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Mum-appalling behaviour.
Basically, I want to know if anybody agrees with me and thinks my mother has behaved appalling.
To get the full picture you must start from the start. A few years ago, my mother assaulted my sister, and ended up getting arrested etc for it. To be fair, she (my mum) was at the end of her tether with her behaviour, but any show of aggression is not called for. Anyway, she had to have anger management classes etc. and my sister eventually went into care, (not because of that directly, but the mother/daugther relationship could never be full restored after that). She actually saw her on the bus the other day and blanked her out (my sister blanked her). At the time I thought this was out of order but now not so much.
I had to drop university this year with stress, and used to live with my mum but moved in with my dad again. I visit my mother and my little brother every weekend, as does my other brother who is at university, when he can get down.
So, we were sitting there the other night, and got into an arguement over something really trivial. Now, I am a highly intelligent and diplomatic person, so am the last one to have a slanging match, but when you're dealing with people who aren't diplomatic and stoic then sadly that's what it sometimes resorts to. Add to the fact I had only three hours of sleep this particular day.
She was being utterly flippant and I didn't even want to converse with her (add to the fact that my brother always seems to think he can calm it down, but when A is arguing with B, C just makes it worse. There was even a D person in the shape of my little brother, who just wanted to play the computer in peace).
So at the height of the argument, and without warning, she hurled a hot cup of coffee at the wall near to where I was sat with my little brother. And it's no exaggeration to say it missed us by half a foot, being generous). Everyone just sat in silence afterwards, so appalled by this, and my little brother started crying.
Anyway, it transpired that I was "trouble" and I "cause it everytime I come down", yet that glove just cannot fit with someone so mature and intellectual. I just can't see someone like me being a firestarter. Her, on the other hand, as been known to be volatile). And she said she didn't want me coming up any more (which effectively means I don't see her or my brother, surely). But I said I wasn't coming again anyway, so that was settled.
My other brother who visits has at times been that sick of her that he too has said he never wants to go up there again, but he has always changed his mind (although I can't see that happening with me).
I don't need negative influences like her in my life. She hasn't got me to where I am today, and plus I have enough stress at it is without her creating more. I wouldn't miss her if I never saw her again (like she hasn't seen her mum for 3 years-something petty again, money my nana said), and I can see her doing this with my little brother in years to come and dying a sad, lonely old woman.
But why should my little brother have to suffer because of her?
End of rant.
What do people think?
To get the full picture you must start from the start. A few years ago, my mother assaulted my sister, and ended up getting arrested etc for it. To be fair, she (my mum) was at the end of her tether with her behaviour, but any show of aggression is not called for. Anyway, she had to have anger management classes etc. and my sister eventually went into care, (not because of that directly, but the mother/daugther relationship could never be full restored after that). She actually saw her on the bus the other day and blanked her out (my sister blanked her). At the time I thought this was out of order but now not so much.
I had to drop university this year with stress, and used to live with my mum but moved in with my dad again. I visit my mother and my little brother every weekend, as does my other brother who is at university, when he can get down.
So, we were sitting there the other night, and got into an arguement over something really trivial. Now, I am a highly intelligent and diplomatic person, so am the last one to have a slanging match, but when you're dealing with people who aren't diplomatic and stoic then sadly that's what it sometimes resorts to. Add to the fact I had only three hours of sleep this particular day.
She was being utterly flippant and I didn't even want to converse with her (add to the fact that my brother always seems to think he can calm it down, but when A is arguing with B, C just makes it worse. There was even a D person in the shape of my little brother, who just wanted to play the computer in peace).
So at the height of the argument, and without warning, she hurled a hot cup of coffee at the wall near to where I was sat with my little brother. And it's no exaggeration to say it missed us by half a foot, being generous). Everyone just sat in silence afterwards, so appalled by this, and my little brother started crying.
Anyway, it transpired that I was "trouble" and I "cause it everytime I come down", yet that glove just cannot fit with someone so mature and intellectual. I just can't see someone like me being a firestarter. Her, on the other hand, as been known to be volatile). And she said she didn't want me coming up any more (which effectively means I don't see her or my brother, surely). But I said I wasn't coming again anyway, so that was settled.
My other brother who visits has at times been that sick of her that he too has said he never wants to go up there again, but he has always changed his mind (although I can't see that happening with me).
I don't need negative influences like her in my life. She hasn't got me to where I am today, and plus I have enough stress at it is without her creating more. I wouldn't miss her if I never saw her again (like she hasn't seen her mum for 3 years-something petty again, money my nana said), and I can see her doing this with my little brother in years to come and dying a sad, lonely old woman.
But why should my little brother have to suffer because of her?
End of rant.
What do people think?
Scroll to see replies
I'm not completely sure what to say here because its similar to a situation which I'm in where my sister and mother blame me for causing fights, when I try and remain diplomatic.
But she should not be so violent. Especially throwing a coffee mug and assulting your sister. That is out of order. I agree that your younger brother should not suffer as a result of it.
But she should not be so violent. Especially throwing a coffee mug and assulting your sister. That is out of order. I agree that your younger brother should not suffer as a result of it.
I think you think of yourself a little too highly, 'I am a highly intelligent and diplomatic person', 'yet that glove just cannot fit with someone so mature and intellectual'.
However that doesn't stop your mum being totally out of order for what she has done. To be honest though I question whether we are getting the complete story, you seem extremely full of yourself, maybe you do cause a lot of problems when you come back from uni.....
However that doesn't stop your mum being totally out of order for what she has done. To be honest though I question whether we are getting the complete story, you seem extremely full of yourself, maybe you do cause a lot of problems when you come back from uni.....
sebbie
I think you think of yourself a little too highly, 'I am a highly intelligent and diplomatic person', 'yet that glove just cannot fit with someone so mature and intellectual'.
However that doesn't stop your mum being totally out of order for what she has done. To be honest though I question whether we are getting the complete story, you seem extremely full of yourself, maybe you do cause a lot of problems when you come back from uni.....
However that doesn't stop your mum being totally out of order for what she has done. To be honest though I question whether we are getting the complete story, you seem extremely full of yourself, maybe you do cause a lot of problems when you come back from uni.....
No, explaining my genuine character isn't being full of myself.
Just making a point- why would one so diplomatic (and anyway, how is saying that you're diplomatic being full of yourself????), resort to a slanging match as a way of trying to prove themselves?
your mum is out of order but you obviously are to blame a little. Im sure she gets sick of your arrogant attitude, and constantly looking down on her. If you dont want to see her again then thats your progative but i think you need to take stock of your own behavouir as well as youre mothers.
We couldn't possibly know what the situation is like at your home without more detail, but obviously that aggression is uncalled for. But yes, I'm afraid you do come across as quite arrogant. I don't know if this affects your mum or not, or if you're different in real life. So no one can really advise.
yet that glove just cannot fit with someone so mature and intellectual
I am a highly intelligent and diplomatic person, so am the last one to have a slanging match,
I agree with the poster above me, you do seem to have quite a high opinion of yourself. Although that does not it anyway mitigate the fact that your mother shouldn't have lost her temper and reacted the way she did, you don't seem to (at least from this post) have attempted to disfuse the situation.
In fact, it seems that you kind of look down upon your mother because she isn't as intelligent as you. Maybe she's not, but that doesn't make her views or problems any less valid that yours. When you're arguing with her, do you think you would give her any reason to think that you feel you're more intelligent or diplomatic than her? Because if you do, I think she would find that very frustrating to deal with, particularly as you are probably only 19-21 years old. She may even see it as antagonistic behaviour on your part.
For someone who seems themselves as highly intelligent, you do not yet appear to have realised that a little humility can go a long way in difusing difficult situations.
Anonymous
No, explaining my genuine character isn't being full of myself.
Just making a point- why would one so diplomatic (and anyway, how is saying that you're diplomatic being full of yourself????), resort to a slanging match as a way of trying to prove themselves?
Just making a point- why would one so diplomatic (and anyway, how is saying that you're diplomatic being full of yourself????), resort to a slanging match as a way of trying to prove themselves?
maybe you are not as intellectual and diplomatic as you think you are, you haven't told as your genuine character, just how great you are....
I agree with everyone else in this thread, actually. You DO think of yourself perhaps a little too highly, and although you may think this is describing your genuine character, it hasn't come across that way.
Also, being 'highly intelligent' and 'diplomatic' really doesn't mean you would be the last to have an argument.
Even though you claim you are mature, it doesn't automatically make it that you can't cause arguments.
Anyway, that aside, I'm sorry all this has happened, and I feel your mother was out of order for doing what she did.
Also, being 'highly intelligent' and 'diplomatic' really doesn't mean you would be the last to have an argument.
Anyway, it transpired that I was "trouble" and I "cause it everytime I come down", yet that glove just cannot fit with someone so mature and intellectual.
Even though you claim you are mature, it doesn't automatically make it that you can't cause arguments.
Anyway, that aside, I'm sorry all this has happened, and I feel your mother was out of order for doing what she did.
I agree with some of hte other comments on this one - your mum clearly has a number of issues to do with anger management and behaviour, and she obviously needs help. However, both you and she are adults and as such you both have a choice whether or not to have contact with each other. Since the situation seems to be a bit of a deadlock, perhaps it would be best if, for a while, you didn't really have much to do with your mum.
However, you do come across as slightly arrogant and patronising (sorry) and possibly your behaviour could be inflaming an already tense situation. Nobody likes to be 'talked down to' and maybe your attitude is a bit of a red rag to your mum's bull, if you see what I mean.
Also - and again I don't mean to be rude and obviously I don't know the full situation - from reading between the lines it looks like you, your sister, your older brother and your grandmother are all 'against' your mum. Although it seems like there are reasons for this, you mum may be feeling that she constantly has to defend herself against all of you, which isn't going to help her behaviour and anger issues, particularly not if she feels belittled and patronised by you. While your mum was wrong to originally get violent with your sister, we are all only human and we all reach a point where we explode, particularly if we're under a lot of stress and we're constantly provoked. As for the arguing, sometimes, no matter how much you disagree with someone it's best to just shut up and put up, because it's not worth the disagreements that ensue.
And finally (lol), perhaps your mum's age may have something to do with her behaviour? When my mum went through the menopause her behaviour and character changed completely - she became depressed, would fly off the handle for 'nothing', was angry and generally very unhappy. Since she got some help from out GP she has become so much better. I'm not trying to excuse your mum at all but there may be genuine physiological reasons for her anger and clear unhappiness, which perhaps might merit a little sympathy.
However, you do come across as slightly arrogant and patronising (sorry) and possibly your behaviour could be inflaming an already tense situation. Nobody likes to be 'talked down to' and maybe your attitude is a bit of a red rag to your mum's bull, if you see what I mean.
Also - and again I don't mean to be rude and obviously I don't know the full situation - from reading between the lines it looks like you, your sister, your older brother and your grandmother are all 'against' your mum. Although it seems like there are reasons for this, you mum may be feeling that she constantly has to defend herself against all of you, which isn't going to help her behaviour and anger issues, particularly not if she feels belittled and patronised by you. While your mum was wrong to originally get violent with your sister, we are all only human and we all reach a point where we explode, particularly if we're under a lot of stress and we're constantly provoked. As for the arguing, sometimes, no matter how much you disagree with someone it's best to just shut up and put up, because it's not worth the disagreements that ensue.
And finally (lol), perhaps your mum's age may have something to do with her behaviour? When my mum went through the menopause her behaviour and character changed completely - she became depressed, would fly off the handle for 'nothing', was angry and generally very unhappy. Since she got some help from out GP she has become so much better. I'm not trying to excuse your mum at all but there may be genuine physiological reasons for her anger and clear unhappiness, which perhaps might merit a little sympathy.
jaydoh
Dare I ask why you have a warning level of 7?
I dropped out of university not because I couldn't cope, but because I had to. It was medically advised.
Some people can't physcologically cope because of the social aspect of it, the cultral difference of it, but the strain of moving homes for me because I wasn't standing for my father's abuse (different story, he has accepted his problems and has conformed, because I was metaphorically threatening to run away into the distance from him) anymore and getting into university proved to take it's toll and I was advised by my doctor too take a break.
But I am going back this year, so it's something to move on and forget about.
A hell of a lot of you are skirting the issue here.
The issue is my mother's behaviour. Do I try to appear more intelligent than her? No, I don't think I do. I don't use words that I know she doesn't understand or blind her with science or anything of the sort. I talk in a calm, controlled manner whilst she yells like a schoolkid and adopts a mocking tone to condescend me.
The obvious thing would be to converge and try and be diplomatic back, but like I say she just yells.
As I put it to her before I left, she has a lot of issues that she needs addressing (and I know what they are but I wont disclose them on here). Maybe it's best if I don't come into contact with her if she has these pent-up issues and I'm trying to escape that sort of enviroment by getting into university.
@The person who suggested I am a troll. I am a regular poster on here.
I dropped out of university not because I couldn't cope, but because I had to. It was medically advised.
Some people can't physcologically cope because of the social aspect of it, the cultral difference of it, but the strain of moving homes for me because I wasn't standing for my father's abuse (different story, he has accepted his problems and has conformed, because I was metaphorically threatening to run away into the distance from him) anymore and getting into university proved to take it's toll and I was advised by my doctor too take a break.
But I am going back this year, so it's something to move on and forget about.
A hell of a lot of you are skirting the issue here.
The issue is my mother's behaviour. Do I try to appear more intelligent than her? No, I don't think I do. I don't use words that I know she doesn't understand or blind her with science or anything of the sort. I talk in a calm, controlled manner whilst she yells like a schoolkid and adopts a mocking tone to condescend me.
The obvious thing would be to converge and try and be diplomatic back, but like I say she just yells.
As I put it to her before I left, she has a lot of issues that she needs addressing (and I know what they are but I wont disclose them on here). Maybe it's best if I don't come into contact with her if she has these pent-up issues and I'm trying to escape that sort of enviroment by getting into university.
@The person who suggested I am a troll. I am a regular poster on here.
Trigger
you forgot to click anon. And i have warning points for a whole host of reasons.
Well at least people know I'm not a troll. What a ludicrous suggestion.
Some of you have put it that a lot of her family "are against her", but at the end of the day her aggression issues has drove two of her children away and her stubborness has drove my nana away. My nana was nearly in tears one time when I was speaking to her about my younger siblings because it's clear that she wants to see them, but she is immobile and can't get across town, plus my mum has changed her number so she can't ring them.
And I don't get where people are saying I appear arrogant. How can you gauge that? You would have to have been there during the conversation...
My character has undergone a renaissance. It's partly my father's fault that I dropped university in the first place because if I didn't leave his house I would've had stability during my exams (in a way the stress spurred me on). I have now learnt to cope with stress, and can use it effectively now.
But like I was saying, I have to put myself first these days. It's all about me, (and I know it sounds self-centred) but it really has to be.
Anonymous
Well at least people know I'm not a troll. What a ludicrous suggestion.
Some of you have put it that a lot of her family "are against her", but at the end of the day her aggression issues has drove two of her children away and her stubborness has drove my nana away. My nana was nearly in tears one time when I was speaking to her about my younger siblings because it's clear that she wants to see them, but she is immobile and can't get across town, plus my mum has changed her number so she can't ring them.
And I don't get where people are saying I appear arrogant. How can you gauge that? You would have to have been there during the conversation...
My character has undergone a renaissance. It's partly my father's fault that I dropped university in the first place because if I didn't leave his house I would've had stability during my exams (in a way the stress spurred me on). I have now learnt to cope with stress, and can use it effectively now.
But like I was saying, I have to put myself first these days. It's all about me, (and I know it sounds self-centred) but it really has to be.
Some of you have put it that a lot of her family "are against her", but at the end of the day her aggression issues has drove two of her children away and her stubborness has drove my nana away. My nana was nearly in tears one time when I was speaking to her about my younger siblings because it's clear that she wants to see them, but she is immobile and can't get across town, plus my mum has changed her number so she can't ring them.
And I don't get where people are saying I appear arrogant. How can you gauge that? You would have to have been there during the conversation...
My character has undergone a renaissance. It's partly my father's fault that I dropped university in the first place because if I didn't leave his house I would've had stability during my exams (in a way the stress spurred me on). I have now learnt to cope with stress, and can use it effectively now.
But like I was saying, I have to put myself first these days. It's all about me, (and I know it sounds self-centred) but it really has to be.
Trigger
how is it his fault
As I have said in a previous post, but I think I deleted it, because of his abuse.
If he'd loved and appreciated his kids in the first place (he seems to now, funnily enough) when they were small instead of creating a horrible home enviroment then they wouldn't have to up-sticks in the middle of stressful exams.
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