I don't usually think of myself as a horrible person. I'm loyal to my good friends, have done charity work for five odd years, get on well with my parents, and I'm generally the person who tries to make the outsider feel included.
But somehow, I've done some horrible things in the past and I can't stop thinking about them.
I've shoplifted before, smuggling extra items into the changing rooms and then into my bag. I became really really jealous of this beautiful popular but slightly neurotic girl I know vaguely well and sent her a note purportedly from her best friend telling her that everyone hates her. She confronted the friend and they now hate each other. I've lied to people left right and centre, nicked someone's revision notes because I knew they would be better than mine, and done other things that I'm really ashamed of.
I don't know what happens to make me do these horrible things; it's some kind of jealous compulsion and I always feel absolutely terrible afterwards. For the last six months I've stopped doing these things because I realised that the person they hurt the most is myself.
I still can't stop dwelling upon my guilt though. Most of all I feel like telling this girl I wrote the note to, that it was me. These two girls haven't been friends for about a year and I know they both feel really betrayed by each other. Should I tell this girl that it was me? The problem is that if she knows, she'll be absolutely furious (rightfully so, i know) and tell the whole year and they'll all hate me. She could even tell my school and I could get suspended.
But part of me feels like I deserve this.
I don't know. I try really hard to be a good person, but these horrible parts of me overtake me sometimes. Am I really a nasty person or just confused? What should I do? Should I confess everything, stealing etc? I would be willing to pay everyone I have ever stolen from back, as some kind of pathetic repayment, but what more can I do?