Is this cheating?

For the past couple of weeks, things have been rough between me and my boyfriend. I still love him and he still loves me but I've changed a lot for the worse and am finding it really hard to get back to the way I was. My boyfriend has just got a new job which means I hardly get to see him which I'm finding really hard to cope with and he thinks I'm not happy for him and that I'm just thinking of myself and not wanting him to get on with his life and make money.

A couple of days ago, after a fight with my boyfriend, I bumped into my ex who, up until I met my current boyfriend, was the love of my life. He started chatting away to me and we, along with my mate and his, went for a drink. I got his number and he got mine. The next day, I met him at his house to hang out with him and his mates and he keeps hinting that he wants me back and we do sort of flirt with each other. I've not done anything whatsoever about any of this but I feel so guilty. My boyfriend would flip if he found out but would this be considered cheating even though I have only really acted as a mate to my ex since we met up again?

Reply 1

ßlαcksωαn

17

Not cheating exactly..if nothing happened.

Reply 2

TheThirdMan

1

even though I have only really acted as a mate to my ex since we met up again?

we, along with my mate and his, went for a drink. I got his number and he got mine. The next day, I met him at his house to hang out with him and his mates and he keeps hinting that he wants me back and we do sort of flirt with each other.

I think its out of order to do that. Either heal things with ur bf or go back to ur ex.

Reply 3

Soul Rebel

12

blackswan

Not cheating exactly..if nothing happened.

i agree.

maybe a bit morally wrong, but you didnt get down and dirty so meh.

Reply 4

tbm

13

I dont think its cheating, however you obviously know that its wrong because of feeling guilty. Are you happy with your current boyfriend or not? If you arent, then break up with him. At least then you can do what you want without the risk of anyone getting hurt

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Is it wrong though?

I know I would be heartbroken if I found out he was hanging out with his ex. Especially if he lied about it. But I just feel I need someone to talk to. Apart from my bf I don't really have anyone else to turn to.

I can't tell him though. He would never talk to me again.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

TheThirdMan

I think its out of order to do that. Either heal things with ur bf or go back to ur ex.

Things aren't exactly ruined with my bf. We do get along and as I said we both love each other a lot. It just seems that we argue a lot. At least twice a day we will argue and it's always about the same things that I mentioned before. Seeing my ex was just like getting away from all that for a bit.

Reply 7

tbm

13

Anonymous

Is it wrong though?

I know I would be heartbroken if I found out he was hanging out with his ex. Especially if he lied about it. But I just feel I need someone to talk to. Apart from my bf I don't really have anyone else to turn to.

I can't tell him though. He would never talk to me again.

Do you think its wrong? People have different opinions on these sort of things, its a personal thing more than anything. Although if I found out my bf was texting his ex, going round to her house and flirting with her, Id be really annoyed, and hurt of course too. I suppose you need to look at it from your bfs perspective, what would he think about it? Also how would you feel if your bf was doing this with his ex?

Reply 8

shona

10

Anonymous

would this be considered cheating...?

I think that's the wrong question. "Would this hurt my boyfriend if he knew?" is a much more appropriate one.

Reply 9

Llamaaa

15

if you loved him, then you wouldn't flirt with your ex. You wouldn't even consider it. So I find it hard to believe that you are in love with your boyfriend. It's a pretty shoddy kind of love if that's what you think it is. You obviously don't have much loyalty nor morals since you think that's an ok thing to do. It's pretty damn selfish too- to do something you know will hurt your boyfriend just because you need someone to turn to. I very much doubt that you have to turn to your ex. Don't you have friends? And flirting with him is hardly turning to him in your hour of need. Tell your boyfriend so he can get rid.

Reply 10

20083

2

You seem transfixed on the name of what you are doing (cheating). Whatever you call it you obviously know it is wrong and that it would rightfully upset your current bf.

Reply 11

WokSz

17

^agreed. It's not technically cheating, but I don't think it's fair on your boyfriend, especially as you've been flirting with you ex.

Reply 12

Meep!

9

It's not what I would call cheating, however it is also not what I'd call a good idea. You are doing something which you know will hurt your bf, regardless of this fact. I would be incredibly hurt if my bf was doing what you are.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

What sort of advice is that?! Tell my bf so he can dump me? Don't think so.
I do love my bf. Why do you think I'm feeling so guilty about this? He has treated me similarly in the past otherwise I would never have thought about acting this way . He didn't go away with an ex but he has went out drinking with girls and I've had to be told about it by his brother months down the line. He has lied to me about who he is with, saying he is with boys when he is with girls and he has stood talking to an ex while I was there knowing fine well I would be upset about it. But I have let him off with all of this and til now have been totally 100% loyal to him.

Reply 14

herbal bug

12

tis not exactly cheating, but if he would flip, then why are you doing it?
just swap the roles between you and your bf, if he was flirting with his ex, how would you feel about it?

Reply 15

Anonymous #2

Anonymous

What sort of advice is that?! Tell my bf so he can dump me? Don't think so.
I do love my bf. Why do you think I'm feeling so guilty about this? He has treated me similarly in the past otherwise I would never have thought about acting this way . He didn't go away with an ex but he has went out drinking with girls and I've had to be told about it by his brother months down the line. He has lied to me about who he is with, saying he is with boys when he is with girls and he has stood talking to an ex while I was there knowing fine well I would be upset about it. But I have let him off with all of this and til now have been totally 100% loyal to him.

hun, the thing is do you trust him, and is your love for him worth this pain, i wouldnt say tell him if you end that flirting now..and out it to rest. Then i wouldnt tell him, as it would unnecessary spare pain.

the other key question is, do you want him to know and does he deserve to know? only you can answer these questions. no advice would make it easier

but thats me

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

I've already said, I would be gutted. I don't intend on seeing my ex again, I guess I just felt hurt because of things that had happened that day I met my ex. I had bumped into my bf on my lunch break (our work places are both near to each other) and he was with a group of people (2 guys and 2 girls). But I automatically focused on the fact that he was with 2 girls. He tried to avoid me which made me even more upset and felt that he was doing this coz he was with the girls. We then went our seperate ways for me to see him again and this time he walked away from his mates pretending he was going back to work just to avoid me and when I shouted on me he looked back at his mates and sort of smiled/laughed which is obviously not what you expect your loving long term boyfriend to do to you.

I just felt like he was choosing everyone else over me and was hurt and when my ex started talking to me it made me feel better about myself.

Reply 17

shinyhappy

14

You've got a few options, really;
Tell your boyfriend, and try to make him understand that you're just friends. Hopefully he can then accept it and you can continue to hang out with your ex.
Tell your boyfriend, apologise and stop seeing the guy.
Don't tell your boyfriend, continue to hang out with the guy, and feel very very guilty.
Stop seeing the guy, and never mention it to your boyfriend.

Personally I'd try go with the first one. I've no doubt your bf will be hurt, but in the end he shouldn't control who you see. If you don't give him any reason not to trust you, he should be able to deal with it.

Reply 18

username47781

20

Well what you did was not clever. The best thing you can do now is talk with your boyfriend and get to the bottom of all these issues that are making you argue.

Reply 19

Llamaaa

15

I still stand by what I said which is that if you love someone you do not do that kind of thing to them. You're boyfriend wouldn't flirt with other girls and lie to you about it, and you wouldn't flirt with your ex and lie about it. Also love involves trust, something which you evidently don't have.

Is this cheating?

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