I don't know really what I'm expecting out of this, but I'd prefer it if I didn't get any "it's your own silly fault" comments. I'm just in a really horrible stage in my life and feel like I have absolutely nobody to talk to so I thought I'd get it all out on here instead.
I split up with my long term boyfriend over the summer. I was moving away, and he just lost all interest in me. It was really horrible and I was heartbroken, and it made moving away 100 times worse. Just before I left, I got in contact with this guy I'd known from school, and had a huge crush on when I was much younger. We got on so well and before I knew it he'd come to visit me...and then we ended up getting togther. Everything was perfect, although looking back it was way way too soon as I wasn't over my ex yet. Anyway, a couple of months later I went back to where I used to live and my ex was there. He was so lovely to me, he just said how incredibly sorry he was, how amazing I was, how miserable he was without me, how he'd made such a stupid mistake. We ended up kissing. It would have been my perfect chance to tell him where to go, but I was still not quite over him and I just fell for him all over again.
The next day I felt so guilty that I ended up breaking things off with the new guy. He was so hurt and upset when I told him what happened that I still cringe now when I think of how mean it was. I didn't get back with my ex, but we started talking again and he was just lovely, exactly how he had been when we were together. I still had feelings for the guy from school and we were still friends - it was just kind of confusing.
Anyway, I was falling for my ex more and more, but then he started at a new uni to do a postgrad course and just started becoming more and more distant. Every time I said I was having doubts about us getting back together he would reassure me, though. One time I went to visit him and ended up telling him I loved him. The next day we had a massive argument and he said that actually, he wasn't that sure if he cared about me enough to get back together after all.
So my ex and I aren't getting back together, despite everything he said and everything I gave up for him. I've stayed in contact with the other guy and we've talked about getting back together, but a few days ago I sent him an email saying I didn't see how it would work after what's happened. He replied saying he completely understood and saying he hoped I was ok. I've just realised that I've lost this amazing guy for my horrible ex, and I feel like my ex has won, twice. I feel like the biggest fool ever.
And yes, I also feel like I don't have a single friend to talk to. Being away has made me realise that the friends I had at home weren't real friends after all. I know lots of people here, but I'm leaving in a couple of months and these people are from all over the world, so I can't see how I'll make any lasting close friendships. I'm sure there are things I should be happy about, but right now I just keep crying and wishing I could turn back the clock. If you've got this far, thanks very much for reading.