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roff
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#61
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#61
A Yankee couple was driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said:
"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."


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rottcodd
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#62
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#62
Not really a joke, but quite funny (at least I think so anyway)

http://www.insanepictures.com/fl.shtml?0116.htm
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tis_me_lord
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#63
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#63
Argh pop up mania!
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leda swanson
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#64
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#64
not sure if this one has already been:

what's big and hard and full of se(a)men?





a submarine.

works better if said rather than wrote.
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tis_me_lord
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#65
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#65
That's from austin powers 3.
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Sianabanana
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#66
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#66
1. What kind of bees make milk?






Boobies.

2. Why is England better than France? (may have already heard this)








Because we can be on top for ninety minutes and still come second.
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85ah11
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#67
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#67
A man worked in a pickle slicing factory. He came home one day and confessed to his wife that he wanted to stick his **** into the pickle-slicer. She said she was worried about him and that he should see a councillor, but he said he try to resist his temptaition.

A couple of months later, he came home and told his wife that he'd gone through with it:

Mary: "Oh, Bill, you didn't?"
Bill: "I did, I'm so sorry."
Mary: "Well... what happened?"
Bill: "I got fired."
Mary: "No, no... I mean to the pickle slicer."
Bill: "Oh... she got fired too."
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85ah11
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#68
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#68
What did the chicken say to the egg straight after they had had sex?

"I'm glad we sorted that one out."
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Chubb
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#69
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#69
Not sure if these have been posted but:

Whats better than swinging a baby around at 100mph? Stopping it with a shovel.

Whats the best thing about sleeping with twenty nine year olds? Theres twenty of them.

A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian for a Big Mac and large fries. The librarian looks at her then sighs and says "Miss, this is a library". The blonde apologies quietly and then whispers "I'll have a Big Mac and large fries".
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Lithium
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#70
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#70
Stockwell Day, a Canadian Government MP sits in his office and out of
boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes
through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look
nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, Steven Harper, a genie appears and grants him
three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold blue pepsi right now!" He gets his
Pepsi-Blue and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish
to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is
on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells Genie Steven Harper his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never
have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his Ottawa Government Office .....
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85ah11
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#71
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A man and his wife are playing golf. The bloke pulls a shot well off target, and it smashes into the window of a nearby house. The couple hurried to the house where they were greeted by a man.

He said: "Thank you. Your golf ball broke my window and then smashed the bottle which I was trapped in. For you see, I am a genie. I will grant you three wishes, sir, but only if I may have one of them."

After much deliberation, the couple agree to go through with it.

"I wish for a million pounds," says the wife.

"There is now a million pounds more in your bank account," the genie replied.

"I wish for a villa on every exotic island in the world," says the husband.

"Done. My wish is to sleep with your wife, sir."

Again, after much discussion, they agree to let the genie sleep with the wife. They go upstairs, and she opens her legs and thinks of England.

When they had finished, the genie walked down the stairs and says to the husband: "May I ask you how old both of you are, sir?"

"Of course. I'm 28 and my wife is 26."

"Right. And you still believe in genies?"
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dave134
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#72
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#72
Radio Conversation between Canadians and Americans:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


















Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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sublime envy
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#73
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#73
Warning: contains naughty stuff

Voodoo ****

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo ****.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo ****?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door." The
voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ****, get back in
your box!" The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo ****, my pussy." He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo ****. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo ****, my pussy!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo **** was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo ****, my ass!"
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andrew_200
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#74
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#74
heres a few. some may already have been posted and are quite corny

2 peanuts walked into a bar. one was assaulted

hitler and michael jackson were on a boat that started to sink. the captain yelled women and children first! hitler said ' oh shag the children!'. micheal jackson said 'do we have time?!

michael jackson walked into a middle of a crowd of people, lookin for his lost cockrel. he yells
'as anyone seen a ****?' all the woman put the hand up

then he yells
has anyone got a ****? all the men put there hands up

then he says
has anyone seen my ****?' and all the kids put there hand up


Mod Expression - Strong Language Violation - Post Amended to Remove Profanity.
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hihihihi
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#75
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#75
One of the richest men, Gary had everything going for him. He had a fancy new house in North-East London, a flash new sports car, masses of designer clothes -the lot. His only problem was that he had three girlfriends and he couldn't decide which one to marry. So he decided to give £5,000 to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself and had an expensive new hairdo, a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure.

The second woman bought a top-of-the range VCR and CD player, as well as an expensive set of golf clubs and tennis racquet and gave them all to Gary. "I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you," she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market, and within a short time had doubled her investment. She gave Gary back the initial £5,000 and reinvested the profit. "I'm investing in our future because I love you so much," she said.

Gary considered carefully how each woman had spent the money, and then married the woman with the biggest breasts.
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alio
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#76
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#76
Three golfing partners died in a car wreak and went to Heaven.
Upon Arrival they discover the most beutiful golf course have ever seen.

St.Peter tells them that they are welcome to play the course,
but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them ask
"The Ducks?" "Yes", St. Peter replies. "There are millions of ducks
walking around the course and if one of them gets hit, he squawks
then the one next to him squawks and soon they'er all squawking to
beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks,
you will be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After
Entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle
of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of them hit one of them.
The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a
deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely
homely women in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?" The one who had
done it admitted "I did."

Immediately St. Peter pulled out a pair of
Handcuffs and cuffed the mans right hand to the homely womens left
hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed
togather for eternity."

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any
ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks
were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an
even uglier women than before. St Peter determined which one had hit the
duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the mans right hand to the homely
women's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" , he said . "Now you'll
be handcuffed togather for eternity."

The third man was extremelycareful.
Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After
three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the
man at the end of and had with him a knock-out gorgeous women, the
most beutiful women the man had ever seen.

St. Peter smiled to the man
and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beutiful women and
walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this women
for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The women responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
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AngelofnoColour
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#77
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#77
Here's another female lame joke, which Im good at.

Dracula died by accident, and suprisingly went to heavan. Here he begged God to give him another life and be reincarnated as summit else that absorbs blood and has wings.
What did God turn him too?







A sanitary towel.
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lotus_lee
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#78
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#78
I hate long jokes. So long that at the end, you forgot what happened at the beginning.
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mangomaz
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#79
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#79
ok i apologise for the grossness of these... a friend told them to me.

Whats pink and silver and bumps into walls?


A baby with a fork in its eyes.

Whats pink and goes red at the push of a button?



A baby in a blender.

Whats cries a lot and doesnt like sex?

A 4 year old in a basement.



ok serious apologies for these. dont no y i shared them with u all.
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hihihihi
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#80
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#80
(Original post by mangomaz)
ok i apologise for the grossness of these... a friend told them to me.

Whats pink and silver and bumps into walls?


A baby with a fork in its eyes.

Whats pink and goes red at the push of a button?



A baby in a blender.

Whats cries a lot and doesnt like sex?

A 4 year old in a basement.



ok serious apologies for these. dont no y i shared them with u all.
Not funny in my eyes
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