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Telling Girlfriend About A Dodgy Past
I've been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 6 months now but I haven't told her about the fact that I have a criminal record and have been in prison (young offenders really).
That's all behind me now and I haven't been in any trouble since. I was seeing someone else for a while after I got out and she dropped me when I told her about all that stuff so I have managed to avoid saying anything about it but it gets harder as time goes by and now she is meeting some of my mates who know and that.
How would you react if you were told something like that - I know Ihave to tell her but at the same time it's harder now because I'm guessing she's gonna wonder why I didn't tell her earlier.
That's all behind me now and I haven't been in any trouble since. I was seeing someone else for a while after I got out and she dropped me when I told her about all that stuff so I have managed to avoid saying anything about it but it gets harder as time goes by and now she is meeting some of my mates who know and that.
How would you react if you were told something like that - I know Ihave to tell her but at the same time it's harder now because I'm guessing she's gonna wonder why I didn't tell her earlier.
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Maybe you should wait until you are completely comfortable with her.
Well its quite a big thing so I'm sure she'd understand why you didnt tell her straight away - you wanted to wait till you knew it was quite serious before you told her such important stuff about your past. As long as you make it clear that its in your past and you're not going to get involved in stuff like that again she should hopefully understand...
Its difficult and she will probably look at you differently (thats inevitable), but at the same time 6 months is a long time and you will have hopefully shown her that your criminal past is not something thats going to come up again. Make it clear you really care about her and that you didnt tell her straight away because its not something you like to share with just anyone.
Its difficult and she will probably look at you differently (thats inevitable), but at the same time 6 months is a long time and you will have hopefully shown her that your criminal past is not something thats going to come up again. Make it clear you really care about her and that you didnt tell her straight away because its not something you like to share with just anyone.
Like you said, I think she would be annoyed/hurt that you didnt tell her about it before. But try and reassure her it was because you didnt want to jeopardise things and that its all in the past. My boyfriend told me something similar, (although he told me straight away) and I have to say it did make me see him differently, because of the sort of crime it was (violent). I wouldnt say it has had a negative effect on our relationship though, sometimes I think of it and think "Oh God, I cant believe he was capable of something like that) but I still love him and I know hes a different person now.
To sum up, if your gf really cares about you I'm sure she'll be OK with it. Good luck
To sum up, if your gf really cares about you I'm sure she'll be OK with it. Good luck
hixey101
wait until it comes up in conversation, just dont lie!
Lol how would it come up in conversation?!
*watching tv and there is news about youth crime*
"Oh, I've been to a young offenders institute and I've got a criminal record too!"
...
Say that you want to talk to her about your past and ask her not to judge you too harshly for it. You were young and stupid but are a changed man!
Anonymous
Like you said, I think she would be annoyed/hurt that you didnt tell her about it before. But try and reassure her it was because you didnt want to jeopardise things and that its all in the past. My boyfriend told me something similar, (although he told me straight away) and I have to say it did make me see him differently, because of the sort of crime it was (violent). I wouldnt say it has had a negative effect on our relationship though, sometimes I think of it and think "Oh God, I cant believe he was capable of something like that) but I still love him and I know hes a different person now.
To sum up, if your gf really cares about you I'm sure she'll be OK with it. Good luck
To sum up, if your gf really cares about you I'm sure she'll be OK with it. Good luck
I dont know if she would be annoyed, I mean there are some things that you wouldnt share with just anyone and you want to wait a while before you want to completely open up about your history. And you would hope that she would understand that. Telling someone something like this straight away can completely put you off them and not let you even give the relationship a chance, because early on you dont know if they've actually changed or not.
Obviously anon here you are an exception and it worked out really well
clonboy
I've been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 6 months now but I haven't told her about the fact that I have a criminal record and have been in prison (young offenders really).
That's all behind me now and I haven't been in any trouble since. I was seeing someone else for a while after I got out and she dropped me when I told her about all that stuff so I have managed to avoid saying anything about it but it gets harder as time goes by and now she is meeting some of my mates who know and that.
How would you react if you were told something like that - I know Ihave to tell her but at the same time it's harder now because I'm guessing she's gonna wonder why I didn't tell her earlier.
That's all behind me now and I haven't been in any trouble since. I was seeing someone else for a while after I got out and she dropped me when I told her about all that stuff so I have managed to avoid saying anything about it but it gets harder as time goes by and now she is meeting some of my mates who know and that.
How would you react if you were told something like that - I know Ihave to tell her but at the same time it's harder now because I'm guessing she's gonna wonder why I didn't tell her earlier.
If I was in your girlfriend's shoes, in a way, I'd understand why you hadn't told me earlier, but I'd still be hurt and upset. I don't think there's any way of avoiding that, really.
I think you should stress the fact that everything happened when you were younger, and you've learnt from your mistakes. How long is it until your offences are considered "spent"? I think that would be a reassuring thing to throw in, if it's not long until your record is considered clean.
After 6 months together, your girlfriend should know you well enough to know if your dodgy past has anything to do with your present together. I know it's scary, but you need to trust her to make that judgement call. Chances are, after she's had some time to think about it all, it won't matter to her.
This is a tough one, even though I can understand why you didn't tell her, I know that if someone did kept something like this from me for six months, I wouldn't be happy. I can safely say that I would be disappointed in them and quite offended that they couldn't tell me before. I know why you haven't told her, and I know that it must be incredibly difficult to do but you have to. She will be hurt, and she might have doubts about your relationship but explain everything to her. Tell her what happened, tell her about the situation with your ex and explain that because of that, you have been scared to tell her. She might be mad at you, upset and have second thoughts but as long as you are honest now, and as long as she cares for you, she should try and move on from it and see how the relationship goes.
I wish you the best of luck, it's a terrible situation to be in but remember that you are a different person now than you were then, you have grown up and moved on from then. It will always be there but everyone has a past, and I firmly believe that nobody should be judged completely on their past. When the right girl comes along, she will accept you for you, and she will accept your past. I just hope this girl understands, it would be a shame for you to miss out on something great over something that happened a long time ago.
I wish you the best of luck, it's a terrible situation to be in but remember that you are a different person now than you were then, you have grown up and moved on from then. It will always be there but everyone has a past, and I firmly believe that nobody should be judged completely on their past. When the right girl comes along, she will accept you for you, and she will accept your past. I just hope this girl understands, it would be a shame for you to miss out on something great over something that happened a long time ago.
Thanks for the advice so far.
I've told her a few lies about things so I didn't have to tell her - like going away travellling for a while to explain the gap in what I was doing.
I nearly told her at one stage when we were watching Prison Break and she was mentioning how she liked the guy in it but I chickened out - I know from talking to her that she has pretty strong views on this type of thing.
It all happened when I got into a fight and attacked somebody who had provoked me but I know I was in the wrong and that's how I ended up where I did but having said that it's 2 years ago now and I have an OK job and am back at college part time and that's going well.
I've told her a few lies about things so I didn't have to tell her - like going away travellling for a while to explain the gap in what I was doing.
I nearly told her at one stage when we were watching Prison Break and she was mentioning how she liked the guy in it but I chickened out - I know from talking to her that she has pretty strong views on this type of thing.
It all happened when I got into a fight and attacked somebody who had provoked me but I know I was in the wrong and that's how I ended up where I did but having said that it's 2 years ago now and I have an OK job and am back at college part time and that's going well.
You have turned your life around, you have moved on from what happened and you are doing something about your future. You have a job, and you are going to college just now, things have come a long way since then. It's your past, it will never go away but it should be what you are doing now that counts, not what you did a couple of years ago. Yes, it's important but if this relationship is going to go anywhere then you two need to talk and be honest with each other about what happened, and how you are both feeling. There is never going to be a "right" time to tell her, you are going to have to make the time. Sit her down and speak to her, no more lies, nothing but honesty. You might be a little late in telling her from her point of view, who knows, but you'll do it when you are good and ready to, thats the main thing.
I am sorry but I would leave you. I am just being honest.
I can imagine how hard it is to tell her, but you have to tell her at some point. Sit down with her and tell her that you feel you have reached this stage in your relationship where you feel you need to be totally honest with her so that you can bring your relationship a new level. THen explain to her why it has been so hard for you to admit to her you had a criminal past, say you didnt want to loose her and wanted to prove to her for some time that you have completely changed and that's all in the past. If it was meantto be, she'd understand
Good luck!
Good luck!
shona
If I was in your girlfriend's shoes, in a way, I'd understand why you hadn't told me earlier, but I'd still be hurt and upset. I don't think there's any way of avoiding that, really.
I think you should stress the fact that everything happened when you were younger, and you've learnt from your mistakes. How long is it until your offences are considered "spent"? I think that would be a reassuring thing to throw in, if it's not long until your record is considered clean.
After 6 months together, your girlfriend should know you well enough to know if your dodgy past has anything to do with your present together. I know it's scary, but you need to trust her to make that judgement call. Chances are, after she's had some time to think about it all, it won't matter to her.
I think you should stress the fact that everything happened when you were younger, and you've learnt from your mistakes. How long is it until your offences are considered "spent"? I think that would be a reassuring thing to throw in, if it's not long until your record is considered clean.
After 6 months together, your girlfriend should know you well enough to know if your dodgy past has anything to do with your present together. I know it's scary, but you need to trust her to make that judgement call. Chances are, after she's had some time to think about it all, it won't matter to her.
Just to say that this is an Irish conviction so it stays on my record forever - although I know it won't be so big a deal after a few years. They don't have anything like the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act here.
What really got me thinking about having to tell her is the fact that she wants us to go to the US on holidays in the Summer and I doubt if I would be able to get a visa so have been saying that I don't think I can afford it etc.
clonboy
Just to say that this is an Irish conviction so it stays on my record forever - although I know it won't be so big a deal after a few years. They don't have anything like the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act here.
What really got me thinking about having to tell her is the fact that she wants us to go to the US on holidays in the Summer and I doubt if I would be able to get a visa so have been saying that I don't think I can afford it etc.
What really got me thinking about having to tell her is the fact that she wants us to go to the US on holidays in the Summer and I doubt if I would be able to get a visa so have been saying that I don't think I can afford it etc.
You don't need to get a visa just to go on holiday, do you?
clonboy
Just to say that this is an Irish conviction so it stays on my record forever - although I know it won't be so big a deal after a few years. They don't have anything like the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act here.
What really got me thinking about having to tell her is the fact that she wants us to go to the US on holidays in the Summer and I doubt if I would be able to get a visa so have been saying that I don't think I can afford it etc.
What really got me thinking about having to tell her is the fact that she wants us to go to the US on holidays in the Summer and I doubt if I would be able to get a visa so have been saying that I don't think I can afford it etc.
A youth conviction stays on your record forever? That's so harsh!
Tell her whenever you're ready.
mangomaz
America you do as far as I know.
I thought you could stay for up to three months without one
Edit: "If you wish to travel to America as a tourist you will not be required to obtain an American Tourist Visa if you plan to travel for less than 3 months and are a citizen of a country with a visa waiver agreement with America." The UK and Ireland are on the list.
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