Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

I feel threatened by my bf's ex crush? Watch

Announcements
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    So my boyfriend and I have been together for 1.6 years now. We do long distance but we manage to see each other almost every month for at least a week (if not more) and I spend the whole summer at his. Last year, in may-june we went through a bit of a crisis. We argued a lot, he was distant, I was too needy and annoying and it just seemed not to be working. We have always had a really loving and sweet relationship, like we would literally do anything to see and be with each other and I know we have always really been in love with each other. Initially though, before this crisis, I was the one to be more "needy" for certainties, love and all that in our relationship which I think is what sort of made him think about our future together. He broke up with me four days before I was meant to go to his (and had found a summer job there) and I was heartbroken! I literally spent days crying, not eating and not knowing how to cope. After three days I decided I would still go there to work (we would be working for the same company) but live somewhere else and was determined to go on with my life and choices regardless of him. I was hurt but I discovered how strong I was by committing to my plans. When I told him he offered to pick me up from the station and even if I said no he insisted and picked me up. Long story short, he had regretted his choice and wanted me back and cried when he saw me. I was unsure but obviously in love so we got back together. After one week I found out through other people that he had had a really good and close relationship with this other girl at work (she was then my colleague). It broke my heart cause I was then unsure whether he had broken up with me because of her or because things between us werent working, or both. Either way, I was hurt and heartbroken like I was before. I couldnt stand the fact that he had liked/crushed on someone while I was hurting for him breaking up with me. I went through his emails and found out he had refered to her as stunning in an email to a friend, and didnt know what was going on in his head and he knew he was hurting me a lot. It broke me to a million pieces; even more so cause I had to work with her (and him) and she possibly didnt know anything. My boyfriend and I talked and he said she just thought she was nice, they got on, and he was confused because of how things with us were going, but he was 100% sure when he saw me again at the station that he only wanted me. I believed him but was still hurt and I had a million bad thoughts in my head which wouldnt go. Especially because I really wanted to hate this girl but I couldnt... Funnily enough, I could understand why he liked her! She is very cute, pretty, nice and charming. There is just something about her that is lovely. After this episode we got over it and since then things have been amazing. We have never really argued again and he is now the one to be more "needy". He seems to need to talk to me more, see me more, do stuff for me more, while I still love him the same but I sort of think of myself first now, maybe becauae I am scared he will hurt me again. On multiple occasions all of us colleagues went out together and he would always make me feel loved in front of her, holding my hand, kissing me, and he never showed any interest in her at all which also helped me get over it.
    Loads of months have passed till then BUT I still sometimes feel threatened by her. I like her and at the same time I wonder what is it that I dont have that he saw in her when he broke up with me. They dont speak or see each other anymore but everytime he goes out (they live in the same city) I worry he might meet her and I dont know what goes on in my stupid brain. I find myself stalking her on facebook and going through her pictures and thinking she is stunning like he said. I dont want anyone else to make me feel insecure and I dont want this to be a "problem" in my head because it doesnt actually threaten my relationship. Why am I still so obsessed with it/her? Why do I still feel so hurt when I think about how hurt I was during that period while he was happily "flirting" with someone else?
    Is this normal?
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    First off, I can really sympathise with how you feel here. I think a lot of people would feel the way you do. However, you're being irrational (and that's a good thing!).

    I'll tell you how it sounds to me. It sounds like you guys were having a tough time, arguing and such, and being in a LDR causes strain. He met another girl through work and at that point in time, he had a 'grass is greener' phase. It's incredibly easy to look at someone else and idealise them when you're having problems within your relationship, and often it's only when you've lost what you had that you realise the grass wasn't actually greener at all. Sure she's pretty and cute (seems nice and easy eh, simple? When you guys seemed anything but..), but she's not you, and that's what he realised when he had a while to reflect. He saw you again, had lots of feelings flooding back and realised that frankly, he ****ed up.

    Now you have a situation where the break-up has proven to him that you're the girl he wants and cares about, so he's being more loving and affectionate towards you. He's realised what he has with you and how much he should value it. You on the other hand? You've been hurt and therefore you've built up a wall around yourself - you're being less open and less 'needy' because you've convinced yourself he's going to up and leave again.

    This is all completely natural and normal, but ultimately the problem here is that you need to rebuild some bridges and find a way to feel comfortable and secure in your relationship again. You're obsessing over the girl in question because the whole thing has made you feel insecure about yourself and the relationship. You're questioning how he's really feeling and she's become to scapegoat for those insecurities. You need to communicate how you're feeling to your boyfriend and properly deal with what happened between you when you broke up. This isn't the sort of thing that can be patched over, you need to work through it together and support each other. If you can do that, your relationship will come back stronger.

    Honestly, how you're feeling is normal, but it's miserable for you. It sounds like your boyfriend cares about you a lot, and no matter how pretty or charming this girl seems, he had his chance to pursue her and deep down realised it was you he wanted. That's what you need to hold onto in all this. Try to stop focussing so much on the other girl and work on remembering how to feel good about yourself. You deserve him and he's lucky to have you. It sounds like your break-up helped him see that, but blinded you at the same time. Chin up lovely, you're everything you need to be to make him happy and for what it's worth, it doesn't sound like he's interested in anyone but you.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by CLPsych)
    First off, I can really sympathise with how you feel here. I think a lot of people would feel the way you do. However, you're being irrational (and that's a good thing!).

    I'll tell you how it sounds to me. It sounds like you guys were having a tough time, arguing and such, and being in a LDR causes strain. He met another girl through work and at that point in time, he had a 'grass is greener' phase. It's incredibly easy to look at someone else and idealise them when you're having problems within your relationship, and often it's only when you've lost what you had that you realise the grass wasn't actually greener at all. Sure she's pretty and cute (seems nice and easy eh, simple? When you guys seemed anything but..), but she's not you, and that's what he realised when he had a while to reflect. He saw you again, had lots of feelings flooding back and realised that frankly, he ****ed up.

    Now you have a situation where the break-up has proven to him that you're the girl he wants and cares about, so he's being more loving and affectionate towards you. He's realised what he has with you and how much he should value it. You on the other hand? You've been hurt and therefore you've built up a wall around yourself - you're being less open and less 'needy' because you've convinced yourself he's going to up and leave again.

    This is all completely natural and normal, but ultimately the problem here is that you need to rebuild some bridges and find a way to feel comfortable and secure in your relationship again. You're obsessing over the girl in question because the whole thing has made you feel insecure about yourself and the relationship. You're questioning how he's really feeling and she's become to scapegoat for those insecurities. You need to communicate how you're feeling to your boyfriend and properly deal with what happened between you when you broke up. This isn't the sort of thing that can be patched over, you need to work through it together and support each other. If you can do that, your relationship will come back stronger.

    Honestly, how you're feeling is normal, but it's miserable for you. It sounds like your boyfriend cares about you a lot, and no matter how pretty or charming this girl seems, he had his chance to pursue her and deep down realised it was you he wanted. That's what you need to hold onto in all this. Try to stop focussing so much on the other girl and work on remembering how to feel good about yourself. You deserve him and he's lucky to have you. It sounds like your break-up helped him see that, but blinded you at the same time. Chin up lovely, you're everything you need to be to make him happy and for what it's worth, it doesn't sound like he's interested in anyone but you.
    Your words really helped and you are lovely ! It means a lot thank you xxx
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    if he cant see your large personality, and if he cant be nice to you, or even stay with you, hes not worth it... life my dad says: there are plenty more fish in the sea. find someone else who can be nice. Also if he cant stay with just one person, hes not worth it. Try talking to him or dump him.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: January 31, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    How are your GCSEs going so far?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.