how to break up without hurting him

We had a fight a week ago about how I'm apparently not interested in him because apparently I never start the conversations and whenever he does I always say I want to sleep after 10 minutes. But that's because I've been studying a lot recently so get tired earlier than usual. And also talking to him is tiring. Whenever we talk it's mostly just him asking to see proof that I'm actually with my female friends and no guys or if I'm actually at home. Whenever he sees me online he asks who I'm talking to. He told me he'd ruin my life if I ever cheated. He looks through my phone and reads all my messages and he also called all the guys I had in my contacts and threatened them and told them to never speak to me. He told me I can't have any male friends but I don't see anything wrong with it. I know I'm not doing anything wrong and that it's a purely platonic relationship so I continued to talk to them. When he found out he broke my phone so I ended up having to buy another one.

I tried to break up with him the day before yesterday because I had enough and he basically threatened to leak some intimate pictures he has of me if I left (I'm south Asian so my parents aren't going to be happy if they find out). What should I do?

EDIT: he still keeps threatening me, I tried to tell him about how I'd tell the police if he spreaded the pictures. But then he said that apparently if I tell the police then he could just say that he was drunk when he did it and that the police would let him off. Is this true?

(edited 8 years ago)

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Reply 1

Kevin De Bruyne

Original post by tammie123

We had a fight a week ago about how I'm apparently not interested in him because apparently I never start the conversations and whenever he does I always say I want to sleep after 10 minutes. But that's because I've been studying a lot recently so get tired earlier than usual. And also talking to him is tiring. Whenever we talk it's mostly just him asking to see proof that I'm actually with my female friends and no guys or if I'm actually at home. Whenever he sees me online he asks who I'm talking to. He told me he'd ruin my life if I ever cheated. He looks through my phone and reads all my messages and he also called all the guys I had in my contacts and threatened them and told them to never speak to me. He told me I can't have any male friends but I don't see anything wrong with it. I know I'm not doing anything wrong and that it's a purely platonic relationship so I continued to talk to them. When he found out he broke my phone so I ended up having to buy another one.

I tried to break up with him today because I had enough and he basically threatened to leak some intimate pictures he has of me if I left (I'm south Asian so my parents aren't going to be happy if they find out). What should I do?

Did you make a thread saying that he threatened to do all of that stuff over the phone?

You need to get something in writing or have some kind of evidence that you can show to the police. This person has serious issues and I'd hate to see the same thing happen to someone else.

Reply 2

Ethereal World

Not sure about the title 'without hurting him'. I don't think he deserves you to be cautious to avoid his loss. He's acting like a psycho.

Break up with him and get away from that kind of manipulation. It's not healthy.

Also revenge porn is illegal. Remind him of that before he distributes your pictures and I bet he won't.

Reply 3

username1003420

Original post by SeanFM

Original post by EtherealNymph22

Yeah it was over the phone so I don't have any evidence. I know I shouldn't but I feel bad for him, that's why I don't want to hurt him.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 4

maryamzahid

Being in this situation myself I will try to advise you as much as I can.
You can't stay with him because of the emotional ties he has with you, and the fact that he is blackmailing you should confirm that you need to break up.
You're busy, you have other problems and simply putting it, a relationship isn't right for you just yet. You're a nice person, and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to break up with someone. From my own experience, I ended up depressed staying with a guy who supposedly would be 'heartbroken' if I left, so I wouldn't leave. Until one day I realised that I wasn't in love with him, sure I cared, but I couldn't do this to him anymore. He was controlling, and often belittled me when he had a chance too, on the sly too.
Explain to him, that you have too much work, too many commitments and whatnot, and say that the feelings aren't the same anymore. Be honest and put your foot down.
It will be hard, obviously but in the long run-you will be fine and can do better.

Reply 5

Pluto1

Original post by tammie123

We had a fight a week ago about how I'm apparently not interested in him because apparently I never start the conversations and whenever he does I always say I want to sleep after 10 minutes. But that's because I've been studying a lot recently so get tired earlier than usual. And also talking to him is tiring. Whenever we talk it's mostly just him asking to see proof that I'm actually with my female friends and no guys or if I'm actually at home. Whenever he sees me online he asks who I'm talking to. He told me he'd ruin my life if I ever cheated. He looks through my phone and reads all my messages and he also called all the guys I had in my contacts and threatened them and told them to never speak to me. He told me I can't have any male friends but I don't see anything wrong with it. I know I'm not doing anything wrong and that it's a purely platonic relationship so I continued to talk to them. When he found out he broke my phone so I ended up having to buy another one.

I tried to break up with him today because I had enough and he basically threatened to leak some intimate pictures he has of me if I left (I'm south Asian so my parents aren't going to be happy if they find out). What should I do?

Hey,
I hope you're okay. I feel really sorry for you but you should know that you can get out of this and that is by contacting the police.
Try and screenshot any threatening messages he has sent you and use them as evidence.
Also, try and talk to a teacher about this. I know it sounds lame but they may be more understanding than your parents... maybe?
Good luck xx

Reply 6

SonOfTheGun

Call his bluff, if he leaks those pictures he's going on the sex offenders register with possible jail time.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 7

Kevin De Bruyne

Original post by tammie123

Yeah it was over the phone so I don't have any evidence

if you do want to 'get' him perhaps you could send him a text saying 'promise me that you won't send any nudes to anyone' and depending on how he replies it could be enough.. but I'm not sure :holmes:

there must be someone professional that you can talk to about this.

A more dangerous option is to just break up with him and have him do it and get busted for it - the downside is that people may or may not see if his threats are actually real.

But you're not safe as you are. For him to break your phone and do all the things he's done.. he's a monster.

Reply 8

Ethereal World

Original post by tammie123

Yeah it was over the phone so I don't have any evidence. I know I shouldn't but I feel bad for him, that's why I don't want to hurt him.

How did you send him pictures ? The evidence of you sending them from your phone to his is evidence and also if he distributes them via the Internet it can be traced. He also has a motive.

I understand you might feel bad but that's just a testament to how much of a nice person you are considering how controlling he is being. People who declare they are going to do things often don't follow through.

Reply 9

tinkerbell_xxx

He sounds so controlling trying to tell you who you can talk to. You definitely need to leave him.
Can you get on his phone and delete the pictures? Or do you think he'd have them saved somewhere else?

Reply 10

username1003420

Original post by tinkerbell_xxx

I'm not sure if he'd have it saved somewhere else, and even if he didn't he wouldn't let me delete them (I tried).

Reply 11

tinkerbell_xxx

Original post by tammie123

I'm not sure if he'd have it saved somewhere else, and even if he didn't he wouldn't let me delete them (I tried).

Hmm does he have a nicer/softer side or is he always that controlling? If he does then try to talk to him calmly like that and explain how you aren't happy and don't like not being trusted etc
The pictures may also be a worry as you will never know he deletes them unless you see it yourself

Reply 12

username1003420

Original post by tinkerbell_xxx

He's actually a really sweet guy overall but he has severe anger problems, which is why I'm so scared.

Reply 13

tinkerbell_xxx

Original post by tammie123

He's actually a really sweet guy overall but he has severe anger problems, which is why I'm so scared.

I totally understand. Is he happy with you? Maybe him breaking up with you would help because it would be his decision (sort of)

Reply 14

username1003420

Original post by tinkerbell_xxx

I totally understand. Is he happy with you? Maybe him breaking up with you would help because it would be his decision (sort of)

Yeah I guess I could try and make him break up with me instead. He seems happy with me so I don't know if that will work

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 15

tinkerbell_xxx

Original post by tammie123

Yeah I guess I could try and make him break up with me instead. He seems happy with me so I don't know if that will work

This is where it could become difficult- if you do something to try and make him end it, he may get very angry at whatever you did. Its such an awkward situation :frown:

Reply 16

username1003420

Original post by tinkerbell_xxx

This is where it could become difficult- if you do something to try and make him end it, he may get very angry at whatever you did. Its such an awkward situation :frown:

Yeah it really is :frown:

, the best option I have is getting evidence of him threatening me with the pictures in writing. But if this doesn't work there's nothing else :frown:

Reply 17

tinkerbell_xxx

Original post by tammie123

Yeah it really is :frown:

, the best option I have is getting evidence of him threatening me with the pictures in writing. But if this doesn't work there's nothing else :frown:

I hope it all works out for you :smile: