Social anxiety, depression.
I warn you, this is going to be hella long.
I was born in Latvia, it's a small country in EU. I was living there a normal life as a child, I had friends, I was enjoying the life and I was just in general a normal kid I guess. When I turned 8 my parents took me to UK, Northern Ireland to be exact. My guess is they moved here to make a better life for me. Life in Latvia is not that rich compared to here, I guess I would only dream of having a ps3 right now if I kept on living there, and here I am writing on my gaming PC, powered by the all mighty 750W, a GTX 970 SSC and an i7. This PC is like a teleporter for me, it teleports me out of reality, it helps me forget about reality for the 7 hours I spend on it after being tortured.
Anyways, back to the topic. When I moved here I knew no one, I couldn't even say 1 word in English. I went to this small primary school, Killowen. You can google it if you want to, there they told my parents that I was going to be fine, and that everyone was going to be as friendly as they can. In P4 I started learning English, well. You can see how that turned out
. The first years weren't bad, I was still just a kid, enjoying my LEGO. I always had a small laptop in my room, I never really used it, just to watch occasional videos of LEGO and that's pretty much it. I never really had a friend since I moved here and I guess I could handle it. The major things started in P6 and 7. I remember just being bullied days on days, by the pupils, teachers and even the principal. My mother had to send a letter to the upper guys in education so they told my teacher to stop all that ****. What usually happened was some kiddo would pick on me, I'd knock him in the ****ing jabber and he would cry to the teacher, he would tell her how I attacked him like an animal without any reason. My teachers favorite part was always then asking the whole class what happened, "Put your hand up if you saw him viciously attack this pupil", the whole ****ing class would put their hand up, every last one of them when more than half the class wasn't even on the playground at the time. You gotta know one thing also, I'm not aggressive at all. I never throw first, I never try to encourage someone to fight me. Every fight I was in is always because of some kiddo that wants to act hard and show his toughness. Sadly it always ends in me breaking the kids nose, him bending over and bleeding while calling me a nazi and then the teachers running up grabbing me from behind like I'm an aggressive psychopath or some****.
All and all that's how my Primary school experience was, good to tell this story to my kids yeah? Must be fantastic.
High school, CAI. Seemed like a good strict school, made in late 1800s and still standing to this day. The first year was probably the worst, I got into a little less than 10 fights that year, again. None of them started by me. Great way to start the new year in a new school right? Because of the fights pupils started avoiding me, I became a social outcast. Teachers started hating me. Don't know what to write now guys. Making the long story short I guess. I'm now 16, I've spent all my money into upgrading my PC, just playing games day from day. Dreaming in school how I'm going to play BF4 and Arma 3, maybe some DayZ. Still got no friends, no social life, people still avoid me. Thank god no more fights, the morons got the message I guess not to mess with me. I'm in pretty good shape I guess, while other kids my age are out drinking and partying I'm inside, playing video games and when there's a loading screen(which is alot of the time), I stand up and do some pulls up, lift some weights for 2min. Then back to the virtual world.
I could live like that, hell I did now for 8 years. But it just keeps getting worse, that's why I'm finally writing about it. When I would walk down the hall way I would get sometimes a rare "sup" or "hello". Now it's like I'm a ghost. Nobody speaks to me, nobody. I feel worse everyday. I just remember how good it was before I moved here, how I was a NORMAL KID, I had friends and stuff. The weather was nice, sun shinning and it was warm. I hope I didn't offend you guys with the weather.
Anyways, I just don't see anything to live for now, weekdays are torture, weekends are boring as hell. I can't go to sleep without my phone rolling some random youtube video, I tried many times and I for some reason even trying not to think about all this bad stuff, it just keeps getting me awake. Also I noticed my diet is now veery unhealthy, I mean like I can sit for 13 hours without some food or a drink. I just can't get myself to do anything. I'm in the middle of my mock right now, exams everyday. And still nothing, I just don't have any energy to do anything, As I said I used to lift some weights maybe twice a day. For the past month I can't even lift myself up. I'm 6.1(186cm), pretty tall compared everyone, but my weight is 58kg, I google sometimes the healthy weight for my age, size and it says I'm healthy, just how in the **** am I healthy when I can see my ****ING bones? I am just too tired, I'm tired of it all. I've got no friends and the last thing that held me together was video games, the escape from reality. For some reason I don't even want to play them anymore, I don't find interest in watching Youtube videos and any stuff like that. I go to bed at 2-3. Normally I went at 12 but for some reason I just don't even want to sleep anymore, I feel weak, I know I need sleep but when I try to go to bed at 10-11 I just lay there for hours, even my phone doesn't help me anymore. Last time I tried to go to bed early I layed for 7 hours, I finally turned off somewhere around 5AM. I tried to go to sleep when I felt I wanted to, nope didn't work either, usually I just crawl to my bed at 5-6AM because it's the hardest time of an all-nighter. This what happened actually scared me, I didn't feel the need to sleep for the whole night, not even a little, I felt I was tired, I felt I was weak. But nothing. You would think I went to sleep at the normal time after that night? But no, again I forced myself to bed at around 3AM.
I don't know what's happening anymore. I tried 5 different websites that test you for depression. Sadly all 5 of them said I was like at the highest possible level of depression. Am I really? I don't have any suicidal thoughts, I don't cut myself, although I started recently thinking a lot about it. And when someone talks about depression I think about just staying in bed all day, sleeping non-stop and stuff, for me it's totally opposite.
My question is, what do I do? Just keep going through this last year and hope for the best at NRC? And if you've got experience, please tell me any information about it. I personally think nothing will change and probably just keep getting worse
My last chance to grab a hold of my life was when I wanted to join the army after this. Fight for the country and ****. I know it's dangerous but I personally thought when I'd return I would be a normal person again. As far as I know the army get's you straight, so after it I guessed I would be a normal person, have like 50 grand in my bank, great way to buy a house, car and start living the life. And it'd be a lot easier to get into Police Academy if you've been in the army. I could be an officer, dangerous job but I guessed I was matched good for it because I'd probably never have a family/girlfriend to wait and worry about me at home. But then I looked more into it. My eyesight is too bad for it. The maximum they accept is -0.75 I think. Mine is way lower, I thought of even getting laser eye surgery so they would take me, turns out they don't take you if you had eye surgery, what the **** really? The army was my last chance at redemption, grabbing my life by the tail and getting a second chance. Setting everything on track. And it was ruined.
Looks like it's NRC and then full-time job at McDonalds for me until retirement. Because of the stress, weakness and just social anxiety my grades are really bad. I won't be able to get a good job. Please don't say "try to get friends, talk to people, go to clubs". That won't happen. I'm not going to talk to anyone, I don't look at people the way I used to. I tried joining different clubs, same **** happens. I don't know what's in me they all hate, I'm not a bad person.
I don't know what to look in life anymore. How do I go to sleep? What will make me get up? What to look forward to...
I was born in Latvia, it's a small country in EU. I was living there a normal life as a child, I had friends, I was enjoying the life and I was just in general a normal kid I guess. When I turned 8 my parents took me to UK, Northern Ireland to be exact. My guess is they moved here to make a better life for me. Life in Latvia is not that rich compared to here, I guess I would only dream of having a ps3 right now if I kept on living there, and here I am writing on my gaming PC, powered by the all mighty 750W, a GTX 970 SSC and an i7. This PC is like a teleporter for me, it teleports me out of reality, it helps me forget about reality for the 7 hours I spend on it after being tortured.
Anyways, back to the topic. When I moved here I knew no one, I couldn't even say 1 word in English. I went to this small primary school, Killowen. You can google it if you want to, there they told my parents that I was going to be fine, and that everyone was going to be as friendly as they can. In P4 I started learning English, well. You can see how that turned out
. The first years weren't bad, I was still just a kid, enjoying my LEGO. I always had a small laptop in my room, I never really used it, just to watch occasional videos of LEGO and that's pretty much it. I never really had a friend since I moved here and I guess I could handle it. The major things started in P6 and 7. I remember just being bullied days on days, by the pupils, teachers and even the principal. My mother had to send a letter to the upper guys in education so they told my teacher to stop all that ****. What usually happened was some kiddo would pick on me, I'd knock him in the ****ing jabber and he would cry to the teacher, he would tell her how I attacked him like an animal without any reason. My teachers favorite part was always then asking the whole class what happened, "Put your hand up if you saw him viciously attack this pupil", the whole ****ing class would put their hand up, every last one of them when more than half the class wasn't even on the playground at the time. You gotta know one thing also, I'm not aggressive at all. I never throw first, I never try to encourage someone to fight me. Every fight I was in is always because of some kiddo that wants to act hard and show his toughness. Sadly it always ends in me breaking the kids nose, him bending over and bleeding while calling me a nazi and then the teachers running up grabbing me from behind like I'm an aggressive psychopath or some****.All and all that's how my Primary school experience was, good to tell this story to my kids yeah? Must be fantastic.
High school, CAI. Seemed like a good strict school, made in late 1800s and still standing to this day. The first year was probably the worst, I got into a little less than 10 fights that year, again. None of them started by me. Great way to start the new year in a new school right? Because of the fights pupils started avoiding me, I became a social outcast. Teachers started hating me. Don't know what to write now guys. Making the long story short I guess. I'm now 16, I've spent all my money into upgrading my PC, just playing games day from day. Dreaming in school how I'm going to play BF4 and Arma 3, maybe some DayZ. Still got no friends, no social life, people still avoid me. Thank god no more fights, the morons got the message I guess not to mess with me
. I'm in pretty good shape I guess, while other kids my age are out drinking and partying I'm inside, playing video games and when there's a loading screen(which is alot of the time), I stand up and do some pulls up, lift some weights for 2min. Then back to the virtual world.I could live like that, hell I did now for 8 years. But it just keeps getting worse, that's why I'm finally writing about it. When I would walk down the hall way I would get sometimes a rare "sup" or "hello". Now it's like I'm a ghost. Nobody speaks to me, nobody. I feel worse everyday. I just remember how good it was before I moved here, how I was a NORMAL KID, I had friends and stuff. The weather was nice, sun shinning and it was warm. I hope I didn't offend you guys with the weather
.Anyways, I just don't see anything to live for now, weekdays are torture, weekends are boring as hell. I can't go to sleep without my phone rolling some random youtube video, I tried many times and I for some reason even trying not to think about all this bad stuff, it just keeps getting me awake. Also I noticed my diet is now veery unhealthy, I mean like I can sit for 13 hours without some food or a drink. I just can't get myself to do anything. I'm in the middle of my mock right now, exams everyday. And still nothing, I just don't have any energy to do anything, As I said I used to lift some weights maybe twice a day. For the past month I can't even lift myself up. I'm 6.1(186cm), pretty tall compared everyone, but my weight is 58kg, I google sometimes the healthy weight for my age, size and it says I'm healthy, just how in the **** am I healthy when I can see my ****ING bones? I am just too tired, I'm tired of it all. I've got no friends and the last thing that held me together was video games, the escape from reality. For some reason I don't even want to play them anymore, I don't find interest in watching Youtube videos and any stuff like that. I go to bed at 2-3. Normally I went at 12 but for some reason I just don't even want to sleep anymore, I feel weak, I know I need sleep but when I try to go to bed at 10-11 I just lay there for hours, even my phone doesn't help me anymore. Last time I tried to go to bed early I layed for 7 hours, I finally turned off somewhere around 5AM. I tried to go to sleep when I felt I wanted to, nope didn't work either, usually I just crawl to my bed at 5-6AM because it's the hardest time of an all-nighter. This what happened actually scared me, I didn't feel the need to sleep for the whole night, not even a little, I felt I was tired, I felt I was weak. But nothing. You would think I went to sleep at the normal time after that night? But no, again I forced myself to bed at around 3AM.
I don't know what's happening anymore. I tried 5 different websites that test you for depression. Sadly all 5 of them said I was like at the highest possible level of depression. Am I really? I don't have any suicidal thoughts, I don't cut myself, although I started recently thinking a lot about it. And when someone talks about depression I think about just staying in bed all day, sleeping non-stop and stuff, for me it's totally opposite.
My question is, what do I do? Just keep going through this last year and hope for the best at NRC? And if you've got experience, please tell me any information about it. I personally think nothing will change and probably just keep getting worse
My last chance to grab a hold of my life was when I wanted to join the army after this. Fight for the country and ****. I know it's dangerous but I personally thought when I'd return I would be a normal person again. As far as I know the army get's you straight, so after it I guessed I would be a normal person, have like 50 grand in my bank, great way to buy a house, car and start living the life. And it'd be a lot easier to get into Police Academy if you've been in the army. I could be an officer, dangerous job but I guessed I was matched good for it because I'd probably never have a family/girlfriend to wait and worry about me at home. But then I looked more into it. My eyesight is too bad for it. The maximum they accept is -0.75 I think. Mine is way lower, I thought of even getting laser eye surgery so they would take me, turns out they don't take you if you had eye surgery, what the **** really? The army was my last chance at redemption, grabbing my life by the tail and getting a second chance. Setting everything on track. And it was ruined.Looks like it's NRC and then full-time job at McDonalds for me until retirement. Because of the stress, weakness and just social anxiety my grades are really bad. I won't be able to get a good job. Please don't say "try to get friends, talk to people, go to clubs". That won't happen. I'm not going to talk to anyone, I don't look at people the way I used to. I tried joining different clubs, same **** happens. I don't know what's in me they all hate, I'm not a bad person.
I don't know what to look in life anymore. How do I go to sleep? What will make me get up? What to look forward to...
Sorry to hear about that.
You are only 16, you are extremely young and have a life ahead of you. It is important you make good decisions.
You want to join the army? What made you decide to do this?
I would recommend taking A-levels and going to university route, you will make friends, like minded people, experience life, etc. If you want a social life, then go to college, meet people, join clubs or join clubs out of interest like video gaming or sports and you have something in common to talk about.
You need to take things in steps for your social anxiety, practice talking to strangers at the bus stop or shopping centre or anywhere, ask for the time, their opinion. Then befriend people, or join a befriending service and socialise with them or volunteer and talk to people. Another way is volunteering at your charity shop and talking to customers about products and you can also meet people. Joining clubs out of interest will help, talking to them about something you enjoy.
Go to the gym, exercise, be positive, be hopeful, life is positive, you can do anything out of choice, take a course progressing to university, join a club where you can meet people.
Good luck!
You are only 16, you are extremely young and have a life ahead of you. It is important you make good decisions.
You want to join the army? What made you decide to do this?
I would recommend taking A-levels and going to university route, you will make friends, like minded people, experience life, etc. If you want a social life, then go to college, meet people, join clubs or join clubs out of interest like video gaming or sports and you have something in common to talk about.
You need to take things in steps for your social anxiety, practice talking to strangers at the bus stop or shopping centre or anywhere, ask for the time, their opinion. Then befriend people, or join a befriending service and socialise with them or volunteer and talk to people. Another way is volunteering at your charity shop and talking to customers about products and you can also meet people. Joining clubs out of interest will help, talking to them about something you enjoy.
Go to the gym, exercise, be positive, be hopeful, life is positive, you can do anything out of choice, take a course progressing to university, join a club where you can meet people.
Good luck!
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