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English gcse coursework advice

Hi i have been writing my English coursework and as i have finished a piece i would really appreciate it if some people would give me advice on how to improve it as i am aiming for an A star overall.Could you also try and estimate what grade my current grade would get. Thank you!

Champions league match.


It was the best of days, it was the worst of days, it was an amazing feeling, it was a stressful feeling, it was the greatest place to be, it was the most intimidating place to be, I had dreamed getting her, I had feared getting here, I was excited being here, I was anxious being here.

30th of April 2014: the day I, Cristiano Ronaldo, and my teammates from Real Madrid FC had progressed from the Champions league semi-final to the final for the first time in twelve years. We couldn't believe that we finally did it. I remembered at the beginning of the campaign when I had said to myself: “this season I am going to do anything that is possible to win the wanted trophy in the world football” which was and still is the Champions league cup. Both my teammates and I were keen to win it because that would go on to become “la decima” for our club. The tenth European trophy our club was going to win which is a record.


For a month long we trained every day. Monday morning was training day, Tuesday morning was training day, Wednesday morning was training day, Thursday morning was training day, Friday morning was training day etc... The training was so rigorous; we couldn't stand on our legs at the end of the day. It felt like I was going to die. Moreover, when I used to go home at night maybe after dinner I would train on my own to improve even further. My ambitions were high and challenging but achievable for a player of my class. I wanted to be a part of the best team in Europe; it was as simple as that. I was like a student revising before his exams; I studied every day. My muscles started to talk to me because I trained them so excessively. The remarkable thing was how my attitude never changed. Every morning I went into our training base -which is called Ciudad Valdebas I thought "it is worth it". It was a place where players get ripped apart while the fans are watching from the stands sitting on lily-white seats just like the colour of our uniform with bottle green trees behind their back.


The moment of truth, my destiny was awaiting me. It was the Champions league final match day. The massive stadium erupted like a volcano as fans cheered and screamed loudly. It was so loud that when I stepped onto the freshly mown, pea green grass I felt like a pray surrounded by hungry lions desperate for victory. Despite the fact that they motivated me, they also put a lot of pressure on my back. The referee blew the whistle and it went: the match had started while I was still in my little child-like fantasy. Shivering in fear I had to start contributing to the game or all my several years of hard work would go for nothing. The moment of truth, my destiny was awaiting me.


The match started in beautiful fashion as we had control of the game and were passing the air blue ball around like it was just another day at our training complex until the 36th minute when something devastating happened; we saw ourselves go a goal down. It was deja vu all over again just like when I played in the final for Manchester United against Barcelona FC a few years ago when we also conceded an early goal, however, this time I didn't give up like I had done before in that game. We tried to fight back. We were hurt. We were hungry for a goal or two but the ball had just refused to go inside the net. Shot after shot with no goal; I guess we ran out of luck. I was as helpless as a baby. If we didn't score, it was going to have an immense impact on our moral for the rest of our lives and certainly mine thus we pushed ourselves further and further.

The game we had waited for all our life was ending while we were losing 1-0; the referee, Bjorn Kuipers, added an additional time of 5 minutes. Because of this, the manager of the opposition team (Diego Simeone) went mental; he thought it was too much. Our opposition were under the delusion of winning the trophy that everybody wants until suddenly in the 93rd minute our captain, Sergio Ramos, scored a header from a corner. At that moment we all knew we were going to win the game in extra time. We became confident, happy, and most importantly, relieved. In extra time goals from Bale, Marcelo and me put our team in the driving seat as we had a three goal advantage.

Finally, it all ended; the months long preparations paid off as we had won the most prestigious trophy in world football, the Champions League. This is why you should remember the following phrase: fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Real Madrid FC were crowned European champions for a record tenth time in its history. For hours, days and months I couldn’t take my eyes off my medal. My smile and face didn't separate from each other; I was as happy as a bird . There was one thing I asked myself what if Sergio Ramos wasn’t there at that moment and that place to score the equaliser? I will never know but in my opinion that’s something which shows real professionalism from a player. His desire and will to not give up until the last minute was unbelievable. They might have been the most stressful two hours of my life but those were the two hours I trained for my whole life. It was so worth it!
First of all, the language in this is beautiful. It's well-written and the narrative is easy to follow (which is a compliment coming from someone who knows nothing about football). I don't know what the marking criteria is for your assessment, but if you want to nail the top marks I would consider revising the punctuation just a little.

The first thing I would suggest is either taking out or editing that first paragraph ("It was the best of days..."); there are far too many commas in it and it reads a lot better when you start with the "30th of April..."

Next, on that note, is something my teacher alwayd picked me up on: he said to always write numbers as words in English. So, perhaps instead of "30th of April" maybe you could say "April Thirtieth".

Now for those punctuation bits I was talking about. If you want the top, top marks, take out that "etc..." in the middle of the sentence. I know we get it drummed into us that "..." creates tension, but it is gramatically incorrect and actually indicates a missing word. As for the "etc", it sounds a bit sloppy and is actually an abbreviaton of "et cetera"; like with the numbers, these things should be written in full.

Instead of using brackets, maybe you culd spice up the punctuation a bit by using hyphens or commas. For example, instead of saying "the manager of the opposition team (Diego Simeone) went mental;", maybe you could say "the manager of the opposition - Diego Simeone - went mental;" or "the manager of the opposition, Diego Simeone, went mental;" (nice use of the semi-colon there, by the way).

Those are just a few tips and honestly they are just me splitting hairs. This is a very well-written piece and I think you should expect either an A or a very high B (if your teacher is strict) as it is now. If you tidy up the punctuation a bit and make sure you proof read (read it aloud and see how it sounds - is the lanaguage consistent? Do the words "mental" and "rigorous" match up, or does it sound like the narrator has switched tone?) I see no reason why you couldn't hit that A*.

Keep us posted (and sorry for the essay response)!

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