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You want a complicated situation? Read this!
Hi Chaps and Chapettes,
This isn't my first post on TSR, not that I'm a regular. But I read in a sticky that they've apparently taken away my beloved anonymous posting feature, so I'm back with a new persona!
Since it's probably relevant to this thread, I'm a 21 year old male Engineering graduate, about to take my last entrance test to join the army as an officer cadet.
I have no idea about writing about situations like this, so I'm just going to dive in!
When I was 19, a girl that was very special to me broke off our relationship after 4 years. Considering the level of intimacy that one develops after having known a girl for then almost a quarter of your life, you can imagine how messy this break off was. I was absolutely devastated. It felt like someone had pulled a Terminator on me and had shoved a hand straight through my chest. Although not driving at the time!
I never really got a straight reason for why she did what she did, but she did it over the phone, from a few hundred miles away. As I went to Uni, I had to move away term time.
You're probably thinking that she's not worth the bother if she hasn't got the guts to tell me something like that face to face?
So did I. I put it down to cowardice, at the time anyway.
As I matured a bit in the two years since, I've had the time to think about it. I'm over her now, to a certain extent at least.
But considering our age, and the fact we'd only seen eachother for four years, I can see why she felt she had to end our relationship.
I met her once since, about 15 months ago. We played pool, and just talked. Seeing that the other one was alive, etc. The same spark was there. She smiled a lot, and relaxed almost instantly. I'm not the best judge of people's character, but I could see other people's reaction to us. They could see and feel that there was a history between us two. It was a very positive thing.
Like the first time we met.
I haven't had any contact with her since. I know a lot of her friends, but see them rarely. I don't ask them for details. As long as they say she's alive and happy, I don't want to know more.
Now, with that history in a nutshell implanted in you, the reader, I can get to my point.
As I'm joining the army, I long ago came to accept that this is a dangerous career, and I might not come back alive from where HMG sees fit to send me. I can accept this, it's why I'm joining. I do not want an ordinary, safe life. Once I've joined, seeing her will get a whole world more difficult.
I'm sure that an intelligent reader that frequents forums such as these recognise that it is unlikely I'll be killed, but it is a possibility.
Here's the point: I do not want to go potentially to my death, or at least not see her for another 5 years, without knowing if what I saw as a spark is real, or merely a damp squib, long extinguished.
I find myself wanting to ask her, in a gentle but straightforward manner, whether she has any feelings for me anymore. Not in a show of weakness. I do not feel desperate, or unhappy.
I have no problem if she says no. I consider it the most likely answer, by about a 60:40 chance.
But I don't want to throw something like that away. Let's just say that the women I've met/dated and more since haven't been in the same game, let alone league, as this girl was. If there is still something there, I'd be a fool to throw it away. It is not in my nature to go down without a fight! lol
So, TSR, the ball is firmly in your court. I need an opinion. Or five.
Ask questions, poke and prod. I have no problem with someone saying this is a bad idea, or it's stupid.
Just tell me what you honestly think!
Mr. Anonymous.
This isn't my first post on TSR, not that I'm a regular. But I read in a sticky that they've apparently taken away my beloved anonymous posting feature, so I'm back with a new persona!
Since it's probably relevant to this thread, I'm a 21 year old male Engineering graduate, about to take my last entrance test to join the army as an officer cadet.
I have no idea about writing about situations like this, so I'm just going to dive in!
When I was 19, a girl that was very special to me broke off our relationship after 4 years. Considering the level of intimacy that one develops after having known a girl for then almost a quarter of your life, you can imagine how messy this break off was. I was absolutely devastated. It felt like someone had pulled a Terminator on me and had shoved a hand straight through my chest. Although not driving at the time!
I never really got a straight reason for why she did what she did, but she did it over the phone, from a few hundred miles away. As I went to Uni, I had to move away term time.
You're probably thinking that she's not worth the bother if she hasn't got the guts to tell me something like that face to face?
So did I. I put it down to cowardice, at the time anyway.
As I matured a bit in the two years since, I've had the time to think about it. I'm over her now, to a certain extent at least.
But considering our age, and the fact we'd only seen eachother for four years, I can see why she felt she had to end our relationship.
I met her once since, about 15 months ago. We played pool, and just talked. Seeing that the other one was alive, etc. The same spark was there. She smiled a lot, and relaxed almost instantly. I'm not the best judge of people's character, but I could see other people's reaction to us. They could see and feel that there was a history between us two. It was a very positive thing.
Like the first time we met.
I haven't had any contact with her since. I know a lot of her friends, but see them rarely. I don't ask them for details. As long as they say she's alive and happy, I don't want to know more.
Now, with that history in a nutshell implanted in you, the reader, I can get to my point.
As I'm joining the army, I long ago came to accept that this is a dangerous career, and I might not come back alive from where HMG sees fit to send me. I can accept this, it's why I'm joining. I do not want an ordinary, safe life. Once I've joined, seeing her will get a whole world more difficult.
I'm sure that an intelligent reader that frequents forums such as these recognise that it is unlikely I'll be killed, but it is a possibility.
Here's the point: I do not want to go potentially to my death, or at least not see her for another 5 years, without knowing if what I saw as a spark is real, or merely a damp squib, long extinguished.
I find myself wanting to ask her, in a gentle but straightforward manner, whether she has any feelings for me anymore. Not in a show of weakness. I do not feel desperate, or unhappy.
I have no problem if she says no. I consider it the most likely answer, by about a 60:40 chance.
But I don't want to throw something like that away. Let's just say that the women I've met/dated and more since haven't been in the same game, let alone league, as this girl was. If there is still something there, I'd be a fool to throw it away. It is not in my nature to go down without a fight! lol
So, TSR, the ball is firmly in your court. I need an opinion. Or five.
Ask questions, poke and prod. I have no problem with someone saying this is a bad idea, or it's stupid.
Just tell me what you honestly think!
Mr. Anonymous.
Scroll to see replies
Why not? You've got nothing to lose.
Fingers crossed for you anyway
Fingers crossed for you anyway
Mr. Anonymous
I have no problem if she says no. I consider it the most likely answer, by about a 60:40 chance.
But I don't want to throw something like that away.
I have no problem if she says no. I consider it the most likely answer, by about a 60:40 chance.
But I don't want to throw something like that away.
So what happens if she says yes? Will you stay, and give things with her a try? Or will you go off to the army anyway with a little boost from knowing that she still cares about you?
If it's the former, then definitely ask her; you have nothing to lose and perhaps everything to gain. If it's the latter, my advice would be to stay quiet. Because if she does have feelings for you still, you're going to dredge up a whole lot of emotion and then leave her for, as you've said yourself, a potentially dangerous career. That's just not fair on her (or on you either, really).
I know how it feels to have a spark like that, and I always think these things are worth the risk. But if you're potentially only going to end up breaking her heart by leaving regardless, and perhaps also hurting yourself in the process, then I'd urge extreme caution.
Let us know what you decide
Where to start, really.
You're quite clearly still not over her - and if she really is the greatest thing that ever happened to you and nobody else compares, then you absolutely have to tell her this - you can't live the rest of your life wondering what if. Worst that can happen is she says she's not interested in you in that way anymore etc. etc. and then you can actually put the idea to bed and start getting on with the rest of your life and other women.
You're quite clearly still not over her - and if she really is the greatest thing that ever happened to you and nobody else compares, then you absolutely have to tell her this - you can't live the rest of your life wondering what if. Worst that can happen is she says she's not interested in you in that way anymore etc. etc. and then you can actually put the idea to bed and start getting on with the rest of your life and other women.
There are replies to this thread, yet I can only see my own post when I look at it. WTF?
No, it's fixed itself now
I seem to have to type an extra post everytime I want to read what anyone else has written!
sidi
How did the meeting come about 15 months ago? Arranged or by chance?
It was arranged.
After about 6 months after the breakup, she started emailing me asking me how I was doing.
I didn't reply often, as I was still really broken up about the whole thing.
But I eventually replied, and we sorted out a meeting.
bewithoutyou
So what happens if she says yes? Will you stay, and give things with her a try? Or will you go off to the army anyway with a little boost from knowing that she still cares about you?
If it's the former, then definitely ask her; you have nothing to lose and perhaps everything to gain. If it's the latter, my advice would be to stay quiet. Because if she does have feelings for you still, you're going to dredge up a whole lot of emotion and then leave her for, as you've said yourself, a potentially dangerous career. That's just not fair on her (or on you either, really).
I know how it feels to have a spark like that, and I always think these things are worth the risk. But if you're potentially only going to end up breaking her heart by leaving regardless, and perhaps also hurting yourself in the process, then I'd urge extreme caution.
Let us know what you decide
If it's the former, then definitely ask her; you have nothing to lose and perhaps everything to gain. If it's the latter, my advice would be to stay quiet. Because if she does have feelings for you still, you're going to dredge up a whole lot of emotion and then leave her for, as you've said yourself, a potentially dangerous career. That's just not fair on her (or on you either, really).
I know how it feels to have a spark like that, and I always think these things are worth the risk. But if you're potentially only going to end up breaking her heart by leaving regardless, and perhaps also hurting yourself in the process, then I'd urge extreme caution.
Let us know what you decide
I can see what you're saying, and I can't argue with that kind of logic.
It doesn't help my feelings though.
I guess I can't guarantee her the most constant of relationships, but there are ways and means around that.
I never did find out if she's one of those girls who likes uniforms
It sounds as if this is something you will just keep wondering about unless you find out.
Hmmm... and if you find out she still cares? What will you do? By asking her, if she says yes you will get her hopes or put some kind of thought into her head that you might get back together one day. Is that what you want?
If I'm going to be really cynical about everything, I would say that if you have no intentions of getting back together with her, there is no point bringing this up. What do you hope to achieve? Yes you would know where she stood but you wouldnt do anything about it (or would you?) and she will end up just sitting here probably having her heart being torn apart all over again because she's been made to resurface her feelings. To put it really harshly, and I know that you don't mean it this way - you're being quite selfish.
I havent read your post properly I'm really tired so sorry if I missed a point somewhere...
If I'm going to be really cynical about everything, I would say that if you have no intentions of getting back together with her, there is no point bringing this up. What do you hope to achieve? Yes you would know where she stood but you wouldnt do anything about it (or would you?) and she will end up just sitting here probably having her heart being torn apart all over again because she's been made to resurface her feelings. To put it really harshly, and I know that you don't mean it this way - you're being quite selfish.
I havent read your post properly I'm really tired so sorry if I missed a point somewhere...
Mr. Anonymous
It was arranged.
After about 6 months after the breakup, she started emailing me asking me how I was doing.
I didn't reply often, as I was still really broken up about the whole thing.
But I eventually replied, and we sorted out a meeting.
After about 6 months after the breakup, she started emailing me asking me how I was doing.
I didn't reply often, as I was still really broken up about the whole thing.
But I eventually replied, and we sorted out a meeting.
Well, I think you must come right out with it and ask her. It's eating away at you as it is. You won't be able to finally get over her until you know one way or the other. If she doesn't want a relationship you've haven't lost anything but you know you must move on. If she does say yes you've got everything to gain. It will be difficult for her to make a commitment to you if you are going to be away in the army so if she does say yes it will really mean something. Good luck.
Dude don't waste anytime, rude boi, go for it, lift her up, be happy, seriously I read your post, and I know what sort of girl your referring to, shame about the army good luck with that. You sound serious and quite calm, so talk to her as soon as you can, if she is as good as you say then she wont be around for much longer, you got nothing to loose because its not as if she will be in your face from then on if she says no badly, good luck. Please post back here mate, go now, do it, commanding you
good luck with that. You sound serious and quite calm, so talk to her as soon as you can, if she is as good as you say then she wont be around for much longer, you got nothing to loose because its not as if she will be in your face from then on if she says no badly, good luck. Please post back here mate, go now, do it, commanding youmangomaz
Everyone is telling you to do it because it would be good for you to see how she feels. Think about the position you're putting her in. Are you doing her any favours? Guys can be so self centred sometimes... 
Without wishing to offend, please spare me your condescending attitude. I am aware that my career doesn't exactly make me easy to get hold of.
You could interpret her previous actions as selfish, as she didn't have the character to end a relationship face to face, merely to save herself an awkward situation.
Your flippant comment generalising half the human race is interesting!
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