Grandmas death/ Think I have lost one of my closest friends *sighs* Watch
So basically. I am having a very hard time ATM. My grandma has recently just died, I didn't even find out until 10 days after she passed away because my uncle never told me and in the end found out by one of her friends. He then emotionally blackmailed me saying I can't have anything do with the funeral or attend, despite the fact I know she would want me there (since I am the only child of her daughter, which my mother passed away from when I was 9), unless I pay for it fully - despite the fact he has just came into a lot of money. He then decided to bring up the past and cause trouble between me and my dad then has the cheek to say that all I care about is her money.. When I have never asked for anything off her but he has and even stopped talking to her for years.
As you can guess, this has took its toll on me.. I lost my grandad Ken when I was around 5, mother when I was 9, my grandad a year later, my Nan a few years later and now my grandma and I'm only 22 years old with my dad as my only family member now alive (don't get me wrong.. I know people are in worse situations but its still hard.) I am in bits and I feel so angry...
Now about my friend.. I think he's basically took the blunt of it. I have feelings for him and he's just came out of a long term relationship and when he's flirting with other girls -- I get really jealous. I don't have the right to be, but I genuinely have never got on with someone as much as I do him. We get on like a house on fire in every aspect and we do have a great connection..
I have to admit, when he was still with his girlfriend, we kissed a few times but he ended up dumping her when he said he realised he just wants to be single and she was emotionally blackmailing him and how he stopped talking to a lot of people because of her .. I feel guilty hugely about this and I know it is wrong on both sides :/ I understand how he's just came out of a long term relationship but when I get drunk, that's when I start not understanding..
I start feeling used, (we have kissed again since then, been for a meal, stopped round each other's house and genuinely spent a lot more time together) and then when I see him trying to get with someone we both work with, it does upset me.. Anyway, I have kicked off around 3 times when I have had a drink in one way or another and I think last night was the final toll on it.. 😔 I ended up snapping and walking away then sending him texts saying how he doesn't care about me, (done this before as well). He asked me what my problem was, that he was not in a relationship with me and all he's done wrong is been drunk. Still, a bit drunk.. I told him I had feelings for him, why I am being why I am etc - which I regret massively since I then saw a snapchat saying "ffs. I miss you so much." Which is clearly about his ex. I felt so guilty and apologised immediately what I sent..
I don't think he's happy with me and he now seems distant with me. He did message me back earlier saying he will reply back to my essays later on but he hasn't?? (I did tell him to ignore them tbh :/) I have apologised since then but I think I have really upset him.. I was mean to him and then I drop a bombshell like that when I know the timing is wrong on both parties..
I know in a way that it was best to tell him, and I know it was right for me to be honest but I could of done it better.. I think if anything I just need someone right now and clinged onto him because he was the closest to me.. All this hasn't helped with my grandmas death as well, and ATM, I feel so inadequate and useless and like I'm not worth it (a lot of people have used me in the past, and walked away when I need them the most as well)..
not only this but I seemed to have develop really bad anxiety as well.. I have had the past week off work and don't even have the decency to ring them up myself and got my dad to do it since I am on the verge of panic attacks, feeling sick, shaking and getting pins and needles in my hands. They wanted to talk to me earlier directly, so I and just burst into tears on the phone..
I am going to the doctors tomorrow since I know I need some time off work to concentrate on myself and my health and time with my family (I live around 2 hours away from them). My aunty has offered to go with me.
I just want to know.. You think my friend might forgive me?? I'm going to give him his space and leave it for a while... We work together as well.. I need to get myself better first if I am honest. Plus, will I ever find closure on my grandmas death?? Because right now I feel so empty, numb and angry all at once.
Sorry for long reply, but really do hope someone does reply...
im very sleepy rn so i can't read and my brain ain't functioning BUT
i will watch this thread so i can reply tomorrow
all i can say from reading the title is i'm sorry for your loss but i know your grandma wouldn't want you to be upset and you should celebrate her life and achievements more than mourning her loss even though it's perfectly fine to do the latter
i wish you the best of luck and i'll be back tomorrow with a better reply
hope someone else replies too!
Poor you, to have so many losses. I also just lost my paternal grandma several months ago, and the terrible was: I have been away from her for nearly 1 year coz coming to UK for my study, all the times when she was in hospitals, being treated...everybody hided from me, only after he death several days then I received a call, but you know what? Even at that time I was heart-broken but could not do anything as I booked my return ticket for some weeks after that and I couldn't go instantly due to the super expensive flight tickets, and moreover, I did not receive my uni degree so I could not leave UK. I came back several weeks after that, she was already buried....And some of my relatives who has problems with/hate my family looked at me as a pervert, the worst, undutiful person and anything worse you can think of....The only difference between you and my story is that I already broke up with my foreign gf, in pain also, some months before that...
Your grandma passed away, I'm so sorry for that, you should see her, and talked to her, even whatever happened....And about your male pal, I think you can leave him for a while, what you should think is that about your REAL feelings for him, are they realistic or just more than casual emotions? Let me tell you this, you should think carefully, coz if you two get into relationship, then you don't know what may change, how things go in future, and you can even lose a good friend forever.
Best wishes, be strong