Insensitive friend moaning over little things like him owing me cash.

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
#1
Hes like a little brother, think he has signs of autism and also depression.

Has no friends apart from me, and seems to get stressed easily and in a strop.

Met him as a flatmate and he was a slob, again as it stressed him to clean uo, I remember him moaning at me spending 9 hours when moving in making it spotless.

Had a similar issue then, he stole my food and it mounted up to like £20 worth and he moaned saying "it was only things like milk and pizza, you are lying it cost £20"

He calmed down after he graduated but became more like a teenage younger brother, visited me in my flat, and just emptied the contents of his bag onto floor, and dirty clothes, empty take away boxes etc, even dumps dirty plates on the floor.

I have a 2 bedroom place now and even then he dumps stuff in spare room so after he leaves I have to even MAKE THE BED!, hoover the floor etc.

Offhand it seems hes just lazy but it seems more if you speak to him you see him withdraw and he makes a nervous laugh or smile and seems to breathe heavily as if he is being attacked and getting stressed at which point he can get snappy.

He came to see me for new year and forgot his key to parents so instead of 2 nights stayed for 4 (so imagine him for 4 days) he even forgets to go to cash machine but pays me back each time after a little arguing, but this time I forgot to ask him for a few days as after he goes home he had bad internet so hard to contact then he moans saying I am lying about him owing me money and demands a breakdown of the costs and since I couldnt he said therefore he owes me nothing.

Upset and angry.

What would you do?
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insert-username
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#2
Report 4 years ago
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He definitely sounds like he's on the autistic spectrum to me.

You seem to be an understanding friend. Just keep being patient with him, he probably can't help his behaviour or understand that it's inappropriate. It might be very frustrating but your friendship probably means a lot more to him than you realize or he can express. You seem like you're a very good and compassionate friend, he probably doesn't have other friends because most people wouldn't have the patience to tolerate that kind of behaviour yet you've stuck around and that's brilliant and says a lot about your personality.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that it's not his fault for behaving that way, you understand for yourself that he's autistic, he's always been that way and probably won't ever change significantly.
People on the autistic spectrum really do well with structure and directness. From now on, keep a document/notebook or sheet whenever you two are together and literally write down everything you spend money on him for and have him sign it at the end. It might seem like a weird thing to do but it honestly wouldn't really bother someone who's autistic because we value that kind of structure, just explain that it makes everything simpler.

It leaves no room for 'memory loss' in the future and can help you avoid frustrating situations like these.
If you don't like the way he behaves when he's at your house then you need to establish clear boundaries. DO NOT be afraid of hurting his feelings or being awkward. You need to make sure he respects your space and boundaries. Tell him not to dump his crap around your house, tell him to pick up after himself, be direct and confront him when he's being inappropriate. By doing this you're being a very good friend because you'll actually be helping him learn social behaviour which will help him in his own day to day life. Don't be afraid to keep correcting him, he'll get it eventually.

The most important thing to remember with autism is that for a lot of us on the spectrum (I have aspergers) social cues don't come naturally to us the same way they do to most people, we have to manually learn them and we learn best by directness and when others arent afraid to point out inappropriate social behaviour and correct us. For us learning this kind of stuff is the same as learning any subject in school, as long as its explained well and people can be patient.
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
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(Original post by insert-username)
He definitely sounds like he's on the autistic spectrum to me.

You seem to be an understanding friend. Just keep being patient with him, he probably can't help his behaviour or understand that it's inappropriate. It might be very frustrating but your friendship probably means a lot more to him than you realize or he can express. You seem like you're a very good and compassionate friend, he probably doesn't have other friends because most people wouldn't have the patience to tolerate that kind of behaviour yet you've stuck around and that's brilliant and says a lot about your personality.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that it's not his fault for behaving that way, you understand for yourself that he's autistic, he's always been that way and probably won't ever change significantly.
People on the autistic spectrum really do well with structure and directness. From now on, keep a document/notebook or sheet whenever you two are together and literally write down everything you spend money on him for and have him sign it at the end. It might seem like a weird thing to do but it honestly wouldn't really bother someone who's autistic because we value that kind of structure, just explain that it makes everything simpler.

It leaves no room for 'memory loss' in the future and can help you avoid frustrating situations like these.
If you don't like the way he behaves when he's at your house then you need to establish clear boundaries. DO NOT be afraid of hurting his feelings or being awkward. You need to make sure he respects your space and boundaries. Tell him not to dump his crap around your house, tell him to pick up after himself, be direct and confront him when he's being inappropriate. By doing this you're being a very good friend because you'll actually be helping him learn social behaviour which will help him in his own day to day life. Don't be afraid to keep correcting him, he'll get it eventually.

The most important thing to remember with autism is that for a lot of us on the spectrum (I have aspergers) social cues don't come naturally to us the same way they do to most people, we have to manually learn them and we learn best by directness and when others arent afraid to point out inappropriate social behaviour and correct us. For us learning this kind of stuff is the same as learning any subject in school, as long as its explained well and people can be patient.
Yeah I am autistic too, specifically I have aspergers but also other disabilties like dyspraxia, I told him a few years ago to go for an assessment and he wasnt enthusiastic until I said he will get a bus pass at which point he went but after 1 appointment couldnt be bothered to go back despite him saying the doctor wanted him to be assessed.
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Tiger Rag
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#4
Report 4 years ago
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Why are you friends with someone you sound as though you don't like?

You can't force him to get assessed if he doesn't want to.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 4 years ago
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(Original post by Tiger Rag)
Why are you friends with someone you sound as though you don't like?

You can't force him to get assessed if he doesn't want to.
I never tried to force him nor did I say I didn't like him merely he is insensitive which is annoying.

When hes in a good mood hes great to speak to.
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