Can someone plzz read my head girl election speech and give me feedback?? Watch

bluepearl7
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please help me in including a sentence in which i can say i am determined dedicated and passionate or something along those lines.,i wanted to include stuff that i have been part of but then i thought would the students be interested in hearing about my achievements and how i am credible and stuff.


When I first started this school, I was shy, awkward and if you told me in five years’ time,I-of all people-would be running for head girl, I wouldn’t have believed you.Regardless, here I am, standing in front of you, with enough confidence, to tell you why I should become the next head girl. In the three minutes that I have been given,I am not going to stand here and make empty promises instead i am going to be honest.

.First of all, I know that being head girl is not about the title, the respect and it certainly doesn’t mean being better than everyone else. It is about gaining the trust ofthe students in representing the school with integrity, enthusiasm and optimism.I’m not perfect; I’m still human like everyone else here, and I’ve mademistakes. But having the resilience to learn and come back from those mistakes,makes me a more qualified candidate.((**Shall i include this part on me making mistakes or not?*))

Iam an opportunist (**Here,shall i say that since applying for prefect, i have been part of ------, stem club, i am doing the duke of Edinburgh award and i have my 7th piece of work published**)) I don’t cower away from a challenge. If I were to become head girl,I would encourage students to grasp every opportunity that comes their way and also introduce new, exciting programmes such as the franklin scholars which would help in gaining invaluable skills that would be of use later on in life.I would also be open to listening to ideas from all students on how they couldgain the opportunity to express their strengths.((** I want to phrase this paragraph in a better way. To make it to the point and not boring help?**)


I believethat enjoyment results in achievement; it is the key to success. I have foundthat when you are happy with your learning environment, you would naturally put more effort in school work therefore I would try my absolute best to ensure you flourish in the school.

Being headgirl is about setting an example. It’s about leadership and inspiring thosearound you to do better, to be better. My ambition is to get everyone involved;whether you are the wallflower or the social butterfly .I hope to help you, thepeople that need it most, and to be a prime connection between students andteachers hence creating a comfortable and memorable learning environment.

Mohammed Ali once said, "what keeps me going is goals", I believe that this is true for myself as well, if you have nothing to aim for, you have no motivation,no dreams and no desire, I would not be standing for this prestigious role of Head girl if I did not have these three things.

I have an abundance of enthusiasm,strong desire to prosper and i am sizzling with passion. I care not only for the success and reputation of the school but also the people inside it. You will be my first priority, youcan trust me to make your voices heard and I hope I can trust you to make theright decision by selecting me as your next head girl.


i need a better ending ,more engaging one,perhaps one with some sort of slogan and also please tell me if in some parts , you think i am waffling on .i am open to all suggestions and improvements

sorry for the weird spacing

and thankyou!
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Josh Lyman
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They might want a head girl that can spell
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bluepearl7
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Instead of saying that i can't spell it would be more helpful to point out where so that i can correct it.
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bulgylau
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I think its a very powerful speech, not pretentious and cocky. But maybe slightly too formal... I feel that you shouldn't take anything away, but maybe make yourself a bit more friendly, build the rapport with the students.
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bluepearl7
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(Original post by homeland.lsw)
I think its a very powerful speech, not pretentious and cocky. But maybe slightly too formal... I feel that you shouldn't take anything away, but maybe make yourself a bit more friendly, build the rapport with the students.
ohh
okay
yeah that was what i was struggling with
I have slightly different speeches for different audiences.
The one here is for KS3
have you got any tips on how i can make it a bit less formal.??

Thankyou for the feedback!
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bulgylau
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(Original post by bluepearl7)
ohh
okay
yeah that was what i was struggling with
I have slightly different speeches for different audiences.
The one here is for KS3
have you got any tips on how i can make it a bit less formal.??

Thankyou for the feedback!
Oh for KS3, I thought this was for your year/ KS4. If this is for KS3, then I think it is perfect. I think that the KS3 think that the more formal your writing is, the better candidate you are. Certainly for KS4 and sixth form, it should be more open and bubbly and bantery.
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ihatePE
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I say it's a bit awkward being this formal in front of your class regardless of what KS youre in. maybe you can include some of your classmates into the speech like ''so and so, i know that you've always wished the school was like this and i will definitely consider your ideas'' just make it more relaxing.

im not sure what kind of school you go to but at my school people dont really take this seriously, i got 4 people in my form going for it and they more or less said ''vote for me because im good at these things'' and then sat down and people laughed in between.
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The meal
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(Original post by bluepearl7)
please help me in including a sentence in which i can say i am determined dedicated and passionate or something along those lines.,i wanted to include stuff that i have been part of but then i thought would the students be interested in hearing about my achievements and how i am credible and stuff.


When I first started this school, I was shy, awkward and if you told me in five years’ time,I-of all people-would be running for head girl, I wouldn’t have believed you.Regardless, here I am, standing in front of you, with enough confidence, to tell you why I should become the next head girl. In the three minutes that I have been given,I am not going to stand here and make empty promises instead i am going to be honest.

.First of all, I know that being head girl is not about the title, the respect and it certainly doesn’t mean being better than everyone else. It is about gaining the trust ofthe students in representing the school with integrity, enthusiasm and optimism.I’m not perfect; I’m still human like everyone else here, and I’ve mademistakes. But having the resilience to learn and come back from those mistakes,makes me a more qualified candidate.((**Shall i include this part on me making mistakes or not?*))

Iam an opportunist (**Here,shall i say that since applying for prefect, i have been part of ------, stem club, i am doing the duke of Edinburgh award and i have my 7th piece of work published**)) I don’t cower away from a challenge. If I were to become head girl,I would encourage students to grasp every opportunity that comes their way and also introduce new, exciting programmes such as the franklin scholars which would help in gaining invaluable skills that would be of use later on in life.I would also be open to listening to ideas from all students on how they couldgain the opportunity to express their strengths.((** I want to phrase this paragraph in a better way. To make it to the point and not boring help?**)


I believethat enjoyment results in achievement; it is the key to success. I have foundthat when you are happy with your learning environment, you would naturally put more effort in school work therefore I would try my absolute best to ensure you flourish in the school.

Being headgirl is about setting an example. It’s about leadership and inspiring thosearound you to do better, to be better. My ambition is to get everyone involved;whether you are the wallflower or the social butterfly .I hope to help you, thepeople that need it most, and to be a prime connection between students andteachers hence creating a comfortable and memorable learning environment.

Mohammed Ali once said, "what keeps me going is goals", I believe that this is true for myself as well, if you have nothing to aim for, you have no motivation,no dreams and no desire, I would not be standing for this prestigious role of Head girl if I did not have these three things.

I have an abundance of enthusiasm,strong desire to prosper and i am sizzling with passion. I care not only for the success and reputation of the school but also the people inside it. You will be my first priority, youcan trust me to make your voices heard and I hope I can trust you to make theright decision by selecting me as your next head girl.


i need a better ending ,more engaging one,perhaps one with some sort of slogan and also please tell me if in some parts , you think i am waffling on .i am open to all suggestions and improvements

sorry for the weird spacing

and thankyou!
Not feeling it, sorry, but you would not get my vote
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bluepearl7
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oh yeah i need to edit it


Any suggestions on how to make it more bubbly?

Also, it's about how you would deliver the speech so i think if they think you are confident enough, they will vote for you.
Thank you for your honest feedback.
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bluepearl7
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..
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Kirraa
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did u get it
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the bear
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r u hedgirl ?
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