Hello. I'm just going to have a bit of a rant...
Basically, I've been depressed for years. I've been depressed for so long I don't even know when it started, though I think moving from a big city to a small racist town when I was six years old had a lot to do with it. I've never been diagnosed because when I was younger I didn't know what depression was, I didn't think I was depressed, I thought I just had a rubbish life and I wasn't expecting to live into adulthood anyway. I only really realised I had a serious problem when I came to uni and had a kind of breakdown featuring intense anxiety alongside my depression.
I'm really trying my hardest to overcome this. I've been seeing counsellors and wellbeing services at uni since first year but I never know what to say to them and how it's supposed to be helping me. I've been to the GP twice about depression, once about anxiety and I was only offered antidepressants which I didn't want to take because I didn't think it was that bad at the time, and tbh the side-effects/withdrawal symptoms scare me a lot. I've made some changes to my life, including staying at uni to get out of a depressing household/hometown, begun exercising regularly and tried to remove toxic people from my life while investing more time in the good friends I have. I'm learning about and trying mindfulness exercises and cbt techniques from self help books. I do a lot of social things but I also have a lot of hobbies I'm happy to do by myself.
I think that around spring/summer last year I felt truly happy with my life for the first time. But now I'm back feeling depressed again. I feel lonely, scared about everything, hopeless, etc. My grades for my entire course have literally been getting worse each year and I don't understand why. I'm a third year and I'm terrified about what happens when I graduate because uni's the only time I tasted happiness and I feel like it'll be gone forever after that. I'm not doing the right course to do what I want to do so I'm going to have to learn more skills in my own time afterwards. I have ambitions of travelling or living abroad for a while but I've never been abroad and I'm too scared to do it by myself. Every day I wake up and I just don't see the point in getting out of bed because I feel so crap. I just don't know what else I can do about it.
Thank you if you read through it all! I'd really appreciate any advice, words of comfort, success stories, anything..
Who's top and bottom?