The Student Room Group

How must it feel to know you're dying??

My uncle's recently been rushed to hospital because of kidney damage, but his vital organs have now stopped working so this rules him out of having a kidney donated, which i would have done without a second thought... so now the doctors are debating whether to keep him on the ventilator or to just let him go...

How must it feel to know that you're not going to recover? I really can't imagine what he must be going through right now, i mean, i always worry about stupid things like exams and assignments etc which if you think about it, aren't really that important at all. I feel like such a selfish person

And what are you supposed to say to someone who knows they're dying?
And why bad things seem to happen to good people all the time?:mad:

Sorry for spilling my heart out, i feel better now

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1
When my grandma died, I had the same thing. She knew she was going to die, but soehow was fine about it. I guess I just told myself that we all die someday, life itself is a terminal disease.
Just say what you'd normally say. If it were me, I'd hate for everyone to suddenly run at my beck and call, it'd bring home the 'I'm dying'.
Sorry to hear what's happening to your uncle :frown: I found myself thinking the same questions last week because my auntie was rushed into hospital, diagnosed with cancer and then told she had a few days to live, i think her way of dealing with the situation was that she'd had a good life, been successfull got married etc and was very ill and didn't want to suffer anymore.
It's hard to know what to say to someone who's in that position.. i guess you just have to be there for them and help them make the most of the time that they have left.....
I also hate the fact that bad things happen to people... i guess it's just the crappyness of life making it be that way :frown:
Reply 3
Go to the hospital and see him, I'm sure this type of thing is easier with family round you
Reply 4
leah_0600

And why bad things seem to happen to good people all the time?:mad:



Random things happen randomly to anyone. It's nothing to do with how 'good' you are. Life's not like that. It really doesn't help when you think in those terms.
Reply 5
I agree with yellowmarshmallow. It's all to do with quality of life. I would never want a relative of mine to live in pain every day, or to be kept alive on a ventilator with no chance of a recovery. At times like this the relatives get the worst of it. The struggle for your uncle is nearly over but the family's suffering will go on. You have my sympathy. Just go and tell him what a great time you had knowing him and remind him of the happy memories he has left you with.
Reply 6
Aww,i'm so sorry :frown: Must be so hard for u all :frown:

As he's on a ventilator,is he unconscious ? Even if he is,talking to him can really help. But i know it so hard though :hugs:
Reply 7
It feels fine.
Thats horrible :frown: I sympahise with you and your family and can imagine how awful it must be for you all.

Some people are very accepting of death and of their own mortality. When my great nan was in hospital in the days leading up to her death my mum would talk openly with her about dying and related issues and it almost seemed to sooth her or reassure her that she wasnt going to be forgotten or anything like that.

I think it differes from person to person, some people dont want to face their own death and would rather keep on putting on a front until the end- and in that case I assume it would be best to go with it.

When my dad had a really bad accident at work a few years ago I was with him in the resusitation room and it was as if I became a different person. Inside it felt like my heart had been torn out looking at my dad there with tubes coming out of him, cuts and broken bones, all the time thinking he was going to die. On the outside though somehow or another I managed to put on this front asthough everything was fine, and while I spoke to him it was like everything was normal- it wasnt like he'd just been in an accident. I didnt cry or get upset, its quite surreal when I think back, but I think I responded like that because thats what I thought my dad needed, to see that should the worst happen we would all be fine.

Having to face the potential death of my father was the worst most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do, and I can only hope that I wont have to be in that position again for a very very long time.

Facing my own death though would be a very different matter. For some reason or another Ive always been very aware of death and my own mortality. I realise im not going to live forever and that it could all be over in a second. I know its a relatively morbid way to live, but I like to be realistic.
Id rather have to face my own death than the death of someone I loved.

Unless he gives you the impression that he doesnt want you to, talk to your uncle as normal. Im sure most people would want to spend the time they have left surrounded by the people they love, in the way they would like to remember them.
Profesh
It feels fine.


What's the point?
Reply 10
angelfire1987
What's the point?

I think he's making the slightly crass and inappropriate observation that all of us are dying, albeit slowly.

OP, I'm really sorry about your uncle, my thoughts are with you.
Reply 11
I became an Existentialist.
Reply 12
It feels very peaceful, according to my gran. She's had cardiac arrest several times, and also had an attack of anaphylaxis (violent allergic shock), and she said that she completely believed that she was going to die, but that it felt very peaceful. I imagine that, apart from the physical pain, when you know you're on your way, it'll be surprisingly easy to get to grips with.
My Dad was told in November 2001 that he had 3 months left to live. I admire him so much because a) that alone can't have been the easiest thing to deal with b) he didn't die after 3 months so it seemed to always be looming over us - when it would happen.

I don't really know how I coped to be honest. He died in April 2005, I was working hard for my AS Levels. I think I managed by just carrying on as usual, I knew that my Dad would've wanted me to do well academically and keep busy rather than becoming introverted and sad. I completely understand that people may experience grief in many different ways and that how I managed would not work for everyone.

I think initially my Dad just accepted it as there was very little, if anything, that he could really do about it. When his health started to improve, I think he almost told himself that he wasn't going to die and I firmly believe that this is partly why he made it to 2005. If you accept that you're going to die, are you not already letting the illness win? I understand that some illnesses are terminal and it may be better for all involved to accept that but if there's a small chance that you might not die, I really think you need to keep positive.

In the end though, I think my Dad gave up because he had been through so much. 2 battles with cancer, a stomach bypass, various other medical procedures - when the cancer came back for the second time it was much worse, his breathing was terrible and the doctors feared the tumour was entering his bloodstream. He said that he didn't want any more treatment. I think he'd definitely had enough and in a way it probably was a benefit to all of us in some way. His standard of living wasn't great over the several years he was ill and that placed a lot of stress on my Mum, who would go to see him in whichever hospital he was in (Birmingham or Leicester, probably 2 hour round trip) each day. I guess you could say it was a bit of a relief to see him go and for him to have decided that then would be the time.

I don't remember properly crying except for the first time I got to the hospital after he had died. I think I'd accepted that my Dad wasn't at all healthy ever since he'd had cancer the first time round and it was just my way of thinking.

I know I've babbled A LOT but I do get quite reflective about my Dad at times and I guess this is one of those times. To answer the Q in short, I don't think you can answer it for everyone; it depends on the individual and how satisfied they feel with how they've lived their life. If you feel fulfilled, then I think you're more likely to readily accept it than if you are constantly wishing that you'd done A or B.

Sorry if this makes little sense, I'm tired, a little emotional and feeling extremely babbly!
I often get myself really worked up about exams and feel guilty to take things out of perspective when there are more important things in life.

One thing that I've read in a Buddhist book was to make the dying person as comfortable as possible when he is passing away. That is to reassure them that all will be well, that any problems that have been left behind is sorted out. It was also suggested that we shouldn't cry in front of the person so he could pass away peacefully, and not have the guilt of causing so much sorrow in the loved ones he has left behind.
I'm so sorry to hear that.

For what it's worth, I had a personal experience which might serve to make you feel slightly more at ease.

A few years ago, my mother's best friend Lorraine, was diagnosed with cancer. As the morther of two young boys under eight, her initial reaction was one of shock; she was frantic with worry for a good few weeks at the prosepect of her death.

However, only nine months later, she died. In the days leading up to her death, she turned into a different person. Visiting her was the most surreal moment of my life. She was calm, at peace and aware that her death wasn't far away.

I truly believe in the soul, and I'm convinced that Lorraine's left her body gradually. It's an experience that I can't put into words. She knew that she was dying, but in an odd way, she wasn't bothered.

It's harder for those left behind; I hope you're coping as well as can be expected.

xxxx
Reply 16
puppy
Go to the hospital and see him, I'm sure this type of thing is easier with family round you

For God's sake, please go and do this. I'm working in a hospice at the moment, and it's tragic the number of patients who say they feel really lonely because all their friends are too scared to see them because they don't know what to say. You don't have to say anything deep and meaningful, just be there and chat. Even if he's unconscious just tell him a bit about what's been going on, that sort of thing.

Different people face their own mortality in different ways, and for some it's very peaceful, for others it's very distressing. It's something you can really never know until you face it.
Reply 17
Thank you all so much for posting. I've read all of them and genuinley do feel more at ease about going to see my Uncle tomorrow. He still is conscious, but only just, he's heavily sedated and can't talk, but i've been told that he can hear and understand everything. I'm just going to try and be strong for him as it sounds like this is what he needs right now.

For those who have lost someone close to them, i really am sorry, i know it's one of the worst things a person can experience. My thoughts are with you all and well done for being so strong.
Reply 18
Personally I'd be glad of the knowledge, glad that I could reflect and decide I had a good innings, and glad that my nearest and dearest got to say goodbye and stuff. When my grandad passed it was quite sudden, he was just recovering from an operation on his throat and I'd seen him the day before and he was getting better. Then MRSA got to him and the next morning he was dead. It was a nasty shock, and I regret the fact that I never got to say goodbye, or anything for that matter, to him. So I guess I'd be relieved that people could prepare for my death.
Reply 19
Ywiss
I think he's making the slightly crass and inappropriate observation that all of us are dying, albeit slowly.


It's a fair point though, think too much about your own mortality and you'll probably have an idea.

Equally though, I imagine to have a fairly definite time limit to it is quite liberating in a way.