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Big problem - Uni has become such a struggle because of this
Hi guys,
I'm feeling quite low at the moment because my dad is trying to prevent me from going to University. He often has a temper, but I honestly don't believe how illogical and aggressive towards me he becomes over this - I don't why.
The universities are in Canada as that's where we're moving and I've spent the last four months researching and applying. I was so happy that I was accepted to some of the best Unis but my family weren't at all. I sometimes feel so different to them. When I try to talk to them about Uni, they ignore me when I tell them important things.
Now, they're point blank refusing to pay the acceptance deposit or housing deposit because of lack of money. The worst thing is that they're not saying they don't have enough money (which they don't); instead, they're saying they don't believe me that I will attend University. This is absolutely crazy since I've shed so much blood, sweat and tears over this and dedicated the past four months of my life to it. My dad is a completely irrational person and won't justify his reasons for not allowing me to go - except that: "you'll waste our money because you're not committed, you're so selfish for wanting to go to the University you choose, you should go to the one we choose, you should be grateful that we're moving to Canada at all". I wish I was exaggerating here, but that's honestly what they said.
It's not even about the money. I just want their support emotionally. I'm not expecting them to pay everything - just a small contribution, but he laughs at me when I talk about student loans. Actually he laughs about a lot of important subjects or just gets completely angry towards me whenever I bring up the subject of University in a rational way.
I am desperate to go to Uni and if it was in this country I'd say I'll find a way to finance it alone, but being new to the country, I don't know that I can do this alone.
I feel so sad because I don't know what to do. I feel like I've wasted 4 months of my life. If he becomes almost violently angry over £50, then how am I going to ask for money for my tuition? On the other side of the coin, I don't want to move house with him as there I'll be feeling the brunt of his anger every day.
I've talked to him rationally, I've explained everything properly; I've asked; I've begged; I got 4 As at AS-level last year and surely that must prove something to him but he won't budge an inch. He's completely irrational and illogical and I just feel awful.
He also stopped me from going on a gap year last year, calling the #1 exchange year organization in the UK, AFS, "dodgy" - again, he let me go through the whole interview process and then when it came time to pay he stopped me.
He has a difficult to commit to things - he's always been planning to move house somewhere our whole lives but they just never have and now he's stopping me from going to University by claiming that I won't see it through.
The worst thing is that they don't have any back-up plan for me if I don't go. They just say: "stay at home with us and we'll see how it goes". They won't let me go travelling and I really don't want to go back to high school after completing my A-levels at a high standard - it just seems like a complete waste to me - and Canadian Universities don't take gap year students as willingly as they do over here.
I'm feeling quite low at the moment because my dad is trying to prevent me from going to University. He often has a temper, but I honestly don't believe how illogical and aggressive towards me he becomes over this - I don't why.
The universities are in Canada as that's where we're moving and I've spent the last four months researching and applying. I was so happy that I was accepted to some of the best Unis but my family weren't at all. I sometimes feel so different to them. When I try to talk to them about Uni, they ignore me when I tell them important things.
Now, they're point blank refusing to pay the acceptance deposit or housing deposit because of lack of money. The worst thing is that they're not saying they don't have enough money (which they don't); instead, they're saying they don't believe me that I will attend University. This is absolutely crazy since I've shed so much blood, sweat and tears over this and dedicated the past four months of my life to it. My dad is a completely irrational person and won't justify his reasons for not allowing me to go - except that: "you'll waste our money because you're not committed, you're so selfish for wanting to go to the University you choose, you should go to the one we choose, you should be grateful that we're moving to Canada at all". I wish I was exaggerating here, but that's honestly what they said.
It's not even about the money. I just want their support emotionally. I'm not expecting them to pay everything - just a small contribution, but he laughs at me when I talk about student loans. Actually he laughs about a lot of important subjects or just gets completely angry towards me whenever I bring up the subject of University in a rational way.
I am desperate to go to Uni and if it was in this country I'd say I'll find a way to finance it alone, but being new to the country, I don't know that I can do this alone.
I feel so sad because I don't know what to do. I feel like I've wasted 4 months of my life. If he becomes almost violently angry over £50, then how am I going to ask for money for my tuition? On the other side of the coin, I don't want to move house with him as there I'll be feeling the brunt of his anger every day.
I've talked to him rationally, I've explained everything properly; I've asked; I've begged; I got 4 As at AS-level last year and surely that must prove something to him but he won't budge an inch. He's completely irrational and illogical and I just feel awful.
He also stopped me from going on a gap year last year, calling the #1 exchange year organization in the UK, AFS, "dodgy" - again, he let me go through the whole interview process and then when it came time to pay he stopped me.
He has a difficult to commit to things - he's always been planning to move house somewhere our whole lives but they just never have and now he's stopping me from going to University by claiming that I won't see it through.
The worst thing is that they don't have any back-up plan for me if I don't go. They just say: "stay at home with us and we'll see how it goes". They won't let me go travelling and I really don't want to go back to high school after completing my A-levels at a high standard - it just seems like a complete waste to me - and Canadian Universities don't take gap year students as willingly as they do over here.
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You should do what you think is best. If you are going to regret not going to uni then go to uni. Don't let your parents influence your decision. My dad is trying to use emotional scare tactics to stop me from going to one of the unis I'm considering going to (I think because it is the further away option) but I actually want to go quite a distance from home and he doesn't realise how much his comment has backfired.
Good luck anyway.
Are you the first person in your family to go to university? Perhaps they think you're alienating them by doing so, as if wanting to better yourself is somehow disloyal. It isn't btw, please don't let them put you off/stop you. You can apply for a student loan and they may lend you more if you make it clear your parents aren't supporting you in any way. Another possible reason for your father's behaviour could be resentment that you're trying to break away from family life. Most parents would be proud of what you're trying to do though.
Have you tried emailling/calling the Canadian universities to see what financial support they can offer you? Do they have something similar to the student loans company there?
If you really want this, you can do it. If you're offered support by the universities, I would go, regardless of what your father says. If you're not offered financial support by the universities that you have applied to, would you consider applying to UK universities for next academic year, or going through clearing?
Parents can be absolute ***** a lot of the time. What does your mum say about all this? If they're not willing to support you, there's a point (at least for me, there would be) when you just have to do it anyway.
If you really want this, you can do it. If you're offered support by the universities, I would go, regardless of what your father says. If you're not offered financial support by the universities that you have applied to, would you consider applying to UK universities for next academic year, or going through clearing?
Parents can be absolute ***** a lot of the time. What does your mum say about all this? If they're not willing to support you, there's a point (at least for me, there would be) when you just have to do it anyway.
You do what you want, not what he wants. You are old enough to make your own decisions, you have got to follow your own dreams.
I feel so bad reading your post. It sounds like there is no way of getting through to your dad. I dunno what to say but I think he is rather jealous that you are going to uni (im assuming that he didn't go himself). and you know how some parents basically try to live the life they never had through their children by telling them what to do etc the way that they would have liked their life to turn out. i think your dad is being like that. i guess if the rational way doesnt work then you will need to try to be firm with him and tell him it is your life, not his.and what is the point of moving to Canada in the end if you aren't going to the unis there? i thought the whole point of moving was so that you could attend the uni?
i agree with always + forever that you should perhaps contact the uni in canada and inform them of the situation. maybe they would be able to help you somewhat. and is it a lot to pay for the acceptance and house deposit? could you borrow this off someone in the family? or work part time to cover for it?
i really do feel for you. i hope it is sorted out soon and you get to go to the uni you want.
I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lot of sexism involved in why your parents don't want you to go to uni. Most of Canada's provinces have provincial loans that cover a large portion of the uni costs. You should look into them as quickly as possible, as I don't know when the deadlines are. You should also e-mail the university you want to go to and tell them the situation. I'm certain they'll try to oblige you in some way. Don't let people who don't care about you ruin your life.
if you're doing your a-levels here is there any possibility you could go to uni here? i know it would be a massive step away from your parents but you would know how to finance it, how things worked, etc, and such a drastic step might wake your dad up a bit
You said that your dad has difficulty in commiting to things yet he has commited himself to this big move. Do you think he might secretly be regretting it and perhaps may not go through with it? This would explain why he does not want you to commit to a Canadian university. You also mention that he says you should go to the one he chooses. Would you consider this? Has he just chosen one closer to your new home? Maybe he really is worried about money but doesn't want you to throw this in his face if you don't end up going to uni.
dreamqueen
if you're doing your a-levels here is there any possibility you could go to uni here? i know it would be a massive step away from your parents but you would know how to finance it, how things worked, etc, and such a drastic step might wake your dad up a bit
I think thats the soundest advice so far. At best, it'll shock him and make him drastically reconsider. At worst, it'll do nothing to change his decision, but going to university in this country won't be a scary experience since its a place you're familiar with, even if its without your parents living in the same country.
If going to uni is really what you want, then go for it
Don't let your dad hold back your ambition - if you do, you may face the prospect of an unfulfilled life and doesn't live up to expectations.
i proper feel for u.. went thru exactly the same thing and i did wat was suggested by dreamqueen.. it all worked out so well in the end... good luck! im thinking of u love... xxx
some unis over here accept two AS levels in the place of one A-level. They might not be the best, but they're not terrible, and writing/applying directly to one of those might be better than going to canada, where you're not sure about the system anyway
Sorry if this turns into a rant. I just don't know what to do.
I really thought speaking to a Connexions officer would be the way forward. I thought I'd just be able to chat Uni-related issues through and might come away feeling a bit more confident about my future. But the one I saw was not friendly or particularly helpful. She said I could look into apprenticeships, other careers that don't require Uni and become a mature student. She said I seemed too distressed and this wasn't going to help anyone. I don't think this was good advice. Basically, her reasons were that going to Uni alone in another country was too much of a big step; a "stupid and unrealistic thing to do". I know that it's a big step; but it's one I'd be able to overcome if I had somebody to talk through a few practicalities with. Unfortuanately, I have rang Connexions a few times and this advisor seems to be the only one I have been able to chat with.
After speaking to her; I began to think that maybe I am being selfish and asking too much. But I've planned so much for going to Uni all this time; and I don't see why I shouldn't, so long as I can get my finances etc sorted.
It feels like there are no adults who are taking me seriously. I've spent 4 months of my life working hard over it; I don't want to quit.
I've also discovered that my A-level German oral is in about a week and I've done little work for it; having been concerned over this. I also have to provide my own oral examiner. The deadline for accepting my other offers are also this week and I feel like I don't have time to dedicate to making a decision and learning for my A-level.
I've tried so hard to keep things together and to stay focused and motivated but now they seem to be falling apart. I feel so trapped.
Unfortuanately I can't go to Uni over here because I don't have enough A-levels (Canadian Unis take less). Whilst "doing it alone without anyone's help or support" is something I want to do; in reality it is a hell of a lot more difficult than I thought - there have been so many complications with loans; my citizenry proof etc; that now is one of the times when I've needed someone to help or just even talk to more than ever.
But I appreciate everybody's advice - it's good to chat with others who are/are wanting to attend Uni.
I really thought speaking to a Connexions officer would be the way forward. I thought I'd just be able to chat Uni-related issues through and might come away feeling a bit more confident about my future. But the one I saw was not friendly or particularly helpful. She said I could look into apprenticeships, other careers that don't require Uni and become a mature student. She said I seemed too distressed and this wasn't going to help anyone. I don't think this was good advice. Basically, her reasons were that going to Uni alone in another country was too much of a big step; a "stupid and unrealistic thing to do". I know that it's a big step; but it's one I'd be able to overcome if I had somebody to talk through a few practicalities with. Unfortuanately, I have rang Connexions a few times and this advisor seems to be the only one I have been able to chat with.
After speaking to her; I began to think that maybe I am being selfish and asking too much. But I've planned so much for going to Uni all this time; and I don't see why I shouldn't, so long as I can get my finances etc sorted.
It feels like there are no adults who are taking me seriously. I've spent 4 months of my life working hard over it; I don't want to quit.
I've also discovered that my A-level German oral is in about a week and I've done little work for it; having been concerned over this. I also have to provide my own oral examiner. The deadline for accepting my other offers are also this week and I feel like I don't have time to dedicate to making a decision and learning for my A-level.
I've tried so hard to keep things together and to stay focused and motivated but now they seem to be falling apart. I feel so trapped.
Unfortuanately I can't go to Uni over here because I don't have enough A-levels (Canadian Unis take less). Whilst "doing it alone without anyone's help or support" is something I want to do; in reality it is a hell of a lot more difficult than I thought - there have been so many complications with loans; my citizenry proof etc; that now is one of the times when I've needed someone to help or just even talk to more than ever.
But I appreciate everybody's advice - it's good to chat with others who are/are wanting to attend Uni.
her reasons were that going to Uni alone in another country was too much of a big step; a "stupid and unrealistic thing to do". I
That's ridiculous. TONS of people do it. I went to uni in another country alone when I was 17. There's nothing to it. The only issue is money...
Are you in Canada yet? If not, and you think you might want to go to uni in the UK, then DON'T GO TO CANADA!! If you do, you won't be eligible to pay home fees.
more adventurous
That's ridiculous. TONS of people do it. I went to uni in another country alone when I was 17. There's nothing to it. The only issue is money...
No, it's not so ridiculous. If you have absolutely zero parental support, and more than that, your parents don't actually want you to go to university, it's hard enough finding the emotional strength, the organisational skills and the financial means to get yourself to university in this country, let alone another country, where you don't know the financial system, everything works differently, you have to sort out citizenship and all of that. If your parents don't support you through that, it would be really, really difficult to go to uni in another country. Not impossible, but obscenely difficult.
OP, I'm so sorry that you're having to face this, especially at this time
But remember, it's not impossible for you to go to uni. If your parents are against you going whether you move to Canada or not, why don't you just stay here and go to university here? There are so many advantages to doing this: you'll be able to show the UK unis that you'll be entirely on your own, which will make it easier for you to apply for bursaries, you know the UK systems much better than the Canadian systems. If you did this, you could withdraw from your Canadian university offers and take a gap year working in the UK, building up some funds for university.I understand though that this itself holds further problems - i.e. where you're going to live during your gap year while your family are in Canada, you want to go travelling, etc.
You could contact the Citizen's Advice Bureau here in the UK - it's there to help people who need specialised advice, don't have anyone around who knows about the problem and need a little bit of extra help from qualified individuals. You could go there and explain your predicament, and they'll help you get on the right track.
The Connexions advisor had no right to say those things to you in such a harsh way, but I do believe that she had a point. It is very difficult to get yourself to a foreign university (but not impossible). Her advice about perhaps being a mature student is also perhaps worth considering. In your situation, it might be better to either go to Canada with your parents or stay here and just spend a few years establishing your career, building up some savings and preparing yourself. You could then go to university a little later on - this has worked for some people I know who didn't have the financial means to go when they were 18-19, but went later on. You might even find that your employers finance part of your degree if they want to train you, which would be a big help.
There are always ways of getting to university as long as you're bright enough. Some of us are lucky to be able to use the easy way, and for some of us, it's not so simple. But if you want it enough, you will get there - you've got a right to get there.
Good luck; I wish you the very best in the future
Thanks.
I just don't really know exactly what I want to do yet, careers-wise. The few career plans that I do have, also involve a degree.
Whilst I'm all for jobs and apprenticeships that don't involve a degree for the people that it suits - for me, however, this is just not an option. I've always been one of the brightest in my class and worked insanely hard for my exams - it just doesn't make sense to go for a career which I don't need a degree for, when I know that I'm more than capable of completing a degree.
Uni, to me, isn't just about learning, but it's about having that experience at 18-19 - something that I've always planned for, as well as getting a degree in my mid-20s to then start a career.
However, I've had a lot of complications with my A-levels too. Doing them as a private candidate, I've had so much to consider with Uni, that I *stupidly* forgot to check when the orals were and have just discovered they are next week. I haven't prepared for them whatsoever. I still need to find an oral examiner for myself, and learn most of the material within the week.
------
Even if I had a hope of getting a grade at this stage, the stress of rushing my A-levels now doesn't really give me much time to sort out Uni.
Therefore, there's unfortuanately a good possibility that I'll have to either repeat my A-levels here (as a private candidate - it's too late to enroll at college), or, repeat a final year of High School in Canada.
High School would be pretty stressful - considering I don't know how their finals work (except that they have finals in many subjects) and I'd have to go in Sept and stay with a family I don't know until my family immigrate. Before later being re-united with my family and coping with my dad's "moving stress".
However, I can't really take my A-levels over here as I've the potential of nowhere to live for months. Also, with most of my friends being at Uni it could get pretty lonely.
Perhaps the The Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to help. I'll try them.
-----
Another thing that is causing me to not be able to deal with this as effectively as I'd like is my problems at home.
The problems are difficult: I need to use almost every spare minute for my A-level and sometimes I lose track of the time, and am not allowed to have tea because it's too late and I've been punished by my dad for not keeping up with my jobs around the house the past couple of days (when Dad doesn't do any household jobs himself).
This is made even more difficult by the fact that my Mum and sister do not care at all. Neither of them is interested in me. My Mum will agree with my Dad, and my sister will agree with my parents - even if they hint to me behind my Dad's back that they know I have a point.
I think there is a great deal of fear for my Dad. Even when my Dad did something awful to my sister one time, my Mum did nothing about it. I'm the only who speaks out against it, and yet my sister and my Mum berate me for it.
I feel really trapped - as Connexions weren't much help I feel I need to speak to another someone else.
I just don't really know exactly what I want to do yet, careers-wise. The few career plans that I do have, also involve a degree.
Whilst I'm all for jobs and apprenticeships that don't involve a degree for the people that it suits - for me, however, this is just not an option. I've always been one of the brightest in my class and worked insanely hard for my exams - it just doesn't make sense to go for a career which I don't need a degree for, when I know that I'm more than capable of completing a degree.
Uni, to me, isn't just about learning, but it's about having that experience at 18-19 - something that I've always planned for, as well as getting a degree in my mid-20s to then start a career.
However, I've had a lot of complications with my A-levels too. Doing them as a private candidate, I've had so much to consider with Uni, that I *stupidly* forgot to check when the orals were and have just discovered they are next week. I haven't prepared for them whatsoever. I still need to find an oral examiner for myself, and learn most of the material within the week.
------
Even if I had a hope of getting a grade at this stage, the stress of rushing my A-levels now doesn't really give me much time to sort out Uni.
Therefore, there's unfortuanately a good possibility that I'll have to either repeat my A-levels here (as a private candidate - it's too late to enroll at college), or, repeat a final year of High School in Canada.
High School would be pretty stressful - considering I don't know how their finals work (except that they have finals in many subjects) and I'd have to go in Sept and stay with a family I don't know until my family immigrate. Before later being re-united with my family and coping with my dad's "moving stress".
However, I can't really take my A-levels over here as I've the potential of nowhere to live for months. Also, with most of my friends being at Uni it could get pretty lonely.
Perhaps the The Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to help. I'll try them.
-----
Another thing that is causing me to not be able to deal with this as effectively as I'd like is my problems at home.
The problems are difficult: I need to use almost every spare minute for my A-level and sometimes I lose track of the time, and am not allowed to have tea because it's too late and I've been punished by my dad for not keeping up with my jobs around the house the past couple of days (when Dad doesn't do any household jobs himself).
This is made even more difficult by the fact that my Mum and sister do not care at all. Neither of them is interested in me. My Mum will agree with my Dad, and my sister will agree with my parents - even if they hint to me behind my Dad's back that they know I have a point.
I think there is a great deal of fear for my Dad. Even when my Dad did something awful to my sister one time, my Mum did nothing about it. I'm the only who speaks out against it, and yet my sister and my Mum berate me for it.
I feel really trapped - as Connexions weren't much help I feel I need to speak to another someone else.
It's worth remembering, though, that Connextions are there to advise you as to the best course forward, not tell you what you want to hear. I daresay they have more information about you and your situation than we do, and maybe you did get a bad apple, but if it was her opinion that it would be a silly thing to do, it's right that she told you.
i can see why you are angry. It is wrong for them to tell you which uni to go to or to deprive you of the right to go to uni.
Dont know if this is like yours but my parents are pretty calm but fi i asked them for 50 quid thye wold lauhg in my face. my parents have said i have to be 100% financially independent and i am living out.
I can see from their point of view about that, and they should help you but maybe they want you to be independent? i am not sure. but it is very wrong how they get angry at you. Worst comes to worst get a summer job, earn some money and then you should be able to cover some stuff. And it alsos hows your parents you are committed.
Dont know if this is like yours but my parents are pretty calm but fi i asked them for 50 quid thye wold lauhg in my face. my parents have said i have to be 100% financially independent and i am living out.
I can see from their point of view about that, and they should help you but maybe they want you to be independent? i am not sure. but it is very wrong how they get angry at you. Worst comes to worst get a summer job, earn some money and then you should be able to cover some stuff. And it alsos hows your parents you are committed.
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