Can someone look at my Imaginative Essay?

(Essay in attachment)
I'm writing an imaginative piece for English this year and It would be great if someone could take a look at it. I understand it wont be perfect as this version is prior to my first draft which I will be handing in soon so any adjustments/improvements that you think could be made would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

It's an interesting story line and shows good imagination! I was interested to see what happened!
I think you could maybe put some more detail into the setting and the creature as I couldn't really imagine what it would look like. I understand that it's meant to be mysterious but some bits were a bit too vague for me, personally. When you say 'Thesound of the items inside the packet hitting against each other sounded likemetal. He calmly picked up 4 of these items and moved them over towards theobject now sitting on his lap. He had loaded one of these many times before sothis wasn’t too much trouble' I knew what they were, buy you could add more description like how the object (bullets I presume) were cold or that it felt heavy, something descriptive.

There was a few errors I picked up on, such as:

'Insidethe house say another man'

'Thehouse the two men were in was as neglected looking as any other he had comeacross nearby'- I feel like there should be a comma in this somewhere as I misread it and couldn't understand it at first.

'happenedby no...BOOM'- I didn't know if you did this to cut of his train of thought or just accidentally spelled it wrong, as it's spelled now

Overall, it's a good draft! It's fun when you get to do an imaginative piece, I wish we did that in a-level haha