Boyfriend's Workload

Hi there, I'im really confused at the moment.
I've been with my bf nearly 8 months, but known him 3 years. It's a long distance relationship, I'm at Warwick University, he's still at college, retaking a year, doing a BTEC in London.
Here's the deal, I see him a lot more than he visits me, 1) I have more money than him, and 2) It's more convenient that way, because of his workload.

However, in my mind, I would like to see him every two weeks, maybe even less than that, because I quite like the travelling, and I can budget the costs. But here's the deal.

He has NINE units due in for June. He asks me to see him after 3 WEEKS, I agree so that he can get his work done. But over this duration, he is ill, and when he's better he still doesn't do his work. It's nearly May now, and he procrastinates like crazy. He does everything but work, and if he does his work, he does it very slowly.

This is putting pressure on me, because then I have to wait 3 weeks to see him. I don't understand why, when I ask him he says that when I visit him, I usually stay a week (this is true, I can't help it, because when I'm with him, I love him so much, I want to stay longer). But, from my perspective, he could sit there and do his work whilst I was with him.

So when I say when shall we see each other, can it be every two weeks...he goes all quiet and silent.I wouldn't mind if he was actually DOING his work, but he doesn't do his work, he plays games, or procrastinates then when It's time to visit him, he thinks his work will get further behind.

Am I being very uncompromising? Is he just implying that really, I cramp his style?

I'm really fed up of it now, because we could see each other more, and he could sit and do his work. I even think he'd get more done with me there, because I'd actually force him to do it. I don't know anymore.

I thought a boyfriend in an LDR, would jump at the chance if their g/f kept suggesting she'd do all of the travelling. He does tell me it will all change once he has finished his college.

SORRY FOR LENGTH!!!!!

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

BTW, I do give him a hell of a lot of space. We talk for about an hour each night. And generally, I see him every 2/3 weeks, but lately the pressure is mounting for college. And yes, I should back off, but when I back off, he's still not doing work, so why should I sacrifice myself, and make it hard for me when I'm not seeing him, and he's still not doing his work.

He did agree yesterday to do things on 'your terms' but that means nothing to me, because then I feel like I'm being selfish. But I think he's being selfish by pushing me away when I suggest I'll see him. He says he loves me, he wants a long term relationship etc, but if this is the case, surely he can do his work whilst I am with him.

If I told him, I had so much degree work I couldn't see him, then I went out partying everynight, I'm sure he'd feel the same?

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

You're probably too good for him. Just do as he says and give him the time he wants to 'revise'. If he fails his exams then take it from there. It does seem frustrating though.

Reply 3

spacecowgirl89

Do you get on really well? If he loves you, I don't see why he wouldn't want to see you every 2 weeks, well, I certainly don't see why he'd go all quiet and silent if you even suggested it. You're making most of the effort by travelling to see him and if he can't realise how awesome you are for doing that then just back off and leave him alone - have time with your own friends doing your own thing and I'm sure he'll soon come running back.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

The majority of the time we get along very well. We have the odd argument when we're together but we make up immediately after! We even have a holiday booked together in October.
He just seems to back off a little when I suggest I'll visit. And I know work gets in the way, but I would jump at the chance.
I've spent around £700 since August doing travelling etc. It's probably even approaching £800+. Yet I still don't mind doing it.
Sometimes, you can do too much though can't you!

Reply 5

spacecowgirl89

Men are so lazy...I do think girls make a lot more effort than guys in relationships! (most of the time anyway) I'd back off and see if he asks why you're not being as concerned etc. You're spending a hell of a lot of money and I think it's strange he doesn't want to see you more, because you sound so committed. Maybe it's just work getting in the way of how he feels. My boyfriend gets so pissy when he has lots of uni assignments to do and takes it out on me, and I know I probably do the same when I have a lot of work to do even if I don't mean it. He's probably just stressed over that, from what you've said, I can't see why he wouldn't want you to come over more. Talk to him about it - that's the only way you'll know!

Reply 6

Mikesev

I also get extremely pissed off when under pressure, people react if different ways.

I go from 0 to throwing furniture across the room in two seconds, although after that I'm fine for a few days. I think waiting until after his exams is the way to go. See how he is after that.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Haha, yes, I think the lady in the relationship does a hell of a lot more work. I think I am very much a 'giver'. And as much as I don't give to get back, I set myself up for some kind of disappointment. I mean, don't get me wrong, he is a great boy. And he's bought me some lovely things, and I don't really care about materialistic things. But I am quite conscientious, naturally. I've done the most romantic things like recreating boudoirs in my uni room, with silk sheets, candles, chocolates, the works. I even paid for us to go on the London Eye, I buy him gifts for the sake of it. Hell, I even sent HIM a box of chocolates through the post.
I don't know what more to do. It's not like I don't have my own friends, I go out regularly, and I do my own hobbies and interests.
Probably is very stressed out. I'm going to back away I think. I know hard to get is immature, especially at this stage in a relationship, but me being available, is probably making him lose desire.

Reply 8

spacecowgirl89

I'm going to back away I think. I know hard to get is immature, especially at this stage in a relationship, but me being available, is probably making him lose desire.

Don't be silly! If you want to back away because you think he's taking you for granted then you should, that's not immature at all. When you're with someone a long time and you're constantly making an effort they just get used to it and sit back and do nothing 'cos they think you'll do all the running around. I know my boyfriend does it - and he sure as hell acted differently when I backed off! :P So just spend time doing your own thing and spend some of that money on yourself or a girly night in for a change! You sound like you deserve it! :smile: