Long-term Relationship & Uni

Where do I start - I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now and am going to Uni this september. My boyfriend wants to go to whatever uni I am going to and has applied to all the choices I had chosen. However he even said that if he does not get accepted, he'll go away with me anyway and get a local job so that he can be with me. As devoted as this sounds, it kinda scares me. I want him to choose himself where he goes and do what he wants to do career-wise as I know exactly what sort of career I want and I plan to go for it, which will mean a lot of travelling after uni and a lot of hard work over the years.

During the first two years of our relationship I was totally devoted to him but now I kind of feel like I need some space. I love him but am not entirely sure that I am in love with him anymore. Sometimes I feel like I just want to be on my own as that way more opportunities will be open for me. He is basically my best friend and we do everything together so I would miss him if that stopped. I had tried twice in the past few months to break it off but he cried down the phone telling me how much he loved me and that he would do anything for me, which broke my heart that I couldn't leave him. But his whole life seems evolved around me and I don't like that. I don't think he would go to uni at all if it weren't for me, even though he insists he really wants to do this course. I'm just afraid that if I drag him along he'll hate the course and hate not seeing me much as at the moment I only have time to see him fri & sat nights as I'm so busy with work elsewise.

I'm also afraid that if I break up with him now, he'll decide he won't want to go to uni dispite telling me he wants to. He is also quite jealous and doesn't like one of my male friends at all, and suggests how I might find someone better than him. But I don't want someone else, I just want to be able to evolve my life around my own choices, not compromising with others (as selfish as that sounds). Also he is the only guy I have ever been with so I can't help but feel that I don't want to be with just this one guy for the rest of my life. Though I think that if I had met him much later in life when I have my career sorted, we'd probably be together for the rest of our lives.

I don't know what to do. I am even beginning to find other guys attractive and keep making excuses not to have sex with my boyfriend anymore. I love him so much it hurts but I also want my freedom. We have to put down our first choices soon so I need to decide before we do that, as I know he'll only choose the same one as me.

Reply 1

shona

10

So, in a nutshell, you don't love him anymore and want to leave him, but are finding it tough to go through with it?

He might find it difficult to cope with now, but in the long run, it's kinder to break up with him now if you really don't see a future together. I know how hard it is to leave someone you know is completely in love with you, but I know that if that love is one sided, you don't have much choice.

Just remember that if you break up with him now, you're probably going to have to write off any sort of relationship with him. Possibly forever. He's not going to take it well, and you're kidding yourself if you think he'll settle for just being your friend, especially if/when you find another boyfriend.

Just be sure. Then do it.

Reply 2

username47781

20

shona

So, in a nutshell, you don't love him anymore and want to leave him, but are finding it tough to go through with it?

He might find it difficult to cope with now, but in the long run, it's kinder to break up with him now if you really don't see a future together. I know how hard it is to leave someone you know is completely in love with you, but I know that if that love is one sided, you don't have much choice.

Just remember that if you break up with him now, you're probably going to have to write off any sort of relationship with him. Possibly forever. He's not going to take it well, and you're kidding yourself if you think he'll settle for just being your friend, especially if/when you find another boyfriend.

Just be sure. Then do it.

Best way to put it I agree. I would end it now and not let it drag out until the time you do go to University. He seems quite clingy which isn't helping at all. At the end of the day you got to go to which uni suits you and so has he.

Reply 3

suicidal_dream

1

it looks like he's only really wanting to go to uni with you, or with you to the area of your uni, so as you cant leave you - he's trying to show you how much he desperately wants to be with you, so i would imagine he's picked up on you not being sure about being with him anymore.

try speaking to him, explaining how maybe him not going to the same uni as you would help you, you would have space but still be with him, maybe then you'll know and understand exactly how you feel!

Reply 4

spacecowgirl89

1

I think you need to sit your boyfriend down and have a serious talk with him. The fact that he's smothering you and not letting you have any personal space - jealousy etc - is probably making you feel like you don't want to be around him. You've got to make it clear that you should do what you want in life, and that just 'cos you're going to uni, even if you go to different unis, it doesn't mean that your relationship will definitely break up. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is just insecure and doesn't want to lose you and doesn't realise how much he's smothering you.

You need to take some time out and step back from spending all your time with him. Only when you're away from him completely will you know if you really do love him or if you're just staying with him out of habit.

Also he is the only guy I have ever been with so I can't help but feel that I don't want to be with just this one guy for the rest of my life.

It's perfectly normal to think that - I think everyone who's been in a relationship for a while has had that thought at some point or another - I know I have, and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend has too.

At the end of the day, you need to do what's right for you, talk to him and if he just won't back off then maybe you need to break up with him. Sometimes love just goes stale. I was in a long term relationship and my ex stopped loving me and broke up with me even though I was madly in love with him at the time, and it just came out of nowhere. But he never gave me a chance to change, he pointed out all the things I'd done wrong in our relationship but he'd never actually spoken to me about them.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe make him see that you're separate people and need to leave separate lives 'cos you're only young first, and then if he still doesn't get it and you feel smothered and like you don't love him, then you should break it off.

Long-term Relationship & Uni

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