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    Hi guys, i'm here to look for some advice. Well, I have some family problems, which I cant seem solve for a long time and I’ve decided I should speak my mind. Because I’ve been studying so hard and ignoring everything and I think this thing is quite embarrassing even if I tell my closest friends. I would be glad if anyone can help... and here is my story but it’s really long though. Some of you might not have time for this so I would be really glad that you can help.

    Firstly, the problem is mainly due to my family's lack of understanding of me. I live in a family of mom, dad, elder bro and elder sis. Basically, to summarize this, I don’t get very along with all of them and I don't know if it's my problem and I don’t know if I should hate them or not. I’ve been trying to be very mature in solving the problems but every time I try, it just discourages me in the end.

    First of all I should mention my bro and sis. They’ve been treating me so badly since I was very little. I just have to say that my sis is never growing up and is always that immature. Gosh she is 21 already. Secondly, my bro doesn’t talk in the family but he is totally different outside. But every time he talks to me, he jus disses me. My sis does this as well. There had also been a lot of incidents where I jus had to ignore what they did to me. Eg. Even if they break my things, took my stuff without asking, etc, I jus had to ignore those stuff because I’m the smallest in the family which means I have little or no power over others at all.

    When we grew up, things got a little better. My sis and bro stopped hitting me but our conversations aren’t getting any better. My bro still doesn’t talk to me at all but he is really nice to outsiders. My sis still disses me a lot for no reason and I jus have to ignore it. Maybe at that moment, I was still too young, around year 8, so I had nth to say because I haven’t taken any exams or anything to prove my academic performance. I was having a really bad time because my mom jus keeps on saying 'ignore them, ignore them...' so I did what she told me but memories jus keep coming back and I just cant stand it anymore. There still had been common incidents such as taking me stuff without permission but I guess the most painful thing was how they put me down and stuff, resulting me having very very little confidence. I can’t describe how worst I felt but I just had to learn to adapt to these problems so I wouldn't easily cry. It’s just too embarrassing to mention too many of those small incidents here but I would tell you guys that I’m not those type of people who desire a lot. I’ve learnt to desire very little or nothing.

    For many years, the thing that I really hated the most was working inside the ‘storage room’ inside the kitchen. Due to the lack of space at home, I just had to work there and it has been so called ‘the maid’s room.’ My sis and bro had a really good laugh at it, calling me a maid and stuff but I just had to work in the room because there’s nowhere else. Especially, it gets really hot when my granny cooks in the kitchen and I just had to endure it. Eventually, I always went down to the clubhouse. I know that it seems unfair, but I’m the smallest in the family so I’ve got nothing much to say. I share a room with my brother and after I finished sleeping everyday, he just tells me to go away and lock the door. My sis has her own room and she’s just always laughing about me having a ‘maid’s room’ to work in. I personally think these things were already enough pain to me. But the thing is, my parents always say ‘have u ever felt how we lived in the 1970’s?’ But then I thought, it wouldn’t been that hot and sticky to do your homework right next to the kitchen? And even if I haven’t felt how they did because they were poor, do I really need to feel their kind of pain? They just keep on saying these things and make themselves look so good to be proud of.
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    So I’ve actually ignored every sentence, every word that they made fun of me about. At first, I really couldn’t stand this and just lock myself in the storage room and play computer games. I tried to play as much as I could so it gets rid of my sad memory. And yes, I live in quite a rich family but I’m just being treated very badly on one side I think. And yes, I have enough food to eat, enough to wear and all that. But I think what gives me the pain is that how they always put me down, destroying my confidence. Anyway, so I was playing as much computer games as I could. Everyday, I just have this really sad look when I go to school and try to act as though nothing had happened. But the thing is, my face can’t ‘fake’ people. So I almost gave up doing homework from year 9 onwards and the teachers picked on me everyday. I was like so darn ignorant. I was really depressed because of how my family treated me and I didn’t talk to anyone about this because I just found it really embarrassing to tell. Because I thought, who would diss their family in front of friends and teachers? All the incidents that happened to me are too embarrassing anyway so I just didn’t bother to tell.

    In year 11, it was like my saddest year ever. Because for the year 10 mocks, I got like BBCCCCCC so I got dissed really badly again by my bro and sis and my parents even got so mad at it. They never understood how I felt. I said to myself, I just had to change myself. So at the beginning of year 11, I started giving up a lot of friends and resulted only in a few, which were the best ones only I think. I worked really hard in my ‘storage room’ everyday and when it became too hot I just went down to the clubhouse to do my work. Sometimes, the storage room smells really badly because of the trash. And sometimes I just have to work in my storage room because the clubhouse closes at 10 pm. There are also many crawling things inside the room and it always felt very itchy. But I just had nowhere to work.

    So this continued till the end of year 11, I was becoming a real nerd. However, nobody knew how hard I tried. When I got my results, my bro and sis couldn’t even diss me one thing anymore. My parents didn’t say much. Especially my dad, he thinks that I ‘should’ get those grades and always have this cheeky smile. Overall, no one said anything about how hard I tried. They didn’t know how things I went through, how much I ignored them, how much I endured working in the storage room, how much I concentrated by trying not to think of sad things, how much I tried to change myself from a dumb arse person to a real nerd. They didn’t even realize the look on my face everyday. They just simply have no feelings at all for me. So I got 6A* and 1A, and my bro and sis’s results were nowhere near it. However, I still didn’t diss them back. I just felt that I should be more mature than them.
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    In year 12, which is this year, I gradually gained my confidence back. At first, I tried to change myself to not being a nerd but I decided that I shouldn’t. I said to myself that I should find the best job as I can and live by myself as long as I could. I don’t know if this behaviour is right though. Anyway, my bro and sis were at their universities now but a really big argument came across between my dad and me. I was never so angry before but I felt happy that I could actually stand up for myself finally.

    It started because my dad was saying stuff that made me couldn’t stand it anymore. He said sth like ‘You haven’t felt much bitterness before, have you?’ Because we were eating a vegetable which had the Chinese word ‘bitter’ in it. I just said to him, ‘Yes I have. I’ve been working really hard for the exams.’ And he said, ‘No, that’s called hardworking.’ Then I said ‘You think you have been feeling very ‘bitter’ working in your restaurant?’ He said ‘Yes because for school, it’s called hardworking. It is never ‘bitter’ you know.’ Then I replied ‘It depends on what kind of job you get. If you are a farmer, you might have very bad working conditions because you have not much academic skills. If you are someone working in an office, it’s just the same as someone working really hard for their exams.’ And then I argued about how such an useless person he was, relying on my grandfather’s restaurant for over 15 years. His face was really red and he wasn’t so pissed ever before. I felt really comfortable after doing this because I could finally stand up for myself. My dad just didn’t have anything to say, mainly because he wasn’t very good in his academic side. He just never has this ‘mature’ way of thinking through things. You know, for someone dropping out in year 8, they wouldn’t be people with very open-minded personalities. I argued about 5 times this year, and I never did so before. I felt that I’ve grown up in some sense and started to change things that I don’t like. However, every time, my dad will just get so pissed and start arguing about other things. My mom also does this and isn’t very open-minded as well. Starting arguments for no apparent reason was something which I really don’t like. Maybe my dad just wants to win arguing me back. He just never listens to me and never asks how I feel during on these years. Even on father’s day, I didn’t say something like ‘happy father’s day’, he wouldn’t notice it and he wouldn’t see a problem in this. For like 15 years, he just cared about his restaurant that my grandfather passed on to him. He just says he’s busy all the time and thinks that he shouldn’t care anything else because he is the one who gets the money for the family. He just picked on me since I was very young and never did so to my bro and sis.
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    So I’ve been thinking through these questions below:
    Is being the smallest in the family that poor for everyone here?
    Is it right to get the elder people pissed, even though if they are wrong? (it seems not very respectful but is morally quite right)
    Should I hate my dad, mom, sis and bro? (it doesn’t sound right)
    Should I get my job, run away from my family forever and live on my own? (it doesn’t sound right again if people hear this but it does get rid of my sadness)
    Should I continue trying to convince them to my point of views? (but they never listen to me)
    Should I ignore them from now on? (I bet they won’t even notice what’s wrong with me)
    Should I continue changing myself? Eg. Argue whatever that I think is wrong.
    Should I continue being a nerd in year 13? Or should I enjoy my life instead?

    I know that you might think I would be the one who is not open-minded instead. But I think you wouldn’t realize it that until you know me. So I guess you guys should just believe what I said please.

    In fact, there was one time that I got so depressed and I thought of committing suicide. I wish I never lived in this world. But I thought, that would be a waste of my life because of how long I endured, how hard I worked for my grades in the storage room, how much I ignored when they made fun of me. I was also afraid of death so I didn’t do anything to myself. Hai, I just want to tell everyone that even though my parents are rich, and even though I’m the one who got good grades in the family, they just don’t understand their children anything and don’t know how sad I were over all these years. I really felt that as people grow up physically, their minds wouldn’t necessarily get more mature. I felt quite proud after I’ve gone through all this. I think a normal person wouldn’t be able to stand all these problems. But still, I don’t know what is the best thing that I can do to get rid of my sadness… Can anyone help me answer those questions above please?
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    If they hit you or threaten you in any way, you can get an Approhended Violence Order, AVO, now, thats Australian law which is bassed on British law so Im pretty sure that there is something like that avaliable.

    I think it may be a case of you are unfortunate enough to have a horrible family. You are entitled to help, call family services and have them assess your situation, you are entitled to live in a home without suffering this type of abuse. And it is abuse.

    Dont give up studying hard, becuase this is your last year to get it right. Dont kill youself either, or they win, and even better, since you probably can afford it, Have your family go to a group councelling session.

    I could tell you a whole lot more but its australian law and wouldnt apply, so my hands are tied, sorry.
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    Im the oldest, but i try to make my young bros and sis feel good, so i cant really tell you what to do, but IGNORE them and it will all go away, counter act them by Picking on THEM, and shuv thier mistakes in thier faces, get them in trob. dude i dunno, SORRY!
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    The problem is, they don't realize that it IS a problem. I don't get hit but I just get treated really badly. Can anyone answer those questions I posted?
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    (Original post by KOH)
    Im the oldest, but i try to make my young bros and sis feel good, so i cant really tell you what to do, but IGNORE them and it will all go away, counter act them by Picking on THEM, and shuv thier mistakes in thier faces, get them in trob. dude i dunno, SORRY!
    Okay I guess I should stand up for myself even more.
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    (Original post by chocoboy)
    Okay I guess I should stand up for myself even more.
    EXACTLY, you said they dont see as a probelm, well ofcourse they dont , have you ever told them to **** off, or leave you alone or anything to shoiw that ur beeing bothered by thier actions, i mean, hell, if you dont let them know how are they gonna know, yur thier Bro, they dont hate ya, its just smthn with Big Bros, trust me, but if you tell them they would probably let it go, although it may take time, i mean if it has become a habbit or smthn,
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    Hey, I felt really saddened after reading your post, and I recognise that life has been tough for you. I admire the way you have managed to fight through most of it, enduring any of the difficulties that have come your way.

    I guess that family problems are difficult to solve as an individual, because you can't change those around you. Maybe much of your misery has arisen because you haven't stood up for yourself enough? It seems that all your life you've just supposedly 'igored it' and not said anything. I'm not sure how most families work, but in mine, we're quick to talk about stuff we're not happy with. By not saying anything, you probably allow your siblings to taunt you even more.... they're actions are really really cruel, and a weaker person would most probably have been destroyed.

    Congratulations on your results . I'm pleased for you, coz' you've managed to channel your frustrations into something productive. I guess that all I can really say is that, work your bum off for year 12 and 13 while TRYING to enjoy yourself with friends. Friends can help a lot in terms of emotional support etc. Just find a few that you are truly comfortable with and who can accept you as who you are... After year 13, you'll be off to uni and I guess that will mark a major change in your life - freedom from your family.

    Hmm.. I gather that you're Chinese? Being chinese myself, I understand many of the problems typical in a chinese family. The whole 'respect for elders', 'just ignore them', 'good results are expected', 'don't criticise your parents', 'appreciate what you have' is very very common in A LOT of families (thankfully not mine). Until now I haven't managed to come up with reasons for this, or why it still continues.

    I can't say much, coz' I don't know you personally and family issues are always a tricky subject. I just hope that you know that someone cares and I don't dismiss your problem as being attention-seeking or anything like that. Hey, if you ever need 'friends', just log onto UKL. Some of the posts here are hilarious and are bound to lighten your load.

    Take care and all the very best.

    xoxo Flo
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    (Original post by KOH)
    EXACTLY, you said they dont see as a probelm, well ofcourse they dont , have you ever told them to **** off, or leave you alone or anything to shoiw that ur beeing bothered by thier actions, i mean, hell, if you dont let them know how are they gonna know, yur thier Bro, they dont hate ya, its just smthn with Big Bros, trust me, but if you tell them they would probably let it go, although it may take time, i mean if it has become a habbit or smthn,
    The problem is, even if I have a really sad look on my face, they don't ask me anything about it and will just think that I have a childish behaviour. Even if I say how hard I worked, they would still think that it is nothing compared to their life when they were young. They think nothing that I ever felt will be as 'bitter' as they did. But they just simply don't understand how I feel by having such low self-confidence over the years. But I became better this year though because my bro and sis went away to university. Overall, no one ever listens to me in the family. - -
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    A few wise sayings:

    No one can hurt you without your permision.
    The voice of authority should be the voice of reason.
    Don't let them make you something you're not.
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    (Original post by lilsunflower)
    Hey, I felt really saddened after reading your post, and I recognise that life has been tough for you. I admire the way you have managed to fight through most of it, enduring any of the difficulties that have come your way.

    I guess that family problems are difficult to solve as an individual, because you can't change those around you. Maybe much of your misery has arisen because you haven't stood up for yourself enough? It seems that all your life you've just supposedly 'igored it' and not said anything. I'm not sure how most families work, but in mine, we're quick to talk about stuff we're not happy with. By not saying anything, you probably allow your siblings to taunt you even more.... they're actions are really really cruel, and a weaker person would most probably have been destroyed.
    I think I was too frustrated to stand up for myself when I was young. This year I got better but it seemed not very right to piss my parents off in front of my granny. - - But the biggest problem is, they just never never listen to me. I think that's because they're not the academically bright people, so they don't understand a lot of things in life. You know, not all parents are that mature and understanding. Everything that happened just made me really tired of it so I tried to ignore it as much as I could because what can I do with such little $? Live by myself? Hmmmm, as I mentioned, I tried playing games to get rid of my sadness... but in the end, the memories just springs back. I stopped at last though, when I was in year 11, because I really felt that I should get my $ and live on my own...
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    like I said, is there a family services dept, you could call?
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    (Original post by moncal)
    A few wise sayings:

    No one can hurt you without your permision.
    The voice of authority should be the voice of reason.
    Don't let them make you something you're not.
    Yeah, but it seemed to me no matter how much I talk to them, they never understand me. So I've been ignoring just too many problems.
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    (Original post by Everdawn)
    like I said, is there a family services dept, you could call?
    There is of course, but I've been acting as though I were happy in front of them all years. It seems very shocking if they knew that I called and if I did, they wouldn't be able to solve this problem unless they call my parents out. My parents would be shocked to know about this and wouldn't understand all this behind me. They just simply live in their own worlds. They never listen to other people who are opposing them, no matter how convincing the people are. I guess it is because my parents just realize how immature they've been over the years and are always trying not to admit. I guess my parents would say 'Hey, there is nothing that you should be sad about. We live in such a rich family.' Hmmm, well what can I say? How can I change their stubborn personalities? Nobody would be able to do this.
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    I think I seem happy in front of my friends and the outside people. But for the other side of me, I just can't hide it anymore. I feel that I really need those questions that I posted to be answered.
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    I really feel sorry for you, but I have kinda similar problems. My parents r living in another country, I am here living wiv my sis. She is just really nervous and depressed because of her job, so I try to be nice everytime even in the argument where I am right I try not to argue. In addition I dont get any luv from my parents or advises. I cant tell them wat is happening wiv me and my sis. So i just have to get on wiv it. My sis is really strict and harsh wiv me. She always makes me to clean dam house, which I hate to do. Never allows to go out wiv my mates. My life is now is just go to skool then back do homework, clean the kitchen and then bed. I dont have even a time to watcht tv.
    But I know that only 1 or 2 years left and then I can go to boarding skool. So I should live one more year.
    My advise to you is just not to argue wiv ur parents, live wiv them, if u wanna live on ur own u will hav to get a job and work a lot to pay for ur rent, it can result that u can leave education. Education is very important. Try to live one more year wiv your parents and then university.
    Good lucl.
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    (Original post by chocoboy)
    I think I seem happy in front of my friends and the outside people. But for the other side of me, I just can't hide it anymore. I feel that I really need those questions that I posted to be answered.
    Nobody can or should answer those questions for you. We can only support you and offer suggestions, but in the end, make the choice that you feel most comfortable with.
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    (Original post by IZZY!)
    My advise to you is just not to argue wiv ur parents, live wiv them, if u wanna live on ur own u will hav to get a job and work a lot to pay for ur rent, it can result that u can leave education. Education is very important. Try to live one more year wiv your parents and then university.
    Good lucl.
    If I don't argue, they'll never know what is morally right and wrong due to their lack of education.
 
 
 
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