Is this an issue or am I making it one?

Firstly, my girlfriend rarely makes effort to make conversation. She rarely asks questions like 'How are you?', 'How's your day been' etc. and she's admitted herself that I make much more effort in conversation than she does. It makes me feel as if I'm bothering her or I'm not really appreciated (she doesn't seem to care about my day-to-day life).

Secondly when we're having a quick fire chat, with quick replies and stuff sometimes she'll just leave to go out or something and leave me there. She doesn't even tell me she's going she'll just leave. Even a 'Going out for a bit, talk later' would make me happy. We don't get loads of opportunities to talk back and forth like that because we're both at uni in a LDR. I just find it a bit rude because I enjoy our chats like that and she'll just see my reply and disappear (sometimes for most of the day) without taking 15 seconds to tell me we'll talk later on.

Are these issues or am I making them issues?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

When I say 'sometimes she'll just leave' I mean almost all of the time.

Reply 2

Mayhem™

They are clear issues; you need to talk to your girlfriend about communication.

Reply 3

mhsc

Don't know your girlfriend but whenever I've treated anyone like that before its because I wasn't interested in them anymore but didn't feel I should break up with them right then (it would be a bad time for them for it to happen etc)

Reply 4

username1726117

Let me tell you something, communication is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT in a relationship. This is one thing young people don't seem to get, and one thing that used to frustrate me to no end.

Talk to her. Tell her you're unhappy with it and that she needs to work on improving. Heck, if you love each other that much, seek relationship counselling. Otherwise, you'd be right in thinking she isn't that interested/invested and it might be time to call it quits.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Okay so I confronted her about it, here's the exact messages:

ME:
Basically I feel like the effort in our relationship is substantially one sided and that there's an ingrained lack of basic respect. I just don't feel like I'm appreciated here at all a lot of the time.

You almost never compliment me. And most of the time you comment on me its negative. ('You look Asian there!', 'I swear your d*cks gotten smaller', 'You don't look Mexican'). As well as things like 'Why do you get so drunk? You must not be happy'.. Yet you say very little positive things about me.

Also (the biggest issue) the conversation is almost always made by me.. Apart from you asking if I slept well, you almost never ask questions about my day, what I've been up to, how I'm feeling, how things are going etc. Even if you scroll up to our chat today it's mostly make making points, all you tend to do is reply with statements without even trying to make conversation and it's like this every day.. It's like you have no interest in my day or how I am at all.. The only time you ask how my day is or anything like that is if I ask first..

And lastly things like when we're having a good back and forth chat and then you just disappear for 5 hours without even saying you're going or bye to me.. That's rude and shows lack of respect.. It's like 'I don't care if I just disappear and he's wondering where I've gone, or if he cares to know when I'll be back'..

And these are all things I've brought up before but nothing has changed.. Even recently you've admitted to purposely not complimenting me, and a few days ago you admitted it was me who put effort into conversation and yet nothing has changed.

HER:

I understand tho what you're saying, I dunno.. You know at times I som feel appreciated by you and I feel like you forget me and discard me and how I'd feel,especially when you got drunk with the guys you act so differently when you're drunk and it bothers me and I feel more distanced...every time you drink I feel more pushed away becuz there's always negatives to it and I know you'll be not nice or disrespectful in some way whether that's not listening to me properly or just being mean (I know you're not always like that when you're drunk) but I naturally distance myself and don't try harder, that's why.

Even though when I pressed her to explain how she feels discarded she couldn't explain.. and when I'm drunk I'm maybe a little less affectionate over text etc. but never outright rude or insulting. I just feel like she's making excuses for her lack or respect or effort.

Reply 6

Tabstercat

would say she's probably cheating on you

Reply 7

PinkAcid

sounds like shes not interested anymore and shes just searching at straws to justify it when called out and turn it around on you. probably too comfortable with you to leave as youre low effort (LDR and you make all the effort) and be on her own or find someone new but feels secure that even if you complain she thinks you wont leave her if she doesn't make enough effort

Reply 8

Zweihander

Original post by Anonymous

Go non contact on her.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 9

Zweihander

Original post by Tabstercat

would say she's probably cheating on you

strong powers of deduction

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by PinkAcid

Original post by Zweihander

Go non contact on her.

I've decided I'm probably going to break up with her, thanks for the advice. Now's a bad time because I have exams starting in a week. Maybe I should leave it until after? I'm not sure.

Reply 11

bumblebee342

Original post by Anonymous

I've decided I'm probably going to break up with her, thanks for the advice. Now's a bad time because I have exams starting in a week. Maybe I should leave it until after? I'm not sure.

If you're not happy I wouldn't recommend letting it go on any longer, you'll carry on thinking about the problems you guys have, which can be just as distracting as finishing things

Reply 12

earthworm

Original post by Tabstercat

would say she's probably cheating on you

Bit of a strech. Does look like LDR isnt working well tho.

Reply 13

Tabstercat

Original post by Zweihander

strong powers of deduction

Original post by earthworm

Bit of a strech. Does look like LDR isnt working well tho.

seen this situation a million times and every time it's been the same story lol

Reply 14

Zarek

All a bit angst ridden really. Relationships are meant to be fun. Probably best to knock it on the head.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Original post by Tabstercat

seen this situation a million times and every time it's been the same story lol

Original post by Zarek

All a bit angst ridden really. Relationships are meant to be fun. Probably best to knock it on the head.

Original post by earthworm

Bit of a strech. Does look like LDR isnt working well tho.

Original post by Zweihander

strong powers of deduction

Original post by PinkAcid

I've been speaking to her about it. She's just admitted to purposely not complimenting me on anything because she doesn't want me to get 'too confident'. Is it just me or is that all kinds of ****ed up?

Reply 16

Zweihander

Original post by Anonymous

wtf does that mean?

tell her to quit playing games with you, you're not children.

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

Original post by Zweihander

wtf does that mean?

tell her to quit playing games with you, you're not children.

It's like she's intentionally acting in such a way as to manipulate and suppress my self-esteem and confidence. Is this in any way normal?

Reply 18

Zweihander

Original post by Anonymous

It's like she's intentionally acting in such a way as to manipulate and suppress my self-esteem and confidence. Is this in any way normal?

Mate, you do not want to be in a relationship where your other half is playing games with you - it's waaaay too much hassle.

Tell her that her comment makes it sounds like she's playing games, and she needs to stop, otherwise it's over. There's noting unreasonable about not wanting to be played.

A relationship where other half is trying to manipulate you is not a healthy relationship.

Reply 19

username1726117

I suggest talking to her one last time, if you truly want this to work. Otherwise, bail. If you choose the former option, you *need* to make your requirements known. You want communication. You want to feel valued. You want to feel loved. Her excuse about now wanting you to feel "too confident" is utterly ridiculous.

Take it from me, buddy. I was in a relationship where I did an awful lot for my girlfriend and she never, ever made me feel valued. I never once felt attractive in the entire three years we were together, and we constantly had communication issues because she was unwilling to solve them. I was far from the perfect partner, I made so many stupid and arrogant mistakes, but I learned with the benefit of perspective and hindsight. You won't want to be in such a relationship, it's very emotionally draining.