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Odd Boyfriend Situation
I got with my boyfriend about 2 weeks into uni and we were drifting along life together great. Then randomly one day (about 4 months into the relationship) i suddenly thought, "I wander what it's like to be single? Do I still want to experience uni life single first before I get into a relationship?", and these thoughts happened when I was feeling very content with the relationship. and ever since then, i have not been able to stop stressing and I am confused about whether I want to be single and independant at uni, rather than getting into a relationship right now.
It's such crap timing because he's so wonderful and just about everything ive really ever wanted in a boyfriend, and i really love him so much. I think im confused about alot because i never really got a chance to experience uni by myself, and (to put it in cheesy terms), 'to find myself', possibly have a few flings or whatever before i got into something serious. because I know that if i was to be with him, it would be for a very long time, possibly til the end of uni
Im just really confused: how can someone love someone so much, yet still feel like they want to be single? has this happened to anyone else?
And, yes, Ive talked to him about all of this. He's very considerate and caring, and really wants to make it work. But I have a feeling that I want to be a bit more free and single before I get with someone seriously. I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions? Im going to wait til avfter the long summer hols because I wont be able to see him much, and I guess I'll know how I feel about everything when I come back to uni.....I just feel realy low and my mood is affecting my work and everything else, and Im constantly crying and stressed beause I dont know what to do
It's such crap timing because he's so wonderful and just about everything ive really ever wanted in a boyfriend, and i really love him so much. I think im confused about alot because i never really got a chance to experience uni by myself, and (to put it in cheesy terms), 'to find myself', possibly have a few flings or whatever before i got into something serious. because I know that if i was to be with him, it would be for a very long time, possibly til the end of uni
Im just really confused: how can someone love someone so much, yet still feel like they want to be single? has this happened to anyone else?
And, yes, Ive talked to him about all of this. He's very considerate and caring, and really wants to make it work. But I have a feeling that I want to be a bit more free and single before I get with someone seriously. I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions? Im going to wait til avfter the long summer hols because I wont be able to see him much, and I guess I'll know how I feel about everything when I come back to uni.....I just feel realy low and my mood is affecting my work and everything else, and Im constantly crying and stressed beause I dont know what to do
Reply 1
If he's kind and considerate would he understand u wanting a break. maybe you could spend less time together and not be couply. stay in touch but give urself the freedom to do as you want then see how you feel after a little while without him. if u realise that you can live and like living without him then you know he's not right. a perfect good guy can be not the right one -
although saying that i think most people in relationships question themselves - i often wonder exactly the same stuff as u and now im enagaged its almost worse. but essentially i know im where i want to be!
although saying that i think most people in relationships question themselves - i often wonder exactly the same stuff as u and now im enagaged its almost worse. but essentially i know im where i want to be!
Reply 2
Shmish
OP
BabyBee
If he's kind and considerate would he understand u wanting a break. maybe you could spend less time together and not be couply. stay in touch but give urself the freedom to do as you want then see how you feel after a little while without him. if u realise that you can live and like living without him then you know he's not right. a perfect good guy can be not the right one -
although saying that i think most people in relationships question themselves - i often wonder exactly the same stuff as u and now im enagaged its almost worse. but essentially i know im where i want to be!
although saying that i think most people in relationships question themselves - i often wonder exactly the same stuff as u and now im enagaged its almost worse. but essentially i know im where i want to be!
yeah, im guessing summer will be that big break. It's going to be hard if I DO decide to break up with him. I just wish I'd had that bit of the single experience before I got with him, just so I would have known what it was like i guess. People are like, "It's not that great", but i dont think it's right to still be wanting to experience it if Im with someone because to me that just means Im not content, and thats not fair on me and sure as hell isnt fair on him! I wasnt allowed clubbing when I was at home, so I came to uni wanting that experience, and I guess a part of me feels that I havent quite got that yet because I have a boyfriend. And im not going to cheat, so if i want that experience then I have to break up with him I think....
it's going to sooooo damn hard to break up, because I still love him. And I dont know if I'll regret throwing it away over this so-called independance I want, because our relationship is good. Well, was. It's gone slightly downhill since i began having these stresses. I guess he might not understand at first, because he'll just say, "well i never stopped you from doing anything!". But i dont know...it's just all so poo!
It's weird, he IS right for me, but I guess its just stupid wrong timing maybe. i just think that maybe i wouldnt have questioned it so much had I had a chance to see uni as a singleton.....
Reply 3
Basically, I kinda know how you feel.
There's always going to be that element of doubt. I've been with my boyfriend for ver 2 years now, and he is my first boyfriend, so I've never been with anyone else. I'm starting Uni in September, and we discussed whether we should split up, especially as we both began to have doubts. But unless you're entirely suew, I wouldn't throw it away, because you might just end up regretting it. Me and my boyfriend stayed together, and things are good at them moment :]
x
There's always going to be that element of doubt. I've been with my boyfriend for ver 2 years now, and he is my first boyfriend, so I've never been with anyone else. I'm starting Uni in September, and we discussed whether we should split up, especially as we both began to have doubts. But unless you're entirely suew, I wouldn't throw it away, because you might just end up regretting it. Me and my boyfriend stayed together, and things are good at them moment :]
x
Reply 4
Just a word of warning: as I get older I know more and more people who were going out with very good people at school or uni and ended up breaking up with them so that they could "have their freedom"
So many of them now are regretting it. It's so sad to hear people say "I had it soo good with X and I'm never going to get that back." The fact of the matter is, good relationships come along so so rarely, while being on your own can happen at any time. Relationships are difficult at times and do involve comprimise, but don't end up with a "grass is always greener" attitude as otherwise you'll never be happy.
I was in a similar situation to you when I started uni - I met someone after 5 months and the relationship became serious very fast. It was perfect, but I started feeling like I wanted my freedom so I broke up with him. Bad mistake. I was so depressed I barely ate for four months. But it was a good wake up call as I realised how much I needed him. Well that was 5 years ago, we got back together and we're getting married next year
People are way more important that any fictional "freedom," I think. People say how great freedom is because of a fear of depending on someone, but that fear only holds you back from enjoying a real, meaningful relationship with someone. And one day you'll realise that freedom=loneliness.
Sorry this has turned into a total rant. All I'm saying is that good relationships are few and far between and if you break them once, they're not easy to put back together (luckily I succeeded, but that doesn't always happen). Maybe you do still feel like you should break up with your bf, but before you do something that you might not be able to take back, think long and hard.
So many of them now are regretting it. It's so sad to hear people say "I had it soo good with X and I'm never going to get that back." The fact of the matter is, good relationships come along so so rarely, while being on your own can happen at any time. Relationships are difficult at times and do involve comprimise, but don't end up with a "grass is always greener" attitude as otherwise you'll never be happy.
I was in a similar situation to you when I started uni - I met someone after 5 months and the relationship became serious very fast. It was perfect, but I started feeling like I wanted my freedom so I broke up with him. Bad mistake. I was so depressed I barely ate for four months. But it was a good wake up call as I realised how much I needed him. Well that was 5 years ago, we got back together and we're getting married next year
People are way more important that any fictional "freedom," I think. People say how great freedom is because of a fear of depending on someone, but that fear only holds you back from enjoying a real, meaningful relationship with someone. And one day you'll realise that freedom=loneliness.Sorry this has turned into a total rant. All I'm saying is that good relationships are few and far between and if you break them once, they're not easy to put back together (luckily I succeeded, but that doesn't always happen). Maybe you do still feel like you should break up with your bf, but before you do something that you might not be able to take back, think long and hard.
Reply 5
You've found a 'considerate and caring' guy who is right for you and who you love and who loves you back.
And you want to break up with him so you can sleep around more? or, as you put it, 'have a few flings'?
In my opinion it's quite obviously a bad idea.
And you want to break up with him so you can sleep around more? or, as you put it, 'have a few flings'?
In my opinion it's quite obviously a bad idea.
In my experience, relationships take work. Serious effort sometimes.
There's often that little voice asking you if you wouldn't be happier doing x, y or z. If he/she is too smart/ dumb/ fat/ thin/ ugly/ attractive/ faithful/ clingy/ distant/ hardworking/ lazy/ annoying/ boring/ exciting/ spotty/ overly sexual/ not sexual enough/ outgoing/ timid/ drinks too much etc. etc. etc.
That's on top of all things about you, and then all of the circumstances of your relationship such as university on the horizon.
Point is, you'll only put in as much effort as they're worth, but questioning it is normal.
There's often that little voice asking you if you wouldn't be happier doing x, y or z. If he/she is too smart/ dumb/ fat/ thin/ ugly/ attractive/ faithful/ clingy/ distant/ hardworking/ lazy/ annoying/ boring/ exciting/ spotty/ overly sexual/ not sexual enough/ outgoing/ timid/ drinks too much etc. etc. etc.
That's on top of all things about you, and then all of the circumstances of your relationship such as university on the horizon.
Point is, you'll only put in as much effort as they're worth, but questioning it is normal.
Reply 8
Shmish
OP
Vampyrcorn
You've found a 'considerate and caring' guy who is right for you and who you love and who loves you back.
And you want to break up with him so you can sleep around more? or, as you put it, 'have a few flings'?
In my opinion it's quite obviously a bad idea.
And you want to break up with him so you can sleep around more? or, as you put it, 'have a few flings'?
In my opinion it's quite obviously a bad idea.
No, i dont want to sleep around. Im not that type of person. When i said flings I meant more along the lines of flirting and getting to know more guys I guess.
What Im saying is that Im worried I'll regret not having this single life if I dont do it now because I dont know if I'll get this time back again, and that makes me question whether I want a relationship or not. My boyfriend had a gap year and he did a lot of his single things in that gap year, whereas Ive only just 'escaped' that bubble my parents kept me in and I wanted to experience more things on my own, find my own feet before I got with someone.
Reply 9
I sort of know how you feel...
But if you break it off with your boyfriend, you may regret your decision, or if you don't you may be missing out... unfortunatley you can't have the best of both worlds, it's not fair on your bf..
It's definetly your call, but if everything is so happy, why do you want to risk it?
But if you break it off with your boyfriend, you may regret your decision, or if you don't you may be missing out... unfortunatley you can't have the best of both worlds, it's not fair on your bf..
It's definetly your call, but if everything is so happy, why do you want to risk it?
Reply 10
Shmish
OP
By the way, does anyone think this could all just be down to the fact that maybe i feel like i didnt get to talk to enough people during fresher's week, and feel like i didnt need to then because I was spending all my time with my boyfriend because it was all new and stuff back then? So maybe if I talk to more people during summer and in the 2nd yr, I might feel better........
Reply 11
I've been in exacly this position, and I did break up with her last year because of it. However when you have done it you start to question why you did it just so you could flirt with randoms. I got back with her even though I was still confused and what we ended up doing was making sure we were still free to go out and have a social life whenever and getting that whole experience, and also being more laid back about flirting as long as we knew it wasnt going any further of course.
I'd say this works really well, cos you still spend loads of time with friends going out meeting new people having a laugh, but you know you still have someone to go back to for quiet nights in and good times together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, try not to let it get too serious whilst you are at uni because it doesnt really work. You can still be together but leave the heavy stuff for further down the line. Things will progress natrually from there.
Hope this helps.
I'd say this works really well, cos you still spend loads of time with friends going out meeting new people having a laugh, but you know you still have someone to go back to for quiet nights in and good times together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, try not to let it get too serious whilst you are at uni because it doesnt really work. You can still be together but leave the heavy stuff for further down the line. Things will progress natrually from there.
Hope this helps.
Reply 12
for a while i felt similar to you, and it worried me. we met in the second week of uni as well, and are still together. but i talked to my boyfriend, and it turned out he felt the same and was missing the independent single life. it's good because through talking about it, it made us realise that breaking up is definitely not what we want, our relationship was fairly serious, and i think that by discussing this kind of thing, it made us stronger as a couple.
basically, what i'm trying to say is, talk to him about it. if he feels the same, then you can work through it. if he doesn't then he knows that you are having doubts, and you can both start working on your relationship
basically, what i'm trying to say is, talk to him about it. if he feels the same, then you can work through it. if he doesn't then he knows that you are having doubts, and you can both start working on your relationship
Reply 13
me is thinking that you should explain to your boyf that u want to be with him but want a litle more freedom - do the clubbing thing lots, meet loads of new people, and even flirting a tiny bit doesnt hurt if nothing comes of it.
maybe you can try and enjoy freedom and still keep ur boyf. theres no reason why u cant have fun without him being there and yet still go out with him.
maybe you can try and enjoy freedom and still keep ur boyf. theres no reason why u cant have fun without him being there and yet still go out with him.
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