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Anxiety+ Stressed Watch

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    Before I start, this is quite long, but I will try my very best to narrow it down.
    No sarcastic comments honestly, I'm really down, and could do with all the positiveness. THIS IS PRETTY LONG. but i am in great need of help . I have been all over the place. i recently purchased 'KALMS tablets' because i don't want to go doctors and be put on any other tablets.

    So i'm currently having a lot of problems with my on and off boyfriend:

    1) he used to like my cousin 3-4 years ago.
    2) that stopped when he met me, and realised there wasn't ever going to be a future with my cousin.
    3) We were in love like crazy, we spent so much time together, he looked out for me a lot, and i felt very safe with him
    4) I hanged out with a bad crowd which to me at that point seemed like really good friends, however, he always had a bad vibe. And when i spoke to friends about it they assumed he was controlling me. so i began to think that.
    5) i went out with this group of 'friends' last year (2015) and I was fully drunk, literally. And so was one of the guys that were meant to be my friend. He kissed me, i moved away to the other side.
    6) I only then fessed up to my boyfriend 2 months later, because I couldn't seem to get my head around the whole situation and didn't want to lose him either. I moved away from these 'friends' cause all they did was gossip and put me under a bad light.
    7) My boyfriend was very hurt by this, we had lots of problems in terms of trust, awkwardness between us but still managed to have passionate sex?
    8) He went to a party in September where he told all his friends to lie to me and say he went home. but that wasn't the case. I found out later that night he was still there. when i confronted him on the phone 2AM in the morning when he got home and called me, i was crying so much. he told me to stop my bull**** and the matter wasn't a big deal to him.
    9) November time i think it was he went to a party, we had then just broken up but he still spoke to me that morning before he went to workk. Telling me about this party he was going to attend. I asked whether i could come along and his reply was No. So i was a bit alarmed. i called my cousin that same moment cause i had plans with her to stay over at hers. which she forgot, and said she was going to the same parrty... then told me that my boyfriend must have been a plus one. When i got back to 'HIM' he was screwing at me on the phone for calling my cousin up and throwing false allegations saying i was spying on him. AGAIN - WASNT THE CASE.
    10) so he left me really hurt that whole day whilst he went to work and then to his mates party. i BLOCKED him off whatsapp, etc.. to then find out he's now at the girls house smiling having a laugh and what not. this was through a friends snapchat.
    11) He's begging to speak to me a few days later, and i was extremely upset about what he had done to me that whole day and how he made me feell like crap.
    12) A week goes by, and i hear from my own cousin: a girl kissed him, which he asked the next morning when they were both sober if he could have another kiss. Also, she touched his d ** with his trousers on , i asked if he got hard over that and he said no there was no feelings. He also picked up a few girls on his back that night and slept on the same sofa with the girl laying on him that kissed him. I WAS SO DEVASTATED.

    i have had a tonne of problems with guys and trust. its never worked. i opened up to this man as my own soul literally. I am still in love with him today. when i confronted him on all of this, he didn't seem very hurt that i found out? and that i was upset. he was more pissed off then anything cause he wanted to know who told me.

    My anxiety and stress levels have been WILD since october when we broke up. And we recently got back together cause he said okay lets give it another shot. cause i said to him, you cannot still be having sex with me and kissing me and hugging me if we are not in a relationship. it takes away my self-respect. cause I'm looking to get married to you tomorrow and i don't even know if thats gonna happen. and he would say i don't know cause i might die tomorrow anything can happen.. basically stuff to block the issue of him saying i will marry u. now he says ill marry u if it works now.

    I am finding it so hard to let go. Im sitting here today visualising this girl on him, kissing him when there both under the influence of alchool . but then seeing it as he asked her again when he was sober???? and toucher her bum. I cannot believe it.

    i have gained a lot of weight, and i see myself with 0% confidence. I hate myself. literally. I cry myself almost every night to sleep. and i don't even get enough sleep. i HAVE TRIED to go back to counselling but there is a 4-5 month wait.

    I really don't know how to let go. I NEED TO . but i just don't know how? i wanna hit him hard in terms of missing me. but now-a-days his attitude seems like he couldn't care less.

    Please can someone just guide me a bit. or something- cause my mum is sick and tired of hearing me upset, she doesn't want anything to do with it cause i don't listen. its because i don't know how to become strong again. He's blown all the barriers i had up, and i feel like i don't know how to be myself again before i got into a relationship with him. i can't find myself anymore..
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    TL DR. Sorry. Not sorry.
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    (Original post by Sesshomaru24U)
    TL DR. Sorry. Not sorry.
    Uneducated moron.
    But had the time to comment?
    Talk about sorry, not sorry.
 
 
 
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