My father said no!

I'm 23 and my soon-to-be fiancé is 27. He's from Sudan and comes from a traditional Muslim family, like my own.

We've known each other since our teens. We went to the same school, lost contact, but by chance went to the same University.

I introduced him to my parents a year ago. My mother thinks the world of him, but he has never been able to get on my father's good side.

This past Friday my fiancé asked my father for my hand in marriage and he said no, "never".

We do not know what to do. We're not sure whether our faith allows us to bypass my father's decision.

What do we do?

Reply 1

troubadour.

Original post by Anonymous

Sit down with your father and ask him what his problem is? That seems to me to be a good starting point.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Hydeman

Sit down with your father and ask him what his problem is? That seems to me to be a good starting point.

This is a good idea, but I shudder to think what will happen if he is adamant.

I love my fiancé very much and I will not be able to let him go.

Reply 3

troubadour.

Original post by Anonymous

This is a good idea, but I shudder to think what will happen if he is adamant.

I love my fiancé very much and I will not be able to let him go.

Well, I don't know how it squares with your religious beliefs but, in that situation, my advice would be to go ahead with it regardless. The most you can be expected to do is to try; you can't be expected to live at your father's pleasure.

Reply 4

accno1

Go ahead with it. Yes there may be some afterlife but for the life of me, excuse the pun, I don't know why people don't make the most of this life, it's the only concrete certain life - one where you'll wake up every morning and breathe.

At the end of the day your God would want you to be happy and if he doesn't, he's not worth a second of your time. Deal with that later, live the real life.

Reply 5

Reue

It's not your father you'll be living with, having children with and growing old together with.

Tell him you're getting married to that man and he can either accept it or no longer be as involved in your life.

Personally I asked for my partners parents 'blessing' to ask her to marry me... because id have still done it regardless.

Reply 6

Palak Pandya

TALK that's the only thing by which you can came to know what's the matter is?
Why your father is declining? Don't ask directly what the matter is. But talk with your father for another topic. Feel him comfortable (father are always comfortable to talk but here it sense like make him in that mood that he will answer all the question you asks).
Don't be selfish like you are discussing with your father just because you want answer of your question, Just be natural as its your own father.

Hope it Works, Best luck.
Palak Pandya.

Reply 7

CCC75

Give your dad a little time to think things through. Maybe ask your mom or another respected family member to speak to your dad. If you're not planning to get married immediately, this doesn't have to become an imminent showdown.

Carry on as you were. When the time for marriage comes re-approach the issue with dad in stages - maybe with you testing the ground before sending fiancèe forward. Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to marry will be yours and your partners.

Reply 8

FluffyCherry

Original post by Anonymous

Firstly:
It is not permissible for a man to marry a woman without the permission of her wali (guardian)

The Prophet (PBUH) said:
“There should be no nikaah (marriage contract) except with a wali (guardian).”

And the Hadith:
“Any woman who gets married without the permission of her wali, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. If her husband has consummated the marriage, then the mahr belongs to her in return for that. If she does not have a wali then the (Muslim) ruler is the wali of anyone who does not have a wali.”

Secondly:
If your wali prevents you from marrying the person you want WITH NO SHAR'I reason for doing so, the guardianship passes to someone else who fits to be a wali, so it may pass from your father to your grandfather, for instance.

Terms and conditions to become a wali include:
a) A male
b) Has reached puberty and mature
c) A Muslim
d) Just and not fasiq (someone who violates Islamic law)
e) Not in ihram
f) A free man (not a slave)
g) Has no visual impairment (due to old age) which may impair eyesight.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 9

hoping4Astars

You need to respect your father's wishes. Don't make such a big decision without his approval. If he doesn't like your husband, you should aim to find one that better fits his preferences.

Reply 10

hejraat

Original post by Hydeman

@OP, ^what Hyde man said was fair BUT
I do think you should first try to convince your father before going against him, tell him how you feel

Reply 11

username1133132

There is no compulsion in religion...

have you thought of doing istikhara???

Reply 12

anosmianAcrimony

Original post by FluffyCherry

Firstly:
It is not permissible for a man to marry a woman without the permission of her wali (guardian)

The Prophet (PBUH) said:
“There should be no nikaah (marriage contract) except with a wali (guardian).”

And the Hadith:
“Any woman who gets married without the permission of her wali, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. If her husband has consummated the marriage, then the mahr belongs to her in return for that. If she does not have a wali then the (Muslim) ruler is the wali of anyone who does not have a wali.”

Secondly:
If your wali prevents you from marrying the person you want WITH NO SHAR'I reason for doing so, the guardianship passes to someone who is fits to be a wali, so it may pass from your father to your grandfather, for instance.

Terms and conditions to become a wali include:
a) A male
b) Has reached puberty and mature
c) A Muslim
d) Just and not fasiq (someone who violates Islamic law)
e) Not in ihram
f) A free man (not a slave)
g) Has no visual impairment (due to old age) which may impair eyesight.

Wow, what utter garbage

Reply 13

DrSocSciences

Well, whilst I decline to dismiss the above as "garbage", it's pretty shocking that it's impossible to be in charge of your own life by the age of 23yrs old. It's a curious contradiction: in my culture, that would equate with failed parenting (in failing to instil a sense of independence), but in the OP's, it seems to be a symptom of a parent who believes his conduct is exemplary.

Reply 14

Plantagenet Crown

Am I the only one that after reading the thread title and OP thought of Magic!'s song, rude?

"Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life, say yes, say yes, cos I need to know"

You say I'll never get your blessing till the day I die, tough luck my friend, but the answer is no!"

Reply 15

dancing sloth

Original post by Anonymous

This past Friday my fiancé asked my father for my hand in marriage and he said no, "never".

This happens surprisingly often (certainly not limited to one religion/social group).
It happened to my sister.
Over time (shortish) my dad just accepted that it would happen and gave way.

Do not antagonise your Dad. Give him lots of hugs (if he's the huggy type) and explain that you do know he has your best interests at heart.
THEN ask why he is saying no.
(The reasons may be good, so worth listening. But more likely not good, in which case he's going to have trouble explaining.)

Main thing, give your Dad time to get used to the idea and don't back him into a corner where it's tricky for him to change his mind without looking weak.

If things haven't moved forward in six months, it may be time for a different strategy.
Good luck :goodluck: