I resent my father so much. I don't want him in my life anymore, how do I do this?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
Hi,
Recently I've realised that I don't want my father in my life anymore. I feel like it's really holding me back, as well as my mother, brother and sisters' life too. He's egotistical, hyper masculine, aggressive and not a nice person, though I feel bad saying this. We all pretend to like him because if we don't, we know he'll lash out at my mother. But I really don't want to pretend anymore..

He's been really horrible in the past - especially up to the age of about 15. I've witnessed him beating my mother multiple times, though she never left and she is still living her life trying to please him and this really really upsets me. I want more for her and for my brother and sister because we deserve better. We really do.

To myself, he's been extremely emotionally abusive. From as young as I can remember, he always commented on the way I was, the things I said - usually regarding my sexuality which was really hurtful, especially as a kid. I came out to him at the age of 17, I'm 20 now.

He hasn't been as bad as he used to be, though he's still not a nice person. Many things have been left unsaid and he's acted (as well as my mother) that nothing has happened in the past. I don't want to forget what he's done and I can't ever forgive him - not that he's ever apologised to any of us.
I've spoke to my mother about this and she's the type of person that wants to maintain the peace for the benefit of my brother, sister and I. Though we've all said how we want her to leave... I think she believes she deserves the pain sometimes.

I can't help but feel like I must cut him off to better my life. I feel so guilty and almost a bad person for this and I have no idea how to do to it - especially because of his ties with my mother, brother and sister. Any advice really would help.

Thanks
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donte
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#2
Report 5 years ago
#2
As a person who cut their 'father' off about 3 years ago, it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. I literally told him where to get off and he sent a horrid text saying he didnt want to have anything to do with me anymore. We didnt speak for months and then he tried to sweeten me up with birthday presents etc. I sent them back and we havent spoken since.

I feel a bit bad in the sense that I've always wanted a proper father and my dad wasnt cut for the job and neither was my sister's dad and i do get a little sad that he's not throwing money at me anymore, because i could really use the extra dosh. But emotionally I'm free. I dont have to deal with the abuse he would send me. The constant criticism and comparisons to my half brother.

I consider him to be a sperm donor and nothing more.

My mum isnt with my 'father' and he lives hours away, so it was literally a case of removing his number and binning/returning his letters. Since your parents are still together its a little harder because your mum may want to keep the peace and side with him, therefore you'd be shutting her out as well. It's a hard one, but if you know it will definitely improve your life then be a bit selfish and cut them both off with a promise to rekindle your relationship with your mum later down the line.
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Anna Schoon
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#3
Report 5 years ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi,
Recently I've realised that I don't want my father in my life anymore. I feel like it's really holding me back, as well as my mother, brother and sisters' life too. He's egotistical, hyper masculine, aggressive and not a nice person, though I feel bad saying this. We all pretend to like him because if we don't, we know he'll lash out at my mother. But I really don't want to pretend anymore..

He's been really horrible in the past - especially up to the age of about 15. I've witnessed him beating my mother multiple times, though she never left and she is still living her life trying to please him and this really really upsets me. I want more for her and for my brother and sister because we deserve better. We really do.

To myself, he's been extremely emotionally abusive. From as young as I can remember, he always commented on the way I was, the things I said - usually regarding my sexuality which was really hurtful, especially as a kid. I came out to him at the age of 17, I'm 20 now.

He hasn't been as bad as he used to be, though he's still not a nice person. Many things have been left unsaid and he's acted (as well as my mother) that nothing has happened in the past. I don't want to forget what he's done and I can't ever forgive him - not that he's ever apologised to any of us.
I've spoke to my mother about this and she's the type of person that wants to maintain the peace for the benefit of my brother, sister and I. Though we've all said how we want her to leave... I think she believes she deserves the pain sometimes.

I can't help but feel like I must cut him off to better my life. I feel so guilty and almost a bad person for this and I have no idea how to do to it - especially because of his ties with my mother, brother and sister. Any advice really would help.

Thanks
Speaking as a mother:

The fact that your father has crossed the border and actually hit your mother must be a determining factor. Your mother will obviously refuse to get the police involved because, as you say, she somehow feels that she "deserves" the treatment - that goes with domestic bullying and abuse.

Because your mother, brother and sister will still be affected by his abuse, cutting your father out of your life will not actually give you the emotional relief you are seeking. You are likely to feel guilty on their account. Whatever you do, please don't abandon your mother - she needs you more than you are probably aware of.

I don't know if you are still living at home but, as an adult, you should be able to approach a charity for domestic abuse victims for advice on how move forward - ideally, all four of you: your mother, brother and sister need to get out of your father's clutches, but they will have the experience to help you through the different stages before you actually get to the end solution. Your local Citizens' Advice Bureau will be able to give you details of local organisations that can help you; otherwise Google "Victims of domestic abuse" + the name of your town.
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he_rit_age
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#4
Report 1 month ago
#4
My so called dad had stopped paying for my tuition fee since I was at the age of 13 well I'm 20 now ...so that's 7years ago ...he has always been abusive towards my mum since God knows when ..but being the first born and only daughter with 3younger siblings I had to take the responsibility of making the house peaceful since my mum insisted that a family staying together is the best regardless of whether I take the beatings for her..well I had always played along well until recently when I almost killed my dad with a bottle in my hand but mistakenly hit my mum with it...I was baffled and scared..well she was ok but I knew I had gotten to the peak of everything and I dont know what to do...it hurts to know that everyone pretend that everything is fine when its not
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