My relationship is a mess Watch

UniStudent45
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#1
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Okay, so me and my boyfriend broke up in the early January. It was a mutual break up but was very messy... We'd been together for 3 years but had been breaking up and getting back together for months but in January we really needed it to be over for good. We'd been having a lot of problems: we were always fighting, we hardly saw each other even though we lived together, I felt insecure about the people he hung out with. All in all, I just felt so alone all the time and he was tired of my sh*t.

After our break up, I went back to uni to carry on with assignments and he stayed home to study. I was dealing with it. Hurting, but dealing with it. He apparently was not. A week later he came back to our house and he gave me an ultimatum: Live together and be in a relationship or he would move out and we wouldn't speak/see each other for a long time. I panicked and one thing lead to another and I ended up sleeping with him. I was so confused about how I felt and said I needed to consider it before agreeing.

The next night however, he went out with a few friends. The people who I didn't like and made me feel insecure due to issues in the past like: my boyfriend going out with them and not coming home till 3am/5am/not all, or him coming home drunk telling me that he liked a girl as much as he liked me. Anyway, he ended up bringing his friends back to our home at 12am. I had to be up at 6am for work the next day and our housemates had to be up at 7am. He said he would keep the noise down but of course that didn't happen. They trashed the kitchen, a girl threw up in our bathroom, they played music, the whole place smelt like alcohol and smoke and WORST of all, as my bedroom is right next to the kitchen, I had to listen to his friends tell him that I was a jealous crazy ex and he deserved much better than me for 3 hours till they left...

I was crushed. Heart broken. I called up a friend to visit me the next day and told her what had happened and after a lot of tears and consoling she invited me out on a night out to help me get over it. She said that she knew a guy she thought I would like. So I went. But between the time she left and the time of our night out, my ex and I had a heart to heart. He was crying saying that he ****ed up and wanted me back and begged for me to forgive him. I said I was confused about my feelings but because I was also upset and lonely I slept with him again! We ended up agreeing to see how things went between us for a couple of months before officially getting back together and telling people.

So I never told my friend and went to the party...

I hoped that if I did meet this 'guy' my friend wanted me to meet that I could stop anything from happening, but that's not how things went... I met the guy and he was lovely and sweet and exactly my type. Me, my friend and a bunch of her friends went back to this guys house for post evening drinks. My friend as much as I loved her is a very messy drunk and ended up passing out a few minutes after arriving at the house and me and this guy was also very drunk. I knew no one else well enough in the house. There was an awful lot of pressure for me to do things with this guy and before my drunk brain knew it I was in his room and we were getting undressed. It felt wrong. I wanted my ex/boyfriend. It wasn't the same. But this other guy was forceful and I was scared and my friend was passed out and I didn't know how to get home and I knew nobody else at the party. So I stayed.

I felt awful and embarrassed. I felt guilty and disgusting. I left the next morning and packed to go back home away from uni. When I got back to uni after a couple of days, my ex/boyfriend/I have no clue was being so sweet and nice to me and I felt so ashamed. He could tell something was wrong so I told him what happened in the best way I could.

He hates me now. He making plans to move out while he spends time at home. I feel so awful and messed up and I have no idea what to think or feel. I know I deserve his hate and I hate myself. I want to make this better. I want to fix this but I don't know how. How do I make him feel better? He says I broke him. How do I fix this? How do I make this all go away?
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Jammie_x
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#2
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(Original post by UniStudent45)
Okay, so me and my boyfriend broke up in the early January. It was a mutual break up but was very messy... We'd been together for 3 years but had been breaking up and getting back together for months but in January we really needed it to be over for good. We'd been having a lot of problems: we were always fighting, we hardly saw each other even though we lived together, I felt insecure about the people he hung out with. All in all, I just felt so alone all the time and he was tired of my sh*t.

After our break up, I went back to uni to carry on with assignments and he stayed home to study. I was dealing with it. Hurting, but dealing with it. He apparently was not. A week later he came back to our house and he gave me an ultimatum: Live together and be in a relationship or he would move out and we wouldn't speak/see each other for a long time. I panicked and one thing lead to another and I ended up sleeping with him. I was so confused about how I felt and said I needed to consider it before agreeing.

The next night however, he went out with a few friends. The people who I didn't like and made me feel insecure due to issues in the past like: my boyfriend going out with them and not coming home till 3am/5am/not all, or him coming home drunk telling me that he liked a girl as much as he liked me. Anyway, he ended up bringing his friends back to our home at 12am. I had to be up at 6am for work the next day and our housemates had to be up at 7am. He said he would keep the noise down but of course that didn't happen. They trashed the kitchen, a girl threw up in our bathroom, they played music, the whole place smelt like alcohol and smoke and WORST of all, as my bedroom is right next to the kitchen, I had to listen to his friends tell him that I was a jealous crazy ex and he deserved much better than me for 3 hours till they left...

I was crushed. Heart broken. I called up a friend to visit me the next day and told her what had happened and after a lot of tears and consoling she invited me out on a night out to help me get over it. She said that she knew a guy she thought I would like. So I went. But between the time she left and the time of our night out, my ex and I had a heart to heart. He was crying saying that he ****ed up and wanted me back and begged for me to forgive him. I said I was confused about my feelings but because I was also upset and lonely I slept with him again! We ended up agreeing to see how things went between us for a couple of months before officially getting back together and telling people.

So I never told my friend and went to the party...

I hoped that if I did meet this 'guy' my friend wanted me to meet that I could stop anything from happening, but that's not how things went... I met the guy and he was lovely and sweet and exactly my type. Me, my friend and a bunch of her friends went back to this guys house for post evening drinks. My friend as much as I loved her is a very messy drunk and ended up passing out a few minutes after arriving at the house and me and this guy was also very drunk. I knew no one else well enough in the house. There was an awful lot of pressure for me to do things with this guy and before my drunk brain knew it I was in his room and we were getting undressed. It felt wrong. I wanted my ex/boyfriend. It wasn't the same. But this other guy was forceful and I was scared and my friend was passed out and I didn't know how to get home and I knew nobody else at the party. So I stayed.

I felt awful and embarrassed. I felt guilty and disgusting. I left the next morning and packed to go back home away from uni. When I got back to uni after a couple of days, my ex/boyfriend/I have no clue was being so sweet and nice to me and I felt so ashamed. He could tell something was wrong so I told him what happened in the best way I could.

He hates me now. He making plans to move out while he spends time at home. I feel so awful and messed up and I have no idea what to think or feel. I know I deserve his hate and I hate myself. I want to make this better. I want to fix this but I don't know how. How do I make him feel better? He says I broke him. How do I fix this? How do I make this all go away?
First of all, I admire that you didn't post this anon since many people in your situation would. Secondly, I don't think you and your ex/boyfriend will work or have done for a while since you stated you keep arguing. Sometimes, if you spend too much time together as a couple, you can become annoyed with each other and this probably what has happened here since you both live together. You know deep down it was wrong to sleep with your boyfriend twice when wasn't really seeing him and this will obviously confuse you and confuse your feelings. Obviously, only you know him and you -- but I think the only reason why you slept with each other is because it's familiar and like you stated, you was feeling lonely as well.

I think you both need to be on your own for a while and figure out what you want. Don't beat yourself up over your mistake as well. There obviously was something missing between you and your ex/boyfriend for something to happen with this other guy. I think honestly, it's just a vet confusing time and out of loneliness and confusion, you slept with this guy because you wanted affection and to feel wanted. I think time is the only thing that's going to fix this. I would leave it for a few days or weeks and then perhaps give him a letter, explaining everything how you feel and apologising for what you have done. By doing this, you know you have tried and you can move on..

All he is going to do is feel angry atm and upset that you broke his trust so if I was you, give him some time to calm down before speaking to him again.

I hope this helps in some way or another. If want to talk more, pm me, since I can relate to this situation.

Good luck OP.


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JNDSAN
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#3
Report 3 years ago
#3
if you want my honest opinion, something not entirely different to this happened to me and yeah you probably did break him and honestly it will never be the same again as much as youd want it to be, it simply cant be, you banging someone broke the camels back
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wildleaves
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#4
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And after all that you ended being the bad guy. How sad . Ye its pretty much over.
Time to leave it all behind
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report 3 years ago
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(Original post by UniStudent45)
Okay, so me and my boyfriend broke up in the early January. It was a mutual break up but was very messy... We'd been together for 3 years but had been breaking up and getting back together for months but in January we really needed it to be over for good. We'd been having a lot of problems: we were always fighting, we hardly saw each other even though we lived together, I felt insecure about the people he hung out with. All in all, I just felt so alone all the time and he was tired of my sh*t.

After our break up, I went back to uni to carry on with assignments and he stayed home to study. I was dealing with it. Hurting, but dealing with it. He apparently was not. A week later he came back to our house and he gave me an ultimatum: Live together and be in a relationship or he would move out and we wouldn't speak/see each other for a long time. I panicked and one thing lead to another and I ended up sleeping with him. I was so confused about how I felt and said I needed to consider it before agreeing.

The next night however, he went out with a few friends. The people who I didn't like and made me feel insecure due to issues in the past like: my boyfriend going out with them and not coming home till 3am/5am/not all, or him coming home drunk telling me that he liked a girl as much as he liked me. Anyway, he ended up bringing his friends back to our home at 12am. I had to be up at 6am for work the next day and our housemates had to be up at 7am. He said he would keep the noise down but of course that didn't happen. They trashed the kitchen, a girl threw up in our bathroom, they played music, the whole place smelt like alcohol and smoke and WORST of all, as my bedroom is right next to the kitchen, I had to listen to his friends tell him that I was a jealous crazy ex and he deserved much better than me for 3 hours till they left...

I was crushed. Heart broken. I called up a friend to visit me the next day and told her what had happened and after a lot of tears and consoling she invited me out on a night out to help me get over it. She said that she knew a guy she thought I would like. So I went. But between the time she left and the time of our night out, my ex and I had a heart to heart. He was crying saying that he ****ed up and wanted me back and begged for me to forgive him. I said I was confused about my feelings but because I was also upset and lonely I slept with him again! We ended up agreeing to see how things went between us for a couple of months before officially getting back together and telling people.

So I never told my friend and went to the party...

I hoped that if I did meet this 'guy' my friend wanted me to meet that I could stop anything from happening, but that's not how things went... I met the guy and he was lovely and sweet and exactly my type. Me, my friend and a bunch of her friends went back to this guys house for post evening drinks. My friend as much as I loved her is a very messy drunk and ended up passing out a few minutes after arriving at the house and me and this guy was also very drunk. I knew no one else well enough in the house. There was an awful lot of pressure for me to do things with this guy and before my drunk brain knew it I was in his room and we were getting undressed. It felt wrong. I wanted my ex/boyfriend. It wasn't the same. But this other guy was forceful and I was scared and my friend was passed out and I didn't know how to get home and I knew nobody else at the party. So I stayed.

I felt awful and embarrassed. I felt guilty and disgusting. I left the next morning and packed to go back home away from uni. When I got back to uni after a couple of days, my ex/boyfriend/I have no clue was being so sweet and nice to me and I felt so ashamed. He could tell something was wrong so I told him what happened in the best way I could.

He hates me now. He making plans to move out while he spends time at home. I feel so awful and messed up and I have no idea what to think or feel. I know I deserve his hate and I hate myself. I want to make this better. I want to fix this but I don't know how. How do I make him feel better? He says I broke him. How do I fix this? How do I make this all go away?
I actually think you're both better off without each other. The whole thing with that other guy wouldn't have happened (or if it did, it wouldn't matter too much) if your ex/boyfriend treated you right in the first place. It's not like he was the perfect boyfriend, so it's a bit rich for him to be mad but I can understand why he's upset. I hope you get a chance to explain the situation properly to him. Don't be too hard on yourself. People make mistakes, and with time, he might be able to trust you again. If not, then you both can move on and start afresh. Best of luck.
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Profesh
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#6
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Have you tried being single until you're stable, mature and happy enough not to **** each other's lives up beyond repair? Radical, I know.
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