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I'm not sure if we should break up or not (kind of long!) Watch

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    We've been seeing each other for a year now after meeting online. If I'm honest, I didn't find him very attractive from his pictures, and I was even less attracted after meeting up (we've met like 5 times). Our relationship is long distance too so meeting up is difficult. On the days we do meet, he says we should stick to about 4 hours as any longer than that is 'too long'. Our work schedules conflict too, he likes to sleep very early on work days, so we don't call or webcam those nights, and I have very early shifts - again no calling, it keeps getting in the way.

    I don't really want to be in this relationship anymore. I fell in love with his personality but the things I found cute are now annoying. I never was affectionate, but turned affectionate for him and now I've become unaffectionate again. I don't like calling anymore as we have nothing to talk about, unless I think of all the topics and I'm sick of it. I feel like this everyday but I keep hoping I'll feel differently tomorrow.. I do some days but most days I feel like I honestly wouldn't mind being single. I was single for a long time before this, and I really liked focusing on myself.

    Another thing is, he is very, very insecure about his looks, and I've always told him he was beautiful. I like confident guys or shy guys that can talk somewhat, but he won't even talk to anybody, he won't kiss me or hold my hand in public as it's 'awkward' in public he says? He NEVER makes decisions either as to what we should do or where we could go, it's always 'I dunno' meaning I have to decide every little detail. He is very volatile too, when things go wrong in our relationship, he harms himself, sometimes faints and ends up in hospital. He depends on me A LOT and leaving him could be very disastrous so I'm scared. Am I just going through a phase? I don't know what to do anymore.
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    You should definitely dump them, I'm sure it's really upsetting knowing what they might do but you are not responsible for that! It honestly doesn't sound like either of you are happy in that relationship so it would probably be better long term if you broke up yeah. If you're really worried about them then make sure you tell some of their friends or family who can keep an eye on them maybe? But you should be happy and if breaking up will lead to that then do it!


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    i think the best thing you can do is tell him how you feel, see how he reacts and then go from there. if he agrees or whatever than maybe you're best not together, or he could want to make it work and change his ways if that makes sense, like he might start making more effort ect. if thats what you wanted anyway, just make sure you dont stay in a situation where you are unhappy!
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    A year and you've only met five times? Bloody hell you guys are slow

    How long each time? Like a 20 minute hello in a car park?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We've been seeing each other for a year now after meeting online. If I'm honest, I didn't find him very attractive from his pictures, and I was even less attracted after meeting up (we've met like 5 times). Our relationship is long distance too so meeting up is difficult. On the days we do meet, he says we should stick to about 4 hours as any longer than that is 'too long'. Our work schedules conflict too, he likes to sleep very early on work days, so we don't call or webcam those nights, and I have very early shifts - again no calling, it keeps getting in the way.

    Another thing is, he is very, very insecure about his looks, and I've always told him he was beautiful. I like confident guys or shy guys that can talk somewhat, but he won't even talk to anybody, he won't kiss me or hold my hand in public as it's 'awkward' in public he says? He NEVER makes decisions either as to what we should do or where we could go, it's always 'I dunno' meaning I have to decide every little detail. He is very volatile too, when things go wrong in our relationship, he harms himself, sometimes faints and ends up in hospital. He depends on me A LOT and leaving him could be very disastrous so I'm scared. Am I just going through a phase? I don't know what to do anymore.
    Ok don't think we're getting the full picture here
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    He's high maintenance and draining you. Time has run it's course. Move on and find someone closer to home (much closer)!

    Life is too short as it is to faff around with difficult long distance relationships - especially when you are so obviously getting very little in return for your (albeit limited) effort.

    Don't dwell on it. He is not your responsibility and definitely do not succumb to any emotional blackmail threats of self-harm. However hard that is to take, he has a choice - to self-harm or not to self-harm and you are absolutely NOT responsible for his choice.

    Dump him now and begin your new life without the noose and concrete shoes.

    Good luck.
    • #1
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    #1

    I feel like the mean person in this situation however, and I am. He is the sweetest, loveliest most understand guy I've ever met. He loves me to pieces and always tells me how much he loves me and leaves me cute messages. He suggests we call and webcam so he does make an effort, I'm the one who dreads it because I know we'll just be staring at the camera blankly with nothing to say, and I know our calls will be mostly silent so I avoid it on purpose.

    He is so perfect in every way. I didn't care much about his looks, that didn't turn me off because our relationship still worked. I don't know what's wrong with me or why my feelings changed, he hasn't changed anything about himself, my own thoughts are what's changed. His ex hurt him a lot because she was controlling he says, and he let her do whatever she wanted, and he told me that's why he struggles to make decisions with me as to what we should do when we go out. I don't want to be the person to break him. I don't even WANT to tell him anything I've wrote here because it ruins his mood for the whole day, and he gets depressed.
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    From what you've described, it sounds like it won't work out from your point of view, though everything may seem fine to him.

    If you do break up with him, explain exactly why and how he can improve.

    And I'm not sure how often you actaully call him or talk to him but maybe you do too much and've run out of things to say.
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    (Original post by Das Ich Man)
    Ok don't think we're getting the full picture here
    What do you mean? I didn't find him all that attractive but I understood that there is a whole lot more to a relationship than appearances, and he was so amazing that I didn't really care and continued anyway. I would never say anything about his appearance because that would really not help with his insecurities so I compliment his hair and eyes etc.
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    (Original post by georgieeb487)
    i think the best thing you can do is tell him how you feel, see how he reacts and then go from there. if he agrees or whatever than maybe you're best not together, or he could want to make it work and change his ways if that makes sense, like he might start making more effort ect. if thats what you wanted anyway, just make sure you dont stay in a situation where you are unhappy!
    I really don't want to tell him anything because I'm not sure how he'll react. Small things that I've talked to him about in the past, has made him very depressed and landed him in hospital. He suffers from anxiety too and these sorts of things bring out his anxiety, because he has always been very anxious that one day I'd leave him because he thinks I'm 'too good for him' which I've told him is BS and that I love him.
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    (Original post by uberteknik)
    He's high maintenance and draining you. Time has run it's course. Move on and find someone closer to home (much closer)!

    Life is too short as it is to faff around with difficult long distance relationships - especially when you are so obviously getting very little in return for your (albeit limited) effort.

    Don't dwell on it. He is not your responsibility and definitely do not succumb to any emotional blackmail threats of self-harm. However hard that is to take, he has a choice - to self-harm or not to self-harm and you are absolutely NOT responsible for his choice.

    Dump him now and begin your new life without the noose and concrete shoes.

    Good luck.
    how exactly is he the high maintenance one? read properly lol
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    (Original post by SeanFM)
    From what you've described, it sounds like it won't work out from your point of view, though everything may seem fine to him.

    If you do break up with him, explain exactly why and how he can improve.

    And I'm not sure how often you actaully call him or talk to him but maybe you do too much and've run out of things to say.
    He wanted us to call every night at first for about 2-3 hours for the first 9 months (so until we went to bed basically). He also wanted me to call when I was on the way home from work (so another 2 hours.. I'd try to end it after an hour but he'd get annoyed and cut the call because he wanted 2 hours to talk, I was a bit sick of calling at this point because I'd already be tired from working and would want to relax already - he did apologise for cutting the call and hasn't done it again. We'd also be texting throughout the day.

    I haven't been calling him on my way home anymore even though he wants to. I haven't been texting much, I haven't been into webcamming. I don't know, I don't mind him talking to me but I've just been loving my own space recently and doing my own thing. Selfish I know.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He wanted us to call every night at first for about 2-3 hours for the first 9 months (so until we went to bed basically). He also wanted me to call when I was on the way home from work (so another 2 hours.. I'd try to end it after an hour but he'd get annoyed and cut the call because he wanted 2 hours to talk, I was a bit sick of calling at this point because I'd already be tired from working and would want to relax already - he did apologise for cutting the call and hasn't done it again. We'd also be texting throughout the day.

    I haven't been calling him on my way home anymore even though he wants to. I haven't been texting much, I haven't been into webcamming. I don't know, I don't mind him talking to me but I've just been loving my own space recently and doing my own thing. Selfish I know.
    I think the damage was done by how often you had to call. That's way too much. I used to skype an ex for a few hours every single day and it was just too much, and we both knew it and cut it down. But it was too late - most of our conversations were full of silence and we are no longer together (for other reasons, not just that one).

    I don't think it's selfish, it's just become stale and maybe it's time to move on.
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    (Original post by welcometoib)
    how exactly is he the high maintenance one? read properly lol
    He is insecure;
    He suffers from anxiety;
    He won't talk to anybody;
    He does not like public displays of affection;
    He never makes decisions;
    He is volatile;
    He self harms;
    He depends on the OP.


    All the OP's words not mine.

    That little lot sums up to high emotional maintenance. QED.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We've been seeing each other for a year now after meeting online. If I'm honest, I didn't find him very attractive from his pictures, and I was even less attracted after meeting up (we've met like 5 times). Our relationship is long distance too so meeting up is difficult. On the days we do meet, he says we should stick to about 4 hours as any longer than that is 'too long'. Our work schedules conflict too, he likes to sleep very early on work days, so we don't call or webcam those nights, and I have very early shifts - again no calling, it keeps getting in the way.

    I don't really want to be in this relationship anymore. I fell in love with his personality but the things I found cute are now annoying. I never was affectionate, but turned affectionate for him and now I've become unaffectionate again. I don't like calling anymore as we have nothing to talk about, unless I think of all the topics and I'm sick of it. I feel like this everyday but I keep hoping I'll feel differently tomorrow.. I do some days but most days I feel like I honestly wouldn't mind being single. I was single for a long time before this, and I really liked focusing on myself.

    Another thing is, he is very, very insecure about his looks, and I've always told him he was beautiful. I like confident guys or shy guys that can talk somewhat, but he won't even talk to anybody, he won't kiss me or hold my hand in public as it's 'awkward' in public he says? He NEVER makes decisions either as to what we should do or where we could go, it's always 'I dunno' meaning I have to decide every little detail. He is very volatile too, when things go wrong in our relationship, he harms himself, sometimes faints and ends up in hospital. He depends on me A LOT and leaving him could be very disastrous so I'm scared. Am I just going through a phase? I don't know what to do anymore.
    Being someone who has a friend suffering from depression, I know that this is a tough situation.
    From what it seems by your posts, you're in a relationship out of pity, which really isn't healthy for yourself. It's clear that you don't want to be in this anymore and it's clear that you're only doing so as he might do something bad to himself. What he does to himself is his choice, and you hold no responsibility for that as you've done nothing wrong. You should make a rational decision, either stay in if you're happy and you think it's working out, or leave the relationship if you're unhappy with it and it's not working out.
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    5 times in one year? I'd break up. Not only because of that, but because you're unhappy.
 
 
 
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