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University and Mum.
Right, so I just got into my dream university for a course I really wanted to do. Everything is in order regarding fees and accommodation. My mum had a complete fit last night though. She fainted and everything and then kept on saying that she would not let me go to University. My parents are divorced and after that my mum has put her whole life towards me. I really want to go to this University but I also don't want to leave my mum like this.
What do I do? How can I convince her that this is what I want and it's very important for me?
What do I do? How can I convince her that this is what I want and it's very important for me?
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Did your mum know you were applying for university and accommodation and everything? It might be hard for her but you need to put yourself before your mum, if she doesn't get used to the idea she can't stop you going, you will have to move out one day. Try involving her a bit,could you take her to see the campus and where you will be living?
Your mum needs to relise she needs to let you go.
Sounds like she's worried about letting you move out, grow up etc. I take it your her only child? Sounds like she's worried that once you leave that she'll have no-once to care for (typical mother reaction although not to your extreams!!!!!!)
You have to talk to your mum and tell her that it's what you want.
How far from home will you be? Maybe you can tell her you will visit as much as possible.
Remind her that she needs to let you grow up and be your own person. Make sure she knows your only moving away but she isn't loosing you
P.S My mum at first tried to get me to choose a uni closer to home so I could still live out but was close enough to them "should anything happen" But after afew talks she came round to the idea that 200 miles isn't really that far and I do periodicly phone them or they phone me Normally talk to my Dad daily on MSN aswell so he reports back to Mum that I'm fine!!!
Sounds like she's worried about letting you move out, grow up etc. I take it your her only child? Sounds like she's worried that once you leave that she'll have no-once to care for (typical mother reaction although not to your extreams!!!!!!)
You have to talk to your mum and tell her that it's what you want.
How far from home will you be? Maybe you can tell her you will visit as much as possible.
Remind her that she needs to let you grow up and be your own person. Make sure she knows your only moving away but she isn't loosing you
P.S My mum at first tried to get me to choose a uni closer to home so I could still live out but was close enough to them "should anything happen" But after afew talks she came round to the idea that 200 miles isn't really that far and I do periodicly phone them or they phone me
Normally talk to my Dad daily on MSN aswell so he reports back to Mum that I'm fine!!!Have you discussed with your mum what it is that she is worried about? she may be worried that you won't cope on your own, she may feel protective or she may just think that she won't be able to cope without you around. try explaining to her, depending on what it is that she is worried about, that you really want to go, this is an amazing opportunity for you, it'll give you a degree, etc etc. Yes, univerisity is all about meeting new people and doing things you have never before had the opportunity to do, but you can still call home as much as you need to and even visit (if your uni's not too far away). You don't lose contact with people from home unless you choose not to contact them.
At the end of the day, you need to know what it is that your mum worries about, and try to reassure her or even compromise on issues. If she knows you are going to be happy and healthy, then this will lessen the stress and will put her mind at rest. If her health problems are stress related, this will help, too, but I'm not a doctor!
That's just some advice. I hope that's not patronizing! What ever you chose to do, good luck!
At the end of the day, you need to know what it is that your mum worries about, and try to reassure her or even compromise on issues. If she knows you are going to be happy and healthy, then this will lessen the stress and will put her mind at rest. If her health problems are stress related, this will help, too, but I'm not a doctor!
That's just some advice. I hope that's not patronizing! What ever you chose to do, good luck!
Where's the university & how far is it from where you live? If your mum is reacting like that to you going away, it seems to me that the best thing for your personal development would be to get as far away from her as possible, harsh as that may sound. Remind her that it won't mean you're cutting contact with her completely and tell her you'll ring her regularly, and if it's not too far away from home, you could go home for a weekend from time to time. But make sure that she's not just controlling you from a distance, keep some kind of barrier to allow you to not feel limited by her personality.
If she's put her whole life into you, she should be proud that you've got into university, not acting up like this. Don't let her control you, just because you feel you owe her something having invested so much. Good luck.
If she's put her whole life into you, she should be proud that you've got into university, not acting up like this. Don't let her control you, just because you feel you owe her something having invested so much. Good luck.
Ooh, tough one. I know what you mean, I've been in a similar situation myself. My parents are divorced and Mum basically gave up everything to look after me and my sister, she didn't develop her career, she stopped having a love life and her social life took a battering as well. So when she knew I'd be leaving, it came as a shock to her knowing that soon, everything she'd spent her whole life on wouldn't be there anymore 
Luckily though, my dream university was only 1 hour down the road anyway, and she still had my little sister to look after.
I'm guessing you are, or will be 18 when it's time to go to uni? If that's the case then she can't technically stop you going. However, I doubt her little fit will last until September. It's probably just hit her that her purpose in life now has a life of his own and that's a huge big thing to deal with. She will get over it. Obviously she loves you very much, or else she wouldn't have given up so much for you and because she does, she'll put your happiness above her own. She'll come round eventually, and actually I think its quite lucky she's going through this phase now rather than in September!
My advice to you would be to just carry on under the assumption that you're going to uni and make sure everything's planned and sorted. Then just give her time to adjust. Make sure she knows how much you love her too, and that you're not completely abandoning her!
I know you'll probably feel guilty because I did to, and I still do everytime I have to go back to uni after a holiday and she starts crying. But at the end of the day, you both have to realise its something you have to do. Besides, there's always the phone. And it'll give her the chance to do all the things she's ever wanted to but couldn't because she was too busy looking after you
Luckily though, my dream university was only 1 hour down the road anyway, and she still had my little sister to look after.
I'm guessing you are, or will be 18 when it's time to go to uni? If that's the case then she can't technically stop you going. However, I doubt her little fit will last until September. It's probably just hit her that her purpose in life now has a life of his own and that's a huge big thing to deal with. She will get over it. Obviously she loves you very much, or else she wouldn't have given up so much for you and because she does, she'll put your happiness above her own. She'll come round eventually, and actually I think its quite lucky she's going through this phase now rather than in September!
My advice to you would be to just carry on under the assumption that you're going to uni and make sure everything's planned and sorted. Then just give her time to adjust. Make sure she knows how much you love her too, and that you're not completely abandoning her!
I know you'll probably feel guilty because I did to, and I still do everytime I have to go back to uni after a holiday and she starts crying. But at the end of the day, you both have to realise its something you have to do. Besides, there's always the phone. And it'll give her the chance to do all the things she's ever wanted to but couldn't because she was too busy looking after you
Thank you all for your help!
My mum does love me a lot, as do I. But this University is in the UK, and I live in mainland Europe. I'll be about an 80 minute flight away. With Easyjet and everything, she can come visit me easily.
She says it's not the fact that she's going to be alone, but more the fact that I'm going to be all alone. She's also scared that I'll be a victim of racism and get beaten up. She's just had really bad experiences in England, so she thinks all English people are the same and that they all look down at foreigners. Call it racism, or call it simple lack of knowledge of point in discussion, but I definitely disagree.
She also said yesterday that she doesn't want me to leave my country to go to an average University (just so that you all know it's not an average University) and for a course, which won't get me anywhere (which, once again is false as I'll be doing Computer Science).
My dad is so much more receptive about the idea. But then again he didn't play the same role as my mum in my upbringing. He understands how much this means to me.
My mum does love me a lot, as do I. But this University is in the UK, and I live in mainland Europe. I'll be about an 80 minute flight away. With Easyjet and everything, she can come visit me easily.
She says it's not the fact that she's going to be alone, but more the fact that I'm going to be all alone. She's also scared that I'll be a victim of racism and get beaten up. She's just had really bad experiences in England, so she thinks all English people are the same and that they all look down at foreigners. Call it racism, or call it simple lack of knowledge of point in discussion, but I definitely disagree.
She also said yesterday that she doesn't want me to leave my country to go to an average University (just so that you all know it's not an average University) and for a course, which won't get me anywhere (which, once again is false as I'll be doing Computer Science).
My dad is so much more receptive about the idea. But then again he didn't play the same role as my mum in my upbringing. He understands how much this means to me.
*Claire*
I don't think racism is a huge problem in unis, or at least it shouldnt be enough of a reason to worry. I understand why your mum doesn't want you to go because she will miss you but sadly you have to do what is right for you.
It's not the University she's worried about - it's the surroundings. She just doesn't want me to go - I really hate it because I want to go but don't want to get her really mad either.
Do you think I should continue with Uni?
Definitely! As others have said, it's your life so you have to do what you feel is best for you. You'll regret it otherwise.
amie
Um... yes. If it's something you want to do, be an adult about it and do it. It's not like you want to deal drugs or become a pimp, you just want to go to uni.
If she feels that strongly about it then maybe she will get mad, but you can't live your entire life for your mother.
If she feels that strongly about it then maybe she will get mad, but you can't live your entire life for your mother.
It's what I tell myself but I also feel that she has given up so much for me! What annoys me is that she was in a similar situation to me when I was younger. She had a scholarship to study in England but rejected it because her mum was scared and did a similar thing. Now she regrets it more than anything.
Definately. Just because she has had bad experiences in the past does not mean that you won't have great experiences in the future. We have a massive mix of cultures at my uni and we celebrate that! If you show her that you understand her concerns but really need to make this step for your own development, then she really has to respect your decision as an adult. You will be on the end of a phone if you need help and at some point you're gonna make your own decisions, so why not now if this is what you really want?
Besides, you can't judge all English people based on one person's bad experiences!
Besides, you can't judge all English people based on one person's bad experiences!
WokSz
It's what I tell myself but I also feel that she has given up so much for me! What annoys me is that she was in a similar situation to me when I was younger. She had a scholarship to study in England but rejected it because her mum was scared and did a similar thing. Now she regrets it more than anything.
You won't know until you try it then! Your mum should have some sympathy that you don't want to have regrets. If you try it and it's not for you, it's not the end of the world, but at least you won't regret not trying it at all.
Elle-Jay
definitely. Just because she has had bad experiences in the past does not mean that you won't have great experiences in the future. We have a massive mix of cultures at my uni and we celebrate that! If you show her that you understand her concerns but really need to make this step for your own development, then she really has to respect your decision as an adult. You will be on the end of a phone if you need help and at some point you're gonna make your own decisions, so why not now if this is what you really want?
Besides, you can't judge all English people based on one person's bad experiences!
Besides, you can't judge all English people based on one person's bad experiences!
Exactly! My girlfriend is English and absolutely loves the culture! My mum is just really traditional and doesn't seem to understand it!
WokSz
It's what I tell myself but I also feel that she has given up so much for me! What annoys me is that she was in a similar situation to me when I was younger. She had a scholarship to study in England but rejected it because her mum was scared and did a similar thing. Now she regrets it more than anything.
Then once the initial shock wears off, she should understand why you're going
You can't feel guilty for her giving up so much for you. She did it to give you the life you want and deserve, and if that means coming to England for university then so be it.
And like Elle-Jay said, if you go and its not for you, you can always go home, no harm done. Make sure you emphasise that to her. Maybe come to an agreement that you'll give it a trial period of a term or something, and if you have any doubts you'll go home again. That'd probably make her feel a bit better.
Hey there,
It's a tough situation to be in, and a family friend of mine was going through the same problem with her parents. Their family has been through an awful lot, and (his Mum especially) didn't want to let go of him. What really helped his Mum was having my parents around, and showing her how they coped when I left, and just planting seeds in her mind to make her understand how important it is for her to not stand in your way. It is perhaps a careful line to be trodden though - no one likes to be told how to be a good parent...
My Mum and Dad seemed to manage it though, and her attitude did change, and after he did leave, she went through a couple of really down weeks, but when she heard how well he was doing and how much he was enjoying, the feeling of pride came through again.
Does your Mum have anyone around her that could provide the same role to her perhaps? I think it would have more of an impact coming from someone independent and in the same situation as she is, rather than you or anyone else of a similar age, because it's you guys that have the dream.
Cxx
It's a tough situation to be in, and a family friend of mine was going through the same problem with her parents. Their family has been through an awful lot, and (his Mum especially) didn't want to let go of him. What really helped his Mum was having my parents around, and showing her how they coped when I left, and just planting seeds in her mind to make her understand how important it is for her to not stand in your way. It is perhaps a careful line to be trodden though - no one likes to be told how to be a good parent...
My Mum and Dad seemed to manage it though, and her attitude did change, and after he did leave, she went through a couple of really down weeks, but when she heard how well he was doing and how much he was enjoying, the feeling of pride came through again.
Does your Mum have anyone around her that could provide the same role to her perhaps? I think it would have more of an impact coming from someone independent and in the same situation as she is, rather than you or anyone else of a similar age, because it's you guys that have the dream.
Cxx
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