can't succeed the first time, its all about improving and getting better. The best way you can practice is by joining societies and clubs in your area and finding people with similar interests etc There you can make friends and your social skills will slowly improve through practice and observing/replicating.
If only it was that easy. I've left groups because there's been too many people. I've also had to leave groups because the behaviour of people hasn't been appropriate.
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Kittiara
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I am still learning about the whole social skills thing as well, but I have managed to make a couple of friends.

I think that the first step is what I call "surface talk". Saying hi to people you see on a regular basis. If they seem receptive, and the opportunity arises, ask how they are doing and work your way up from there - for example, if you both attended a really boring lecture, or work was very busy, you could make a comment about that, which would give the other person an opportunity to give their own observations.

Don't go in too deep and too personal until you have had some exchanges and the other person makes a comment of that nature. Someone might, for example, say that they had a terrible night, which means you could ask what happened.

And try to find common ground beyond studies/work - music, books, movies, hobbies. Shared interests can lay the groundwork for friendship.

Hope that helps a little bit!
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username1539513
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(Original post by Kittiara)
I am still learning about the whole social skills thing as well, but I have managed to make a couple of friends.

I think that the first step is what I call "surface talk". Saying hi to people you see on a regular basis. If they seem receptive, and the opportunity arises, ask how they are doing and work your way up from there - for example, if you both attended a really boring lecture, or work was very busy, you could make a comment about that, which would give the other person an opportunity to give their own observations.

Don't go in too deep and too personal until you have had some exchanges and the other person makes a comment of that nature. Someone might, for example, say that they had a terrible night, which means you could ask what happened.

And try to find common ground beyond studies/work - music, books, movies, hobbies. Shared interests can lay the groundwork for friendship.

Hope that helps a little bit!
I struggle with this bit personally. I usually don't say hi to the people at work unless they work on my team. I'll smile and acknowledge them if they interact with me first but I rarely interact first and I think this is one of my problems

My second problem is that fundamentally I find people very boring. I ask them about their day and they proceed to give me a twenty minute lecture about their lives, I'm bored already after the one minute mark. Unless I find someone interesting or attractive I really am not interested deep down and I don't know what to do about that.

My third problem is that a lot of the people around me are only interested in going out and getting drunk and having lots of rampant sex. None of them study science subjects or are interested in intellectually debating about politics or religion. I have a keen interest in geology and natural history but no one around seems to share that. I can sign up to geology societies but sadly I can't afford to go on any of the field trips nor do I own a car which is fairly essential.

Going to a nightclub wouldn't work because I'd be majorely out of my comfort zone nor do I wish to associate with the type of people who frequent nightclubs.
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Kittiara
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I understand. I struggle with it as well. But I see "surface talk" as an investment, because it is through that that we can learn whether or not a person is interesting. And it is a social requirement, of course, when trying to form friendships, because a friendship is a reciprocal relationship. There will no doubt be times when we want to talk about something that other people aren't particularly interested in, but then perhaps you might hit on a topic that both find enjoyable to discuss.

As to not finding many people interesting, though, there is nothing you can do about that. It's not something to feel bad about, either. Maybe ask yourself, do you truly want a large friendship group, or do you want it because it seems to be the expected thing? I know that I wouldn't be able to deal with a large group of friends. It's a lot of pressure and emotional investment, with a lot of social expectations to live up to with each and every person. So, I think it's about quality rather than quantity. Just having one or two friends can be nice, if you both click and understand the other.

I also understand your situation, in that people around me are mostly interested in things I am not interested in, either. Including, indeed, going out, getting drunk and so on. That is why I explore certain interests online. Like, TSR has the Model House of Commons for politics and there are several members there with ASD, so that is quite nice. Of course, it differs from face to face contact and therefore does not help much with developing social skills, but it's better than nothing when it comes to interesting debates.
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Tiger Rag
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I find this a lot. There's someone I used to know who would bore me to death. There was just nothing to talk about at all. He would just talk about work, his kids and his on / off girlfriend, which gets boring after a while. His time keeping was rubbish; so I gave up with him.

On the flip side, I have a friend who I could happily talk to for hours. Ok, we talk about the same things (music, holidays, etc)but I don't get bored talking to him. I've never sat there thinking "um, what do I talk about?" Ok, we've had the odd silence here and there; but it's never been for that long.

If you don't find someone interesting, I don't think it's just you tbh. You just click with some people and you don't click with others.

My third problem is that a lot of the people around me are only interested in going out and getting drunk and having lots of rampant sex. None of them study science subjects or are interested in intellectually debating about politics or religion. I have a keen interest in geology and natural history but no one around seems to share that. I can sign up to geology societies but sadly I can't afford to go on any of the field trips nor do I own a car which is fairly essential.

Going to a nightclub wouldn't work because I'd be majorely out of my comfort zone nor do I wish to associate with the type of people who frequent nightclubs.
This was a problem for me at uni. I'm not interested in nightclubs ot drinking in the slightest.
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cole-slaw
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Forget you have Aspergers, and go out and socialise. Try not to lose your ****.
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Tiger Rag
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(Original post by cole-slaw)
Forget you have Aspergers, and go out and socialise. Try not to lose your ****.
if only it was really that simple
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cole-slaw
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(Original post by OU Student)
if only it was really that simple
I know plenty of people with Aspergers. It really IS that simple, provided they have a few friends who really push them to socialise.
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Tiger Rag
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(Original post by cole-slaw)
I know plenty of people with Aspergers. It really IS that simple, provided they have a few friends who really push them to socialise.
I also know plenty who find the complete opposite. Socialising really isn't that easy. Not when you've got issues with communicating, noise and trusting people, amongst other things. Pushing people to do things is likely to make them not to do something.
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cole-slaw
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(Original post by OU Student)
I also know plenty who find the complete opposite. Socialising really isn't that easy. Not when you've got issues with communicating, noise and trusting people, amongst other things. Pushing people to do things is likely to make them not to do something.
Well maybe your friends need better friends who can properly help them. My friends with aspergers all live normal, sociable lives now, and they no longer use their condition as a convenient excuse for laziness or misanthropy.
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