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How to forgive my parents, and move on...? watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter

    I know I'm inevitably going to get some hate on this post, so I'll say beforehand that I know I've been very lucky and privileged in life.

    But, I really need some advice from someone. I should be in my last year at Oxford, working towards my finals. I've been academically successful until now, though I haven't really had a university experience, because I've been so obsessed by work. However, I've been sent down until next year, after a sudden an unexpected breakdown just before christmas.

    i'm now at home, in my parent's house (aged 21!) and have has a lot of time to think through things. I've realised that there were a lot of issues which I had buried under work and academic success, most of which originate from my time at boarding school. In fact, until recently, my whole experience of school was just a blank in my head, it was so traumatic.

    It sounds so selfish of me, but I'm having real difficulties coming to terms with the fact that my parents did nothing to help me when I was vulnerable young girl, and so clearly desperately unhappy. They must know they made a mistake, because they have sent my younger siblings to another school, and are altogether more nurturing than they were with me. It is difficult, because I feel I have had my childhood and teenage happiness taken away from me, and yet i see my younger brother and sister being everything that teenagers should be, and blossoming into lovely young adults.

    I remember there being a discussion, just after GCSEs, over whether they should move me to another school. But they decided it would be too disruptive. Too disruptive? I so used to be shoved around that I never even spoke up for myself, just accepted it because I thought they knew best for me. But those two years should have been some the happiest of my life, and they were absolute hell. It just got worse and worse.

    They also knew I had talent and potential - I could play music on piano by listening to the radio at a very young age, I seemed to be able to absorb languages and information, I could draw and paint well, everyone would describe me as funny, smiling and charming as a child - but never encouraged me. I was so unhappy at school that I stopped doing all those things, and spent all my time either crying, or smothering my despair with academic work. And this went on for five years.

    I thought at least Oxford would make up for it, but now everything has caught up with me, and is ruining my life again. I just want a chance to be happy, and i can't help but feel so resentful towards my parents.

    Its definitely not your parent's fault. They didn't stop you from painting and other stuff right?

    You really need to talk to them about, parents make mistakes but if it's something that really bothers you, it could be beneficial to speak to a therapist. You have a right to be happy and I'm sure your parents only wanted what was best for you but at the end of the day, it's not healthy to carry something like this around. Give them the chance to explain and make amends, you can only move on from here so try not to focus too much on the past, good luck!
    • #2

    I'm so sorry you feel overwhelmed at the moment. Don't be hard on yourself - this is not your fault and it won't ruin your whole life. Put your feelings about your parents to one side - you need to concentrate on you. Get help - doctor, student adviser, therapist. Have a holiday. Volunteer. Book a facial. Whatever it takes. Your health is a serious matter but your life is not ruined - you can get through this. x
    • PS Reviewer

    PS Reviewer
    Oxford (as it seems you've found out) has a tendency to compound problems, rather than make up for them :sadnod:

    I'm sorry you had such a tough time at boarding school, and to hear about your breakdown (though technically, if you're able to go back next year, you have rusticated. Being sent down means you're not allowed back! :eek: ). It sounds really difficult and I can see how and why you are frustrated.

    I agree with what has been said above about finding a therapist and maybe having an honest conversation with your parents about this. Though perhaps before you DO have a conversation with your parents, you need to prepare yourself, both for what you would like the outcomes to be, but also for the fact that the outcomes may not be achieved.

    I hope you are getting proper medical support from professionals and that you are addressing any other issues that may have factored into your breakdown.

    If it would help to talk to someone who had a breakdown at Oxford but lived to tell the tale, then do feel free to PM me (I can't PM you, coz you're anon). I won't tell anyone who you are. Obviously I'm not a professional and there's not much I can do, but I like to think I'm a good listener
    • #1
    • Thread Starter

    (Original post by Kamran Fazal)
    Its definitely not your parent's fault. They didn't stop you from painting and other stuff right?
    I'm not saying its their fault. It's not even that I blame them. I just feel resentful.

    And no, they didn't stop me - but I just became such a mess that those sorts of things, which once gave me joy, became impossible.

    I have known a few people a bit like you. People whose parents pushed them so hard academically at the cost of everything else, insisting that it would be worth it when they got to a great university. Supposedly Oxbridge was the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Worryingly this seems to result in stressed, anxious young adults who feel they have missed out on other aspects of life. Ultimately there is more to life than study.

    Having taken time out you have had an opportunity to analyse your life for what it really is and you clearly don't like what you see. I think you are suffering from OCD. Being pulled in different directions by the demands of your degree and your social life.

    Were you bullied at school? PM me if you want to tell me more about your 'trauma'.

    To sum up. I get the impression you were very unhappy at school and survived by creating a false reality in which academic achievement was the only thing that mattered.

    I think you need to tell your parents how you feel and get professional counselling.
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