I don't love her anymore, When to end it? really need someone to talk to Watch

Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 3 years ago
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Would really appreciate any advice anyone could offer. I'v really been struggling not having anyone to talk to about this in real life and honestly feel like it's overwhelming me and not helping my mental health. I'm sorry if this post ends up a little long, I just need to vent so please feel free to not read all of it.

I'm a 21 year old guy, and I don't know what to do and how to end my relationship. I guess I should start by saying I have bad anxiety and trouble disappointing people which is why I'v never been much of a 'blunt' person.

I have absolutely no feelings for my girlfriend any more. There are many factors that contributed to this and if i tried to explain it all this would be too long for anyone to tolerate reading, so i'll just have to get to the point.
We started dating 5 years ago, broke up for 2 and a half years in between, before getting back together this year. In the time we were apart, we had no contact with each other, she had ended our relationship in quite a cruel way and i'll admit it was hard, but eventually i moved on with my life and grew up. then she emailed me out of the blue 2 years later, this january claiming she wanted to be 'friends', but it soon became clear she wanted to reestablish a romantic relationship. I was uncomfortable with it, i felt she was trying to move too fast but I didn't know how to say no so we ended up in a relationship again. To be fair, after 2 + years apart we had both grown up quite a bit and as adults our relationship was much better that it was previously and I was completely in love with her.

But I'v found that my girlfriend can be quite an emotionally manipulative and needy person. She also has a very strong 'i'm a victim', and sometimes controlling mentality which i find very off-putting. Sometimes she behaves badly to others and comes to me seeking my support only to get angry when I gently try to explain to her that she was in the wrong. 3 months ago she behaved in an incredibly hurtful way to me and that was the final nail in the coffin really because it destroyed any chance of me ever loving her again. She has been regretful since then and expressed a lot of remorse for her behaviour but I just havent been able to make my feelings come back and I'v tried so hard. I dont want to not love her, i feel so horrible and miserable and i'v spent the past 3 months willing all the love and affection i felt for her to come back, but all i feel is indifference.

I feel like we've planned our future together, I never once imagined I would be with anyone other than her and she believes we're going to be married/have a family etc. I think some part of her realizes that the damage has been done and my feelings have changed because she's become very desperate and needy recently and in denial, and it's my fault too because i dont have the courage to end it. Part of that is also due to an event coming up which makes me scared to break up with her yet.

She's not someone i'm attracted to anymore emotionally.
let me just say that I dont want to paint a bad image of her. truth is she's not a bad person and can be remarkably kind. she has flaws just like everyone does, but the love that allowed me to put up with some of her behaviour in the past is gone. My honest opinion is that she just has a lot of growing up to do. I don't feel like I'm dating an adult, you know?

Aside from that, I guess I'v just realized that I dont think we're just not right for each other. we're too different. I want her to be happy, neither of us are bad people- sometimes relationships just dont work out and two people aren't meant to be. She should be with someone compatible with her who loves her and so should I.

I don't enjoy talking to her to the point where I actively dread having to do so. We aren't able to have light normal conversations, every conversation i have with her always seems to end up with all my emotional energy being drained. Being with someone you love is supposed to be much more than having deep emotionally draining conversations 90% of the time or only talking about the future, there's not much in between, no sense of realism. I want to be with someone I can just go out with, and explore new things with, and cook with and just be laid back with. I think it took me so long to realize because she's my first serious relationship and so I guess i never realized that healthy relationships aren't supposed to be so emotionally draining. Surely it's not normal for every conversation with your partner to be so exhausting to the point where you dread talking with them?

I want to end the relationship, it feels so wrong to be in a relationship with someone i dont love and it's not fair to her to lead her on. I'll also mention we don't have sex anymore because i didn't want to feel like i was using her for sex when i dont love her anymore. I'm also incapable of feeling sexual attraction for someone i'm not emotionally attracted to.

As it stands, I know I have to end it. The issue right now is that 4 months ago we booked plane tickets to go and spend christmas together with my family in Canada. It's the first time she'll be meeting my family, everyone's so excited for it, my parents cant wait to meet her in person. (I'm a dual national, live in the UK but family is in canada) its the only thing thats stopped me from breaking things off yet because i dont know if its fair to do so right now, and i really wish i had realized my feelings before we'd arranged everything.

we're due to fly out next week and i just dont think i can break things off right now and i'm planning to do so after the trip. Part of me is also hoping that our time together in canada might help/my feelings will magically come back. (we're in a LDR because she studies in Wales and I'm in London so we only get to be together in person every so often)
Everything's already been booked and arranged so far in advance and another issue is that I'v already met her parents who i really like/care about and vice versa. Her dad and I are actually good friends and we always keep in contact especially whenever he's in london. All of that just adds to my feelings of guilt, i feel scared of disappointing them. They're all lovely people and i just wish i could make my feelings come back for everyone's sake. Logically i know i have no reason to feel guilty for not being in love with someone, but i do feel guilty for not having the courage to break things off.

I just don't know how to handle this situation, i'v honestly been sinking into depression. I care a lot about her and I dont want to hurt her, but I also feel like it's not fair for me to be in a relationship that makes me feel so emotionally drained all the time. and its not fair for her to be with someone that doesn't love her. I just feel the need to vent because i feel like i dont have anyone irl to talk to about it. I obviously cant talk to her yet and i dont feel like i can talk to my close friend or parents about it either because i dont think it would be fair to her if they knew about it when she's going to be there with me visiting.

The worst part is the fact that i'm actually diagnosed with clinical depression and sometimes its not always easy to know what feelings are standalone or caused by my depression - thats another reason i'v been holding it off so long because part of me is scared it's my depression making me apathetic and i might end up regretting it.

I just dont know.

Sorry you had to read that long dribble if you did
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xnatlax
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Maybe tell her you need a break because of your mental health; she will have to understand that you need to learn who you are and recover a little bit before you can make clear decisions. Tell her you need time.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by xnatlax)
Maybe tell her you need a break because of your mental health; she will have to understand that you need to learn who you are and recover a little bit before you can make clear decisions. Tell her you need time.
Hey thank you for your reply
Do you think i should tell her before the trip next week? Or should I wait until we're both back afterwards?
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xnatlax
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Well it depends, did she pay for the trip? If no explain to your parents and maybe see what they say too. She'd be more upset I imagine if she paid and it'll turn out you dont want her there. But then she may not want to be wasting her time with somebody who doesn't love her? You know her well so you can decide depending on her character.

You might not want to break up with her completely if your mind isn't in the right place at the moment just in case in a few months you realise it was just your depression speaking. But if you're sure and you know that she's detrimental to your recovery, then it's nothing to even think about. You'll get better soon, keep your chin up!
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Findlay6
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I was in a relationship for 6 years - he was hopelessly in love with me and I was with him, but eventually we grew into different people and I fell out of love with him and could no longer see a future with him. Scared of leaving/hurting him I stayed with him, unhappy, hoping that feelings would return. They didn't and it wasn't until two of our friends were getting married that a discussion about future came up, I was honest and said that I couldn't see a future with him. It hurt both of us badly, he was my best friend, but I wanted him to be with someone who truly enjoyed his presence.

You can't control your feelings and five years is a long time. 16 - 21 is such a big time for growing and developing our selves.

I'd say because the trip is booked and pre-planned, wait until after. Ruining her Christmas will eat away at you and she's entitled to enjoy herself and the experience especially if she's paid for it. Think of it as one of those good memories, perhaps a change of scenery will bring back some feeling. If on your return you still feel indifferent, then it's a case of being honest. You're not happy, or in the right state of mind to focus on anybody other than yourself. Thinking about a concrete future is scary when you're only 21. You want her to be with somebody who can give her everything, not half.

It will be hard and painful and watching her cry will destroy you, but this is life, and you will both learn from it and recover.
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Bigbosshead
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A wise man once told me that:

Life is like a box of chocolates, u never know what ur gonna get...
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by xnatlax)
Well it depends, did she pay for the trip? If no explain to your parents and maybe see what they say too. She'd be more upset I imagine if she paid and it'll turn out you dont want her there. But then she may not want to be wasting her time with somebody who doesn't love her? You know her well so you can decide depending on her character.

You might not want to break up with her completely if your mind isn't in the right place at the moment just in case in a few months you realise it was just your depression speaking. But if you're sure and you know that she's detrimental to your recovery, then it's nothing to even think about. You'll get better soon, keep your chin up!
Thanks so much for replying and for all your advice, I really appreciate it

We both paid half and half for her flight tickets (around £400 each). We're supposed to be spending the holiday at my parents house but we might only be staying with them a few days and spending the remaining time at a hotel. If so, she'll be paying for the hotel costs since her parents offered to give her the money for it.

I really appreciate your advice of taking a break as opposed to breaking up fully. I think that would be good and give the chance to make sure it's not my depression speaking since I'v just changed my antidepressant medication and it should kick in in a few weeks.

If I tell her I want a break now, i think for her that would be as good as breaking up. The trip obviously won't happen, it wouldn't be fair on her and might be awkward. But it just feels so wrong to cancel everything when it's just next week, it feels like everything's a bit of a lose-lose situation.
But you are definitely right though, even though it might be a good idea to just take a break, i really don't think I can ever love her again and i really dont think our relationship is good for my mental health so I guess i shouldn't feel guilty about ending it. I just wish this stupid trip wasn't in the mix, it's the only thing that has made this into a complicated nightmare. I just struggle a lot with anxiety, not wanting to hurt/disappoint people and I just feel like I would be a horrible person, disappoint her family, upset her before christmas etc. *sigh* I'll figure it out I hope.

Anyway thank you so much for reading and offering your advice
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Findlay6)
I was in a relationship for 6 years - he was hopelessly in love with me and I was with him, but eventually we grew into different people and I fell out of love with him and could no longer see a future with him. Scared of leaving/hurting him I stayed with him, unhappy, hoping that feelings would return. They didn't and it wasn't until two of our friends were getting married that a discussion about future came up, I was honest and said that I couldn't see a future with him. It hurt both of us badly, he was my best friend, but I wanted him to be with someone who truly enjoyed his presence.

You can't control your feelings and five years is a long time. 16 - 21 is such a big time for growing and developing our selves.

I'd say because the trip is booked and pre-planned, wait until after. Ruining her Christmas will eat away at you and she's entitled to enjoy herself and the experience especially if she's paid for it. Think of it as one of those good memories, perhaps a change of scenery will bring back some feeling. If on your return you still feel indifferent, then it's a case of being honest. You're not happy, or in the right state of mind to focus on anybody other than yourself. Thinking about a concrete future is scary when you're only 21. You want her to be with somebody who can give her everything, not half.

It will be hard and painful and watching her cry will destroy you, but this is life, and you will both learn from it and recover.
Gosh, thank you so so much for your reply and for sharing your story. reading that really helped, it really helped to see someone with a similar experience. I'm so sorry you went through that and things had to happen that way. I guess it's a real sign of maturity when you are able to admit that you can't control your feelings and it's be honest with your partner. I share the exact same feelings of not wanting to hurt her/wanting desperately to be someone who enjoys her presence and loves her unconditionally. It's not fair for either of us to be in this relationship.
Reading your response has really given me the courage to be honest with her and end things so that we can both move on and I can take care of my mental health.

You're right about the trip, and i'm going to take your advice. That's whats been eating me up the most, the thought of ruining christmas/destroying her happiness at a time that's supposed to be happy. I guess it will also be the last chance to see for sure if it will bring back any feelings or if I'll still be the same after we get back. You're right, she should be with someone who cant give her complete love and affection, not half. I will just try and keep it together for the sake of this trip and having one last good memory together and I'll be honest with her after.

Thanks again
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Findlay6
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Gosh, thank you so so much for your reply and for sharing your story. reading that really helped, it really helped to see someone with a similar experience. I'm so sorry you went through that and things had to happen that way. I guess it's a real sign of maturity when you are able to admit that you can't control your feelings and it's be honest with your partner. I share the exact same feelings of not wanting to hurt her/wanting desperately to be someone who enjoys her presence and loves her unconditionally. It's not fair for either of us to be in this relationship.
Reading your response has really given me the courage to be honest with her and end things so that we can both move on and I can take care of my mental health.

You're right about the trip, and i'm going to take your advice. That's whats been eating me up the most, the thought of ruining christmas/destroying her happiness at a time that's supposed to be happy. I guess it will also be the last chance to see for sure if it will bring back any feelings or if I'll still be the same after we get back. You're right, she should be with someone who cant give her complete love and affection, not half. I will just try and keep it together for the sake of this trip and having one last good memory together and I'll be honest with her after.

Thanks again
I'm not going to sit here and tell you it'll be easy, because it was so hard for me! This was about 2 years ago now and I'm in a much better place now, I was able to mature, meet my current partner and I'm pretty happy, and although I don't speak to him now, I can see that he's happy and much more suited to his new gf. Win-win.
Being with him made me realise what I wanted from a partner and life, it wasn't a waste of time and I don't regret any of it. We shared many good memories.

Good luck!
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