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    A vampire was walking down the street one night looking for some fresh blood when all of a sudden he was hit by some lettuce,tomatoes and cucumber..he thought "hmmm strange" but carried on walking then he was hit by some crisps and some sausage rolls he looked around and could see no one in site so carried on walking. Then again he was hit by a quiche, sandwiches and a trifle. By this time he had enough, "ok come out who the hell keep hitting me with all this stuff?!". All of a sudden out jumps a girl from the shadows carrying a french stick under her arm and says, "It is me buffet the vampire slayer!"
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    Little David

    Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer.
    David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
    "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."
    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
    "No," said David, "he works for John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

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    Q: How does a blonde kill a bird??
    A: Throw it off a cliff.

    Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
    A: Drown
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    (Original post by avalondep)
    what does a plastic bag have in common with michael jackson?





    they're both white and plastic.

    ok bad gag. but had to be made.
    and bad for children to play with

    (Original post by mangomaz)
    ok i apologise for the grossness of these... a friend told them to me.

    Whats pink and silver and bumps into walls?


    A baby with a fork in its eyes.

    Whats pink and goes red at the push of a button?



    A baby in a blender.

    Whats cries a lot and doesnt like sex?

    A 4 year old in a basement.



    ok serious apologies for these. dont no y i shared them with u all.
    that is f-ing sick
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    Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

    7:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

    10:30 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

    12:30 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

    5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    7:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVOURITE!

    9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING ON MASTER'S BED! MY FAVOURITE!



    Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

    DAY 183 OF MY CAPTIVITY

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

    Pricks.

    The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
    satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
    Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    Today my attempt to kill my captors, by weaving around their feet while
    they were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the
    stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
    *******s, I again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair.

    Note - to - self: I think I'll try crapping under their bed, too. Wonder
    how long it'll take them to find it?

    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them
    aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
    hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
    Damn! Not working according to plan.

    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
    solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
    the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY
    power of "ellergeez". Must learn what the Hell this is and how to use it
    to my advantage.

    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
    dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
    obviously a bloody half-wit.

    The bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and
    speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
    to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved. But
    I can wait; it's only a matter of time...little *******.
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    There is a legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magic mirror, if you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie . . . poof it will swallow you up.

    A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof . . . the mirror swallows her up.

    The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof . . . the mirror swallows her up.

    Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" Poof!! The mirror swallows her up.
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    What's highly flammable, and should be kept away from small children?

    Michael Jackson

    How do criminals acknowledge each other?

    With a crime wave.


    An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

    One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

    Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

    "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

    God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

    Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

    At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
    "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

    "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

    "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

    "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

    "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

    Then there was a short moment of silence.

    "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
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    What has two legs and bleeds a lot?






    Half a cat.
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    (Original post by raagyone)
    What has two legs and bleeds a lot?






    Half a cat.

    nearly as bad as the dead baby jokes
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    (Original post by raagyone)
    What has two legs and bleeds a lot?






    Half a cat.
    taht reminds me about my mates cat, he caught the cats tail in the door whilst shutting it.. and it was all crushed..
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    (Original post by Fly By)
    taht reminds me about my mates cat, he caught the cats tail in the door whilst shutting it.. and it was all crushed..
    awwww. i hope it wasnt purposely done!
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    (Original post by neha p)
    awwww. i hope it wasnt purposely done!
    no, its coz the door was always a bit dodgy. you have to push it really hard to close. and he was the same thing again, but this time it was actually the cats tail. he closed it and he heard this growning and realised what happened..
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    What did the fish say when he bumped into a wall?












































    "Dam!"
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    (Original post by raagyone)
    What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

    Half a cat.

    Personally I think that is absolute genius.



    In fact, have some rep.
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    (Original post by KOH)
    Whats the diff between a Bird and A Fly??

    A Bird can Fly......... But a Fly cant Bird!





    hahahahah thats funny
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    (Original post by young_free)
    A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the
    famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any
    activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this
    report:

    MOST HONORABLE SIR:

    YOU LEAVE HOUSE I WATCH HOUSE.
    HE COME TO HOUSE.
    I WATCH HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE....I FOLLOW.
    HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW.
    HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
    HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
    HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
    I PLAY WITH ME.... I FALL OFF TREE.
    I NO SEE. I SORRY!!

    NO FEE,
    CHEN LEE.








    hhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhaahahhah omg tahts funny
    omg!!!!!!!!!!!
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    clearing up my inbox just now, I found some hilarious jokes as follows (good old copy n paste job )

    These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and
    > housing associations throughout the UK:
    >
    > I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
    > knob off.
    >
    > I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
    > his foot in the hole in his back passage.
    >
    > .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
    > fence.
    >
    > I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
    > think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
    >
    > My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
    >
    > I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
    >
    > Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and
    > fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
    >
    > We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden
    > before we move into the house.
    >
    > I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
    >
    > ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are
    > plain filthy.
    >
    > I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
    >
    > The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
    >
    > Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
    > not fit to drink.
    >
    > Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
    >
    > Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner
    > and need it badly.
    >
    > I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am
    > his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
    >
    > The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
    > unsightly and dangerous.
    >
    > Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so
    > please send someone round to do something about it.
    >
    > I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
    > something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
    >
    > Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
    > wife.
    >
    > I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still
    > have no satisfaction.
    >
    > This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get
    > BBC2.
    >
    > My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus
    > growing in it.
    >
    > .. and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
    > cant take it anymore.
    >
    > .. that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
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    My friend came round last night

















    I had no idea that she was in a coma!
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    What do sex and oxygen have in common???














    They only really matter to you when you aren't getting any.
 
 
 
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